The Tome of Bill Series: Books 5-8 (Goddamned Freaky Monsters, Half A Prayer, The Wicked Dead, The Last Coven)

by Rick Gualtieri

  Finally, we reached the office’s subbasement. Unlike most entrances to coven territory, it was unguarded and unlocked. The office was, true to its name, an honest-to-goodness office building in the SoHo area of Manhattan. We rented a few floors, but so did several other businesses too - at least, that I remembered. Last time I was here, a vampire named Remington had been doing his damnedest to release all of the other tenants from their leases - permanently.

  Oh, crap!

  I stopped and Ed bumped into me.

  “What’s the problem?”

  “What if the coven isn’t here anymore? What if they had to pack up and...”

  “You pick really shitty times to think of these things, you know.”

  “Sorry, but this wasn’t exactly the homecoming I was envisioning.”

  “You were expecting maybe a red carpet?”

  I turned to glance at him, despite knowing he couldn’t see me in the dark. “That would’ve been nice.”

  “In your dreams, maybe.”

  “In my dreams there were free blowjobs too.”

  “Oh, I don’t know.” A grin formed on his face. “I’d say you’ve been screwed pretty well so far.”

  “Yeah, well, we’re both gonna be if the coven moved and anybody sees us carrying an unconscious body up the stairs.”

  Yep, that’s me...when the shit hits the fan, I’m all rainbows and unicorns.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Thankfully, the bullshit that the movies feed us about vampires needing to return to their foul coffins during the day is just that - a steaming pile of cow patties. Don’t get me wrong. Most vamps still sack out during the daylight hours. We still need to sleep, albeit not as long as most people, and our bodies are pre-conditioned to be nocturnal, but it’s more of a guideline than a rule.

  I was holding out hope that there might be at least a few vamps still around in the office. Right before I skipped town for my little vacation, Village Coven had been decimated. Aside from me and Sally, there had been only three other survivors. I knew Sally, though, and had little doubt she’d probably been itching to rebuild. With me out of the picture to guilt her into doing otherwise, I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that she hadn’t hesitated to start recruiting.

  At least, I hoped that was the case. As much as I had no desire to see others join our ranks, the last thing I wanted right then was an abandoned floor where our coven once stood. Things had turned to shit quickly enough without me also having to learn that a place I considered to be safe - relatively speaking - held no sanctuary for us.

  Reaching our floor via the back stairs, I silently prayed to whatever gods compelled Sally to often do the opposite of what I wanted. I could only cross my fingers that she hadn’t decided to have a change of heart as of late.

  With Dave still over my shoulder, I led the way to the office’s entrance. From the outside, it appeared the same. Well, okay, the door was new, but that wasn’t anything special. In the time I’d been a part of Village Coven, the damn thing had been destroyed and replaced at least three times. The lives of those in a coven, especially during the middle of an apocalypse, were apparently nothing close to resembling dull.

  I didn’t give it any further consideration as I turned the knob and opened it.

  The problem with being away, though, is if you’re gone from someplace long enough, they change the locks.

  And even when they don’t, sometimes there’s a new security system in place.

  Back in the Saddle Again

  I had no more than stepped through the doorway when hands grabbed hold of my jacket and flung me inside. Losing my grip on Dave, I went tumbling across the floor and landed on my back. The entire scene took no more than a few seconds to play out, but by the time I looked up, several angry vampires had surrounded me. Worse, they were all pointing guns at my face.

  “Who sent you?” one snarled, a middle management type wearing a cheap tie. “Was it the Howard Beach Coven?”

  “Do I look like a gangbanger, asshole?”

  “Freewill?” a heavily accented voice asked. The crowd parted and I found myself staring up at my first familiar undead face, albeit one I wasn’t particularly pleased to see.

  “Monkhbat?” Oh shit, what the fuck was he doing here?

  “This piece of garbage is the Freewill?” the first vamp asked incredulously.

