The Tome of Bill Series: Books 5-8 (Goddamned Freaky Monsters, Half A Prayer, The Wicked Dead, The Last Coven)

by Rick Gualtieri

  ...residents in all three boroughs are urged to remain indoors...

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  What the fuck? It was like the world picked the past twenty-four hours to go crazy. Almost like...no, that couldn’t be. Could I have somehow set this off? Maybe I’d been some sort of catalyst that...

  ...were saved by what residents are claiming was a glowing blonde warrior, surrounded by what one witness described as an aura of angelic fire...

  Tom clicked the television off.

  “Wait, what was...”

  “Dude, and that’s not even half of it.” He stepped between me and the boob tube. “I’m pretty sure we saw a fucking pterodactyl flying over the Brooklyn Bridge.”

  That caught my attention. “A pterodactyl?”

  “It wasn’t a pterodactyl,” Ed said. “It was more like a gargoyle.”

  “Fuck that. Gargoyles are made of stone. This was...”

  “Does is really matter?” I asked. “Seriously, neither of those things should be here. This is like arguing that the Easter Bunny is more real than Santa Claus. Speaking of mystical creatures, where’s Christy?”

  Tom frowned at that. “She’s put on a little weight, but she’s not that big yet.”

  “You know what I mean.”

  “Oh. She’s been putting together a new coven.” When he saw the look on my face, he quickly added, “One that’s a lot less focused on killing you.”

  “Good to know.”

  “Anyway, one of the new recruits is from Connecticut and she was hosting their gathering this week.”

  “Did you let her know she should stay away from the city?”

  “No cell phones allowed in the mystic circle.”

  “Wonderful. Leave her a message for when she’s done...communing, or whatever it is they’re doing.”

  He raised his eyebrows. “Good idea. I hadn’t thought of that.” Same old Tom.

  He walked off into the kitchen to call Christy, leaving Ed and me to converse.

  I shifted in my seat, making myself comfortable as I prepared to deliver the news. “I can’t leave.”

  “The hell you can’t. We need to get up to Boston and convince them that...”

  “That’s why I can’t leave. Boston is coming down to us.”

  “Not another assassination squad?”

  “I’m pretty sure it’s not. James is on the way.”

  Ed looked impressed. “The big man himself? Awesome. Think he’ll be able to take out Hercules?”

  “If anyone can, it’ll be him.”

  “What if he can’t?”

  “Then we probably thank our lucky stars we don’t get to live long enough to see the end of the world.”

  “Good thing I’ve been neglecting my 401K.”

  “Corporate douche.”

  “Unemployed loser.”

  “Touché.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  After leaving a message for Christy, Tom rejoined us. I filled him in on James’s impending arrival. Like Ed, he also refused to heed common sense and get away from the city - preferring to stand by my side.

  It was both maddening and touching at the same time, reminding me of how alone I had felt upon awakening in that dungeon. The depths of despair had sent me there to begin with, but I was forced to rethink that in their presence. At the same time, I still wasn’t comfortable with it. Both of them had been hurt following me around. Hell, I still wasn’t sure that either of them was entirely okay.

  Ed, proving to be far more empathic than I would have ever guessed, took a look at my face and promptly smacked me upside the head. “Knock it the fuck off. We’re adults, and you’re sure as shit not our dad.”

  Can’t argue against logic like that.

  That said, all that was left was to kill however many hours it took until James arrived to vastly augment our little group’s strength. Thankfully, wasting time was a skill that none of us had lost during my long sojourn.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  “When I go to sleep at night, the last thing I think about is...”

  “A good long shit.”

  “Hitler’s dick.”

  “No contest. Bill takes this round.” Tom handed me the token. We were playing some card game I’d found in one of the desk drawers to help pass the time. Everything about it had a perverted bent. I had to admit, it was a shitload more fun than poker.

