The Tome of Bill Series: Books 5-8 (Goddamned Freaky Monsters, Half A Prayer, The Wicked Dead, The Last Coven)

by Rick Gualtieri

  He hissed and a gravelly sounding voice emanated from his mouth. It might have been words, but they weren’t in any language I knew...meaning it wasn’t English.

  Fuck it. Among predators, there’s a universal language. One must be able to piss with the big dogs, after all.

  I darkened my eyes and flashed my own fangs at him, raising a hand and beckoning him on in a manner that would’ve made Bruce Lee proud.

  It was on.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Or not. To both my dismay and annoyance, Grandpa Munster’s face broke into a grin, his dry lips splitting. Something akin to a laugh escaped his lips. That was never a good sign.

  I felt what he was about to do a split second before it hit me. Although his words were still alien to my ears, the psychic portion was clear as day.

  “ON YOUR KNEES, WHELP!!”

  The compulsion hit me like a runaway water buffalo. I flew back through the doorway and slammed into something soft and squishy...Ed. Fuck me. Would it really kill my friends to do as I told them for once?

  “Get...the...fuck...off.”

  “Are you okay?”

  “I will be once you’re not sitting on my chest.”

  “Well, then stop whining like a bitch and get the fuck out of here!”

  The vamp’s words still rang in my head. Whoever he was, he had a lot of firepower behind his compulsion. That wasn’t good. Then again, it probably wasn’t surprising either. This guy had been Alex’s prisoner. It was safe to assume he wasn’t some newb who had just forgotten to curtsey at the right moment.

  Even so, other than a splitting headache, it had no effect on me. I pulled myself back to my feet, trying not to show any wobbliness. As expected, surprise shown on the other vamp’s face. He hadn’t been expecting the Freewill.

  Just to make sure he got the point, though, I threw one of my own back at him - making sure that he understood it. “NICE TRY, COCKSUCKER!!”

  I’m not sure what I expected. Anger was a pretty safe bet, and maybe a little fear was even possible at the realization that the legendary warrior of the vampire race stood before him. I mean, shit, Super Saiyans got all sorts of fucking respect in Dragonball Z. One of these days, I was bound to meet someone with the good graces to realize that.

  It was not that day, alas.

  An even wider grin broke out on its face. More laughter poured forth. The creature clapped its hands together in apparent delight and hissed, “Frater.”

  Freighter - what the hell? Was he trying to pronounce...nah it couldn’t be. I mean sure, I’d sprung him from that head prison. Maybe this fucker had brain damage and was imprinting upon me like a baby bird. Weird. “Listen, dude, I may be a lot of things, but I sure as shit ain’t your father.” I backed up a step, risking a glance over my shoulder. Ed was, thankfully, nowhere to be seen. About time he took the fucking hint.

  Now I just had to get this delusional asshole out of the way so I could help Dave. I continued to back up and saw that he followed me - obviously unafraid. Wished I could’ve said the same thing. Being chased by a naked ghoul was a bit unnerving.

  Backing up toward the door, I scanned Dave’s apartment for something I could use. It was a complete bust. Unlike most gamers I knew, he was just into the rules. He didn’t walk the walk: collecting swords, staves, or maces. Sure, most of that shit was for display only, but I certainly wouldn’t have turned down an ornamental morning star to beat this fucker’s skull in with.

  I backed out of the apartment and stepped off the curb. It continued to follow, apparently unfazed by the cold night air against its bare skin. Maybe I’d get lucky and the cops would arrive to arrest him for indecent exposure.

  “Frater,” it called again. Gah! Why couldn’t I meet a hot chick with daddy issues instead?

  I kept backing up, leading it away from the apartment. Maybe Ed could get past us while this guy was distracted and tend to Dave.

  Speaking of which, where the fuck was Ed? When I told him to run, I hadn’t expected him to take it to heart and dash off into the night screaming like a little girl.

  A car engine revved from somewhere off to the left.

  Ask and ye shall receive.

