The Tome of Bill Series: Books 5-8 (Goddamned Freaky Monsters, Half A Prayer, The Wicked Dead, The Last Coven)

by Rick Gualtieri

  Vehron pulled back for a moment and then slammed me into the Jahabich again, twice as hard. My glasses shattered, and everything turned first blood red and then black as the shards ground into my eyes.

  I can make this stop. I can hurt him back.

  Sadly, the part of my brain that was still mine was in no position to do anything other than scream in agony. Vehron began to grind me against the rock monster’s hide as if my face were a hunk of cheese in need of grating.

  I braced myself against the Jahabich, trying to push off, but only succeeded in shredding my hands – further adding to my torment

  To even begin to describe what it felt like is to give words to something which can’t be described in any sane way. I never thought that I would beg for death, but then I never thought I would ever experience my face being sanded off. In that moment, I wanted nothing more than the sweet release of oblivion.

  Sadly, that wasn’t to be. As horrific as my wounds were, I didn’t think them fatal – at least for a vampire. They’d probably heal completely within minutes at most with the blood-boost I’d gotten.

  But therein lay a new horror. That meant he could do it over and over again, as many times until he got bored. Worse, soon my power would wane as the blood wore off. As I grew weaker, so would my suffering increase, as it would take hours, maybe more, for the damage to sort itself out. I had no idea what Vehron went through, losing his body for over a thousand years, but I couldn’t fathom this torture lasting even an hour.

  Give yourself to me and end this now.

  I wanted to end it all right, but not his way. I wanted to die. I didn’t want my friends to see me like this, broken and pathetic. I didn’t want to hear them as they realized I’d let them down. I didn’t want to live with the knowledge that they were next.

  Most of all, though, I wanted it to stop hurting.

  Sting Like a Bee

  I was right. Between Gan and the other vamps I’d bitten, my wounds healed at a pace that would have made Wolverine proud. That didn’t really make it pleasant, mind you. The sensation of my eyeballs reforming was not something I cared to experience again.

  Nevertheless, I could have cried with joy once I realized I could see again. Sadly, most of the room was now a blur around me with the only thing in focus being the one person I really didn’t want to see.

  The look on Vehron’s face was pure evil itself – a mix of crazed triumph, disgust, and anger. Pity that Gan hadn’t set her sights on him. They might have made a cute couple.

  “What’s going on out there? Are you kicking his ass yet?”

  My roommate’s tiny voice caused Vehron to laugh. I guess from his perspective, it probably was kind of funny. Hell, having gotten a taste of his strength, I actually found the whole prospect pretty goddamned hilarious too. I’d have joined him in a good chuckle, but my jawline was still knitting itself back together.

  “All those who come before Ib are given the choice,” Vehron said, holding me by the collar of my coat so as to keep me upright. “You have made yours, brother.”

  He lifted a hand, claws extended, and placed it against my chest. Slowly, he applied pressure. The tips of his talons, sharper than any dagger, began to sink into me. Red-hot pain lanced through my body as they parted skin and began to work their way into muscle.

  “Save some of that asshole for me, Bill!” Tom said from his fur-lined prison near my hip.

  This time, I did laugh. I couldn’t help it. As much as I hurt, the thought of smacking Vehron around with a plastic toy was too good to let go of in these last few moments.

  My mirth wasn’t shared. Vehron twisted his hand ever so slightly, shutting me the fuck up. “The love of Ib is such that even those who fail her are still allowed to serve. You will learn to accept this fate.”

  Oh crap. I was gonna end up like Starlight. Dusted, then thrown into a pit of orange spooge – my will subverted for the greater good. Welcome to the Borg, resistance is still futile.

  “Your friends will also be given the choice,” he continued. “No matter their answer, though, they too have already made their decision.”

  Thoughts of Sally, Christy, and Ed floated through my mind.

  Now, before it’s too late.

  Then I saw Sheila’s face. I had no idea where she was or what had happened to her, but I had faith she’d make her way here eventually. It was her destiny. Vehron was the Freewill of legend, after all.

