The Tome of Bill Series: Books 5-8 (Goddamned Freaky Monsters, Half A Prayer, The Wicked Dead, The Last Coven)

by Rick Gualtieri

  “Whatever’s convenient,” she replied with a chuckle. “Just do me a favor and make it fast. If you’re going to try doing the distraction thing, don't. I always hated that.”

  Veronica smiled and nodded. “Me too.” Then she inserted the needle.

  Take Your Medicine

  At first, there wasn’t much to note – just a tiny wince from Sheila as the needle sank into her upper arm and Veronica depressed the plunger.

  “I guess that wasn’t so...”

  She didn’t get a chance to finish, as her back arched suddenly and she squeezed down on my hand with surprising strength. The rest of her began to shake uncontrollably and her eyes rolled into the back of her head.

  “Damnit,” Christy snapped. “Someone help Bill.”

  Kelly and Meg grabbed Sheila from the other side. Together, we tried to get her into a prone position so she couldn’t hurt herself.

  “Quick,” Veronica said. “Put something between her teeth so she doesn’t bite her tongue in half.”

  Fuck! There wasn’t anything in reach, at least not that I thought hygienic enough to chew on. Oh, the hell with it! I shoved the flat of my hand into her mouth until something better could be found.

  And, of course, she promptly bit down hard. God fucking damn!

  “Not what I had in mind,” Veronica chided. She was starting to get a deer in the headlights look in her eyes.

  I turned to her and said in my best calm voice, “Well, if you’d be so kind as to find something else, then.”

  “Hold on,” Christy said. She’d retrieved a backpack and used her magic to sear off one of the straps.

  “Good idea. That oughta to be thick enough to...”

  Minor things, like words and coherent thought, were immediately cut off as Sheila’s aura erupted from her body. It washed harmlessly over the witches. For me, however, the effect was slightly less fun.

  White fire burst from my skin where we made direct contact. Both of my hands blazed up as if I’d dipped them in lighter fluid and held them over an open flame.

  My concern wasn’t for my own safety, though. Well, okay, not entirely for my own safety, because, fuck me, it hurt a lot! At the same time, I couldn’t let go. Kelly and Meg were just barely holding down the fort on Sheila’s other side. If I backed off, she could seriously injure herself.

  “Beloved,” Gan said from behind me. “Perhaps it would be best if you...”

  “Oh, the hell with this.” Sally stepped past Gan with a snarl and made to drag me away.

  “No!” I roared, despite wanting nothing more than to curl up in a ball away from the hurty magic. My hands were really starting to feel charred and...

  Wait, it was just my hands. Not the rest of me as it should have been.

  I was about to point this out when Veronica cried, “Look!”

  Sure enough, the glow around Sheila was fading. Had this been any other time, I’d have been burnt to a crisp. I would have had to spend the rest of the day growing back my skin, and that’s only if I had gotten supremely lucky. But now, yeah, my hands were going to mostly be useless hunks of meat for a while, but the damage pretty much stopped at my wrists.

  I removed my hand from her mouth and replaced it with the backpack strap, but the danger appeared to be almost over. Slowly, the convulsions began to lessen. Finally, her body went slack.

  Meg put two fingers on Sheila’s neck to make sure she had a pulse, but it was unnecessary. I could hear her heart beating and the sound of her breathing. Both were a little fast, but nothing dangerous, or so I hoped. It wasn’t like I was a trained paramedic or anything.

  Sheila let out a groan and her eyes began to flutter. “Ugh, why do I have the taste of barbecue in my mouth?”

  I put my hands behind my back and leaned over her. Her eyes opened and I smiled.

  “What?” she asked weakly. “See something you like?”

  “You.” Her eyes opened wide, and I quickly added, “I mean, you’re back. The old you, that is. Oh jeez. Anyone have a mirror?”

  “I don’t see anything different,” Meg replied.

  “Hold on, Romeo,” Kelly said, then she fished out her phone, took a picture of Sheila, and showed it to her.

  “My eyes, they’re...”

