The Tome of Bill Series: Books 5-8 (Goddamned Freaky Monsters, Half A Prayer, The Wicked Dead, The Last Coven)

by Rick Gualtieri

  “And what do you think he’ll say when I ask him to bite me?”

  “What?” We were back to that? “Considering the few times you’ve bitten him, I think he’ll be highly amused at a little payback.”

  “Maybe. I know the prospect frightens me a little, but I find it exciting, too.”

  “Your sex lives are your business.”

  “Not like that.” She waved a hand dismissively. “The thought of facing down Alex, Ib, hell, even James without being afraid that they’ll take over again. You really have no idea what that’s like.”

  “Wait, James?”

  “Don’t get me wrong. I’m not worried about him. He’s a friend. He’s always been a friend. He’s the one good thing that happened to me as a vampire...”

  “He’s a good...”

  “Before I met you.”

  “Oh.” And just like that, the anger that had nearly boiled over was gone. Talk about instantly disarming a booby trap.

  “But even so,” she continued, seemingly oblivious to the loop she’d just knocked me for, “there’s always been that shadow, even with the good ones. Knowing they could do that to me, it gives them power. Hell, even you can when you’re hopped up on blood.”

  “You know I’d never do that.”

  She waved me off. “Yeah, yeah, but it’s still there. That sense of inequality, of subservience, of knowing you’re only free due to the other person’s good graces. It sours you after a while. Turns you hard. Combined with the bloodlust, that nearly overpowering need to hunt and kill that’s been there ever since I woke up like this...”

  “Dressed like a prostitute?”

  She glared sourly at me. “As a vampire.”

  “I hope that’s not the only reason you’re helping me rescue him.”

  She stared back with a look that said her opinion of me was rapidly dropping several notches. “Don’t be stupid. You know I was on board long before the munchkin kicked in the front door.”

  “Sorry. Yeah, I know. And also, I’m sure you’re eager to save him. After all, you and he...”

  “You’re about as subtle as a rhino in a china shop.”

  “I thought it was a bull.”

  “You’re even worse.” She leaned back and took a deep breath. “I don’t know. He’s a nice guy, and I respect that he had the balls to ask me out even knowing what I am and what I could do to him. You don’t see that often.”

  “Desperation makes a man brave.”

  “You would know.”

  “Touché.”

  “But things kind of hit a brick wall. First, there was when you disappeared on your mad jaunt into crazy town. Then afterwards, when we learned his blood could make vamps go boom. Who knows, maybe I have a little ADD myself because I tend to get distracted easily.”

  The last of the anger gone, I sat down next to her.

  “Then there’s what happened between us after you killed Turd.”

  And I hopped right back to my feet again. “Um yeah. Still remember that, eh?”

  She tapped the side of her head. “One of the loopholes of compulsions. Unless you’re specifically told to forget, you don’t.”

  “That wasn’t me. Not exactly.”

  “I know that now. Didn’t know it at the time.”

  “Sort of ... complicates things a bit.”

  “Welcome to life, Bill. It tends to be that way. Apparently, it gets even worse after you’re dead.”

  “Tell me about it.”

  “I often don’t,” she said cryptically.

  “Huh?”

  “We’ve been joined at the ... well, fist mostly, since I ran into you on that subway car. Yet you really don’t know me at all.”

  “I think I do. And...” I stepped back, not wanting to catch the aforementioned fist to my face. “I’ve seen you open up more than you think you have. I know you and Starlight were friends. I know you and James have history. I know that when I met you, you’d have gutted most people sooner than talk to them, yet just a few months later had become a patron saint to the homeless back at Pandora.”

  She nodded thoughtfully.

  “I know you and Christy get along and that you’ve gone out of your way to protect her.”

  “Those are all good things. What about the bad?”

  “Well, I know you’re a psycho mass-murdering bitch when you want to be. And I mean that as a compliment – I’ve seen your dark side and it still hasn’t scared me off.”

