The Tome of Bill Series: Books 5-8 (Goddamned Freaky Monsters, Half A Prayer, The Wicked Dead, The Last Coven)

by Rick Gualtieri

  “Yeah, about that...”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  I laid everything out to him, including how our peace mission was neither sanctioned, recognized, or even known by the Draculas.

  This was extremely risky. Far as I could tell, Grulg was the equivalent of a battlefield commander. He didn’t quite rank up there with the Turds or Big C’s of the world, but he had a goodly amount of pull. If he decided I could take my story and shove it up my ass, we could be looking at a second offensive. Between the Feet and the Magi, there was virtually no chance of stopping them from leveling the entire city if that happened.

  It was a good thing breathing was no longer a vital function for me, because I held my breath as Grulg pondered my confession.

  “Tell Grulg if he understand right. Freewill T’lunta make false peace to find Grulg, so Grulg lead to enemies, so enemies can be crushed, so real peace can be made?”

  “In a nutshell, more or less.”

  He raised a hand and I flinched, but he simply placed it upon my shoulder. “Clever T’lunta.”

  “You’re not mad?”

  “Lies happen in war. Who to blame? Enemies or those who fall for lies?” He shrugged as if to say shit happens. “Lies to cause harm to Grulg’s kin bring much rage. Lies to bring peace, Grulg understand. Many die in war. Maybe they not need to.”

  Wow, that was actually pretty deep for a creature that liked to bathe in its own shit. “Yes, Grulg. That’s my hope, too. Just remember, the other vamps still think we’re at war. We have to keep up the ruse for a short while.”

  “Grulg deceive T’lunta leaders? Grulg like that. Much honor to Grulg.”

  I had to stifle a laugh. I could only imagine, in the near future, Grulg sitting around a fire with the other Feet passing around a cup of ... err ... grubs, I guess, and bullshitting about how he’d managed to punk the Dracs. Not a bad picture, if I did say so myself. I could get behind something like that.

  “Awesome to hear.” I turned and glanced up at the sky. It was starting to grow light in the east. Time to head back. I didn’t relish the thought of being cooped up for the day with Colin, but thankfully I had friends to mock him with. “Oh, yeah, almost forgot,” I said, looking over my shoulder at him. “I also told them you were a defector, so you’ll have to play ... URK!”

  Grulg grabbed me from behind, basically engulfing my head in his gigantic hand. “You tell T’lunta that Grulg traitor?”

  Uh oh. When he put it that way...

  “It was ... ugh!” I choked as one of his fingers slipped into my open mouth. That was really not something I had wanted to taste ever.

  He gave my head a shake. “Grulg not traitor! Grulg honorable warrior!”

  “It’s ... just ... a...”

  “You will put him down now.”

  The voice startled both of us. I couldn’t see very well between Grulg’s massive fingers, but I didn’t need a line of sight to know who’d said it.

  “Don’t be hasty,” a second voice, equally familiar, purred. “I kind of want to see where this is going,”

  Gan had found us, and she had Sally with her.

  Defective Defection

  Grulg began circling, dragging me along by the face. Judging by the sound of foliage snapping, I assumed Gan and Sally were doing the same. Or, at least Gan was.

  Okay, this was getting fucking ridiculous. Any second now, these two were going to go at it with me smack dab in the middle. I didn’t fancy being used as either a club, shield, or tug of war rope. I dared to open my mouth again, praying my taste buds forgave me. This time when Grulg’s finger slipped in, I bit down, just hard enough to get his attention.

  He growled and released me, finally getting the hint that this gnat could sting. I quickly stepped back out of his reach and spat out whatever was in my mouth. Guh! It was almost enough for me to consider going vegan when this was all over.

  For now, though, I stepped between the two wannabe combatants, hoping I didn’t get pummeled for my trouble. “That’s enough!”

  “This creature dared to attack you, my...”

  “Don’t say it, Gan.” I glanced over and saw Sally leaning against a tree, a look of amusement on her face. “Control her, please.”

