The Tome of Bill Series: Books 5-8 (Goddamned Freaky Monsters, Half A Prayer, The Wicked Dead, The Last Coven)

by Rick Gualtieri

  Ugh, that was gonna get old real quick. Not quite as bad as Gan calling me “beloved,” but definitely annoying.

  “My people are dead, hunted to extinction by your so-called First Coven. Do you think the Macedonian would show mercy to me? Would he allow me to live in peace and sing the praises of the true First?”

  “Ib?”

  “Many names have been claimed by our progenitor. That is but one of them.”

  “Seems to be a lot of that going on.”

  “The Macedonian fears our ways. He always has. Sadly, we were fools. None of us suspected his ambitions. By the time we did, it was too late.”

  “You talking about your fellow cultists?”

  “I speak of them, yes, but I also speak of us, brother, our kind.”

  “Freewills.”

  “Yes, the Night Spawn. Once, we were legion. Now we are but two.”

  “And a whole bunch of heads overlooking Alex’s private bath.”

  He smiled as if sharing some secret with me. If I was hoping for enlightenment, though, it was not to be. “Yes, all that remains of a once great people. For now.”

  “Whatever. Anyway, they told me about your cult. Said that you were all a bunch of fucking psychos.” Oh yeah. Once again, I proved to the universe why I wasn’t cut out for hostage negotiations.

  “I follow a different path from the Macedonian. Is that so great a crime?”

  Considering what a dick-nugget Alex was, there was something to be said about his words, but then I remembered what happened when last I’d been up here. “You killed Starlight.”

  “Starlight?”

  “My friend.”

  “She was yours?”

  “Yes ... no. She was in my coven.”

  “I know not this name. I only know that all who come before me are given the choice. All choose their path.”

  “And if it’s not the path you like, they get dusted.”

  For a moment, his calm demeanor fell away and raw, naked annoyance showed on his face. Of course, it might have been the fact that the blisters on his arms were now becoming full-on third-degree burns. Ouch. What the hell was up with this guy? At this rate, maybe if I kept him talking he’d eventually incinerate. That would be awfully convenient.

  “Tell me, brother, do you enjoy life under his reign?”

  “Enough of this crap. My name is Bill. I’m an only child, so I sure as shit ain’t your brother.”

  “I call you brother because that is what you are. You are both a brother in darkness and one who is able to resist the call.”

  “The call?”

  “The will of others.”

  “Oh, compulsion.”

  “The word itself is meaningless.” He waved his hand dismissively, the skin on it starting to look mighty crispy. “What I speak of is the brotherhood I feel for all who walk the path. Tell me, Bill, does the Macedonian consider you a brother?”

  “Heh. I’m more like a punching bag mated with a scapegoat.”

  He looked confused. I guess he’d just recently passed English 101 and hadn’t had time to catch up with the colloquialisms. “I will take that as a no. What of the rest, his so-called First Coven?”

  “Well, he calls them brothers and sisters, but I’m not entirely convinced he means it.”

  “I meant, how do they treat you?”

  They mostly treated me like a pile of dogshit on the sidewalk, but that didn’t mean I cared to let this guy play Dr. Phil with me. “James treats me well.”

  He raised an eyebrow.

  “The Wanderer. The one whose arm you tore off.”

  “I know of whom you speak. I have learned much since being freed.”

  That didn’t sound good. It meant that Calibra had most likely been compromised. If so, I’d need to keep Gan on a short leash around her.

  “Very well. That is one,” he continued. “Once the time comes, he will be given the choice as well – in deference to the favor he shows you. As for the rest...”

  “Let me guess – heads in jars?”

  “And give them a chance to be freed as I was? No. I will not make the same mistake the Macedonian made.”

  Yeah, that sounded far more practical than what I suggested.

  “I can sense the uncertainty in you.”

  “Beats sensing the dark side, Palpatine.”

