The Tome of Bill Series: Books 5-8 (Goddamned Freaky Monsters, Half A Prayer, The Wicked Dead, The Last Coven)

by Rick Gualtieri

  “I’m imagining J. Edgar Hoover in a dress, if that helps.”

  “Your words make no sense, little Night Spawn. Has fear so clouded your mind?”

  I saw his game. Apparently, we were supposed to list out our resume before fighting, like some sort of pregame pissing match. I guess it beat three episodes of powering up before a fight on Dragonball Z.

  “My name is Bill. They call me Dr. Death. I may not have sacked any cities, but I once managed to piss off an entire guild in World of Warcraft. Beat that, motherfucker.”

  A loud sigh escaped Christy’s lips from off to my right. Yeah, one of these days I really needed to learn to just keep my mouth shut.

  Movement out of the corner of my eye caught my attention, and I turned to see the Jahabich closing in. For a second, I thought Vehron’s idea of a fair fight would include me being buried under ten tons of rock monster, but to my surprise, they started to line up next to each other. Their soulless orange eyes cast an eerie glow through the water that continued to cascade down on us. Jeez, was nobody going to shut the damn fire extinguishers off?

  Just then, all of the Jahabich turned to face away from us. After a couple of seconds, I realized what they were doing. They were forming a living wall, similar to the cage Sally and I had been trapped in while deep underground. Except they weren’t just penning me and Christy in. They were forming a wide semicircle against the back wall with the three of us inside.

  This wasn’t a jail cell. They were forming an arena – a makeshift Thunderdome where there would be no outside interference and only one side would leave.

  “Are we supposed to wait for the bell to rin...”

  Before I could even finish the sentence, Vehron was on the move. He was frighteningly swift, crossing the distance between us faster than a person could blink.

  Much to my amazement, though, I saw him coming. He was still disturbingly quick, don’t get me wrong, but Gan’s speed allowed my reflexes to react before I consciously knew what I was doing. Vehron stopped his movement right in front of where I stood, just in time to place his face in the exact spot I’d aimed the uppercut.

  The dude’s jaw felt like it was made of titanium, but I had just enough firepower at my disposal to make a dent.

  His head snapped up and he backed away several steps.

  Christy, probably hoping for a quick kill, picked that moment to let loose with a beam of vampire-killing goodness.

  As quick as he’d been to charge me, though, he was even faster to sidestep her attack. The ray missed him by several inches and struck one of the Jahabich walling us in on the far side, fusing the creature into place and sending up another billow of steam.

  “Impressive, brother,” he said, rubbing his chin. “But I will not grant victory so easily.”

  “One can hope,” I replied.

  He held out his hands to his sides as if to say “come at me, bro.” I glanced at Christy and gave my head a single shake. She didn’t look so hot, and I’m sure standing in an indoor monsoon wasn’t helping. While I loved the idea of her turning him into a crispy critter, the only way it would work was if I managed to slow him down a bit. As it was, his age gave him speed and reflexes that made even Gan seem like a slowpoke.

  Yo, Dr. Death, I said in my head, don’t suppose we could work something out – just this once?

  My inner hell-beast responded with nothing but silence. Wonderful; he was a psychotic murderer, a rapist, and a petulant child all rolled into one. Oh well, it had been a long shot anyway.

  Fuck you, then, I’ll do it myself.

  I rushed forward, putting my own speed to use but holding back ever so slightly just in case I needed it. I thought I was gonna come up blank with regard to possible strategies, then remembered an old issue of The Hulk where Doc Samson had managed to knock the big ape out. It hadn’t been because he was more powerful. It had been through sheer tenacity – and a nonstop pummeling before the Hulk could recover.

  It was better than nothing.

  Vehron continued to stand there, unmoving. The guy was the epitome of an arrogant prick. I decided to make sure he paid for it.

  I threw a punch right at his smug face, missing as he tilted his head to the side at the last second. Another came at his gut. His hand was a blur of action, blocking me easily.

  A roundhouse punch ... nope.

  Another uppercut ... blocked.