  To my surprise, Monkhbat immediately backhanded him, sending Tie Guy flying. The others all backed up a step, uncertain. A few of them, though, were brave enough to point their weapons at Gan’s former lackey. This wasn’t going to end well.

  “That’s enough!” a familiar voice said from behind them all. “Monkhbat, how many times have I told you not to...” She paused as she came into view and saw me lying there. “Bill?”

  It was Starlight, one of the few survivors of the coven massacre from months back. She was a sight for sore eyes, in more ways than one. A fashion model in life, she had curves that would stop a runaway truck. Sally had been using - or abusing, depending on your point of view - her as her personal secretary, forcing her to dress the part.

  This was a new look, though. Starlight was still dressed professionally, but her dark hair was down, cascading over her shoulders. She also had on more jewelry than I had seen her wear during her time as Sally’s assistant. The effect was subtle, but powerful. She looked more the boss than the employee and her tone reflected that - a dramatic change in attitude from the vampire I’d known.

  What the fuck had happened while I was gone?

  “Hey, Star,” I said uncertainly.

  “Oh my god, Bill!” she screeched, losing all semblance of the authority she seemed to wield just moments earlier. She reached down a hand, which I took. Upon dragging me back to my feet, she threw her arms around me in an embrace. Can’t say I minded it much. I loved my roommates like brothers, but I sure as shit would take Starlight pressing up against me over them any day of the week.

  She pulled back with a squeal of delight. “Oh my god. Where have you been? When did you get back? Are you okay? Is...” She was starting to babble, reverting back to the Starlight I remembered.

  “Uh, can I come in now?”

  I turned to find Ed still standing at the doorway.

  “Thanks for backing me up, ass...”

  “I claim this human as mine if it so pleases you, coven master Alice.” The vamp who’d mouthed off to me reappeared, apparently no worse for the wear from Monkhbat’s bitch-slap. His eyes blackened and he took a step toward the entranceway.

  “Coven master Alice?” I asked.

  “That’s enough, John,” Starlight said.

  “But...”

  “Now now, John. You heard our master,” a voice purred from behind Ed, causing him to jump.

  Even had he not been surprised by Firebird’s sudden appearance, he would have certainly been knocked off-kilter by it, judging from the look on his face. Couldn’t really blame him either. Whereas Starlight was dressed for a day at the office, Firebird was ready for a night out on the town...probably followed by a roll in the hay. Her clothes appeared to be spray painted on, and her shoes gave a whole new meaning to the phrase “fuck-me pumps.” Whoa.

  She stepped past my roommate without a second glance and strolled in. Walking up to the dick I presumed was John, she ran a finger across his chest - oozing sex in a way that made my pants feel uncomfortably tight. Goddamn, I had forgotten how awesome my coven could be. It was almost enough to make me forget...

  Oh, fuck.

  “Dave!”

  That caused everyone in the room to stop and do a double take. I shoved aside a few vamps I didn’t recognize and found him lying where I’d dropped him after being so warmly greeted.

  “I need help.” I shoved all of the items off the nearest desk so as to lay Dave on top of it - cringing as I sent a laptop clattering to the floor.

  Starlight stepped to my side. “What’s wrong?”

  “He w
as bitten.” Even as I said it, I realized how stupid it must sound. It was like screaming that someone had just swallowed a carrot in the middle of a vegan convention. Oh well. Some vamps were smart enough to rue becoming what they were. The rest, well, they could go fuck themselves sideways with a rusty engine block.

  I glanced around and a bunch of blank stares met mine. It reminded me that most of the vamps present were probably newbs, most likely less than three months turned. They knew even less about their powers than I did. Sadly, the person probably most qualified to make a diagnosis was the one lying on the desk. It was...

  “Monkhbat,” Starlight said, “please see what you can do.”

  To my surprise, he gave her a quick bow and walked over to Dave’s side. Had I somehow found my way to Bizarro universe? Since when did Starlight command one of Gan’s former minions?

