The Tome of Bill Series: Books 5-8 (Goddamned Freaky Monsters, Half A Prayer, The Wicked Dead, The Last Coven)

by Rick Gualtieri

  “I did? I mean, yeah, of course I did.” I quickly turned to Sally and pointed a finger at her. “In your fucking face!”

  “Blind squirrel, dickhead,” she shot back.

  Grulg grunted disapprovingly. “Blind squirrel not live long in woods. Too many things to catch and eat it.”

  “Not what she meant. It’s, well ... never mind. Just a dumb saying anyway.”

  “We’ve been looking for you,” Sally said. “We need your help.”

  He frowned, albeit that seemed to be a pretty common expression among his kind. “Grulg hear of treaty. No more war. But T’lunta never be allies, friends. T’lunta always enemies of the tribes.”

  Oh yeah, there was that. I needed to remember that treaty or not, the vamps and the Feet really couldn’t stand each other. A piece of dried up parchment and a few sham weddings weren’t going to bridge that gap anytime soon.

  “Still,” Grulg continued, “T’lunta and mate have acted honorably in past.”

  Sally made to open her mouth to say something, but I held up a hand. Fuck it, let this guy believe what he wanted. It didn’t matter so long as he gave us the directions we needed.

  “Grulg will help if Grulg is able.”

  “Awesome...”

  “But know this. If trick, then Grulg will smash T’lunta with rock!”

  “Hey,” I replied, holding up my hands in a placating manner, “if we’re lying, we’re dying.”

  “Wonderful choice of words,” Sally commented with an eye-roll.

  “Grulg see she still have fire.”

  “Oh yeah, she’s a pip, all right,” I said. “Anyway, let’s get right to it. Remember when we...”

  The words were caught in my throat as Grulg’s massive hand covered my face. For one horrible second, before I could close my lips, I tasted his palm. Oh God, the humanity!

  He quickly let go. “No talk here.”

  “A simple shhh would have sufficed.”

  “Enemies present. Grulg honorable. Not allow war here. Listen to T’lunta alone.”

  I looked around, seeing nobody besides our group and a bunch of Sasquatches, most of whom weren’t looking upon us with any great amount of kindness. Were there factions present that didn’t want peace? Not a big stretch of the imagination with this bunch. Either that, or we were surrounded by invisible demons ready to kick our asses – just my luck.

  Whatever. “All right, Grulg. Lead the way. Everyone else, try to keep up.”

  Grulg looked down at me as if I’d gone insane, his brows raised in surprise. “You bring along?”

  “What? Of course...” Oh wait. I think I got what he was saying. “Sheila ... the Silver Eyes. She’s agreed to a temporary truce. The enemy we seek is an enemy to all.”

  Grulg looked confused “Who?” I hooked a thumb back at Sheila. He stepped past me and gave her a sniff. “Smell like human.”

  “Long story. Listen, can we...”

  “Not talk about human, stupid T’lunta,” Grulg growled, rounding on me.

  “Why argue?” one of the other Sasquatches asked, stepping forward. He was a bit taller than Grulg and was giving me a stink eye that almost made the rest of him smell good in comparison. “Let allies do as want. Not matter to us.”

  “Not allies. We no longer at war,” Grulg spat back.

  “T’lunta still enemies,” the other one argued. “Magi not enemies.”

  Okay, none of this was making any fucking sense. “Yeah, we know the Magi aren’t enemies,” I said. “They’re here with us.”

  That stopped Grulg and the other Sasquatch dead in their tracks. Grulg turned to me. “Not prisoners?”

  “Of course not.”

  “Slaves?”

  “You tell me. Hey, Kelly, fetch me a beer.”

  “Do I look like a fucking Budweiser Clydesdale to you?”

  After the chuckling had died down, I turned back to Grulg. “See? They’re my friends.”

  He leaned down until he was almost face to face with me. Grulg might have been the closest I came to having a favorite Sasquatch, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t have benefited from a handful of breath mints. “Not friends.”

