The Tome of Bill Series: Books 5-8 (Goddamned Freaky Monsters, Half A Prayer, The Wicked Dead, The Last Coven)

by Rick Gualtieri

  That still left the problem of my gaming group. It seemed Dave had his shit under control. That wasn’t surprising. Waking up with a burning desire to cause harm to the human race was probably a slow Tuesday as far as he was concerned. Guess being a dick in life sort of insulated you from it. My other friends, though, had become killers and seemed happy as pigs in shit about it. Something needed to be done.

  Sure, I had much bigger fish to fry. What were a few people compared to the entire world being royally fucked by whichever side won the war? Would saving a few Newark residents from the dork knights mean much if humanity was enslaved by either Alex or the Sasquatches?

  Hell, I’m not even sure my roommates would argue with those odds. Still, I had a conscience, a grasp on my humanity – however tenuous at times – and it probably didn’t hurt that one of the two women I had feelings for was the foretold last defender of humanity. Purposely leaving a major city at the mercy of a bunch of ... err, deadly nerds ... would probably not score me any points in her book.

  I considered my options while they continued bantering among themselves – each one telling tales of their supernatural prowess: who had killed the most people, who’d spilled the most blood, who’d picked up the most one-night-stands via his vampiric charisma – in short, all bullshit, at least that last part.

  Dave was alone in keeping his mouth shut. Though his tenure as a vampire was short, he was a smart guy – smart enough to put two and two together and know I was currently the big dog in the room. It felt good for a change.

  Still, I hadn’t made a trip out here to gloat. I’d come with a very specific purpose in mind. It was time to get to it.

  “Can I have a word with you? Alone, in your lab?” That was a bit of a joke, trying to get some privacy from vampires by stepping into another room not ten feet away. Still, I knew my friends – a self-absorbed bunch once they got to bullshitting if ever there was.

  Dave arched an eyebrow, probably certain he was about to get a new asshole chewed, but simply replied, “Sure, Bill.”

  I followed him toward the small extra bedroom that he’d converted into a poor man’s Dr. Frankenstein lab. Before closing the door behind me, I addressed the rest of the party.

  “If the real pizza guy gets here, pay him, tip well, and don’t fucking kill him. I mean it. Oh, and save me a slice while you’re at it.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  “I know what you’re gonna say.”

  “How has your research been coming along?”

  “Okay,” he replied, blinking stupidly. “Maybe I don’t know what you’re gonna say. Come again?”

  “This ain’t your personal porno. I need to know if you’ve been keeping up with your experiments.” It was a rhetorical question. A quick glance around confirmed that. Also, I knew Dave. He was the type to plan for the world normalizing again – probably in a way that would ensure he’d make a few bucks in the process. Screw bettering humanity when there was cold, hard cash at stake.

  “How could I not?” he asked simply enough. “Especially now that I have an endless supply of samples to draw from. Let me tell you, spontaneous tissue regeneration is fucking awesome.”

  “Can’t argue with that, but the hurting kinda sucks.”

  “Which is precisely what they make local anesthesia for.”

  “You never used a local on me.”

  “You never asked.”

  Same old Dave. Still my buddy, but a world-class prick. I decided to let that pass for now. He’d never meant to get turned into a vampire, and it was pretty much one-hundred percent my fault that he had. I could cut him a little bit of slack from that perspective. “Fine, I need to know...”

  “I wouldn’t mind a few more samples from you, of course.”

  “Why? You just said...”

  “I know, but you’re different. Yes, you already told me as much, but it turns out that physically that might be the case too. I was comparing my blood to yours via some prepared slides I had made months ago. Hard to get a full readout with this crap here, but your samples seem to have a few extra protein strands that I can’t quite identify. It might be contamination, but I’d love to get some fresh blood so maybe I can sneak into the Microscopy unit over at Saint Jerome’s and find out for sure.”

  “I think I’m gonna have to take a rain check on that one.”