  It wasn’t quite as dramatic an effect as what a vamp could do. Hell, only someone intimately familiar with how she looked could have told. And yes, I’d Facebook stalked her enough to be able to give a sketch artist a near perfect rendition of her features. Sue me for being desperate.

  Regardless, just a few moments before, her eyes had been a brilliant silver in color, almost as if her irises were made of metal. Now, though, they were a light grey, the same light grey I’d seen nearly every day at work for three years.

  “More importantly,” Christy said, pushing her way past the rest of us. “How do you feel?”

  “Like I just got over a bad cold. Ouch...” She sat up and placed a hand over where she’d been stuck with the needle. A small bruise was forming and a tiny drop of blood could be seen on her skin.

  “Oh, sorry. Let me clean that up,” Veronica said.

  “No need.” Sheila closed her eyes. A second later, she gritted her teeth. The faintest of glows appeared around her hand, only visible because the interior of the hut was fairly dim. If we’d been standing outside in the daylight, you’d have never noticed it. Finally, she let go. “I take back what I said.” She looked at me. “That’s all the juice I’ve got in me.”

  “Think it’ll be enough to get you through the Stargate?” I asked.

  “There is only one way to be certain,” Gan said.

  Before I could question what she meant by that, she was across the room. By the time I had spun back around, Kelly and Veronica had been abruptly knocked to the side.

  Of far greater interest, though, was Gan and the hand she had around Sheila’s throat.

  The Hidden Menace

  Sheila’s eyes opened wide and she instinctively tried to ward off her smaller foe. She grabbed Gan’s hand by the thumb to force her off, but Gan countered expertly, maintaining her grasp.

  Stunned silence met this in the hut. I had learned to expect the unexpected from the little runt, but this was insane. All of her talk of wanting to see destiny play itself out. Had that been little more than a ruse, a chance to get close enough for something like this?

  That broke the impasse. I reached into my pocket and grabbed hold of the blood vial still there.

  I wasn’t the only one on the move. Little more than a blur herself, Sally raced past me ... only to catch a back kick from Gan that came up so quickly you’d have sworn her foot teleported.

  “That will be unnecessary, whore,” she replied before releasing her grasp on Sheila and backing up a step. “I have seen enough. The Shining One is capable of making this journey with us.”

  Her words registered in my ears, but I wasn’t listening. Anger flooded through me and I ripped my hand out of my pocket and took a swing at the little monster.

  She caught me by the wrist as if I’d been moving in slow motion. “I believe it would be unwise to waste that, my love.”

  It was only then that I realized I still had the vial grasped in my fist.

  “What the hell?!” I screamed at her, before turning to Sheila. “Are you all right?” I then remembered Sally. I glanced back and saw Tom helping her up across the hut. “Are you both all right?”

  “Nothing a good orthodontist couldn’t fix,” Sally said, spitting out a wad of blood.

  “She really fucking nailed you,” Tom said.

  Sally glared at him, then shoved him away. Yeah, she was fine.

  “You?” I asked Sheila, who appeared shaken but otherwise unhurt.

  She nodded, then turned to Gan. “You scared the crap out of me. Why did you...” Her voice trailed off. For a moment, I was afraid she was hurt worse than she realized, internal injuries maybe, but then – amazingly enough – s
he began to laugh.

  Looks of confusion were passed back and forth among the occupants of the room.

  “You get hit in the head a little too hard there, Sheils?” Kelly asked.

  “No.” She got the laughter under control, but still had a big grin on her face. “Don’t you get it? She frightened me. I was actually afraid.”

  “I don’t get it.”

  “Think of it like being underwater too long and then finally breaking the surface for air.”

  Collectively, we stared blankly at her.

  “I mean, I can still feel fear, but it has to be something big. Something deep.”

  “Like?” I asked.

  She averted her eyes for a moment. “Just something big. But physical conflict, normally that’s nothing. More of a rush than anything. But what she did right there, it scared the ever-living crap out of me.”