  She raised an eyebrow. “Did you know I was once like you?”

  “Awesomely cool?”

  “The opposite, dipshit. I was a dork, a bookworm back in grade school.”

  Okay, I was willing to believe a lot, but this strained the boundaries of disbelief. “You’re shitting me.”

  “It’s true. I spent my days in the library. My sister Linda was the glamorous one. She had the looks, the popularity, the boys.”

  I couldn’t quite stifle a laugh. “Hold on. Linda and Lucinda?”

  “Yes, my parents were assholes,” she snapped. “Especially Dad.”

  The bitterness in her voice stopped me short. I’d heard things like this before. “Hold on. He didn’t...”

  She rolled her eyes at me. “Relax. This isn’t one of those types of confessions. He never laid a hand on me. He was just a chauvinistic ass and he made it known all the time. He’s the reason I eventually rebelled, ran away from home, made some bad decisions that led me to this life. Who’d a thought little bookworm Lucinda, who dreamed of being a businesswoman on Madison Avenue, would end up like this?”

  “Well, if it helps, you filled out quite nicely.”

  “Don’t think I’m not aware. Being a vampire under Jeff was tough, but it did wonders for my self-image.”

  “So why are you telling me all of this?” I asked, then remembered why we were out here. “And what does this have to do with the knife ... or is it Sheila?” Yeah, I was tossing the bait out there, but fuck it. Can’t be a pussy all my life.

  “I’m telling you because this is it. It’s the end game. I’m not gonna lie. I’m pretty certain not all of us are coming back from this one. So I figured you deserved to know that much. As for the rest...”

  “Yeah?” Now we were getting to the interesting part.

  “It’s because you wouldn’t.”

  “Wouldn’t what?”

  “Kill her, if it came down to it.”

  “Wait, what are we talking about?”

  “You said it yourself, I have a fondness for Christy. I consider her a friend. Never thought I’d say that out loud, but she is. I like her. Hell, I might even go so far...”

  “As to say you like Tom, too?”

  “More like tolerate him to a small degree. A very small degree.”

  “Okay, fine. I’m sure he’d be good with that. But why do you think I need to kill...?” I promptly shut my mouth as realization set in. “The prophecy?”

  “Ours and that goddamned one the Magi have.”

  “You don’t really think...”

  She stood and threw her hands in the air. “What the fuck does it matter what I, you, or anyone else thinks? We’re dealing with magic here. It doesn’t follow the rules of logic. I can’t say I believe in destiny, but if I did, I sure as shit wouldn’t want to know about it in advance. The fact is we do, though, and it seems hell-bent on happening. That scares the shit out of me.”

  “She doesn’t want that. Sheila, I mean. She’s not a baby killer.”

  “Do you think I don’t know that? I’ve lived the greater part of my life with people who are. After a while, you begin to develop a knack for spotting the type.”

  “Okay then. But even assuming fate throws us a monkey wrench and we learn Christy’s kid is destined to grow up to be Ming the Merciless, I made Sheila a promise that I’d stop her if it came down to it.”

  “And that’s the problem, Bill. You’re not a killer either. Sure, you do wh
at you need to do, but you don’t enjoy it.”

  “I might’ve enjoyed it with a few of them.”

  “You wouldn’t enjoy it with anyone who didn’t deserve it.”

  I took in the silent forest around us. One might have thought we were the last two people left on earth at that moment. Problem was, if we waited here long enough, we might end up that way. “You said it yourself. I do what I need to do.”

  “Not this time. You’re too close. Too conflicted with any of us. What if it turned out that killing Ed was the only way to stop this? What would you do?”

  “I ... I’d make like Captain Kirk and the Kobayashi Maru. I’d find a new choice.”

  “No. You’d hesitate, try to talk your way out of it. Maybe you’d even manage it, but maybe you wouldn’t. Know what I would do? I’d kill him.”

  “He’s your friend, too.”