  I was certain he had no fucking idea what I was talking about, but he continued as if I hadn’t interrupted. “They called us chaotic, dangerous. The truth was, we were not beholden to their rules. They could not control us, so they hunted us down. I seek to return the old ways. I seek to free us from our servitude. I wish for us to roam free, to do as we please, to blanket this world with our seed and let it sprout.”

  “Saw that movie last week. Gave it three stars. Not enough tits.” I realized I was rambling, going off on tangents with a nutcase. That wasn’t going to help things. I also sensed a zero percent chance of convincing him to change his mind. The problem here was, one wrong word from me and he could snap me in half, shit in my torso, and then sew me back together without any real effort. I needed to use a little strategy. “Say I believe you. What then?”

  “Then you will come with me. I will show you the future.”

  “And we’ll rule the empire together as father and son?”

  “No. Our kind shall only bow to the true First. But it will take time. There is need for us to lead for now, until our influence is wide, but then no more. Then we shall all be truly free. Does that not sound ideal to you?”

  “Peachy. And if I say no?”

  “Then you will still come with me.”

  There was the kicker. I knew it was coming. It was like being asked if I wanted what was behind door number one or number two, only there was only one to choose from.

  “My friends?”

  “I do not wish to fight you, brother, so I shall offer you another choice.”

  “Oh?”

  “You and the other I seek will come with me. If you do this, I will let your friends leave in peace.”

  “The other?”

  “The pure one.”

  I knew it! The Jahabich had called Ed that too. Personally, I didn’t get it. What the fuck was so pure about him? It sure as shit wasn’t his language, his thoughts, or even the way he left his room most days. “You mean the one you were trying to kill? The one you called ... what was that word, oh yes – abominatio? I believe that means abomination, does it not?”

  He nodded, a solemn look upon his face. “That was unfortunate on my part. I did not realize what he was then.”

  “So what is he?”

  “The future. Our future.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  That was a wee bit ominous, but at the same time, didn’t really make any fucking sense. Ed had some weirdness in him, that much was obvious, but as far as I knew, there was only one person here with a prophecy hanging over their head – unless maybe this was some weird-ass fan theory bullshit in which Neville was actually the chosen one instead of Harry.

  “What if we won’t come with you?” I asked.

  “Then you will still come with me and your friends will be given the choice.”

  “You can’t have Ed ... the pure one.”

  “You think yourself his protector?”

  “Yes, and I also think myself his roommate. He isn’t getting out of his share of the rent that easily.”

  He appeared to consider this for a moment. “Face me, then.”

  “What?”

  “Out here, now.” Vehron raised his arms, now charred and blackened under the blistering gaze of the sun. He looked at me and smiled. Just as he did, his hair caught ablaze. Dude was seriously fucked in the head. “Face me, show me you have the mettle of our brothers in your veins. If you do, I will let your friends go.”

  “All of my friends?”

  “All of them. I give you my word upon the blood of Kala.”

 
Wait, blood of Kala? Wasn’t that...?

  “Die!”

  I spun to find Christy a few steps behind me. I’d been so caught up in Mr. Crazy’s loony rants that I hadn’t been paying attention to much else. Alas, I’d never been a particularly good multitasker. Her presence itself wasn’t the issue, although what she’d just shouted was a wee bit worrisome. Oh, and the fact that she was glowing bright red was definitely a minor cause for alarm.

  “Christy, don’t...”

  Yeah, that worked about as well as expected.

  I’m not sure what would have happened next otherwise. Facing Vehron out in the open sunlight was pretty much a death sentence, but if it would have saved my friends, it was definitely worth considering. Of course, I’d seen enough movies to know that the bad guy’s word was typically worth a steaming pile of horseshit. All he needed to do was watch me vaporize and then waltz in and say, “Fooled you!”

  However, that was all meaningless conjecture now as a bolt of red-hot death magic lanced out from Christy’s outstretched arms and...

  ...and created a smoldering crater where Vehron had been standing just a second earlier.