  Darkness had fallen, yet the chaos hadn’t subsided. The power had flickered for about an hour and then finally gone out, leaving us without a TV to keep us informed as to what was going on out in the world. The only thing I knew for sure was I could still hear the occasional whine of sirens in the distance.

  “What if he can’t get in?” Ed took the deck from Tom and reshuffled it in the dim candlelight. “The bridges were crazy enough early on. I gotta imagine they’re not going to get any better.”

  “If shit gets bad enough, the cops might even close them down.”

  “Do you think any of that will stop James?” I asked.

  They both grinned. The answer was obvious.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  My faith in James was rewarded about twenty minutes later when he arrived. I almost shut the door after he stepped in before realizing he wasn’t alone. I had thought this’d be a solo mission, but a woman followed him in. Despite wearing heels, she made no noise as she walked - not even enough to set off my vampire senses. The newcomer was tall and thin - big surprise - with her dark hair pulled up in a severe bun. I took a moment to admire her attractive features - throwing a smile at her that wasn’t returned - when I realized she looked vaguely familiar.

  “Wait a second, didn’t...”

  “We met once in Boston,” she replied in a no-nonsense fashion. “I believe it was your first visit. You and your friend were busy disrupting my department.”

  The pieces fell into place. She was right. It had been my first trip up there - in an undead capacity, that is. I’d been amazed at the sight of zombies performing office duties and had gotten a little carried away. Sally had been in the middle of bitching me out when this woman had appeared and brow beaten us both. “Are you...”

  “Prefect Calibra, although you may address me by my name alone as long as you continue to remember my rank.”

  “O-kay. Bill Ryder at your service.”

  There came a snicker from further in the room. Tom, no doubt. The dude really didn’t have any control.

  Calibra stepped around me and in front of James. “Why are there living unthralled humans in a coven safe house?” Her tone was defensive, bordering on dangerous.

  “It is quite all right, my dear,” he replied smoothly. “They are the Freewill’s friends.”

  “Friends or not, they are unauthorized to be here. The lawful coven master has not sanctioned it, and the sensitivity of what we are...”

  “I can assure you that Dr. Death has already told his friends everything.” He cast a sidelong glance at me, to which I grinned guiltily. “I will vouch for their discretion as they were both present at the Woods of Mourning summit. Our secrets are quite safe with them.”

  Safe was a relative concept. Upon our return from that failed peace conference, I’d had to perform a factory reset on Tom’s phone to keep him from uploading pictures of Grulg, one of the Bigfeet, to Facebook.

  Seeking to turn the conversation away from my roommates, I locked the door and said, “I’m glad you’re here, James. Although I thought you were coming alone. After what you said...” I trailed off, then inclined my head toward Calibra. Her lips had pursed into a thin line. “No offense, Prefect.”

  “It is simple, really,” he replied. “Before I could leave the premises, I was helpfully reminded that the covens of the Northeast are under her protection. Any transgressions against them fall under her jurisdiction.”

  “Thank you for not taking offense, Wanderer.”

  “I never take offense at reminders of protocol, my dear,” he s
aid before addressing me again. “It is well within her rights to accompany me. Although, due to the potentially sensitive nature of this information, I insisted the rest of the Boston staff remain in the dark for now.”

  “So no Colin?” I asked hopefully.

  “Colin is my personal assistant and confidant. As such, he is aware of the situation, but offered to remain in Boston so as to research this matter further.”

  “How noble of him.”

  “Do not dismiss him so quickly. I am well aware of my assistant’s strengths and weaknesses. There are few amongst our ranks who possess his ability to traverse our myriad archives with...”

  Blah blah blah. I purposely tuned him out and focused instead on the bottom line: the douchebag wasn’t here. If he were, I’m sure he’d find some excuse to push me in front of the first bus that came along - metaphorical or not.

  Albeit, I considered as once more I heard the whine of a siren as it passed by outside, there was still more than a fair chance of that happening as the night wore on.

