The Tome of Bill Series: Books 5-8 (Goddamned Freaky Monsters, Half A Prayer, The Wicked Dead, The Last Coven)

by Rick Gualtieri

  So as I faced off against an asshole who would give most superheroes cause to hesitate, I did the sensible thing: I raised my gun and emptied it point blank into him.

  The weapon lacked the punch of Sally’s hand cannon, but made up for it by having a magazine with a shitload more bullets - bullets that I gleefully fired at my target until I was out.

  Sadly, the end result was not his immediate incineration. I was forced to conclude that either the gun didn’t have enough power to punch through this asshole or I couldn’t hit the side of a barn to save my life.

  At least I’d staggered the meathead a little, which gave me an opening. Calling upon all the speed at my disposal, I raced forward, noting the mini geysers of sparks that began to spurt from the holes I’d riddled him with. Not being one to admire my own handiwork - much - I cocked my arm back and used the gun as makeshift brass knuckles, augmenting my blow and slamming it against his jaw.

  Much to my surprise, it worked - sending the economy-sized prick flying to land on his back dazed...hopefully.

  Acting quickly, lest I think better of my plan, I leapt and elongated my claws at the same time. My plan was simple: finish what James had started.

  Sadly, Chuck had different plans. He got one leg beneath me as I landed and kicked out with it. I’d jumped about ten feet and flew back more than thirty, hurtling as if I were auditioning for a role as a cruise missile. I snuck a quick glance at my friends - still busy dismembering the zombies - as I flew by and then my momentum was halted by something nice and solid.

  I initially thought the loud crack that sounded was my spine shattering, but then saw my friends scramble out of the way as a telephone pole came crashing down, electrical wires snapping in the process.

  One of them landed on the now armless torso of one of the zombies and ignited it. The air filled with a stench that almost made Ed seem like a summer breeze by comparison.

  Unfortunately, I didn’t have time for further gawking. Chuck was back on his feet again. The fucker actually had the nerve to hold up his hand and gesture me onward - mocking my Bruce Lee move from the day before. What a prick.

  Fine. If this asshole wanted to rumble, I was...actually, I had no idea what the fuck I was going to do. He had me outclassed in just about every single aspect, minus maybe mastery of the English language. Sadly, I didn’t think a lively debate about the finer points of dangling participles would win the day.

  Screw that, I wasn’t sure anything would win the day. The entire affair had gone tits up. We needed to cut our losses and fast. James was probably going to kick my ass for doing so, but it was time to put my contingency plan into play.

  I dragged myself back to my feet, feeling my body, probably now one big bruise, protest. Oh well, in several hundred years I could look forward to one of those ultra-fast healing factors. For now, though, I needed to suck it up, pretend to look unhurt, and stop wasting time on stupid distractions.

  Sally was still busy stomping one of the zombies into paste. I couldn’t blame her. Who’d have thought they’d pull a mind-fuck and keep moving after their brains had been splattered? Jeez, didn’t any of these assholes watch The Walking Dead?

  Ed and Dave were busy grappling with the remaining one. My newly undead friend was failing to grasp that he now had super strength - and they dared call me clueless. Oh well, he’d figure it out eventually.

  I raced forward and leapt over wires so as to not end the day like a deep-fried Twinkie. “Any time you get a free moment,” I shouted to my roommate, hooking a thumb toward Sally.

  Nearing my foe, I took a running jump, hoping to take him high. Unfortunately for me, James had recovered and decided to take him low. The two went down in a tangle of arms and legs as I sailed over them and landed flat on my face against the cold, unforgiving asphalt. That’s okay, I really didn’t need pesky things like skin.

  “I told you, this is my fig....oof!”

  Chuck broke the hold James had upon him and brought up a knee into his stomach, doubling him over. A casual backhand sent James crashing to the ground.

  It appeared that the gloves were off now. If I had to guess, I’d say the Chuckster had been toying with James, making him feel like he had a fighting chance. That in of itself scared the ever living shit out of me. Since being turned into a vamp, James had been a cornerstone, a pillar of power to be respected. To see him manhandled like that was sobering. It was like getting into a fight with some drunk at the bar, only to watch him pull open his shirt and display the S insignia underneath.