  My body shuddered in pain as his claws began to saw through my sternum. I could only pray he didn’t use me and my friends against her when the time came, but I knew that was a fool’s hope.

  He would use every advantage he had. As powerful as she was, it would be too much. The last defender of humanity would fall and, with her, all hope for any future that wasn’t a living Hell.

  It need not end like this!

  “C’mon, man. Throw me a bone. I want to see what’s going on out there.”

  The warring voices of Dr. Death and my roommate both competed for my attention. Too bad for them, Vehron’s claws were nearing my heart. That was a hard argument to ignore.

  As I accepted my death, I turned my thoughts inward. I envisioned the bedroom threesome that I’d accidentally shown Christy, figuring my last thoughts could at least be pleasant ones.

  Something went wrong, though. Maybe the pain was too great or my failure too complete, but even that glimmer of happiness was denied me. When I mentally pulled back the covers of the massive bed, all I found waiting for me was Gan. Oh, for Christ’s sake!

  She popped up, wearing her furry armor, and admonished me for trying to escape my fate. Somewhere in my head, Dr. Death laughed, and I knew it was him fucking with me.

  Stop this foolishness and accept what you must do.

  I mentally stared at Gan’s image for another second as a thought hit me. I realized that maybe Dr. Death’s words had merit – just not quite how he intended.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  As Vehron’s hand worked to end me, mine worked its way up and into my pocket. I immediately felt the plastic form Tom inhabited. I tried pulling him out, but he was caught on something.

  Fuck, it’s always shit like that when you least need it.

  I finally yanked him free, just as I opened my mouth and coughed out a wad of blood. I could feel Vehron’s hand inside my body and knew he was seconds away from squeezing the life out of me. Hell, he could have done it already, but the fucker was teasing it out – making sure my final moments hurt.

  It was time to repay the favor.

  I spat up more blood, but this time, made it a point to hock it right in the fucker’s face. He closed his eyes against the spray, giving me the opening I needed.

  Now, I’m not stupid. I know full well that jabbing a nearly indestructible super-warrior with a plastic toy was a laughable tactic at best.

  Unless you rammed that toy’s outstretched arm right into his eye-socket.

  You can probably see where this was going, but sadly, Vehron didn’t – at least not until he opened his eyes again, at which point it was too late.

  I slammed Tom home, driving him as deep as I could while at the same time pushing off with my free hand. As hoped, a hunk of cheap plastic to the optic nerve was enough distraction for him to release me.

  Vehron’s claws slipped out of me and although I was grievously wounded, with the mother of all sucking chest wounds, I could already feel a millennium’s worth of healing powers kicking in to take care of it.

  “Oh yeah!” Tom screamed in triumph. “I got your cornea in my motherfucking kung-fu grip, bitch!”

  It didn’t take Vehron more than a second or two to rip the doll from his head and drop it to the floor where it landed with a splash. That’s all I needed, though. I sidestepped the big ape, ripped off the coat I was wearing, and threw it over his head – holding on for dear life as he struggled.

  I turned my head and squinted, praying that Christy was awake again, b
ut no dice. The poor girl had given everything she had to give. I’d been hoping for one last fireball from her, but it was not to be. Fuck!

  Sadly, with the sprinklers going full blast, all the fires from the first series of explosions were long since extinguished.

  “Anyone got a match?” I yelled out in vain.

  Shit! How the fuck did Gan’s people trigger themselves to go boom?

  Sadly, my time was running short. Vehron screamed with rage, his voice muffled by the fur-lined jacket over his face while I desperately searched for something on the inside lining – a trigger or...

  “Be careful, Bill!” Tom shouted. “There was some kind of button in the pocket with me. I think it was wired to something.”

  Bingo! “Thanks, buddy!”

  I leapt onto Vehron’s back, wrapping my legs around him. I’m sure to an observer we looked like we were shooting some bizarre fetish video, but the stakes were far higher.