  “I know. But here’s the thing: I’m already a killer. I gave in to the darkness a long time ago. It’s a part of me now, and that’s why I had the knife. So if push came to shove, I could kill her so you wouldn’t have to.”

  “Wait, you did this for me?”

  “You truly are a fucking moron when you want to be, you know that?” She turned and gave me a shove. Of course, a shove from a tiny vampire was pretty much the equivalent of a four-hundred-pound wrestler putting their all into it, so I ended up landing on my ass about ten feet away. “When this all started, it was all about me. I won’t lie. You were a means to an end. Nothing more. But then you and your goddamned humanity ended up being contagious, like some sort of disease.”

  “Hadn’t quite thought of it that way,” I replied, getting to my feet and dusting off the seat of my pants.

  “It’s like one day I woke up and suddenly I believed in you. Well, here’s the thing. I still do. You’re one of the most clueless assholes I know, but you’re a good person inside.”

  I stepped back over to her, but cautiously this time. I’d meant to drag her out here to chew her out, not get beaten up. “I don’t know about that.”

  “Whatever that thing inside of you is, it’s not you. It can act like you, but it isn’t and, here’s the thing – you’re stronger than it. You proved that when you didn’t let it kill me. You proved it again when you blew the shit out of Vehron and took over, even if it was just for a short time. You may not believe it, but you are.”

  I considered my recent mood swings. I still wasn’t sure I could agree. However, hearing of her faith in me didn’t exactly hurt. “Thank you.”

  “Fucking idiot,” she replied offhandedly.

  “But that still doesn’t explain the knife. I mean, if you think destiny is that strong, then Sheila and I still have to face each other in some final apocalyptic battle.”

  “Yeah,” she replied, lifting a hand and... Holy crap, was she wiping her eyes? Hell, I’d barely ever seen her shed tears of laughter, but this... “You’re going to lose, you know.”

  “Huh?”

  “Just what I said. You’re going to lose that battle.”

  “I might not be the best fighter in the world, but...”

  “But you’re going to lose it on purpose.” She held up a hand. “No, don’t try to argue it. You will, because that’s what you’d do for anyone you loved rather than have to hurt them. You’d do it for her. You’d do it for Ed. You’d do it for that idiot Tom.”

  “I’d do it for you.” I paused at the realization of what I’d just said. “Um, what I meant was...”

  “I’m not a fucking idiot, Bill. I know.”

  “Oh.”

  “Believe me, I know.” She stepped up and placed a hand on my cheek. I looked her in the eye and finally saw her. The mask that she always wore had fallen away and, in her eyes, I saw the pain of a life forced to live as a monster against her will. “But I’m not as generous as you. I’m a selfish person. I can’t promise I would do the same.”

  “You might surprise yourself.”

  “You might want to think twice before betting on that.” She blinked and her eyes turned soullessly black for a moment before resuming their normal green color. “I can promise you one thing, though.”

  “What?”

  “I’d sooner kill that girl and have you hate me, than watch you do it and hate yourself.”

  Part 2

  Ejecting the Warp Core

  Had my life been a romantic comedy, our time alone in Grulg’s secret place would have culminated with much kissing and rolling around in the dirt.

  Sadly, we were in the middle of Armageddon, and fate – whether or not it existed – didn’t quite like me that much.

  I did manage to pull Sally into a big hug that she returned for maybe about four seconds before threatening to knee me in the balls if I didn’t let go.

  Despite all she’d said, I still didn’t believe her. Yeah, on the outside, she projected an aura of gold-digging that would have put any reality show family to shame, but inside, there was a solid core of goodness.

  I’d mentally put my feelings for Sheila on the shelf back in Boston, or tried to anyway. After our talk, I realized I had to do the same with Sally as well. Right now, all of us needed friends we could count on far more than anything else.

  For once, I was letting my brain do the thinking over my dick. Maybe this was that whole growing up thing everyone talked about.

  If so, it kinda sucked.