  “You’re not the boss of me,” she replied with a grin.

  Assholes, all of them. I quickly turned my attention back to Grulg. “It’s another deception. We know it’s not true. Remember what you said, a lie to bring peace was worth it.”

  “Lie destroy Grulg’s honor.”

  I could kinda see his point. I personally didn’t care if the Dracs thought I was a piece of shit. Hell, most of them did anyway. But Grulg wasn’t me. This was a guy who was proud to be part of the system. Heck, he was like a more tolerable version of Colin, just for the other side. What I was asking him to do was for the benefit of his people, but at what cost? If word got out, Grulg could, in all likelihood, never go home again.

  Goddamn it. I hadn’t thought of that. In truth, I didn’t know shit about him. For all I knew he had a wife and kids, or cubs anyway. Turd may have been a pile of crap, but that didn’t mean the rest of the Feet didn’t understand the concept of friends, family, and love.

  “I’m sorry, Grulg. I spoke without thinking how it might affect you. It was selfish of me.”

  “Aw. This moment so needs to be on Maury.”

  “Not now,” I growled at Sally.

  Fortunately, my words seemed to have reached the big gorilla. He still kept an eye on Gan, but some of the tension went out of his massive arms. I took a risk and locked eyes with her, then gave a single nod and she immediately relaxed, looking again more like a preteen girl and less a one-woman wrecking crew.

  “Are you okay?”

  “I would think that would be obvious, beloved.” She smiled sweetly at me, obviously pleased that I’d asked.

  “I meant from earlier, with the witches.”

  “I am in far better condition than many of them,” she replied smugly.

  “What about...?”

  “Taken prisoner. After you were removed from the field of battle, your friend the witch mentor saw the futility of our situation. Even with my skill, the odds were too against our favor. She offered a compromise, her surrender in exchange for her coven not being harmed.”

  “Her coven and you, you mean?”

  She shrugged. “Her omission did not go unnoticed.” Yeah, she and Christy would never be on each other’s Christmas card lists. “I made good use of the momentary cessation of hostilities and escaped.”

  “With a souvenir,” Sally added. She inclined her head toward the sheathed sword lying at her feet.

  “Awesome! I know a certain Icon who’s going to be pleased as punch to see that.”

  “You should have expected no less,” Gan replied. “I wish the Shining One to be at full capacity when you finally dispatch her. It will make your victory all the sweeter.”

  “Uh, yeah, sweeter. Maybe not quite the word I’d use. So, why didn’t you catch up to us sooner? I’m sure you could have...” I was so going to regret saying this. “I’m sure you could have followed my scent.”

  “Indeed I could, for an eternity if need be.”

  Yep, I regretted it. Creep factor ratcheted up to eleven.

  “The Magi were persistent, though, as were a handful of the Alma.” She turned toward Grulg. “Some of your soldiers recognized me despite my scent.”

  He raised an eyebrow. Great, just what we needed – a reveal that Gan had a whole collection of squatch skulls.

  “Never mind that,” I quickly replied. “So what happened?”

  “They were diligent in their pursuit. More than once, they thought me boxed in.”

  “So what happened?”

  “What do you think happened?” Sally asked with an eye-roll. “You remember her first visit to the Office, right?”

  Yeah. It hadn’t been pretty. She’d basically put the fear of God
into the entirety of Village Coven.

  “Once they were dissuaded,” Gan continued, “I followed your trail here. Rather than announce myself to the Wanderer’s former assistant, though, I chose to circle around, scout the surrounding area. That is when I came upon your whore.”

  “What?” Sally spat. “Did we not just talk about that?”

  “I believe you were doing a great deal of the talking,” Gan replied. “It was quite tiresome to listen to. That you mistook my disinterest for compliance, however, is a failing on your part, not mine.”

  I could see Sally eyeing the sword, pondering her odds. Such a happy little family our group was.

  Looking to diffuse the situation, I turned back to Grulg and changed the subject. “You’ve been awfully quiet during all of this.”

  “T’lunta like to chatter,” he replied. “T’lunta mate and cub chatter much.”

