The Tome of Bill Series: Books 5-8 (Goddamned Freaky Monsters, Half A Prayer, The Wicked Dead, The Last Coven)

by Rick Gualtieri

  “YOU FAGS THINK YOU’RE TOUGH ENOUGH TO FUCK WITH KELVIN LIGHTBLADE?!”

  Normally, my compulsions aren’t much to write home about, at least without the blood of another vampire to juice them up, but they’re more than enough to catch the attention of newbs.

  My arms were freed as the two who’d been holding me stumbled back.

  The one still on the ground managed to pry his smashed helmet off, revealing, as expected, the face of the third member of my group – Carl. Or at least I assumed it was him behind the broken, blood-gushing nose.

  “Bill?”

  And with that, the encounter was over – all XP in my favor. Yeah, baby!

  “Yes, it’s me. What the fuck are you assholes doing?” I asked, still rightfully miffed.

  Adam stripped off his Cyberman mask. “Sorry, man, we didn’t know.”

  “Yeah,” Mike added. “We thought you were the delivery guy.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  “You thought I was some guy from Dominos?” I asked incredulously, feeling the bruises I’d incurred already healing. “Do I look like I’m carrying a fucking pizza?”

  “Well...”

  “Seriously, what the fuck? Did they jerk off on your last pie or something?”

  “It’s not like that, Bill,” Mike said. “We were just hungry.”

  “I get that, but just because someone is late is no reason to beat the shit out of them.”

  “We weren’t going to beat the shit out of him,” Adam corrected. “We were going to eat him.”

  “And the pizza too,” Carl added.

  My eyes nearly bugged out of my head as I processed this. What the fuck had happened here?

  Just then, the sound of a door opening somewhere behind me registered in my overly sensitive vampire ears. Scratch that question, I knew what – or more precisely who – had happened here.

  “Oh shit.” There came a quick gasp of surprise followed by the squeal of the door reversing course.

  “Not so fast, asshole,” I snapped. “You have some explaining to do.”

  “Wait a second,” Adam said, looking me over. “Aren’t you hurt?”

  “Just my feelings.”

  “Holy shit. Are you a vampire too?”

  “No, I’m the fucking Batman.”

  He turned toward Dave, who I assumed was still standing behind me with a guilty look upon his face. “You didn’t tell us you bit Bill too.”

  What? Oh Jesus Christ. “Everyone get inside now.”

  “Who died and made you...”

  “SHUT UP, GET INSIDE, AND CLOSE THE GODDAMNED DOOR!! It sounds like you guys have a story to tell, and right now, I’m all ears.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  It wasn’t until we were all settled in Dave’s apartment that I realized that had been the first time I’d tried a mass compulsion. I’d been so annoyed at the whole situation, it had just come out ... barely registering with me until I noticed my gaming buddies standing around with glassy-eyed stares on their faces.

  All at once, I sort of got an inkling why the other vamps enjoyed doing this. Goddamn, there was something to be said for telling a group to shut up and them actually doing it.

  No, I reminded myself. That was a slippery slope. I might be trying to change my outlook on life, but there were some lines I needed to be mindful of lest I completely bypass tough-guy wannabe and end up as a total asshole-in-training.

  I glanced around Dave’s apartment. Huh, that was interesting. The gaming table was all set up. Despite the power being out, it looked the same as it always did on game day.

  Fuck it. There was no point in wasting the opportunity. I sat myself down in Dave’s seat and took a deep breath. Clearing my thoughts, I willed my friends free of my control – hoping that’s how it worked. After a moment or two, they all blinked a few times and their eyes cleared. Not bad for a first try.

  When that was done, I held up a hand before Dave could say a word and indicated the player chairs around the table. This time, I was the dungeon master, and these fuckers were going to play my game.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  “You’re probably a little angry,” Dave began, his usual attitude shelved for the moment.

  “Let’s say I’m more concerned than angry, shall we?”

  “What the hell is going on here?” Mike asked, his gaze alternating between us before settling upon Dave. “I thought you said you were a master vampire, hundreds of years old.”