  He opened his mouth, but I held up a hand and then gave him a very brief overview of what had gone down since he’d gone AWOL. Needless to say, I made it a point to drive home the urgency of the situation.

  I needn’t have bothered.

  “So, you’re telling me that not only do you have a girl living with you that can heal others with her touch, but your roommate has a condition that’s never been seen before?” His eyes lit up as he spoke, the sound of gears turning in his head practically audible.

  “As far as I can tell anyway. He’s an anomaly ... although this Vehron guy seems to prefer the term ‘abomination.’ Whatever the case, the main thing is I need to...”

  “Yeah, yeah, go on a suicide mission to kill the big scary guy whose head you gave me as a present. I got all that. Let’s get back to this whole anomaly thing.”

  I’d been prepared to use the stick to get Dave’s help, but now it seemed I had a big fat carrot dangling in front of him too.

  “Here’s the deal. I need to know if you’ve come up with something ... anything at all that could help me with this fucker. Hell, even if it just gives me a smidgeon more than I have now.”

  He hesitated for a moment. “Maybe.”

  “And in return for coming along with me to kill...”

  “Wait, you want me to come with you?”

  “This isn’t a field trip to the blood bank. We’re leaving ASAP. You want some new toys to play with, you come with me and you stay with me. No more of this running off shit. You’re still uncovened as far as vampire rules go. They aren’t going to tolerate that shit. You do this for me, though, and I’ll make sure you guys are square with the authorities once this bullshit is all settled.”

  “And?”

  Fucking Dave. “And I will put in a good word with both my friends so maybe they’ll provide you with a few tissue samples.”

  “I might need more than a few.”

  “As a freebie, I’ll also give you ample warning that sticking a needle into either of them without proper precautions will most likely end with you as a smoldering pile of dust.”

  He blinked confusedly, seemingly unsure whether I was joking or not. Finally, when he saw that I wasn’t laughing, he shrugged. “Fair enough. Deal.”

  “Good. So do you have anything for me?”

  “Not much, but I have a few theories I’m working on.”

  “I’m listening.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Dave was right – he didn’t have much. In fact, most of it sounded like Greek bullshit to me. But I had to trust him. Hell, anything at all was better than what I currently had.

  I told him to get ready to hit the road as well as grab whatever he thought he needed.

  “If we’re being honest, I need my entire lab.”

  I looked around at the space – smaller than my bedroom in actuality. “So bring it. Need I remind you that you don’t really have to worry about encumbrance these days? Besides, you’ve got three minions out there to help you pack up if need be.”

  “I’m not sure they’re gonna be all too happy about me leaving. They’re having way too much fun with this shit.”

  “I can see that. What the fuck were you thinking?”

  “I told you...”

  “Yeah, yeah, the coven bullshit. You had to know that wouldn’t work.”

  “Well, I thought it had a shot.”

  I tapped my foot in annoyance, waiting for him to come up with something better.

  “And honestly, I thought I was saving their lives.”

  “What? How? By killing them?”

  “Ha
ve you looked at what’s going on out there, Bill? The world is going nuts. Even with the extra stamina I seem to have gained from this condition, the hospital is still running me ragged on my shifts.”

  “Let me guess, you switched to nights?”

  “Duh! They were happy to have me too. Used to be the late shift was dead, except maybe on the weekends. Now it’s their rush hour.”

  I didn’t doubt that for a second. “Fine, but how does that translate to turning everyone out there into the monster squad?”

  “Seriously? Look at them. I got a taste of what was going on when we were trying to escape from that tattooed nutcase. I’m like you now, and I still almost shit myself. But those guys?” He waved toward the door leading back to his living room. “They wouldn’t have lasted ten seconds. They’re armchair heroes.”

  “Knights of the dinner table?” I offered with a smirk.

  “Pretty much. But now, sure, they’re causing some chaos...”

  “Some?”