  It took me a moment for this to sink in, but then I got it. Primal fear was supposed to be alien to an Icon. Getting a dose of it must have been for her what feeling the momentary warmth of the sun might feel like for a vampire ... albeit maybe a tad different. Even so, give a deaf man back his hearing for a day and I’m sure the most annoying sound in the world would seem like music to his ears.

  “Your reflexes and combat skills are still intact, I see,” Gan replied.

  “Yeah, intact,” Sheila replied dubiously. No doubt she’d noticed how easily Gan had countered her.

  “Enough with the tests,” I said.

  “C’mon, man, this is the fun part.”

  I spun to glare daggers at Tom. “No comments from the peanut gallery, especially you.” My roommates’ idea of fun had, in prior days, typically involved me in various stages of on fire.

  Tom gave an easy shrug as if to say he had to try.

  I turned my attention back to Sheila. “So, how are you feeling?”

  She was quiet for a moment as if running an internal diagnostic. “Pretty normal, and I mean normal me, not normal Icon me. Maybe a bit queasy, like something didn’t quite agree with me, but decent. Well enough to give the magic carpet ride a try.”

  Good enough for me. “Okay, folks, grab your bags. It’s time to check out of the Sasquatch Hilton. Be sure not to steal any towels along the way. I hear the penalties for doing so are a killer.”

  That got them all moving, albeit there wasn’t much to pack. We hadn’t come up here with the intention of moving in. And, truth be told, I hoped to never ever see this place, or my new wife, again.

  Now to hope that was one fate I could avoid.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  The supernatural world could be so mundane when it wanted to be. Typical vampire society was more like a frat house than anything, while their higher up operations wouldn’t be alien to any middle manager in corporate America. There were glimpses of the fantastic here and there – Gods, weird monsters, the various ceremonies that Christy’s magic seemed to favor.

  It was that latter I was thinking of, so of course I was slightly underwhelmed when the Sasquatch shaman threw a hunk of ... let’s just pretend it was mud ... against the trunk of a tall pine tree, pointed a grimy finger, and said, “T’lunta walk there. All walk there.”

  “Walk where?” I asked. I didn’t see any shimmering portal, black hole, or magical opening in the tree.

  “There.” It pointed again. “Behind tree. But first...”

  “Oh fucking A, man!” I yelled as the glop of shit splattered against my chest. “Was that completely necessary?”

  The creature opened its mouth in a broken-toothed grin. Fucking asshole.

  “You might want to look up this thing called fluoride,” I replied lamely.

  “Shaman mark you,” Big C said. He’d joined us to see us off and maybe get in a goodbye smooch from his blushing bride. Too bad so sad, but my lovely wife was nowhere to be seen. Ah, what a heartbreaker. “That way Grulg and others know not to kill T’lunta.”

  Oh. “Well, thank you, then.”

  He turned to his shaman, chattered something, and they both broke out in mirthful hoots. Somehow I got the sneaking suspicion it was the ape equivalent of “The dumb rube fell for it.”

  “Big C wish you well, mate,” he said to Sally. “Return soon so that we make many cubs.” The tone he used, however, was anything but eager. The big idiot was probably more likely to throw a party if Sally was returned to him as a pile of dust. Heh. Maybe, once this was said and done, we could actually come to an agreement in which neither us had to dip our wicks anywhere we didn’t want to and still keep the peace.

  Still, that was probably a moot point as there was a good chance we wouldn’t see each other alive again. One could always hope.

  “Not gonna give your sugar daddy a kiss goodbye?” I asked.

  Sally gave me the stink eye, then stepped around the tree ... and didn’t reappear on the other side.

  Okay then.

  I made to move forward, but a big paw fell upon my shoulders. Uh oh, this was what I feared. I glanced up, expecting to see a fist headed my way, but Big C simply said, “Let Magi go.”

  I shrugged. “Whatever. I mean, sure, ladies first and all.”

  Kelly looked at me, then at C as if wondering what that was all about. Finally, though, she stepped through.

  Christy and her other coven members followed. Tom was next, then Gan after I promised I’d be right behind her.

  That left Sheila and me as the final two.

  “I should go last,” she said. “Make sure you’re okay.”