  A straight jab to the nose ... missed.

  Fuck this shit!

  I threw another punch at him, but this one was a ruse to cover up a solid kick to the fuckhead’s shin.

  Score!

  I don’t care how tough you think you are, there are some places where all the muscle in the world doesn’t mean shit. Vehron howled in anger as my strike hit home.

  Sadly, it was about as far from being a fatal blow as one could get with a guy like this. The next thing I knew, I was eating a backhand to the face – hard enough to almost spin my head around.

  I landed on the wet floor with a splash and slid back, stunned.

  Even with the stolen healing at my disposal, it still felt like my jaw had been completely rearranged. Pity that I’d been fired from my previous job. Their dental plan had been pretty good. I had a feeling I might need it by the time this was over.

  I looked up and saw Vehron advancing, taking his sweet time. His posture said it all. I wasn’t a threat and he knew it.

  Fortunately for me, though, Christy didn’t. She let loose again, but this time changed tactics. A fast-moving target was way too difficult to hit. A stationary one, however, not so much. The floor, for example, was pretty darn hard to miss.

  Christy’s blast exploded at Vehron’s feet, forming a crater large enough that even he couldn’t sidestep it in time. He went down, showered by debris.

  The distraction was enough to allow me to get to my feet, grab a fist-sized rock, and chuck it at the fucker’s head at what I hoped would be terminal velocity.

  And miss, of course. Like I said, not a baseball prodigy. Guess there was a reason Dad didn’t play catch with me much as a kid.

  I glanced over at Christy and found her on one knee, her reserves no doubt rapidly draining. Before I could convey my concern, though, a sickly black glow surrounded her. I wondered what she was planning to throw at Vehron next, but he wasn’t the target.

  Either her head was scrambled or I’d done something else to piss her off, because this time, when she released her energy, it came screaming straight at me.

  Face Off

  I was certain the next sensation I’d feel would be that of my body melting into goo.

  With my speed, I could have avoided the blast, but Christy had caught me off guard. As it enveloped me, though, I was pleasantly surprised to find that all I felt was the barest of tingles. It was actually kinda pleasant in a Magic Fingers sort of way.

  Still, perhaps now wasn’t the time for a metaphysical handjob. I glanced back and saw her face strained as if in concentration. What was she...?

  “Where have you fled to, brother?”

  Huh? Vehron had managed to pick himself up, the cascade from above washing any debris from his muscular torso. Fucker looked like he belonged in a shampoo commercial. He stood not ten feet away, but instead of advancing to continue his beat-down, he was looking out past where the Jahabich stood guard.

  “Where did he go?” he asked nobody in particular.

  “None have passed,” the freaky voices of the Jahabich answered in unison.

  What the hell? Had the dipshit gone all Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal on me?

  Wait a second. Was it possible?

  I glanced back at Christy, and saw her body shaking with effort. That’s when it hit me. The spell she’d zapped me with was a glamour. She’d done it to herself when hiding from the Feet and now she’d covered me in one. Holy motherfucking hot dogs, I was invisible!

  That wasn’t all. I could see Vehron’s nostrils working –
no doubt trying to sniff me out. Whatever Christy was doing was blocking me entirely – sight, smell; hell even my movement in the downpour didn’t seem to attract his attention.

  Vehron raised his voice as he turned in a slow circle. “You have left your friend, little brother. The teachings of Ib dictate that we should not suffer lesser Magi to live.” He took a tentative step, a look of annoyance crossing his face. “Very well. The choice is made. She will ... ARGH!”

  I didn’t quite know how one did an “argh,” but I did know how to walk up behind someone and raise a boot up between their legs. Oh yeah! That felt good, especially since I finally had enough firepower behind me to make this asshole feel the pain. He doubled over, and I grabbed him from behind around the waist – kinda glad that nobody could see me to snap a picture.

  I then fell back, launching him over my body as hard as I could. The satisfying crunch that came a split second later was music to my ears.