  “Okay, enough of the riddles,” Christy said at last. “What’s going on?” Then, almost as an afterthought, she added, “As neutral signatories of the Humbaba Accord, I and my sisters request to know the circumstances which seem to be hampering our progress here.”

  “Neutral?” After a few seconds of silence, during which Grulg appeared to be processing this, he stepped back and waved his hands to seemingly indicate her and her whole coven. “Not know?”

  “Not know what?” Meg asked.

  Grulg opened his mouth to answer, but then shifted his focus and brought his teeth together in a snarl. “This place of...”

  He was cut off as a purplish dome of energy crackled to life around us, surrounding me and my friends.

  What the fuck?

  I turned to Christy. “I didn’t know their magic could do this.”

  She looked around, an unreadable expression upon her face. “That’s because it’s not their magic.”

  “Grulg!” a human-sounding voice yelled from somewhere behind us. I turned to see several Sasquatches stepping to the side to allow a bunch of hooded figures in white robes past. I’d seen similar such garments before when I’d been up in the Woods of Mourning the first time. They were Magi.

  The woman at their lead spoke again. “As allied signatories of the Humbaba Accord, I and my coven demand that you hand over the vampires and their traitor allies.”

  And with that, any hope of my day becoming less complicated evaporated in a puff of logic.

  Meet the New Cult, Same as the Old Cult

  “Um, anyone have any idea...”

  Christy shut me up with a glance. Whatever was going on, she was as much in the dark as I was, but the look on her face said she planned to find out.

  “This is unexpected, my love.”

  “Not now, Gan,” I hissed.

  I held my ground, trying to not make any moves that might set off a wave of fireballs in our direction. Christy, however, didn’t seem inclined to the passive aggressive route. “What is the meaning of this? I am Christine Fenton, Mentor of...”

  “We know who you are,” the woman replied. “And you can drop the formalities. They won’t help you here.”

  “I see,” she replied, putting her hands on her hips. “Very well. Who do I have the honor of speaking to?”

  The mage in question removed her hood, revealing her to be middle-aged in appearance, perhaps of Mediterranean descent. Long brown, braided hair containing streaks of grey fell to the middle of her back. Her eyes, even darker brown than her hair, held a no-nonsense look about them as if she wasn’t about to tolerate any bullshit.

  “High Mentor,” Christy said with a polite nod of her head.

  “I see you remember. Good.”

  “Care to clue the rest of us in?” Sally asked.

  “I don’t speak to your kind,” the witch replied.

  Meg stepped forward. “How about me? Same question, lady.”

  “Ah, Christine. You haven’t taught your students much in the way of manners, I see. I suppose that’s to be expected.”

  Christy, for her part, played it neutral. “Meg, you stand before Agnes Zema, esteemed High Mentor of Northern New England.”

  “And how does my cousin’s favorite pupil fare these days? Heavy with child, I see.”

  Wait a second. Cousin?

  “Hold on,” Tom said. “You mean this bitch is Decker’s cousin? Small world.” So much for keeping my mouth shut, especially when Tom was around to fuck things up for me.

  The witch’s eyes narrowed at him. “I’d heard the Freewill had a tongue that could only be silenced if it was cut out. Do not tempt me, vampire.”

  “Oh, I’m not ... oof!”

  He was silenced by Sally quickly stepping in an
d elbowing him, again making me flinch. Maybe it was time to bring her up to speed on the whole Apollo’s Prism thing. “Don’t say anything else, Bill,” she said. “She doesn’t deserve the satisfaction.”

  What?!

  “What is this, Christine?” Agnes asked. “Some sort of glamour around him? Silly girl. That would have worked a lot better if you’d included his lackeys. I’d have thought Harold would have taught you better.”

  It was good to know that my picture wasn’t circulating around the entire supernatural world. Seemed everyone and their mother could usually sniff me out. However, maybe that was the key here. Mages had their magic, but their senses were no better than anyone else’s.

  As subtly as I could, which wasn’t much since we were surrounded by witches, Sasquatches, and a magic force field, I took stock of our group. Thankfully, Tom seemed to be the only one looking confused by this. Hell, even Gan shot me back a neutral glance, proving she could act with the best of them.