  As we walked back, I happily realized if either of them happened to offer me a pre-end-of-the-world good luck fuck, I’d still gladly accept it. Maturation might have infected me, but it was nice to see it wasn’t a fatal dose.

  “Are we cool?” I asked as the rancid smell in the air signaled that we were nearing the Sasquatch village again.

  “We were never not cool,” she replied with a smile. “Well, you probably weren’t.”

  “Too late; you already called me cool.”

  “Don’t let it go to your head.”

  “Also too late.”

  “I’m still worried about what’s coming.”

  “Worried about the end of the world? Nah, you don’t say.”

  “No, I mean who we have to face. Either of them could snag control of me in an instant. If that happens...”

  “I’ll do what needs to be done,” I replied. “Although, know that will mean knocking your ass out, nothing more.”

  “You mean trying to knock my ass out.”

  “I thought you had faith in me.”

  “I do, but I have more in me.”

  “Fair enough. You’re still not getting the knife back, though.”

  “Hah! As if I couldn’t get another.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  We arrived to find our friends ready to go through with the power dampening.

  Yeah, that was a nice way of saying it. The reality was more to the tune of injecting Sheila with dark magic that would leave her vulnerable in a way an Icon wasn’t meant to be. I really wasn’t comfortable with it, but it was her choice to make. I had to respect that, even if I didn’t like it.

  She was sitting on a bench with her sleeve rolled up. Kelly held her hand while the other witches were finishing up on their end.

  “I see the whore survived your admonishment,” Gan said, stepping away from the group and approaching us. “I am pleased by that.”

  “Really?” we both asked.

  “Of course. She still has uses, even if only as cannon fodder.”

  I leaned down. “Gan, Sally is my friend. She’s not cannon fodder.”

  “If you say so, my love.”

  “Speaking of love,” Tom added, also strolling over, “how did your little walk in the woods go?” He added a hip thrust for good measure.

  “Do that one more time and we’re going to find out if that glamour of yours has intestines,” Sally warned.

  It was good to see nothing had changed in the interim, in a sense anyway.

  “Go on,” Sally said to me with a nu
dge. “I think someone else could use a friend right now.” I raised an eyebrow and she simply nodded.

  Tom stepped in to continue talking to Sally, so I excused myself from that idiot sandwich to ask Christy how things were going.

  She held up a syringe filled with a dirty dark grey fluid. “We’re as ready as we’re going to be. One of the Forest Folk popped in a while back to let us know we were a go on their end, too. They’re ready to send us whenever we are.”

  “Arboreal apparating. Cool.”

  She narrowed her eyes at me for a moment, but then lightened up. “I will admit a little bit of curiosity to seeing how it works.”

  I pointed at the syringe. “So is that stuff ... safe?”

  “I don’t think anyone can answer that,” Sheila replied with a smile that didn’t reach her eyes.

  “We diluted the mixture as much as we thought possible while still leaving it effective,” Christy said.

  “Yeah, I made the calculations,” Meg added. “As best I could, anyway.”

  A glance passed between her and Christy, not an entirely friendly one either. Trouble in witch paradise, perhaps?

  I turned back to Sheila. “Are you sure about this?”

  “No, but I don’t think we have much choice.”

  I took a seat on her other side. “You always have a choice.”

  “I don’t know if I can believe that.”

  “Sure you can. Just have a little faith.”

  The smile turned real and she laughed. After she was finished, she looked up at the witches. “Let’s do this.”

  Kelly stood up to make room for the others. Christy stepped forward, but Veronica offered her hand instead. “Let me. I’ve done it enough times I’m almost a pro.”

  Christy nodded and handed over the needle.

  Kelly stepped to the side and Sheila raised her right arm. Barely realizing I was doing so, I grabbed her free hand and squeezed it. It trembled slightly, then she squeezed back.

  “Let’s do this before I chicken out.” Sheila glanced at me as she said it, making me wonder if she was actually talking to Veronica.

  “Any preference where you want it?” Veronica asked, holding up the syringe.