  All right! I didn’t need for inspiration to strike. I had something better: a crazy-ass friend and a ton of Japan’s automotive finest.

  Headlights flicked on, illuminating us. The creature hissed in their direction, raising a hand to shield its eyes. I took the slightly more proactive response of getting the fuck out of the way.

  Ed’s car slammed into the other vamp at a good thirty miles an hour. A sickening crunch sounded, although whether from the car or the monster, I couldn’t tell.

  Either way, the vehicle screeched to a halt and the creature went flying, tumbling across the parking lot to come to rest in a heap.

  Had I been a complete newb, I might’ve paused to congratulate my roommate on a job well done. I’d played this game before, though, and knew that celebrating before a vamp was ash would only result in heartache...and probably a massive ass-kicking as well.

  Ed looked a bit dazed from the impact, but otherwise okay. I threw him a quick thumbs-up and then ran back inside, noting with some dismay that the lights in the neighboring apartments were starting to come on.

  Dave was still where he’d been discarded. His eyes were now closed, but that was all the change there was to him. I picked him up, noticing how cold he felt, and tossed him over my shoulder. All I could do was hope I wasn’t too late, but it wasn’t much to go on.

  I was going to need help. I’d promised myself a full coven-free day before contacting them, but fuck it. Technically, it was tomorrow anyway.

  I raced back outside with Dave. The entire round trip had taken less than thirty seconds. Sadly, the squeal of metal that reached my ears as I stepped to the curb told me that I’d taken too long.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  The creature was back on his feet, and then some. Raw panic shown on Ed’s face as the monster tore the passenger side door clean off. Before I could make a move, it reached in and dragged my roommate out, snapping his seatbelt like tissue paper.

  No, not again!

  I laid Dave onto the ground as gently as time allowed and put all of my speed and power to bear. The vamp shoved Ed’s head to the side, exposing his neck, as I reached his car and dove over it.

  Sadly, whatever fatherly thoughts it had couldn’t have been all that deep. It backhanded me out of the air as if I were a gnat. I went tumbling and landed on the hood of Ed’s car - rolling off onto the pavement and denting the shit out of his front bumper in the process.

  I lay there dazed for a moment, realizing it was time I didn’t have. The sickening sound of flesh being torn reached my ears. For the second time this day, I’d failed one of my friends - perhaps fatally so.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  I refused to give up. Gathering what wits I could, I pulled myself to my feet just as an ungodly scream pierced the night.

  No!

  My fangs descended in anger. It wasn’t enough to feed off my friend - he had to torture him too? But that’s when I noticed the scream hadn’t come from Ed. Don’t get me wrong, my roommate didn’t look so hot - what with an oozing bite wound on the side of his neck, but he wasn’t the source of the cry.

  The vampire shoved Ed away and doubled over, holding his stomach. I should have used the distraction to my advantage to try and end things right there, but I was at a momentary loss. What the fuck was happening?

  Almost as if in answer, the two-legged prune straightened up and threw back his head. He opened his mouth to cry out again and belched a pyre of white flame.

  Magic can come in a myriad of pyrotechnic colors. Heck, one needed only look at the sky during one of those storms to see that. As far as I was aware, though, only one thing produced flames of pure white - the power of faith.

  Holy shit indeed.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Of all the thing
s I expected to happen that night, watching a near-mummified vampire puking white fire wasn’t even close to making the cut. I might have continued staring like a doofus had movement out of the corner of my eye not caught my attention. Ed dragged himself back to his feet and leaned against the battered car for support.

  That snapped me out of it and I remembered Dave lying on the sidewalk like a piece of discarded beef.

  “Are you okay?” I asked my roommate.

  “Been better,” he croaked, but he was able to stand on his own now. The bite on his neck was ugly, but apparently not too deep.

  “Can you drive?”

  “Away from that thing?” he asked, his voice stronger. “Try and stop me.” He steadied himself for a moment and then slid behind the wheel.

  I grabbed Dave and made my way over to the passenger side, dumping him into the backseat. “Let’s move.”