  Hell, it was more of a question of when than if.

  Stake Out

  I wasn’t sure which hurt more: the solid concrete support pillar that had ever so gently halted my intended trajectory, or the aluminum baseball bat that had sent me flying through the air.

  Either way, my body was pounded into a nicely bruised mush. Oh well, it was my own goddamned fault anyway.

  First, there had been the bickering at the safe house. James had wanted someone to stay behind so as to keep in contact with Boston and report on the situation from a semi-secured location. The problem was nobody had wanted to do so.

  There was no fucking way I wanted another showdown with Brutus Beefcake without James by my side. Calibra had fucking protocol backing her up. Tom or Ed were both obvious candidates, but neither of them wanted the job and I really wasn’t big on forcing the issue. If that creep managed to pick up Ed’s scent again, it would end badly. Tom...well, who the fuck knows how that would have come back to bite me in the ass? I wouldn’t allow them to be compelled either, pulling what little rank as the Freewill that I could. Hell, I wasn’t certain it would have even worked on Ed, considering the weirdness from earlier.

  The next several hours had turned out to be pointless anyway. New York City was in utter chaos. The site of the first burning building about two blocks away from the safe house and the National Guardsmen nervously blocking off the street told us the underground was a better bet.

  We scoured all officially known coven properties first. Since Chuck had dominated Starlight and Firebird, we figured it made sense that he might have holed up in one of our hangouts.

  That was Tom’s idea, by the way - calling that fucker Chuck. He said it was easier than continually referring to our foe as “that badass tattooed vampire who kicked our asses.” Also, Chuck made him sound a bit less invincible. Never discount the effects of a little positive psychological reinforcement.

  I’d first led us to the site of the loft, which had been one of the main gathering points of Village Coven. It had been blown to shit months back, but I figured there was always the chance it had been rebuilt. It hadn’t. All that remained was a fenced off crater, the debris having been long removed. The underground larder beneath it remained, but it appeared that it hadn’t been used in quite some time.

  It was only then that I realized my knowledge of Village Coven was sadly outdated. I honestly had no idea what, if any, new properties had come under our management.

  Calibra couldn’t help much there, either. As Prefect, she had information on all of our official holdings. However, her current insight was no greater than mine. If we had acquired any new digs recently, they might very well be off the grid. I wouldn’t have put that past Sally. She always thought two steps ahead of just about everyone else.

  I wasn’t about to say it in front of my companions, but the truth was I really wished she were there. Together, we’d survived shit that should have easily reduced us to our respective component ashes. Without her, I felt almost...naked.

  Once our known locations were scoured and discovered empty - nary a Village vamp to be found - we turned to the safe houses I knew about. Maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing Sally hadn’t been around. She’d surely have kicked my ass for that part.

  At the end of what turned out to be a long, fruitless search, we had only one location left that was still off Boston’s radar. And that’s where my face was mistaken for a World Series curveball.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Village Coven shared a safe house near the Brooklyn Naval Yard with the Howard Beach Coven, HBC for short, a rival group of vamps from Queens. Sadly, most of that rivalry stemmed from the fact that they mostly hated my guts. Even so, frosty as our relations were, there hadn’t been any open hostilities between us ever since a little altercation that ended with the dusting of their master, Samuel.

  We’d approached the structure in the late hours of the night, following a prolonged hike through the subway tunnels. The trains had been suspended, no doubt due to whatever the fuck was going on. All the while, I couldn’t help but notice the curious glances James kept giving Ed, albeit he kept whatever he was thinking to himself. I had little doubt that he’d noticed the same thing Monkhbat had - somehow, Ed’s scent was off. At least so I’d been told. He still smelled like the same old Ed to me, but then again, I didn’t have hundreds of years of gradually heightening powers to fall back on.

  Right outside of the safe house, James’s phone rang. Colin was on the other end, probably to kiss some ass and blather on about how all of this was my fault.