  “Maybe a bit more than that,” he conceded dismissively. “But really, can you honestly tell me you would rather them be the appetizers instead of the diners?”

  What a fucking asshole. He had me over a barrel with that argument and knew it. Maybe I wasn’t all that close with them, but hell, I’d known Adam since freshman orientation at NJIT.

  Mind you, tearing their fucking throats out and turning them into monsters wouldn’t have been my first choice when it came to saving them, but at least Dave’s heart was in the right place.

  “Besides,” he added, “I got some awesome data from watching them turn. So much more useful than those mice I infected.”

  And by right place, I of course meant he was still an asshole.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Dave proceeded to start bundling up his supplies. That just left the rest of the group to deal with. I could have compelled them to be obedient henchmen, but that didn’t feel right. Despite trying to act more the hero, there were still some lines of behavior I didn’t care to cross lest they lead to me turning into a total twat.

  There was also the little problem of how long such a compulsion would last. Sure, I could order them to stop eating delivery boys, but what happened then? They’d either starve or it would wear off and they’d go right back to being the scourge of guys just trying to earn a buck in this fucked-up world.

  There was also the problem of them all being uncovened, despite Dave’s bullshit proclamations. In short, there was only one solution – they needed to come with us too.

  But what if they didn’t want to? I could force them, but I had a feeling that would bite me in the ass as surely as any of Vehron’s minions.

  I stepped out of the lab, the question still on my mind, when I caught sight of them again. They were seated around the gaming table, two pizzas sitting open in front of them, and no corpses in sight – thank goodness.

  “I see dinner arrived,” I said idly.

  “Yeah,” Mike replied, taking a bite and then tossing the rest back onto a paper plate. “But it’s not the same. The blood...”

  “I know all about the blood,” I interrupted. Vampires could eat regular food, but it lacked the luster it had when we’d been alive. It went in one end and came out the other, with no real benefit to us save the minor joy of how it tasted.

  At least I knew one human would make it home tonight because of my actions ... assuming something else didn’t eat him before that happened. Oh well, not my circus, not my monkey. “Just pretend the tomato sauce is blood and...”

  Hold on. Pretend! That was it! That was how I was going to get them to play ball with me – using the same concept that had brought us back to this apartment week after week.

  “You okay, Bill?” Adam asked.

  “Dave probably told him what happened to his character,” Carl replied. “The shock is finally catching up.”

  “It’s not that,” I said. “I don’t care about what happened to Kelvin.” The fuck? “Well, I do care. Just not right now.”

  “Not even about the demon orgy where they passed your corpse around for six days straight?”

  “What?!” Oh, Dave was so gonna fucking get it when this was all over and done with. “Let’s not worry about that for the moment. You can bring me up to speed on the way.”

  “What do you mean, on the way?” Adam asked between bites.

  “You’re all coming with me. Dave too.”

  “Why are we...”

  “Because look at you. You fuckers are wasting your time here. You’re a coven of vampires, top dogs amongst the undead – outside of liches maybe.”

  “Don’t forget demi-liches,” Carl added.

  “Fuck them. They’re just dumb fucking skulls with magic powers. Trust me. I know one, and he’s an asshole.”

  “Really? You know a...”

  Not wanting to get distracted again, especially not by the topic of Harry Decker, I kept talking over him. “Bottom line is you ... we are too good for this shit. Who gives a fuck about some zero level delivery ... err ... merchants, I guess? We should be out there fucking up kingdoms and claiming them as our own.”

  Whereas before the pizza had held their thrall, now their attention was fully on me. Holy fuck, this might actually have a shot at working. I had no idea where to go with it, but I’d figure that out later.

  “So what are you suggesting?” Adam asked.

  “A real life Ravenloft – an adventure that puts every LARP ever played to shame.” A few dubious eyebrows were raised, but I continued. “I shit you not. I’m talking real monsters. The type that would make your balls shrivel up. There’s magic too.”