  That left only...

  “Grulg protest!”

  Uh oh.

  “T’lunta enemies but granted free passage by great leader Cunt.”

  By the way Agnes arched an eyebrow, and the hushed snickers of her coven that followed, I got the sense the idiocy of the Feet wasn’t lost on her either. But I had to give credit where credit was due. The big ape hadn’t ratted me out.

  “I would remind you, Grulg,” she replied, “what you have is, at best, an armistice with them. We have forsaken our time-honored neutrality so as to ally with your people. What means more to you, the request of those who are friends or a shallow promise made to an ancient enemy?”

  Grulg didn’t have an immediate answer.

  Thankfully, Christy didn’t let the silence pan out for long. “You dare to call me a traitor when you just willfully admitted that you’ve broken our neutrality? The Magi have stood silent witness to the machinations of the other races since before recorded history, tending only to our own affairs. Yet you and your coven casually throw that away and expect...”

  “You think this is only us?” Agnes asked, sounding surprised. “You and your coven have truly been blind these last few days.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “What I mean is that our most revered mother, Kala the White, has returned from the mists of time. She has returned and covens all across the world have flocked to her calling.”

  Well, goddamn it all. Talk about check and mate.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  While we’d been busy trying to figure out how the fuck we were gonna spelunk our way back to her homestead, Calibra hadn’t been sitting on her hands. Somehow she’d gotten word out, even as she blocked our efforts to scry her, that she was back and it was time for the Magi to fall in line.

  Apparently it had worked, too. And why shouldn’t it have? Hell, she was the giver of their laws, the maker of all they held dear, a Christ-like figure in her second coming.

  “You don’t know what she’s done. Who she really is,” Christy said, a hint of desperation in her voice.

  “The White has prepared us for your lies. Do you think she hasn’t told us there would be those who would speak out against her – those who would willingly betray their covens?” She shifted her glance toward Christy’s stomach. “Those who would consort with our enemies, lay with them. Bear their bastard seed.”

  “Hey,” Tom said. “You better not be talking about my kid.”

  A smile appeared on Agnes’s face. No fucking way! First, Turd believed Ed was my child, and now this nutcase thought Christy’s was mine, too. I swear, it would be a near miracle if I wasn’t hit with multiple paternity suits before this whole thing was over.

  Still, maybe there was a chance to worm in some doubt. I mean, hell, you can’t tell me that Jesus appearing in the middle of modern times wouldn’t incite at least a little skepticism.

  “Did you know your high and mighty Kala created abominations against life?” I asked.

  Christy spun toward me so fast I was certain she’d give herself whiplash in the process. She raised her eyebrows, but I simply smiled back at her. I had this one. Besides, the smug bitch outside the force field struck me as someone who needed to be taken down a peg or two.

  “What would you, an abomination of life, know of this?” Agnes asked.

  “It’s funny you should say that,” I replied, clasping my hands behind my back. “Didn’t you ever wonder how your beloved Kala just happened to show up now, after being missing for the last several thousand years?”

  “She’s a living goddess. Her knowledge of magic transcends ours many times over. Perhaps she slept. Perhaps she was reborn.”

  “Perhaps she’s a fucking vampire just like me.”

  That hit a nerve. If it hadn’t been for the magical shield between us, you’d have thought I’d slapped her in the face. Cries of “Blasphemy!” could be heard from her coven mates.

  “Yep, you guessed it, kiddies.” If I could get these magic users riled up enough, then maybe their concentration would falter. “Old Kala is a fang-faced bloodsucker.”

  Christy turned toward me, wide-eyed, but I ignored her. I was on a roll.

  Regardless, it didn’t make sense to do this stupidly. I glanced around, taking stock of all the witches and wizards I could see, ready to dodge at a moment’s notice. I wasn’t an idiot. A pissed off magic user was a sloppy magic user, but that didn’t mean they wouldn't do what they did best – fire off Disintegrate spells as fast as they could say them. “Not only that, though...”