  James and Calibra stepped aside to talk to him, leaving the rest of us to wait for them to finish. Or we would have waited, except that Tom decided we might as well save ourselves the trouble and check things out on our own since every other place had been empty.

  Yeah, that was a mistake.

  I smelled the presence of other vamps not too long after stepping through the door. They were unfamiliar, though - definitely not the big angry dude we were searching for. HBC, obviously.

  Despite the potential danger, none of us had wanted to look like pussies in front of James, so we proceeded with caution. Tom pulled out the magical amulet he’d worn ever since Canada. Christy had made it for him and it somehow channeled faith magic - in his case, the love he’d had for a certain collectible toy. Yeah, he was a bit of a weirdo.

  Ed was more practical, armed with a nine-millimeter Glock. I’d found it, along with a few spare magazines of ammo, in the safe house, recognizing it as Sally’s backup piece. It didn’t hold nearly as big of a bang as her Desert Eagle, lost during my tumble down the elevator shaft, but it was more easily concealed - handy for running around the city in the middle of an emergency.

  Even so, I hadn’t expected much more than some posturing. The HBC liked to remind my coven that they were going to kick our asses, but it was mostly trash talk.

  Or so I had thought.

  Upon entering a large room on the second floor, four HBC vamps approached us.

  I had just managed to ask, “Which of you guys is in charge, because...” when my face was abruptly chosen for batting practice.

  That’s the problem with the world today - nobody talks through their problems.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  The blow knocked me for a loop, but I had the express displeasure of experiencing much worse in my short time amongst the undead. Hell, a generic beating by your garden variety vampire goon was practically a vacation in paradise these days - minus the beach, drinks, and topless women sunning themselves.

  I pulled myself together in time to duck another swing of the bat. It connected with the pillar behind me with a solid clunk, stopping the vamp in his tracks as the vibrations from the impact traveled up his arm.

  It was enough of an opening for me. I grabbed him by the jacket, spun, and tossed him into the waiting arms of his buddy, who’d been heading over to help him out - no dou
bt assessing me as the biggest threat in the room.

  That might have been a mistake on their part.

  “Yeah, you like that, bitch?”

  I turned towards the voice to find Tom hanging off the back of the third vamp, one arm around the guy’s neck, the other holding the amulet against his forehead. The vampire’s scream drowned out whatever else my roommate had to say as his head caught fire. It was something to behold...reminding me to be wary of the day Tom returned home holding a prize even more valuable than the vintage Optimus Prime toy that had first earned his insane love.

  Two shots echoed throughout the room - Ed, no doubt. Unfortunately, I didn’t have a chance to check on whether he’d found his mark. The two punks squaring off against me rushed forward and took me down in a double tackle. Fuck. Didn’t these guys ever watch kung-fu movies? Everyone knows you’re supposed to squander your superior numbers by attacking one at a time. Jeez!

  I went down with them on top, realizing that I could potentially be in trouble if either of them was armed with something sharp enough to stake me with. Fortunately - sorta - they peppered my face with fists instead.

  “What’d you do with them, fucker?” the Major League hopeful screamed at me. “Where are they, you fucking freak?”

  What the hell? “I don’t know what...”

  Another fist slammed into my mouth. “Don’t lie to me!”

  Okay, this was starting to get old. It was time to get nasty before these guys managed to ugly me up.

  Thankfully, one of the hallmarks of those untrained in the fighting arts is to keep making the same mistake over and over again. Trust me, I’m a near expert in that.

  “Please, you have to believe me...” Again, the words died in my throat as another punch connected. This time, though, I’d extended my fangs first.

  I bit down and crunched the knuckles with my teeth. Oh, gross! When was the last time this asshole had washed his fucking hands?

  He let out a scream as he tried to shake me off, but I held fast like an angry junkyard dog, biting down even harder as a dribble of blood began to fill my mouth.