  “She is not our cub,” Gan replied without any sense of irony whatsoever.

  “He didn’t mean ... never mind.” I massaged my temples, willing the stupidity headache away. “You and ... our cub just pipe down for now, please.”

  I resumed my conversation with Grulg before Sally could voice her opinion on that. “I know it’s a lot to ask of your honor, but will you help us?”

  He crossed his massive arms over his barrel of a chest. “No.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  What?! Shit like this wasn’t supposed to happen. I mean, hell, in the movies, you fuck up, say you’re sorry, and then go and defeat the bad guys. It’s practically a mandatory trope.

  “Grulg not defector. Not act like defector. Grulg honorable, loyal. All Grulg’s people know this.”

  I meant to reply with a quick primer on the concept of acting, gleaned from my single semester with the NJIT drama club, but before I could do so, Grulg raised his head to the sky and let loose with an ear-splitting roar.

  Shit! I really hoped it wouldn’t come down to this. I didn’t exactly like Grulg, but I definitely despised him less than his filthy brethren. Also, if we had to kill him now, we’d be thoroughly fucked. He hadn’t told us what we needed and without Christy around, there was no chance of a Speak With Dead spell.

  As I tensed myself for what was to come, Grulg opened his hand and slapped a nearby tree three times, shaking it to its roots and producing a hollow booming noise certain to echo for miles.

  Once I could hear myself think again, he bent down toward me and bared his teeth in a snarl.

  A few moments later, I realized I had no choice in the matter.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  As we struggled with Grulg’s unconscious form, I realized the irony of our situation – two vamps, both vulnerable to sunlight, racing against the clock to drag our foe back to where Colin’s men awaited. All the while, the one among us who could sunbathe with impunity hid back in the trees. Yeah, this made a lot of fucking sense.

  Heavy as he was, though, at least I could handle the load now. Following the brief scuffle, Gan had noted my piss poor condition. She had wasted no time in slitting a wrist and shoving it into my face. Even had I been at full strength, I’d have been hard pressed to fight her off, at least until I got a couple of sips. Not only did her blood pep me up, but it had an added bonus. In addition to sunlight, she’d apparently also picked up a resistance to silver as part of her transformation. Unlike the sunlight thing, which sadly didn’t seem to survive the transfer of blood, I seemed to have gotten a little bit of that silver immunity, evidenced by my wounds finally knitting themselves shut. By the time we approached the building Colin was using as a temporary base, I was feeling like myself again.

  I glanced down at the bruised form we were carrying, noting that I’d come out of this latest scuffle in much better shape for a change. Grulg had gotten a pounding, but it had been necessary.

  We needed to know what he did and he was going to tell us – one way or the other.

  Wood Versus Wood

  Tom and Sheila met us upon our return, helping us get to the shelter the buildings provided. I could tell they had questions, but thankfully, they held their tongues until we were out of the sun. That was good of them. I so hated being interrogated while on fire.

  “Damn, Bill. You kicked his ass,” Tom said as we laid the unconscious ape on the floor.

  “Something like that,” I replied.

  Sadly, Colin was also waiting for us. At some point, he must’ve sent some hapless lackey to salvage his wardrobe because he was once again dressed like he was ready for a corporate power lunch.

  He approached the battered Sasquatch and gave it a contemptuous kick before pulling out a handkerchief and wiping off his shoe. Seeing no reaction from us at his petty assholishness, he grinned, showing off straight white teeth that I really wanted to kick in. “I thought you said this creature had defected.”

  “He changed his mind,” Sally replied. “Must’ve been the company.”

  “True class is lost upon lesser beings,” Colin sniped back before turning to me. “May I inquire as to why it is still living? It has seen our...”

  “Awesome defenses?” Sally interrupted. “Yeah, bet he couldn’t wait to get back to his buddies to see if they could round up three cubs to take this place.”

  “He has information we need to know,” I explained. “Things Alex needs to know.”