  “Is that what you said, buddy?” I leaned forward, making a tent of my hands upon which I rested my chin as if listening intently.

  “I may have...”

  Adam interrupted him. “Fuck yeah, he did. We were all gathered for the game – sorry about what happened to Kelvin, by the way – when he laid it on us and...”

  I spun toward him, my brows furrowed. “Wait a second. What happened to Kelvin?”

  “You shouldn’t have tried to steal the astral gems from that statue of Morog, the demon god of sodomy while...”

  “Why was I stealing gems from a sodomy demon?”

  “Why not?”

  My fangs descended in annoyance. Another few seconds of this and I was gonna compel them all to act it out in front of me. “Okay, we can discuss that later.” I threw another glare toward Dave. “Let’s get back to this master vampire stuff.”

  “No prob, man,” Adam said as if discussing just another in-game adventure. “So we all thought he was full of shit, but then he pulled out a lead pipe and bent the fuck out of it.”

  Carl tapped him on the shoulder. “Don’t forget about the rat.”

  “Oh yeah. Then he told us to follow him back to his lab, where he pulled this rat out of its cage and ate the fucker right in front of us.”

  “I drained it,” Dave said, almost apologetically. “I didn’t eat it.”

  “Either way, we’re talking some sick shit. I, for one, was convinced.”

  “Me too,” Mike added.

  “Not me,” Carl said. “At least, not until he started cutting himself and healing instantly.”

  “Quite the floor show.” I inclined my head toward my former DM, enjoying watching him squirm for once. “So then how did we end up here, with you guys trying to take a bite out of my ass because you thought I was late with your pizza?”

  “We weren’t going to bite your ass,” Mike replied. “Well, maybe Adam was.”

  An empty beer can bounced off his head courtesy of my other party-mate.

  “Back it up,” I clarified. “I mean, how did you guys end up...” I put my index and middle fingers up to my mouth to simulate fangs. Not sure why, since I had them myself, but I was kind of caught up in the moment. “Did he attack you?”

  “No, he offered,” Carl said, leaning back in his chair. For all the concern he was giving my questioning, you’d have thought he was about to roll initiative against a pair of kobolds. “Said he needed to make a coven or something. I still don’t get that shit. I thought they...”

  “Were for witches, I know. They stole the idea from us.” I turned to Dave and raised an eyebrow, waiting until he got the hint it was his turn to answer my unspoken question.

  Finally, he sighed, looking much like a teenager who’d been caught sneaking out of the house after dark. “You said it yourself. Uncovened vampires aren’t allowed.”

  “That didn’t mean to make your own! That’s ... not how it’s done.”

  “Well, nobody bothered to tell me that,” he replied defensively, getting to his feet.

  “Maybe if you’d stuck around...”

  “And be what? Knocked out by that hot blonde over and over again?”

  “She didn’t do it that many times.”

  “Are you kidding me? I couldn’t even get up to take a piss without her telling me to go back into the other room and take a long nap. Undead or not, I’m pretty sure that’s not healthy for a bladder.”

  Yeah, I could definitely see Sally
doing that. “Listen, Dave, I’m sorry for...”

  “Hold on,” Carl said. “I want to hear more about this hot blonde.”

  Adam sniffed dismissively. “Hot blondes are overrated.”

  “Go fuck yourself. Inquiring minds want to know. Seriously, dude, so did she, y’know, molest you in your sleep?”

  “Well, I did have a couple of dreams that were pretty realis...”

  “No, she didn’t,” I snapped, perhaps a bit harsher than was warranted by what was obviously a bullshit story. Hell, I’d told probably a thousand of them myself to this very bunch. I needed to chill out a bit before anyone questioned why the lady ... err, me ... doth protest too much. “Let’s forget about Sally for the moment and get back to...”

  Carl and Mike’s heads both whipped toward me fast enough to give an old lady whiplash. “You know her name?”

  “Well, yeah. She’s my friend.”