  Chuck delivered another kick to James’s midsection, audibly pulverizing his ribs and putting him down for the count. Then the fucker turned back toward me.

  He raised his fists, threw back his head, and screamed a victory cry, doubtlessly signaling his utter triumph to the eyeballs watching. I was half expecting him to ask if we smelled what he was cooking.

  He wasn’t finished yet, though. His eyes settled upon me. Uh oh.

  Just then, a surprised cry came from the direction of my friends. “What the fuck are you doing?”

  It was Sally. Although turning my head for even an instant could be an immediate death sentence, I looked over nevertheless.

  Ed, finally heeding my advice, had one hand in her pants pocket, presumably digging for her phone - while she stood there with a look somewhere between surprise and amusement.

  “I didn’t say to enjoy it, asshole,” I shouted at him, certain that I was going to die surrounded by idiots.

  Perhaps not, though.

  Rather than throttling me into paste, the big goon had his hand outstretched, palm up. “JOIN ME, BROTHER!!”

  The compulsion, like the others, had no force behind it. He was merely projecting it so that I would understand. Even so, what the fuck?

  That’s when it hit me. He’d obviously figured out I was the Freewill during our first meeting when his compulsion fell flat. Now here he was, triumphant. Over one of the Draculas, no less. Could there be any more complete of a victory for him? Well, aside from taking down the rest of that fun bunch - there was me. Defeating the Freewill would be good, but cowing me would be even better.

  The very thought repulsed me, but I sadly realized I probably didn’t have much choice. This guy could crush me within seconds, if not less. He’d then finish off my friends at his leisure. Even Ed’s faith-imbued blood wouldn’t do him much good if it was smeared all over the street.

  Goddamn, how I hated times like this - faced with my own personal Kobayashi Maru. It seemed to be far too common of an occurrence in my life as of late.

  Stepping forward slowly, I gritted my teeth and sucked it up. It was the only way to buy my friends some time - damning myself to save them.

  I reached the big goon and looked up at him, half expecting him to lunge forward at any moment and skin me alive. But he just stood there, arm outstretched, giving me a chance to join him.

  I lifted my hand to his, knowing one thing was certain...

  If given the choice between the smart thing to do and pissing off some asshole, I will always choose the latter.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  “Psych!” I cried, lifting my hand just as they were about to touch.

  His brow furrowed in annoyance, to which I added, “You got something on your face.”

  That something was a bullet from Sally’s gun. It struck him high in the temple and snapped his head to the side. Bone fragments went flying. Even as that happened, the sound from the massive gun’s report reached my ears.

  As I’d approached, I’d seen Ed retrieve Sally’s phone then quickly back up to let her take aim - and probably keep from getting decked. Bad luck Chuck might have power beyond anything I’d ever faced before, but I had friends - good ones I could count on.

  “Yeah, asshole, how do you like...”

  The words died in my throat as he turned back to me. The bullet had dug a deep furrow in his forehead. The cracked bone gleamed white in the night but,
somehow, it hadn’t penetrated.

  Goddamn, what did it take to put this guy down for good?

  My eyes went wide as I realized what that something was. Chuck stared at me, rage in his eyes. His canines elongated until they were nearly daggers. However, my full attention was on who was standing right behind him.

  I had mentioned earlier that the kid gloves were off, and James had seemingly drawn the same conclusion. He appeared behind the monster, his silver combat knife - the one he’d used on the Sasquatch - raised. I smiled as he brought it down with hopefully enough momentum to filet this motherfucker.

  Amazingly, the blade stopped less than an inch from its intended target.

  Chuck had moved faster than I could comprehend. One moment, his hand was still outstretched toward me, and the next he’d spun to catch James by the wrist.

  Before any of us could react, he yanked back - his true strength finally on display - and ripped James’s arm out at the socket.