  That and a million other questions could wait, though. Monkhbat felt Dave’s neck, then grabbed his chin and turned his head. He put a hand on my friend’s chest, then bent over and began to sniff him. Yeah, vampire examinations were a little weird. Thank goodness they didn’t require us to have yearly physicals or anything like that.

  After a few seconds, I grew impatient. “Well?”

  In response, he shoved my friend off the desk, drew a silvered dagger from his hip, and raised it over his head. Shit!

  I grabbed his wrist with both hands, despite knowing he probably possessed enough power to toss me across the room like a tennis ball. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

  His face swiveled and, for just a moment, annoyance replaced his mask of calm. “He turns.”

  He said something else, but reverted to his native tongue for the rest - as if that was of any help. Since his arm hadn’t dropped, though, the meaning was clear enough for me. Fuck that. Before he could skewer my friend like a shish kabob, I slammed my fist into the side of his head. He barely moved from the impact. I probably hurt my ego far more than his body, but I had a lot more where that...

  “Bill, stop!”

  I looked over to find Starlight glaring at me. In the past, I’d never heard her say anything that sounded like an order to anyone. As my eyes met hers, I could see a quick flash of her old skittishness pass over her face, but she quickly composed herself and held my gaze. “He’s not going to kill your friend. He’s trying to help.”

  “That doesn’t look like helping to me. How do you know...”

  “That’s what he said.”

  I raised a questioning eyebrow.

  “I’ve been taking an online course in Mandarin,” she explained.

  “Well, okay, that makes sense then.” I sheepishly backed up a step. “Carry on.”

  She nodded toward Monkhbat. He gently placed Dave’s right hand palm down on the floor. I was skeptical that would do much, but what did I know about homeopathic therapies?

  He raised the dagger again and plunged it through my friend’s hand, pinning it to the floor better than any nail gun could.

  What in holy Hell? Maybe I didn’t have a doctorate in medicine, but I was pretty sure that wasn’t exactly going to help.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Ed seemed to share my feelings as he threw caution to the wind and came running in to stand by my side.

  The vampire called John, apparently letting his hunger override the orders he’d been given, bared his fangs and took a step toward my roommate. Unfortunately for him, that brought him within my reach.

  I might be a piece of shit when it came to fighting vamps like Monkhbat, but John-boy was a different story entirely. Pity he’d caught me on a really bad day.

  I grabbed him by the tie and dragged him in, his eyes widening in surprise. I got little enough respect as it was from the vamps who knew me, but these newbs didn’t need to know that. Before my disappearance, Sally had done a good job making the others fear me enough to keep their distance. Since she wasn’t there, I figured it was up to me this time.

  Before John could so much as say, “shit,” I buried my fangs into his neck. A collective gasp of surprise went through the crowd as I tore the fucker a new blowhole.

  There wasn’t much point in taking a long drink. I hardly felt the asshole’s blood hitting my system. Yep, like I’d guessed, he was barely out of diapers as far as the vampire world was concerned.

  I took one more pull, more for show than anything else - inwardly enjoying his feeble struggles against my attack. I pulled back and gave him a shove, his power added to my own, giving it just enough extra oomph to look impressive.

  He landed on his ass - the others making a hole as if afraid to touch him - then quickly scooted back, fear showing on his face. It was about fucking time.

  “Anyone else?” It was more warning than question.

  The only ones in the room who weren’t wearing an “Oh shit!” face were my roommate, Monkhbat, and Starlight. This was all old hat for them. Oh yeah, and Dave wasn’t doing much other than lying there with a freaking knife sticking out of his hand.

  I turned to Starlight, seeing as how she’d been referred to as coven master. I had a lot of questions about that, but for now, I had more immediate concerns. “So do you want to tell me exactly how that helps?” I pointed accusingly toward the pig-sticker currently bisecting my friend’s hand. I felt bad doing so, seeing her flinch slightly. She was a gentle soul - odd for a vampire. I would have never considered her cut out for leadership, but then again, I wouldn’t have thought that for myself either. Fate had a way of taking a look at our expectations and wiping its ass with them.