  Shouting out your intended attack might be cool as all hell on Dragonball Z, but doing so in real life was just plain old dumb – not that I was going to tell that to the hormonal witch with murderous intent.

  Besides, I had bigger fish to fry, such as the musclebound weirdo who was now standing about a foot away, looking down upon me with a grin on his face as if this was how he wanted things to play out all along.

  “So be it,” he said.

  And with those three words, I knew we were royally fucked.

  One Shall Fall

  I’ll give myself credit, mostly because almost nobody else ever does, but at least I didn’t hesitate to act.

  No one-liners, no snappy puns. Hell, no shitting my pants either. That last one was a definite plus in my favor. Nope, all I did was raise my knee into his crotch in the cheapest of cheap shots.

  It worked about as well as it did last time I tried it.

  Removed from direct sunlight, Vehron’s burns healed right before my eyes. I had to assume the damage dealt by my blow, more than enough to have cracked a two-by-four in half, was being handled in a likewise manner. He barely winced from the shot. Instead, he actually smiled.

  “You are not entirely ignorant of the paths to victory, brother. Perhaps there is hope for you yet. But for now ... TAKE THEM!!”

  I was just about to question whether Vehron was talking to himself in third person when the ground around us started to rumble.

  Was this the most convenient earthquake in the history of the planet? Somehow, I didn’t think so. The trees and houses beyond the forest didn’t show any signs of getting all shaken to shit.

  I heard a sound off to my left and turned to find that Christy, still alight with pissed off mage fire, had fallen to her butt. Maybe that was for the best, as I wasn’t entirely sure she’d have hesitated to blast me if it meant sending Vehron to that big dustpan in the sky. I also wasn’t sure if his mention of the White Mother’s name was coincidence or not. Hell, for all I knew, it was as common as Joe back in the day, but I had a feeling it wasn’t. The bigger question was why was he invoking her name at all?

  Alas, such speculation needed to wait. The rumbling grew worse, to the point where I needed to grab hold of something – preferably not Vehron – to keep from teetering over. All at once, I heard a tremendous crash and spun to see a copse of trees collapse in on themselves, quite literally disappearing into the ground. The resulting sinkhole took one of Gan’s men – a look of dopey peace still on his face – with it.

  Oh crap. Not now.

  To which fate pretty much replied, “Of course now, stupid!”

  A rocky head appeared out of the hole a few moments later, its orange lantern eyes glowing malevolently in the shade provided by the forest. And it wasn’t alone, not by a long shot.

  Seems that the ambush during our trial, in which Ib’s name was invoked, hadn’t been some sort of ruse to misplace blame after all. The Jahabich were somehow working with – or for; it wasn’t quite clear yet – Vehron. Talk about being double, triple, and probably even quadruple fucked.

  I’d known there was a chance of this happening, but hoped it wouldn’t. Sadly, hope is the last holdout of the truly screwed.

  If that didn’t describe us right then and there, I didn’t know what would.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  The Jahabich swarmed out of the ground, over a dozen strong. Outside of Ed, Christy, and Tom, the rest of the group – Gan included – looked like they were a bunch of stoned hippies waiting for Hendrix to perform at Woodstock. Shit! They didn’t stand a chance.

  Unfortunately, that left me in quite the pickle. Stay and try to hold off Vehron, or go fight the Jahabich? Neither seemed a winning gambit. Hell, between the two sides, they could make one heck of an asshole sandwich, with me as the meat.

  “Go, brother,” Vehron said. “I will not interfere.” I turned to find the grin wider than ever on his face. Fucking dick-weasel. “Should you win, I will consider reinstating my offer.”

  “You’re too kind.”

  Apparently, he hadn’t reached the part in his English lessons covering sarcasm, because he replied, “In my day, I was known to be quite merciful. Behold, as I shall give you even greater quarter to impress me.”

  What was he...?

