The Tome of Bill Series: Books 5-8 (Goddamned Freaky Monsters, Half A Prayer, The Wicked Dead, The Last Coven)

by Rick Gualtieri

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  “We need to take a shower.”

  “Excuse me?” Colin asked.

  “What do you mean, we?” Sally added.

  “I meant we all need to clean up a bit. We can’t be scummy for Lord Alexander’s arrival. Wouldn’t do.”

  “No, it would not,” Colin replied, looking dapper in his fresh threads. “But I assure you, he is quite used to it from the rabble.” He smirked, probably still pleased to have ruffled my feathers with his revelation. Dude was a world-class prick.

  “No doubt, but if it’s all the same to you, we’d like to try.”

  It was a pathetic lie, and I didn’t expect Colin to buy it for a second, but he didn’t stop us as we covered up against the daylight before presumably trying to find a place with running water.

  Before stepping out, I glanced down at Grulg, still lying on the floor.

  “Fret not, Freewill,” Colin said. “We shall keep him safe.”

  “Just keep him in one piece,” I warned. “I’d hate to be the one to tell Alex that his new toy got broken before he got a chance to play with it.”

  The smile faltered on Colin’s face, and I walked out before it could reassert itself. Always leave on a high note.

  Despite the bright sunshine, there were several figures milling about – vamp soldiers outfitted for the day with body armor and tinted helmets, all in all far superior to the meager protection Sally and I wore. You’d think my status as their legendary warrior might warrant me at least a parasol, but no dice.

  Bloodthirsty cock-faces, all of them. Even if we won and left Calibra and Alex dead under a thousand tons of rock at the center of the Earth, we’d still need to contend with the rest of the vampire nation’s shit for all of eternity.

  Oh well, one problem at a time.

  I led us to a nearby building and kicked in the door. I wasn’t being particularly choosy because it didn’t really matter. We just needed to be out of earshot for a few minutes.

  Once inside, I instantly felt less singed around the edges. I headed upstairs, the others following, then opened the door of the first apartment I came to.

  “You weren’t serious about the showers, were you, Bill?” Tom asked. “Christy is pretty open minded, but she might have a problem with all of us...”

  I rounded on him. “Seriously?! That’s the thing you’re most concerned about? Sally, compel him.”

  “What?”

  “You heard me. Compel Tom.” Then, before she could open her mouth, I added, “Nothing lethal, please.”

  “Such a killjoy,” she mumbled.

  “What are you doing?” Sheila asked.

  “Testing something,” I said. “Please, now, while we’re young.”

  Sally flipped me the finger, but then I felt the slight tingle in the back of my skull that told me she was doing as asked. “GO DRY HUMP THAT BANNISTER!!”

  Okay, that was certainly an interesting choice.

  I instinctively stepped in to catch her, knowing the toll compelling humans took, but she remained steady on her feet.

  “It’s okay.” She waved me off. “That didn’t take as much out of me as I thought it would.”

  “Maybe you’re getting used to it.”

  “More likely it’s because he’s not human anymore. Not that he ever really was.”

  I hadn’t considered that, but it sounded as logical as anything else.

  “Um, guys...” Sheila pointed to the stairwell, where Tom was busy making sweet love to the wooden bannister at the top. From the look on his face, he was getting into it, too.

  “If you’re joking with us, you can stop now.”

  He ignored me, though, and kept at it. “Yeah, bitch! My wood or yours! Let’s see whose wins!”

  I turned to the others. “He’s not joking.”

  “No,” Sally replied thoughtfully. “It would appear he is not.”

  “Was kind of hoping he’d be immune in his new form.”

  “What was that saying?” she asked. “Something about the Force being able to control weak minds? Yes, I do occasionally go to the movies, dipshit.”

  “I didn’t imply...”

  Sheila stepped between us, pointing with one hand and covering her eyes with the other. “Can someone please stop him? I ... think he’s almost, you know, done.”

  Eww, she was right. He was more anatomically correct than I’d have guessed. I had to hand it to Christy. This was one hell of a spell.

  “YOUR DICK IS AS LIMP AS YOUR BRAIN!!”

  The compulsion rushed out from Sally and I caught a piece of it, feeling it reverberate in my brain for a second or two.

  A confused look came over Tom’s face as his eyes cleared. He glanced down in horror, then gave two more thrusts against the wooden railing before giving up. “That is so not cool.”

  “Get over it,” I said, wishing I had a gallon of brain bleach.

  “No, seriously. You can’t do that to a guy.” He pushed past me into the open apartment. “Excuse me.”

  “Where are you going?”

  “There are some things you just can’t start without finishing,” he replied, then disappeared into the bathroom.

  “All in favor of breaking into a different apartment?” I asked.

  Sheila shrugged, obviously uncomfortable with what had just taken place. It was kinda cute. “Joking aside, was there a reason for that?”

  “I’m glad you asked. It’s because...”

  “Fuck me!” Tom cried from inside. “It’s not working now!”

  “Christy stays with him willingly?” she asked.