  I pulled back on the coat wrapped around his head, using it sort of like reins on a horse. It wasn’t quite as elegant, but it shifted Vehron’s center of balance enough so we stumbled away from where Christy lay.

  That was good. I didn’t want to be anywhere near her as I clumsily fumbled for the pocket where Tom had spent the greater part of the past hour. Needless to say, it was a wee bit more difficult when the whole thing was tangled around an angry motherfucker’s noggin.

  Vehron’s hand closed over my right ankle and he squeezed, all pretense of playing gone. The bone shattered like glass and I cried out, wanting nothing better than to curl up in a corner and cry.

  But I had other plans. I finally managed to stuff my hand into the deep pocket where I began to root around for something vaguely button-like. Now my only concern was to figure out how to hobble away before...

  “I WILL KILL YOU!!”

  The compulsion hit me in the face like a bowling ball, almost knocking me loose. Goddamn it!

  “THEN I WILL KILL YOUR FRIENDS!!”

  Holy shit. It felt like my head was going to pop right off. François was right. Immune to control I might be, but enough high-powered compulsions could scramble my brain like an egg.

  I’m sure my vision doubled, but since my glasses were shot to shit, it really didn’t make much of a difference.

  “STARTING WITH THE MAGI!! I WILL CUT THE CHILD FROM HER BELLY AND FEAST UPON IT BEFORE HER DYING EYES!!”

  Blood burst from my nose as the compulsion slammed into my head. It was so powerful, the room itself shuddered and debris began to rain down from the high ceiling. I didn’t think I could stand another and remain conscious, but then his words registered with me and I realized what I needed to do.

  Escape was secondary to stopping him. A few short minutes ago, I had been ready to beg for death. Doing so was freeing in a way. When you wanted something so badly, it was hard to be afraid of it. That acceptance was still there, but in a different way. I had been prepared to die like a dog, but now I knew I had it in me to die like a man.

  What are you doing?

  “Living up to our name, my man! Dr. Death all the way!”

  Don’t do this. Give me control and we can finish this my way.

  “Not gonna happen, fuck-face. You’re not getting a shot at them either.”

  My hand closed around something hard and metallic. There! I had it.

  Vehron reached up and began to tear the fabric away.

  “DIE, FALSE NIGHT SPAWN!!”

  I don’t want to die!

  Both of them cried out at the same time, and it felt as if something ruptured in my head. My vision began to fade, but they were both too late.

  I pushed the button.

  Nooooooo!

  For a moment, it seemed as if nothing was going to happen, but then my world erupted in an explosion of light, sound, and fire that consumed me whole.

  The Cleanup Crew

  Being dead – really dead – was kinda weird. I mean, I never bought into the whole heaven concept – fluffy white clouds, harps, and shit like that. Hell, even if it existed, I doubted my pedigree would gain me entrance anyway.

  I figured being reincarnated as a cat could be cool, or maybe haunting a house would work, especially if it was a sorority house.

  No such luck, though. Instead, I found death to be rather uncomfortable. Cold, wet, and hard, like I was lying on a slab.

  Ugh. I hoped that wasn’t the case. But then, how could it be? Vamps turned to ash when they died, and I was pretty sure I wasn’t a pile of...

  My eyes popped open and I blinked as rain fell into them. No, not rain. It was still the motherfucking sprinkler system. Did nobody know where the goddamned shutoff valve was?

  Wait a second.

  I sat up and looked down at myself, noticing the horrific burnt tissue covering my now exposed upper body. But then, right before my eyes, my flesh began to mold itself back into shape – healing at an incredible rate.

  As my skin returned to its normal color, I realized something still wasn’t right. I’d never had abs before – at least none that I could see.

  I placed my hands on my rock hard stomach and was amazed to see the size of the talons attached to them.

  What the...?

  Movement caught my attention from the periphery of my vision and I turned to see ... what the fuck was that?!

  It was like something out of a nightmare - legs and a torso stumbling drunkenly about, but above chest level, there was nothing but charred skin, exposed bone, and grizzle. For a second, I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me, but then I realized everything I was seeing was in crystal clear focus, my lack of glasses be damned.