  It was only then that I dared look back at the other vamp. He was still clutching his midsection, obviously in agony. Sparks of white flame continued to spew forth from his mouth and nose.

  I allowed myself a small smile as Ed peeled out. I wasn’t sure what had happened, but if that ass-biter had gotten a stomach full of faith magic, he was thoroughly fucked. By the time the cops arrived, they’d think maybe someone had just emptied out an ashcan in the parking lot. Served the dickhead right.

  Unfortunately, that smile wasn’t destined to be long-lived. I had two wounded friends, one perhaps fatally. I hated to admit it, but I was in way over my head.

  “Are you sure you’re okay?”

  “Don’t worry about me.” Ed’s voice was steady, but his hands shook a little as he gripped the wheel. “So what do we do? Take him to a hospital?”

  “Fucked if I know.” I pulled the stolen cell phone out of my jacket pocket and gave it a quick once over - still in one piece, thankfully. I powered it on and waited for it to boot up.

  “Who are you calling?”

  “Someone who might have a clue.”

  “Tell her I said hi.”

  “Polish your knob on your own time,” I muttered.

  He made a left turn, and I almost lost the phone and myself in the process, thanks to the missing door. “Whoa! You can slow down. That fucker’s dead by now.”

  “Sorry.”

  I punched in the number for my coven partner’s mobile phone, hoping she hadn’t changed it since I’d gone rogue. It rang a few times and then I heard the click as it was answered.

  “Sally? Is that you?” I couldn’t hear a reply from the other end, but that might have been due to the excess wind whipping past my face. “Jesus Christ, where the fuck are you? You have no idea the shit I’ve been through.”

  I was about to say more when the car jolted violently from behind. I dropped the handset into my lap and turned around.

  No fucking way.

  Not only was that old vamp not dead, he was actually chasing us. No, scratch that - he was right on our tail. He slashed with his claws and metal screeched as he gouged the shit out of Ed’s trunk.

  I grabbed the phone again, hoping Sally was listening and that I wasn’t currently trying to plead with a wrong number. My eyes locked with those of the creature and nothing but pure unbridled hatred stared back. “I’ve...sorta...fucked up, just a little bit. I kinda need your help...oh shit!”

  The creature swung a fist and connected solidly with the rear of the car - sending us into a dizzying spin. The phone flew out of my hands and clattered to pieces onto the asphalt.

  The vampire leaped at us, but just then, we slammed into a guard rail, stopping our sideways momentum. Old-man Logan sailed over the roof to land in a storm drain.

  I turned toward Ed, his eyes as wide as mine. “Forget what I said earlier and floor this fucking thing!”

  He didn’t bother with a witty retort. Sparks flew as we ground against the guardrail for a moment, and then we were free, accelerating as fast as the formerly mint condition car could carry us.

  Early Morning Commute

  I don’t know if it was the early hour, the cops being summoned en masse to Newark, or just a little dumb luck. Either way, through some minor miracle, we weren’t immediately pulled over. Albeit, by that point, I’d have welcomed a nice, secure jail cell. Still, that wouldn’t have solved anything in the long term.

  “The office?” Ed asked, blotting his neck with some napkins he’d had in the center console.

  “Unless you have a better idea.”

  He glared at me out of the corner of his eye.

  “Sorry. I’m a little on edge right now.”

  “I have no idea why,” he replied.

  “Are you sure you’re fine?”

  “I’m in better shape than my car.”

  “At least now it matches your old one. Feels like home again.”

  “Asshole. There’s no way my fucking insurance is gonna cover this.”

  He had a point, but it seemed like a minor worry, all things considered.

  “What happened back there?” I asked, now that I finally had a moment to take a breath.

  “We got our asses thoroughly kicked.”

  “I know that. I mean with the vamp. He took a suck on you and practically exploded. What, did you give up bathing for Lent or something?”

  “I have no fucking idea.”

  “Anything like that ever happen before?”

  He chuckled. “No offense, but I haven’t exactly been offering myself up as a vampire buffet since you left.”

  “Oh?”