  “He turns,” Monkhbat repeated, rising from Dave’s side. Again, he lapsed into his native tongue.

  Starlight listened for a moment, asked one or two stilted questions back - guess that language course was still a work in progress - then turned toward me. “I think what he’s trying to say is that your friend is going to turn regardless. I’m so sorry, Bill.”

  I felt my roommate’s hand fall supportively upon my shoulder. It wasn’t a real surprise to hear those words - I had suspected as much when I’d given Dave my own once-over - but they still sucked balls nevertheless.

  “And the dagger?” Ed helpfully reminded.

  Most vamps would have either ignored or just outright killed him for daring to speak in their presence. Starlight wasn’t most vampires, though. “It’s to take his mind off the hunger.”

  “I think I get it.”

  “You do?” I asked, turning toward Ed. “Care to explain it to me?”

  “Remember Mrs. Caven?”

  I nodded. How could I forget? Jeff, the vampire who’d turned me, had kidnapped and bitten her as well - stupidly thinking she was my mother. She’d woken up as little more than a feral monster and attacked us without hesitation.

  “Well, I’m thinking this is to prevent him from waking up like that. A dagger sticking through his hand is probably going to be pretty hard to ignore. It’ll distract him from going on a rampage for blood.” He inclined his head toward Starlight. “That sound about right?”

  “In a nutshell,” she replied. “You’re Bill’s roommate, right?”

  He nodded. “Yep, I’m Ed.”

  “Sally mentioned you.”

  “She did?”

  Oh, Jesus. We were about to devolve into a high school cafeteria here.

  Fortunately, Monkhbat didn’t seem to know about that pitfall. He stood up before Ed could ask what Sally had said about him - probably something derogatory yet flattering at the same time - and gave the air around my roomie a sniff.

  “You smell wrong,” he stated flatly in broken English.

  “Well, yeah,” I replied. “We’ve both just spent the past hour refamiliarizing ourselves with the finer aspects of the Manhattan sewer system.”

  “No,” he said more forcefully. “He smells wrong.”

  I had no desire to bring a group of vamps, only one of whom I even remotely trusted, into the loop on what had happened when Grandpa
Walton had sunk his fangs into Ed. I didn’t know what the fuck was going on with him, but we could discuss that further at a time when we weren’t in a position to cause a panic amongst a horde of undead monsters. “Sorry, man,” I said to Ed, “but we all wished you used Dial.”

  A chuckle rippled amongst the assembled and broke the tension for the moment. The good thing about newbs was that they were all up on their pop culture references. I could dig that.

  The show over for the time being, Starlight once more took charge - resuming what I assumed we’d interrupted, closing down shop for the day. That was good. It would thin out the ranks and allow us to talk.

  More importantly, though, it would allow us to wait. I wasn’t sure exactly how long it would take, but in a few short hours, I’d be trying to explain things to one very pissed off formerly human doctor who held the fate of my favorite character in his hands.

  Not surprisingly, I found myself wondering if it was too late to catch a plane back to Switzerland.

  Chick Fight

  After the minions had wrapped things up, Starlight dismissed them for the day. Considering the sun had risen, I figured they’d most likely take the same route we’d used - the sewers - to go back to wherever they’d be sacking out. A few tried to stay behind, no doubt curious to see what was going on, but she shooed them away.

  Eventually, it was down to five of us: me, Star, Ed, Dave, Monkhbat, and Firebird. Following the coven’s exodus, an uncomfortable silence settled for a while. Starlight didn’t seem so pleased with Firebird’s presence for some reason. Maybe one had stolen the other’s eye shadow or something. Who knows? Personally, I was more worried about Monkhbat. He kept eyeing Ed, the look on his face unreadable.

  Any way you looked at it, this sure as shit wasn’t the homecoming I’d been expecting. How could things be so familiar yet so strange?

  There were plenty of questions on my mind. I wasn’t sure I’d like all the answers, but it definitely beat sitting around waiting for Dave to rise from his grave.

  “So, coven master Alice, is it?”