  I caught a glimpse of the ragged bottom of a tattoo – a black sun. It was Vehron, or what was left of him. As I watched this bizarre spectacle, his flesh and bone started to regrow. A cold pit of fear appeared in my stomach and began to spread. He was still able to regenerate?! But how?

  No fucking way. How the hell was I supposed to kill this…?

  And that’s when his body exploded in a shower of ash.

  For a second, I sat there, my eyes wide and staring – waiting for the other shoe to drop. Surely it was a joke. Maybe he somehow had the power to disintegrate at will and then reform. What a mind-fuck that would be.

  Nothing happened, though, save the dust rapidly settling to the floor where it mixed with the falling water to become a thick sludge – indistinguishable from the rest of the muck.

  Holy crap, I killed him. I actually killed him!

  Unable to help myself, I did the only sensible thing I could think of.

  I laughed.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  It took me a few moments to notice the sound escaping from my lips was much deeper than normal. Then realization hit – the abs, the claws, and now the manly voice. I’d somehow become Dr. Death again.

  Panic immediately gripped me and I scrambled to my feet, ready to bolt.

  Hold on. I’d meant to get to my feet. I looked down at my hands and willed the claws to retract. They did without hesitation, leaving large, but otherwise human-looking hands. I closed my fist, then opened it again. It obeyed, just like it normally did.

  “I’m still me.”

  “Yo, Bill, you still alive? I can’t see shit.”

  Tom’s voice was muffled, but I heard it clear as day. Hell, I could hear a lot of things – his voice, every drop of water as it hit the ground, Christy’s breathing ... hell, the respiration of every being in the room.

  It was almost too much to take in. Talk about sensory overload, and that wasn’t even counting the smells – oh God, even down to a little patch of mold off in one corner. I sensed it all.

  I forced myself to focus. There’d be plenty of time to play Name that Stench later. For now, I needed to find my friend.

  Thankfully, it didn’t take long. He was maybe twenty feet away, covered in grime and lying face down in a puddle.

  I picked him up and cl
eaned him off as best I could.

  “I did it, man. I killed that asshole,” I said.

  “Who the fuck are you?”

  “It’s me.”

  “Newsflash, cock-face, that doesn’t narrow it down since I have no idea who you are.”

  “It’s Bill, dipshit!”

  “Bill? No way.”

  “Yep. Somehow, I became ... well, my monster.”

  “Prove you’re him. What was I doing when...?”

  “Probably jerking off to hentai.”

  “Wow. Good guess. Damn, bro. You look ripped.”

  “Thanks. I work out.”

  “Liar.”

  “Fuck you, you dildo with...” I trailed off as I suddenly sensed movement from all around us. “Shit!”

  “What?”

  “Hold that thought.”

  Even without my newfound ocular acuity, it would have been hard to miss the glow of orange eyes as the Jahabich broke formation and turned to face me.

  “What happened?” a voice asked from beyond them.

  “Where is The Destroyer?”

  “Who is that?”

  “What did you do with the Sun Strider?”

  More voices began to speak – some questioning, but others starting to put two and two together. With Vehron dead, his compulsion had died with him. The whole room was waking back up.

  Ripped though they might be, at least I was still wearing pants this time. I stuffed Tom into my back pocket and turned to face the group.

  “Vehron is dead!” I shouted.

  “Dead?”

  “Impossible!”

  “Who will lead us now?”

  “Kill the murderer!”

  Huh? That wasn’t quite the response I had hoped for.

  I’d been betting on them maybe thanking me for freeing them or, at worst, just disbanding like Thulsa Doom’s followers after Conan gave him the last close shave of his life.

  Regardless, the Jahabich didn’t need the coaxing of an angry crowd. Almost as one, they started to march toward me.

  Seeing a living wall of angry rock advancing was a bit unnerving, even for someone who’d just stopped a guy who was all but unstoppable.