  I barely even had time to register my horror at this act when the brute swung around and used the arm as a makeshift club on me. He contemptuously batted me away, then discarded it atop my prone form as he turned back, no doubt to finish this fight once and for all.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  I lay there with the severed limb atop me, trying to shake the cobwebs from my head. As I regained my senses, a pained scream rent the night. It was nearly impossible to believe, but that tortured sound was coming from James.

  Chuck held him up with one arm, positioning him so that he was an inhuman shield - ruining any shot Sally had. His other hand was wrist deep in James’s stomach. His fingers flexed beneath the skin as he slowly tore my friend apart from the inside. Anger filled me at hearing the anguish of the man who had saved me on the night I was turned and had always treated me fairly when others had not.

  First Dave, then Starlight, and now James. If I didn’t stop him, Sally and Ed would surely follow. How much more would this asshole take from me before he was through?

  No. I wouldn’t allow it.

  I gritted my teeth and forced myself to confront the impending reality of their deaths. It was too much and I began to see red.

  Yes, that was it. I willed the rage to take me away. It was the only way to stop this motherfucker once and for all. He would know the true power that lurked inside of me. In the past, I had been frightened of the beast waiting to be released, certain he would kill my friends if let loose. I still wasn’t entirely sure Dr. Death wouldn’t, but they would certainly die without him. It was a chance I was willing - no, had to take.

  I said a silent goodbye to the world, then gave myself wholly to the rage - closing my eyes to let it carry me away on a tidal wave of bloodlust.

  A moment passed.

  Then another.

  Then yet another.

  Nothing fucking happened, except me continuing to lie there, feeling really pissed off, with a severed limb bleeding out on me.

  What the fuck?

  I may have just imagined it, but it seemed my inner voice replied, Which part about me being on vacation did you not understand?

  Fucking asshole!

  Goddamnit! This shit never happened in the comic books. Wasn’t the hero supposed to come to some sort of bullshit truce with his inner demons during the climactic battle?

  Fuck me. Lying there and having an inner monologue with myself wouldn’t do jack shit to help James.

  Unfortunately, that was my trump card. I had nothing left...except...

  I glanced at the arm lying atop me. Oh, the things I was willing to do to help my friends.

  Grasping it, I upended the ragged end toward my mouth and used it like the most gruesome beer stein ever. I gave it a squeeze and was rewarded with a small trickle of blood, which I wasted no time in swallowing. It wasn’t much, but it didn’t need to be.

  It hit my stomach and I immediately felt the effect, powering up to several times my normal level. I rose to my feet, feeling nearly invincible, but didn’t allow myself to be fooled. I’d seen more than I needed to know that James’s power wouldn’t be nearly enough. But maybe that wasn’t all I had at my disposal.

  I just had to hope Chuck’s body had expelled enough of the silver...and that he also didn’t kill my ass before I got a chance to sink my teeth in. The odds certainly weren’t in my favor, but were they really ever?

  Launching myself at his back, I grabbed him in a choke hold with one arm. The asshole barely budged, but that was okay. He could stay where he was if that floated his boat. All I needed to do was bare my fangs and...

  Be tossed over his shoulder?

  Chuck dropped James’s broken form and peeled me from his back like an old coat. Thankfully for me, I wasn’t exactly running at my normal levels. I spun, a blur of motion, and smacked him in the face with James’s severed arm - which I still clung to like it was some sort of freaky-ass talisman. It hit with a meaty thud, but aside from smearing the goon’s face with gore, it didn’t do much more than cause him to raise a bemused eyebrow.

  Fortunately for me, I had two arms - well, two that were mine anyway. I followed up with my other, this one cocked into a fist.

  I hit home with enough force to shatter cement, but all I did was turn his head a few degrees. Goddamn, this guy had a jaw built like the bulkhead of a battleship.

  Okay, I had a couple of legs at my disposal, too...more specifically, a knee. I had James’s strength to back me up this time - more than enough force to make this guy taste his own testicles in the back of his throat.