  Even better was the blood. I’d tossed the asshole right into the back of one of the Jahabich. The rock-encrusted fuckhead hadn’t stood a chance in the collision, but at least it got to tear the shit out of my foe with its obsidian-laced skin before being smashed into rubble.

  Sadly, that small victory was short lived. Vehron’s freaky fast healing took care of the worst by the time I closed the distance between us. That was okay, though.

  There was a lot more where that came from.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  I could see how Kevin Bacon’s character could go all punch drunk with power in Hollow Man. Being able to attack, sight unseen, was pretty fucking awesome as far as powers went. However, it also paid to not be stupid. I wasn’t about to just stand there playing a life-sized game of Punch-Out with the asshole that time forgot.

  It was all hit and run – a constant game of moving and punching, trying not to become repetitive lest he figure out a pattern and shit-stomp me.

  And it was working too, especially after I brought my claws out. The beauty of the indoor flooding – and damn, the puddles were definitely starting to build up now – was any gore that landed on me from my attacks got washed away before he could draw a bead on me.

  We danced like that for a couple of minutes, but I was rapidly beginning to see that it was like spitting into the wind. I’d cut a furrow across his stomach and by the time I sidestepped to take a chunk out of his arm, he’d already begun to heal. Still, I persevered. He had to have a limit. There had to be a point where he’d lose enough blood where his body just couldn’t keep up.

  I’d find that point or die trying.

  Emphasis on that last part, sadly.

  I hit him hard, then leapt over him, only to land in one of the aforementioned puddles, making a big enough splash that even Christy’s glamour couldn’t completely cover it up.

  Unfortunately, that was the signal that player two was up. Vehron’s eyes flashed black in an instant – rage enveloping his face – as he lashed out. The blow was a glancing one – I’d been in enough scraps to know when to get out of Dodge as fast as possible, but it was at his full power and I just wasn’t fast enough.

  Holy Jesus! My left shoulder shattered as what felt like a fist-sized bus plowed into it. Any defensive posture I might have had was rendered moot as my arm became a useless bag of meat attached to my body.

  The only upside, and believe me, I perfectly understood the irony of calling it that, was the hit sent me flying head over heels. Up was down, and then back up again as the off-center strike sent me pinwheeling.

  I landed face down, a good fifteen feet away – leaving a trail on the grimy floor as I skidded along its slick surface. Hidden though I might be, it practically painted an arrow that said, “Here I am!”

  The scream of pain I let out as I rolled to my feet in a desperate bid to hide myself again didn’t help. Yeah, I’d definitely fumbled that dice roll.

  “You okay, Bill?” Tom’s tinny little voice asked from my pocket. “Getting kind of bumpy in here.”

  “Not now,” I sputtered, feeling my injuries begin to knit themselves back together. Bones shifted around back to where they belonged, a not altogether pleasant experience.

  “You need to watch out with the flipping around because I almost hit...”

  “Not now!” I snapped, slapping my palm against the flap of the pocket.

  I quickly sidestepped a few more times, trying my damnedest to avoid making too many splashes. Good timing too, because Vehron was right there, his eyes following the trail of muck, searching for any sign of me. But I was already elsewhere.

  Oh yeah, cocksucker.

  I felt just like Kelvin Lightblade this one time I rolled a natural twenty while trying to hide from a pack of angry wyverns. Fuckers couldn’t spot me for shit and I made it out with the treasure of... “URK!”

  Quick as lightning, Vehron spun and grabbed me by the throat. How the fuck had he known where I was? Was he able to read minds too?

  I glanced over toward Christy, hoping maybe she had enough juice left in her to knock muscle-boy for a loop. That’s when I realized exactly how Vehron had caught me so easily.

  Christy’s spell was no longer in effect. She’d finally reached her limit and passed out from the effort.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  By my estimates, I had over a thousand years’ worth of vampire blood coursing through my veins. Yet it still wasn’t enough to even budge him. I felt like a toddler trying to pull his hand out of his parent’s grasp on a trip to the toy store.

  “Enough,” Vehron said softly. “Accept your fate with dignity.”

  Oh yeah? Well, you know what? Fuck dignity.