  That caught his attention and he immediately lost all interest in trading barbs with Sally. “You presume to know the mind of Lord Alexander, Freewill? That is arrogant even by your standards.”

  “I only presume because I haven’t heard of Calibra’s head being given a place of honor in his closet yet.”

  Colin’s eyes narrowed. He wasn’t too keen on me speaking so flippantly about the guy whose boots he shined with his tongue. It probably killed him inside to know that I’d had more interactions with the Dracs in the last six months than most vamps did in half a millennium. “The First Coven are not in the habit of lauding their victories to children.”

  “And yet this child has an actual truce in place with him, one that calls for the free exchange of information.” I didn’t like this fucker at all, but I really enjoyed knocking him down a peg or three. I casually strolled up and put an arm around his shoulders. “Like it or not, buddy, you’re in the presence of not one, but two beings who are prophesied to be the key players in this conflict. We may not be as old as some of the players on the field, but we’re badass enough to hang with the cool kids.”

  Sally’s mouth turned up at the corners. Good to see she was enjoying this.

  “Fate truly has a sense of humor,” Colin remarked bitterly, shrugging me off as if I had cooties. “As for Lord Alexander, let him and his glorious brethren be the judge as to how worthy this beast’s so-called information is.”

  “Hopefully you can get a signal in this dump, because I sure as shit haven’t seen a single bar on my phone. If not, email might have to suffice.”

  “You misunderstand me, Freewill, as seems to be commonplace.” The smug grin returned to his face. “There will be no need for you to relay this information remotely. You may do so directly to Lord Alexander himself.”

  “Huh, what?”

  “Did I fail to mention it? Oh, dear me. Well, since you seem so eager to speak to our lord and master, I should let you know he is on his way and will be arriving shortly.”

  “He is?”

  “Oh yes, and from my last communique with him, he seemed quite eager to speak to you.”

  I hadn’t been expecting that. Sure, we needed to eventually loop in Alex with some carefully spoon-fed bullshit, but I figured for now he’d be off doing whatever a would-be world conqueror did during their downtime – like dusting all those pesky non-conformist covens.

  “Oh, did I not tell you?” Colin asked after a few moments of stunned silence on our part. “I reached out to him as soon as our debacle was concluded. He seemed quite intrigued by the circumstances surrounding your arrival.” He leere
d at Sheila. There was nothing sexual about it, though. Colin seemed the type who would only get a boner if the orders were signed in triplicate.

  No, his look was that of a pure predator who knew his prey had been cornered.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Shit!

  Back while we’d been waiting for the Squatch shamans to prepare their tree teleporter, I’d casually asked Gan about those black bladed weapons, mostly to keep her off the subject of planning our wedding. Encouraged by my feigned interest, she’d told me about the freaky-ass ritual needed to produce them and why it was mostly done with daggers or specific pole arms. Something long and thin like a sword would effectively be like swinging a glass rod instead. Just for shits and giggles, I asked why not projectile weapons, too. Turns out that, over distance, arrows would disintegrate mid-flight. Bullets were even riskier, as they’d often blow apart in the barrel of the gun first, causing it to backfire. The blood was that caustic.

  I hadn’t been paying a great deal of attention at the time. Now, though, I found myself considering the implications.

  A weapon coated with that shit could injure her, but injecting it directly into her bloodstream actually neutralized her powers for a time. In some ways, it wasn’t entirely unlike what silver did to vampires

  If they could figure out a way to load it into a dart, make it gaseous, or even poison an Icon’s food with it, then it would be game over. They’d need never fear them again. The checks and balances of the supernatural world would be kicked to the curb.

  Colin had seen Sheila vulnerable. He had to have guessed something happened to make her that way. It didn’t take a genius to figure out those of us with her probably knew what that was. The asshole was probably chomping at the bit to spill his guts to Alex about all of this.

  It was yet another chip for the pile already sitting in the middle of this dangerous game of high-stakes poker we seemed to be playing. Between this and The Source, it was rapidly becoming the ultimate jackpot.

  It was a game we couldn’t afford to lose now more than ever before.