  “Your friend, eh?” Carl turned toward Mike and started moving his fist toward his mouth while jabbing the inside of his cheek with his tongue.

  “It’s not like that. Well, okay, maybe it’s a little like that.”

  Fuck it. I was amongst friends.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  High-fives commenced, and then I tried to steer us back on track. “Seriously, guys. What’s up with the masks and the pizza guy bullshit?”

  Dave held up his hands. “Don’t look at me.”

  I raised one eyebrow to express my dubious belief in his statement.

  “Seriously. I’ve been sneaking blood from the hospital. The place is fucking chaos. They’re going through so much these days, they don’t even notice a few liters missing here and there. I mean, sure, there’s been a couple of terminal patients too, but you can’t blame a guy for experimenting a bit.”

  Now that was the Dave I knew. “Keep going. I’m listening.”

  “After I took over ... I mean, made my coven, I started sneaking things out to them – blood, the occasional fresh corpse, shit like that.”

  “So then what was the problem?”

  “Seriously, man,” Adam said, addressing my former DM, “that was weak. I mean, you can’t turn us into the unholy fiends of the night and then ask us to gnaw on the equivalent of a dog bone.”

  “Adam’s right,” Mike added. “I mean, that’s like asking someone who was just bitten by a radioactive spider to not hang from the ceiling.”

  I really didn’t like where this was going. “And?”

  “So we acted the part, of course. Was kind of messed up at first, but then Carl said...”

  “I can speak for myself, thank you. I was like, we could be the motherfucking Lost Boys. Those fuckers kicked all sorts of ass, got all the chicks, and were badass cool ... minus the eighties mullets and that poster of Rob Lowe.”

  “Yeah, what the fuck was up with that?” Mike asked absently.

  “I’m pretty sure that was in Corey Haim’s room, not the Lost Boy’s lair,” I replied before shaking my head in disbelief. Fuck me! They’d all become killers just to emulate some stupid fictional bad guys from an era that almost rivaled the seventies in tackiness? “Forget the fucking movie. You guys are hunting down people. Real, innocent people.”

  “Innocent is really a subjective concept,” he replied. “Besides, we started off with lowlifes and gang members ... real Dark Knight shit.”

  “So what happened?”

  “They eventually got the hint and moved out of the neighborhood.”

  “So, you decided the pizza guy was the next great evil to be purged from this Earth?”

  “To paraphrase,” Carl said, “‘You can either die a hero, or live long enough to become the bad guy.’”

  “You’ve only been vampires for a few months,” I pointed out.

  “We get bored easily.”

  “Besides, it’s not like you would do any different,” Adam added, scoffing. “Remember when Kelvin found that lightning rapier? That piece of shit was just plus one, yet you started a fight at the first inn we came across because you couldn’t wait to try it out. Killed the damned pub owner’s wife with a crit.”

  “Yeah, but...”

  “And then fucked her corpse.”

  “Yes, thank you. I remember, but that’s not the point!” My fangs descended and my eyes blackened in annoyance.

  “Whoa,” Mike said. “Easy there, buddy.”

  I rounded on him with a snarl, my temper fraying, but then stopped myself. They were all in serious need of a good beat-down. Hell, they were all deserving of jail time, really, but I didn’t see that in the cards. Even so, I couldn’t be blamed for kicking the shit out of them. Fuck, they probably deserved to be dusted because they’d turned out to be such monsters, unlike...

  Actually, they weren’t all that different from me, were they? Hadn’t I considered doing similar stuff when I was first turned? Maybe not the mass murder part, but I’d definitely wanted to try out my abilities. Hell, the motto of any gamer worth his salt when it came to newfound powers was “use it and abuse it.”

  In my case, though, I’d chosen a different path. It probably didn’t hurt that I also had Tom and Ed around. As fucked-up as those two could be, I’m sure they’d have said something if I’d shown an inclination toward depopulating our neighborhood.

  “And what did you do while this was going down?” I asked Dave, my eyes still soulless orbs of black vengeance.