  Her meaning was clear. The apes could just as easily pummel me into paste once the others were gone and nobody would be the wiser. Under normal circumstances, I’d agree, but this was anything but normal.

  “You first. We need to make sure this works. If it doesn’t...”

  “If it doesn’t, the Forest Folk will escort me back to Gan’s people.”

  “Where you’ll be both surrounded and powerless. No deal.”

  “I’m not arguing.”

  “Neither am I.” I scooped her up off her feet.

  “Hey!” she protested. I could feel her aura flicker to life, but it was still weak as a kitten, barely enough to singe even my coat.

  I carried her over and said, “You can yell at me once you’re safely there,” then unceremoniously dropped her back to her feet and shoved her behind the tree. With one step, she was still there. With the next, it was like she dissolved into nothingness.

  It had worked.

  “Yes!” I allowed myself a congratulatory fist pump, then turned and found Big C and his shaman standing there. A small contingent of Feet were behind them, supposedly gathered to watch our departure, but they could just as easily serve as my impromptu executioners if they wanted.

  There was no way I could fight them all, but the vial of happiness in my pocket could at least ensure I made them regret trying. Heh. Small comfort to the doomed.

  I steeled my voice as best I could. “So, are we going to have trouble now?”

  Rather than answer my challenge via way of tearing my limbs off, though, C actually raised his eyebrows in what appeared to be mock horror.

  “Big C honorable,” he said. “Honor treaty. Honor truce. Ask you to stay so you have chance when you step through.”

  “So I have a chance? You said you told the others the war was over. Hell, you said you marked me.” Okay, maybe that last one was a stretch.

  Big C took a step forward until he loomed above me. Oh crap. I’d stepped over the line.

  Instead of punting me into next Tuesday, however, he looked down and solemnly said, “We did. Will honor truce. Not need worry about us. Others you need worry about.”

  Well, if that wasn’t ominous sounding, I didn’t know what was.

  Shifting Out of Neutral

  Bigfoot teleportation was weird, but a lot less disconcerting than traveling via mage express. Rather than feeling like I was being blasted to pieces, shunted to nowhe
re, and then reassembled incorrectly, this was like trying to walk up the stairs four at a time. It’s hard to explain, but for a moment, one of my feet was back in Canada while another was touching down a thousand miles away.

  And then it was over and I was stepping out from behind a totally different tree in different surroundings and in weather that was – thankfully – a shitload warmer. Gan’s helicopters had the advantage of luxury accommodations, but this was a hell of a lot faster. I’d take it.

  Speaking of Gan, the little demon doll was there waiting to step into my personal space and give me a great big hug, strong enough to knock the wind out of me. “I am glad to see the Alma did not resort to treachery, my love.” She looked up at me with her big green eyes. “Though, if they had dared, I have little doubt you would have prevailed.”

  I glanced around and saw the others had likewise made it through unscathed, including Sheila, thank goodness. Even with her temporary vulnerability, I was afraid shit would still go awry and she’d somehow end up teleported into the middle of the Pacific. Nice to see that Christy knew her stuff. Well, fine. It was Decker’s plan, but it would be a cold day in Hell before I acknowledged him as anything other than a cockmeat sandwich with all the fixings.

  I peeled Gan off as best as I could, shedding the thick Mongolian fur coat in the process. I tossed it over the evil munchkin, giving me a moment to step away as she freed herself from it.

  That’s when I realized we weren’t alone. Large shapes loomed over our party from every direction. I could only hope they’d gotten the memo about the treaty – I didn’t fancy getting my skull stomped in.

  One of them, an eight-foot-tall monster covered in scars and missing patches of fur, stepped forward. “This place of peace,” it said, turning and scanning all of us with its beady eyes. Finally, it settled upon Christy. “No fighting here.”

  Though I had no way of knowing if I was right or not, I decided to take a chance and address him. “Hey ... Grulg.”

  The beast stepped toward me, glowering down. Oh great. I’d gotten it wrong and now I was gonna get dick-slapped for it. “Grulg see you remember, Freewill T’lunta.”