  I kicked out with everything I had...and immediately felt the scream bubble up in my throat as my leg met his claws. My own momentum sunk them in nearly to the knuckle.

  A fist to the stomach took the rest of the fight out of me, pulverizing several of my favorite organs in the process. I puked blood, not all of it James’s, from the force of it and would have doubled over had his powerful hand not grasped my shoulder - forcing me to stay upright.

  I was spun around and dragged roughly backward until I could feel Chuck’s muscular chest pressed against me.

  Uh oh. I really hoped that he wasn’t about to try compelling me to squeal like a pig.

  To my surprise, though, he roughly pushed my head to the side.

  What the...?

  Searing pain erupted from where my shoulder met my neck as sharp teeth tore apart my skin.

  So that was what it felt like. I could understand why other vamps weren’t too appreciative of me doing that to them.

  Oh yeah, also...Fuck!

  My only solace was in knowing this asshole would end the day curled up in a fetal ball, as if he’d just eaten a plateful of spoiled enchiladas. I was the only vampire alive who could drink another’s blood and not projectile vomit his guts out.

  That’s when I realized what he was doing. He’d beaten James, one of the Draculas, at his own game - outfighting and overpowering him. Kicking my ass, too, wasn’t much of a stretch under normal circumstances for an older vamp, but if he put me down by laying the bite on me, his victory would be complete. He’d have bested me with my own trick - even at the cost of suffering for it himself.

  I tried to pry him off with my free hand, but it was no use. As strong as James’s blood made me, this guy was a metric fuck-ton stronger and I was getting weaker by the moment.

  In fact, it wasn’t long before I began to feel woozy from loss of blood.

  “Bill, get down!”

  Get down? I didn’t hear any music playing. Fucking raves and their drugged up teenyboppers - but not drugged up enough to want to dance with me...

  “Bill!”

  Wait. I gave my head a quick shake, momentarily clearing it. That was Sally. Maybe she was hoping to plug this fucker with another bullet. That’d be nice.

  Sadly, I was right in the line of fire.

  Oh, screw it. What was that line from Speed about taking the hostage out of the equation?

  I couldn’t
believe I was doing this, but I needed her to shoot through me in the hopes of getting this asshole. I opened my mouth to tell her such, but only a choked, blood-filled gurgle escaped.

  There had to be some way to signal her to go ahead and open fire. I began to wave my arms...in turn waving James’s arm, which, for some reason, I was still hanging onto...

  Hold on a second.

  James’s hand was clenched in a death grip, still holding the knife he’d tried to bisect this fucker with earlier.

  It wasn’t exactly a gift horse, but I wasn’t about to look it in the mouth either.

  As Chuck continued sucking the lifeblood out of me, I pried the cold, dead fingers open and grabbed hold of the heavy Bowie knife, silver coated for those times when one was in the mood to slice and dice the undead.

  I couldn’t afford the time to line up the perfect shot. He’d just block me anyway. So I raised the weapon and blindly brought it down with everything I had left.

  Suck on this, dickhead.

  The weapon was razor sharp and I slammed it straight into Chuck’s kneecap with whatever strength I had left. Tough as he was, even he couldn’t ignore that.

  He released me as he threw back his head to howl in pain.

  Booyah, motherfucker!

  Knowing that my partner was no doubt developing an itchy trigger finger, I immediately threw myself to the ground and was rewarded by the sound of her massive handgun - the bullets splitting the air above me.

  Sparing a quick look over my shoulder, I was pleased to see King Kong had multiple high caliber holes in his torso, each starting to spurt sparks.

  I knew better than to lie there gawking, hoping for a shower of dust, so I slapped myself across the face to clear out the cobwebs - ouch. Clambering to my feet, I slowly made my way to where James lay unmoving. He was a mess, pale and bloody, but at least the ragged stump of his shoulder had scabbed over. As long as there was a body, there was still hope - however small it might be.

  Thankfully, I still had enough left in me to hoist him over my shoulder, hoping that the Chuckster would at least be slowed down by the pig-sticker currently turning his leg into a Roman candle.