  “I am warning you, vampire.”

  “But your best bud Kala isn’t only a vampire; she’s the first...”

  I saw the shot coming. For all their power, it seemed mages had to charge up a bit for their more lethal spells in a way that would have made any character on Dragonball Z proud.

  A wizard on the side closest me had apparently heard enough. He let fly with a bolt of red-hot magic that effortlessly passed through the purple construct, but I’d seen him before he shot his load. I sidestepped just in time for it to hit the ground where my feet had been a second earlier, leaving a nasty scorch mark.

  I’d correctly guessed he would be conservative in his aim. There were too many in this force bubble, too closely packed. Had we all been vamps, surely a shooting gallery would have been declared, but we had a coven of witches with us and, traitors or not, the Magi had never struck me as the kind to wantonly execute their own kind.

  “Gerald!” Agnes shouted. “That will be enough. You have not been given permission to...”

  “He dared profane the White,” a witch on the other side protested.

  More chimed in, mostly in favor of melting me into goo despite Agnes ordering them to stand down. Uh oh. I’d forgotten that Magi covens weren’t like vamp covens. The master, or mentor, didn’t have absolute control. Hell, Christy was living proof of that.

  I took a quick look amongst my own group. They likewise appeared to be coming to a similar conclusion. Agnes seemed a bit of a bitch, but she was apparently a bitch who wanted to capture us alive. The rest, not so much.

  “Good job as usual,” Sally said, adopting a defensive stance.

  I glanced back at Grulg, but he seemed to be at a loss. For once, he was the neutral party. Go figure.

  “Everyone get close to us,” Christy said as more angry red glows rose up in the peanut gallery.

  “I think not, witch,” Gan replied. “Your strategy is shortsighted.”

  “Fine, you’re on your own,” Christy stated without looking her way.

  “That is enough!” Agnes roared, trying to regain control. In response, the dome around us began to shimmer. She was apparently the architect of this particular spell.

  I was debating between Christy and Gan while this happened. Not personally, mind you. That was an easy choice in any state of mind. But Gan had a point regarding defense. The witches, Sheila, and Tom would do best collectively fending off sp
ells. Gan, Sally, and I, however, would be better served using our speed and agility.

  With Gan around, things were bound to get bloody fast, but right then, I was having a hard time thinking of reasons to ask her to hold back.

  “Be ready, my love,” she said, as if picking up my thoughts. Eww, creepy.

  “Stop!”

  The voice carried with it the unmistakable cadence of command, and all eyes on the would-be battlefield turned Sheila’s way.

  The bulk of her powers might have been in the shitter for the time being, but she still managed to convey a commanding presence. A part of me wondered if it was one of her Icon powers or just her.

  She placed her sheathed sword on the ground and stepped to the forefront of our group, her hands raised. “There’s no need for this.”

  “Get back here,” Kelly warned, but Sheila paid her no heed.

  “We are not here to wage war against the Magi,” she said, her tone authoritative yet placating enough to not be aggressive. “Nor are we here on behalf of the vampire nation.”

  “Who are you?” Agnes asked.

  She didn’t know? First me and now Sheila. Either this chick was out of the loop or we just weren’t as cool as we thought. Still, perhaps that was a good thing – far too many of the Magi had already tasted the kill the Icon Kool Aid.

  Now, to just hope Sheila didn’t ruin it by introducing herself.

  “These are my friends,” she replied, keeping it nice and neutral. Smart.

  “Your name, child?”

  Before Sheila could answer, one of the other mages ratcheted it back up to DEFCON 2. “She’s a thrall. Don’t listen to her!”

  A beam of pale blue light lanced out before Agnes could reassert control. Sheila’s aura flared up in response to it, or tried to.

  Shit!

  For a moment, a weak glow surrounded her, but it was nothing compared to the spell. It plowed through her defenses, lifted her from her feet, and sent her careening backward across the dirt.

  I was by her side in a split second, kneeling and swearing to myself that if she wasn’t okay, there were going to be a lot of dead mages littering the woods by the end of the day.