  If it came down to it, I couldn’t have cared less if my final moments were spent screaming and crying. The phrase “take it like a man” wasn’t in my vocabulary ... sorta anyway. Needless to say, I chose to ignore his request – extending my claws so as to try to sever his tendons.

  *crack*

  An openhanded slap got my attention, ringing my bell real good. I swear, I felt like an average Joe trying to fight off the mighty Hercules, and that’s saying a lot, considering right at that moment I had enough strength in me to force even James to his knees.

  Are you ready to stop fighting me?

  “What?” I gurgled, it taking a moment to register that the question came from within my head.

  I can help you. I can even the odds.

  Dr. Death wanted to have a meaningful conversation now?!

  Vehron stared hard at me. “I said you will accept your fate with dignity.”

  He eased up ever so slightly on his grip, enough to let me speak.

  “Not you, stupid. How can you even the odds?”

  You know how.

  “We already tried that.”

  “Tried what?” Vehron asked, his head cocked slightly to the side. His voice took on a hard tone and he tightened his grip again. “Tried to befriend you? Tried to convey my brotherhood upon you?”

  Yes, Dr. Death replied, ignoring Vehron, but this time, you need to stop fighting. You need to let go of everything and give yourself wholly to me. You need to stop caring.

  Caring? About what? That was an odd request.

  Wait a second. Did that have something to do with how I broke free last time? I mean, according to Sally, I became me again when he crossed the line and decided to kill her.

  Make no mistake; I let you go.

  Oh, really? Somehow, I was finding myself doubting that.

  I simply grew bored with your whore, nothing more.

  His excuses reeked worse than Turd’s ass, and that was saying a lot. Yeah, well, fuck that shit. There was nothing that could be done to me to make me want to willingly give up control again.

  A moment later, Vehron decided to test that resolve as he raked his claws across my midsection, pretty much gutting me like a fish. Oh, so that’s what my intestines looked like. One more item to cross off my bucket list. And also ... OH GOD, IT HURT!

/>   He will make you drown in your own blood.

  I had a feeling that drowning was the least of my worries, although maybe the asshole in my head had a point about blood. Last time I’d had the pleasure of dining on Vehron, I’d ended up puking my guts out. I still wasn’t sure why. Maybe Freewills weren’t compatible with each other, or maybe it had been all the silver bullets in his body at the time. Either way, I’d gotten about a five-minute boost from him before I’d felt the need to upchuck everything. Still, a few minutes was better than nothing. Battles could be won in that time.

  Once the pain had subsided a bit, I slammed a fist down into the crook of the arm holding me. The blow didn’t cause him to release me, but it did bend his arm at the elbow, allowing me to push off with my legs and force myself in closer.

  Fangs extended, I bit into his shoulder.

  Or tried to.

  My teeth had barely scratched the surface of his skin when his free hand grabbed me by the hair and yanked me away.

  “You are not worthy of my blood,” he whispered into my face, slathering me in his death breath. Guess Firebird hadn’t exposed him to the modern miracle of mouthwash yet.

  Vehron shifted his grip from my throat to my lower jaw, squeezing until my mouth was forced open. I found my gag reflex tested as he shoved his other hand in. Ugh, the indignities I was forced to suffer. Oh well, at least he didn’t shove any other appendages into my mouth. Things could definitely be worse.

  Or not as he pulled back, ripping a handful of my teeth out with him.

  “You are not a true Night Spawn. You are barely a vampire. You have no need of these.”

  He held up a handful of bloody teeth, including at least one canine, and crushed them to dust before my eyes.

  Vehron wasn’t finished with me yet, though, not by a long shot. Apparently, I’d done pissed him off real good.

  Again grabbing a fistful of hair, he dragged me over to the wall of Jahabich and shoved me face first into one’s back. Imagine trying to French kiss a drawer full of steak knives. Yeah, well, it was a lot worse than that.

  He shoved me hard into the creature, shattering my nose in the process. I opened my mouth to scream, and my lips were shredded against the monster’s rocky hide.