  “Not for her, either. I haven’t even seen Sally in months.”

  “What came out of his mouth, that was like...” I hesitated to say her name aloud.

  “I know.”

  “But...you and I...we hugged when you got home.”

  “Thanks for the reminder.”

  “You know what I mean. There was no reaction. I didn’t get blown across the apartment.”

  “Trust me, I noticed. Oh, and can you kindly not use the word ‘blown’ to describe something we did?”

  “And your eyes,” I continued, ignoring his comment, “they’re still the same shit brown color they always were.”

  “I know what you’re getting at.” The lights of the tunnel flickered over his face as we drove past them. “Trust me. I’m not an Icon.”

  “But it could...”

  “She gave me the keys to her company, not her powers. I don’t think it works like that anyway. Besides, faith...well, it’s still not really my cup of tea.”

  “Then what the fuck was that?”

  “Let’s worry about that later.” He hooked a thumb over his shoulder. Oh, fuck. I’d almost forgotten about Dave. “How’s he doing?”

  I unbuckled and turned to lean into the backseat. I put a finger to Dave’s neck to feel for a pulse, but it wasn’t exactly the easiest thing to do while driving. It also didn’t exactly help that I had no idea what I was doing. I mean, I’m a vampire, not a pre-med student.

  Wait. Maybe I wasn’t as helpless as I thought.

  When in doubt, use what you know. I reached out with my senses - focusing them on his still form.

  It was difficult to single out his heartbeat, what with the noise of driving. His smell, though, told me a different story. Vampires and humans have distinct scents, as apparently do all supernatural species. I was still pretty new at the whole bloodhound thing, but I’d gotten enough nose-fulls to begin to have a clue. What I was getting from Dave wasn’t encouraging. Even pushing aside the strange odor of the vamp that bit him, I was still getting enough for me to surmise that his days as a human were probably coming to an end. “I think he’s turning.”

  “You think?”

  “They don’t exactly give us a handbook for these things.”

  “Can you help him?”

  “No idea.”

  “You guys helped me.” Ed was reaching with that one and I had no doubt he knew it.

 
; “Different scenario entirely,” I replied softly.

  I had the sinking feeling that no battle-angel, alight with the fires of faith, would swoop in and save our asses this time.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  “I gotta say, Bill, this is a new record for you.”

  “Oh, shut up.”

  “No, seriously. You’ve been back for what, maybe twelve hours? That’s gotta be some sort of personal best.”

  I sighed and stepped in something squishy, momentarily losing traction.

  “Jeez, watch it.” Ed’s hand momentarily tightened on my shoulder. In the pitch black of the tunnel, if I went down, he was sure to follow.

  My roommate wasn’t a happy camper, not that I could really blame him. After exiting the Holland Tunnel, I told him we needed to ditch the car. He really didn’t need much convincing, considering we were driving around in a vehicle that would only be considered street legal in the most liberal of definitions. We’d gotten lucky in Jersey, but I had a feeling that luck would run out quickly in the city.

  There was also the fact that the sun would be rising soon. The storm from the previous day had passed and left a clear sky above us. I doubted it would last long, but all I needed was a few stray sunbeams for me to turn into a crispy critter. If Dave was indeed turning like I feared, then he, too, would probably soon become increasingly averse to daylight.

  Fortunately, New York City was host to an extensive underground, in more ways than one. Thus, we found ourselves tromping through the aromatic sewers, headed toward my coven. With Dave slung over my shoulder, the subway wasn’t really an option for me. Ed had declined splitting up and taking it himself - proving that while he might be pissed, he was still a true friend.

  We continued onward, slipping and sliding - all while trying not to dump Dave into any random piles of shit.

  I didn’t exactly know the deepest, darkest recesses of the NYC sewer system like the back of my hand, but I’d been down there enough times to know how to get to the important spots. Fortunately, there wasn’t much to sightsee except for maybe the occasional rat of near mutant size - and they, thankfully, gave us a wide berth. It wouldn’t do for the legendary warrior of the vampire race to start screaming like a little girl.