  “What? Between my job and research...” He hesitated when I bared my teeth. “I was the one who suggested the masks and keeping things low key ... you know, maybe a delivery person a week, the occasional crackhead, stuff like that. I also suggested they keep in character.”

  “In character?”

  “Yeah,” Carl said, a hint of pride in his voice. “You have to admit that hitting you from behind was definitely worth some sneak attack damage.”

  “What? You don’t even play a thief.”

  “I know, but we switch off character classes every now and then. Hell, you should have seen it a few weeks back when I pulled out the Barbarian Rage. It took three showers before...”

  “I get the hint,” I snapped. It was true too. Hell, Village Coven’s properties were purposely stocked with the facilities and extra attire needed to clean up after a particularly fun-filled evening. But those hadn’t been my idea. Those were all in place prior to my taking over, back when Jeff had been boss.

  Under my charge, I’d tried to curb things, but it had been an uphill battle. Hell, even the new recruits I’d met recently – their early days as vampires spent under the rule of Starlight – had been bloodthirsty assholes. And she’d been the farthest vamp I knew from being a coldblooded killer.

  A thought began to form in my head, maybe more of a revelation. “Why?” I asked, hoping that they didn’t give me the answer I knew they probably would.

  “Why what?” Adam asked.

  “Why the killing? I know you guys. None of you have ever so much as jay-walked.”

  “I shoplifted a candy bar when I was seven,” Mike said.

  “And I see how it set you off down the path toward Guantanamo Bay,” I scoffed. Mike was, or had been, a middle manager at a large health food conglomerate, about as harmless a job as one could find. “What changed?”

  “We did,” Adam replied. “Look at us. We’re all so much more than we were. Fuck, I can put my fist through the drywall here without so much as feeling it.”

  “Please don’t,” Dave added.

  “We’re beyond laws, beyond humanity. I mean, jeez, Bill, read a book or something. This is the way we’re supposed to act.”

  Carl nodded. “And it is pure awesome to have absolutely no fucks left to give.”

  The Douchetastic Four

  I’d been afraid of an answer like that. It amounted to “because we can,” which seemed to mirror the attitudes of most other vamps I’d met.

  Why? Was it an “absolute power corrupts absolutely” thing? If so,
that pointed to some extremely shallow personalities. A newborn vamp got some nifty abilities, but it’s not like they woke up as Superman. I remembered my first few weeks as a vampire distinctly, especially a little episode in which I got my ass handed to me by some guy in a club. The freshly risen were tough, but by no means unbeatable. Our powers grow as we age, but that takes several years. I mean, I was the strongest vampire in the room, but it was only by a marginal amount. If the rest decided to gang up on me, they’d potentially fuck up my shit.

  Was it maybe because of something deeper? Was there something about waking up as a monster of the night that actually gave you a proclivity toward becoming one? Hell, my turning was anything but normal – even among vamps. I hadn’t been given much time to acclimate before I was diving out a window in order to save my own ass.

  But then I remembered the first bit of typical vampire business I’d been exposed to – being given a fat, naked dude to drink from ... well, it was the drinking that was typical, hopefully not the fat, naked part. It had almost sucked me in, pun intended. My fangs had descended, and I’d started chewing a hole in the guy’s neck before I even knew what I was doing. It was only by force of will that I’d managed to resist.

  It hadn’t seemed like a big deal at the time. Now, I had to wonder if that had actually been my defining moment. Had I not stopped myself, would it have proven to be a slippery slope? I was sitting here, ready to judge my friends for turning into monsters, but maybe they were just darker reflections of who I was – who I could have been with only the slightest extra nudge that night.

  Wow. That could explain why there were so many Jeffs and Colins in the vampire world and so few Starlights and Jameses.

  Sadly, we were probably a little late in the game for me to spend time philosophizing about this shit. I didn’t have hundreds of years to meditate on the nature of the beast or sit in a cave full of funky vapors, waiting for visions while I poked my eyes out of my head every hour. The end of the world was looming, and I had a sinking sensation a group hug and some understanding wouldn’t halt it.