  “We talking weapons? Like vorpal blades?”

  “Um ... maybe. We’ll see.”

  “The stakes?”

  I inwardly groaned at the vampire pun, but went on. “The world itself. We lose and everyone loses. We win, though, and we will be fucking epic.”

  Hunkering Down

  If there was a final carrot that convinced my friends to come along, it was the fact that we still had electricity at my place – courtesy of some witches friendly to our cause. Never discount a geek’s need to charge his electronics.

  Unfortunately, by the time I was finished with my tale of grand adventure, it was getting dangerously close to sunrise. There was no way we’d be able to make it back before it was bright and, judging by the clear sky, sunny out. That wouldn’t have necessarily been the end of us. I mean, it’s not like I hadn’t had several forays out during the daylight hours and survived mostly unscathed.

  Sadly, though, unlike me, most vampires weren’t acclimated to daytime hours. I guess I was one of the lone fools who had tried to carry on with my normal life postmortem, including a 9-5 job. Hell, Carl was already snoozing by the time I stepped away from the window where I’d been watching the sky lighten.

  I shot Ed a text that I was delayed and would be home later. I was sure they’d be pretty pissed by my unscheduled foray into Jersey. There was no point in making it worse for myself by maintaining radio silence.

  I wasn’t really worried about my roommates – they were easily ignored – but any of our three female neighbors were perfectly capable of giving me a good tongue lashing. Well, maybe not Sally, considering I was all but a stranger to her at the moment.

  As my friends settled down for the day, I reflected upon that part. Sally’s current memories of me and my friends was minimal at best – a few bits and pieces she’d managed to recover herself along with some scattered remembrances that Christy had been able to uncover. It wasn’t much, but it seemed to be enough to prove to her that we weren’t full of shit ... most of us anyway. Tom was really gonna get decked when she remembered everything.

  She’s a danger to them, but you’re too stupid to even consider that.

  Fuck! I hated when my subconscious pointed out something I really didn’t want to dwell upon. At least, I hoped it was my subconscious. I truly wasn’t
sure. I’d been feeling stirrings in my head lately that suggested maybe Dr. Death was waking back up again – violent, sexually aggressive, or overly morose thoughts that seemed to pop into my mind from out of nowhere. It was possible the events of the recent past were just getting to me, but somehow, I didn’t think that was the case.

  That made my course of action with Christy more imperative than ever. I needed to find a way to chain up Dr. Death for good before he was back with a vengeance.

  That was the fear I really didn’t want to dwell upon. If that monster woke up, I could find myself once again occupying my mental apartment – blissfully unaware of the real world around me as he slaughtered everything he could get his claws on.

  Yeah, thinking about Sally was far less disturbing. Well, maybe not really. That thought of her being dangerous might be worth listening to. She was a killer. I wasn’t about to fool myself into thinking otherwise. She’d been a killer before she met me and, despite mellowing out a bit, still didn’t have any problems with taking lives if the need arose. The Sally who was with my friends now was a bizarre mix of the past and present. I had no idea how she’d react if pushed the wrong way. Well, okay, it would probably be with snarky violence, but the real question was, how far would that violence go?

  We’d only been living under the same roof for a few days and she hadn’t given me cause to worry about anything other than her sense of self-entitlement, but then again, she was smart. More than smart enough to realize the capabilities the rest of us brought to the table, with maybe the exception of Tom.

  This was maddening. I wasn’t Batman; I wasn’t used to distrusting the other members of my personal Justice League and forming contingencies just in case. Although, maybe the new me – the one trying to keep his head out of the sand of blissful ignorance – needed to.

  Ugh! This line of thinking was giving me a headache – not helped by the loud snores that had begun to permeate the quiet of the room. Whoever coined the phrase “sleeping like the dead” was full of shit.

  I grabbed a pillow from Dave’s couch and threw it at Mike, who snorted once and then turned over – ending the worst of it for the time being.