  I heard a screech behind me back in our camp. No, more of a battle cry. I spun to find Gan back on her feet, having just delivered a spin kick that nearly decapitated a Jahabich who’d been advancing upon her position. It wasn’t just her either. All around, vampires got back to their feet and retrieved their weapons. Vehron had released them all from his compulsion.

  What was his game? Was this little more than amusement to him?

  Well, okay, that probably was the case. Hell, when you’re Caesar, what better fun than to watch the gladiators battle it out for your entertainment while you sipped wine and placed bets?

  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Christy waddling back to her feet. Fuck it. I didn’t see much choice in playing along for now. We might still find our way out of this, but it wasn’t going to happen if she kept kicking the hornet’s nest.

  I gave Vehron the stink eye, then turned and stepped away from him. For a moment, I was certain it was all a ploy and the next – and last – sensation I’d feel would be his fist punching though the back of my skull. However, that didn’t happen – thank whatever gods there are. Good thing too, because it would have sucked royally.

  “Come on,” I said, grabbing hold of Christy’s arm and steering her back toward our friends.

  “Did you hear him?” she asked angrily. “Did you hear him swear upon her name?” Tears were now streaming down her face. “He...”

  “He’s going to kill us all if you take another potshot at him, that is, if his friends don’t kill us first.” I pointed toward where our group was engaging the Jahabich.

  Sally saw me as she dodged a blow from one. “Any time now, jackass.”

  “Be there in a minute,” I called back. Jeez, impatient little minx, wasn’t she? I turned back to Christy. “He said he’d let my friends go if we win.”

  “You can’t trust him.”

  “I know, but maybe this will buy us some time. Give us a chance to – you know, apparate.” I was counting on the fact that Vehron’s current lexicon didn’t include Harry Potter terminology. Christy’s eyes narrowed at my use of the term, but thankfully, she was more than smart enough to get the hint. She didn’t bother to correct me this time.

  So instead, together, we turned to meet our fate.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Decisions, decisions. There were so many potential enemies to go after. Ah, yes. Thankfully, Tom and Ed were around to make this much easier, being that they were both, more or less, tits on a bull in a fight against these rock monsters.

&n
bsp; Tom might have been decked out in the latest in zealot-wear, but we’d both seen Sheila fight against these things and knew that faith magic wasn’t particularly effective on them. As for Ed, despite whatever François might have ranted during his last few minutes, as far as I could tell, his main power in a fight was still to bleed all over his enemies.

  Sadly, it looked like that was definitely an option as one of the Jahabich got past Sally and charged him.

  “I don’t have a clear shot,” Christy said.

  “No worries, I got this,” I shouted back, already halfway there.

  I raced past my friends and shoulder-tackled the beast, nearly breaking my arm in the process. Fuck me! It was like fighting a pile of granite. Nevertheless, vampire strength is nothing if not formidable. I managed to knock the creature off its trajectory. It stumbled to the side, where two of Gan’s soldiers took over. With their advantage in age over me, they were able to rend the creature in two – the strange orange goop that made up its blood spraying out in an arc.

  That gave Christy the opening she needed. Rather than shoot red death into an already confused battlefield, she muttered something unintelligible in the chaos, made a few gestures, and a shimmering purple dome of energy appeared around my roommates.

  She advanced on our position and told them, “Stay inside; it’ll protect you.”

  “Maybe you should get in there too,” I said. Hell, she already looked winded from the effort. Surely she was putting more strain on herself than her body needed right now.

  “No chance,” she replied.

  “Listen, babe,” Tom said from inside, “Bill has a point. Maybe you should...” She turned and glared at him, to which he put up his hands and added, “Or, I could just hang out in here with Ed. All’s good.”

  Poor guy. Forget cats or ravens. I had a feeling he was in for a lifetime of being little more than her familiar. Oh well. I’m sure there were worse fates ... like getting our heads caved in by rock monsters.

  Speaking of which, I needed to make sure that didn’t happen. Another of the creatures stepped in, and I raised my hands just in time to hold it off. Though my hands were torn to shreds as I wrestled with it, it sure beat the alternative.