  “Love is truly blind, and oh so tolerant.”

  Okay, enough of that. I needed to focus. Sally’s compulsion wasn’t super loud, but I was fooling myself if I thought none of the other vamps in the area hadn’t picked up on it. We didn’t have much time before someone got curious as to why Tom was first fucking the decor and now was a blue-balled, limp-dicked sad sack. “Sally, you need to take Tom and run.”

  She rolled her eyes at the suggestion, but I was pretty certain it was less what I wanted her to do than who she was supposed to do it with. She was a stick of dynamite and Tom was a walking, talking lit match. Her tolerance of his shit was low on a good day.

  “Why do they need to run?” Sheila asked. “I thought you said we should all stick together.”

  “It’s Colin,” Sally explained. “You saw the way he looked at you back there.”

  “He’s not really my type.”

  “I’m pretty sure he’d creep out Ilsa She-Wolf of the SS, so it’s good to know you have some semblance of taste, but that’s not what I meant. Compulsion. The meatsack is vulnerable to it, probably more so than most.” She paused, disgust evident in her voice. “But so am I.”

  Understanding passed through Sheila’s eyes. “It’s me, isn’t it?”

  “When we got here, you looked like you were at death’s door,” I said. “Don’t think Colin didn’t notice. Hell, at first I actually think he might have believed you weren’t you, but then he saw you in action. Despite that, he managed to beat you badly. That’s something he’s not about to let go as a fluke.”

  “It wasn’t that badly,” she replied defiantly, her eyes flashing silver.

  “Is that you speaking or the Icon?”

  She looked taken aback by my question. After a few moments, though, she lowered her eyes and nodded.

  Sally, in a rare gesture of camaraderie, put a hand on her shoulder. “Don’t feel bad. The prick stopped me in my tracks with a few words. The problem is a loser like him shouldn’t be able to touch you and live. He knows something was wrong. He knows you were a lot weaker than you should be. And you can bet that if he knows, Alexander is going to know, too.”

  “From the mouths of assholes,” I said.

  “Don’t think for a second Alexander isn’t going to force the issue. He won’t let something significant like this drop. For
all his bluster, he knows you beat Theodora in a fair fight. That’s not a small feat. You need to remember the stuff you learned in history class.”

  “Not really my best subject,” Sheila admitted. “Although lately I seem to be getting a crash course.”

  “Alexander of Macedon is one of history’s great conquerors,” Sally said. “He led via a combination of charisma and cunning. If anything, he’s gotten smarter over the years. If he can gain an advantage over a foe, he’s going to. The first thing he’s going to do is try to weasel it out of us using that truce of his. Don’t forget, we’re supposed to be sharing information.”

  I nodded. “We can try playing stupid, but...”

  “Bill’s specialty.” Bitch. “But that won’t cut it, not when there are two of us he can make squeal via brute force.” Sally gritted her teeth as she spoke, no doubt remembering her time as Alex’s meat puppet. “We can’t let that happen.”

  “I’m not afraid of him,” Sheila said.

  “We know you’re not,” I offered supportively.

  Sally shot me a withering look, then turned back to Sheila. “You should be, though. He won’t just have an advantage when we go after Ib. He’ll have an advantage for the end game as well. Think of it, that goddamned prophecy.”

  I made to protest, but she held up a hand. “I know your thoughts on this, but let’s pretend for a moment that it’s not bullshit. That somehow destiny will twist and turn us so that you two have to face off in some sort of climactic battle. If Bill wins, you’re out of the game, but he’s not out of the woods.”

  “Yeah,” I replied with some annoyance. “Alex has already proven he’s more than willing to remove Freewills from the equation. I don’t want my noggin ending up as his paperweight for all eternity.”

  “I doubt anyone does,” she replied. “But what if the opposite holds true? If the Icon wins, the darkness is supposed to be dispersed. The world stays in mankind’s hands. Except Alexander won’t like that at all. And if he has the means to take you out right afterwards, well then, who knows what’ll happen? At that point, he can make his own history.”

  “So he can’t know,” Sheila concluded.

  “No. It’s too dangerous, which means we have to make sure he can’t force the issue. Even if he tortures you both, without compulsion, he can’t know for certain.”

  “Which hopefully means he won’t bother with the torture.” I’d been on the receiving end of Alex’s manhandling. The guy was a maestro of pain, and I really didn’t care to be his fiddle again.

  “But what will you two do?” Sheila asked.

  Sally smiled. “I’m thinking a nice stroll in the woods will do just...”

  “The first thing she’s going to do is get rid of this compulsion,” Tom snapped, stepping out of the bathroom. “I can’t go out with a non-functioning dick.”

  “Why not?” Sally replied. “You’ve been doing just fine with a non-functioning brain. Besides, just talking about your dick makes me want to gargle industrial strength mouthwash.”

  “Don’t worry about them,” I said to Sheila, putting what I hoped was a bit of false positivity in my tone before lowering my voice to a bare whisper. “Assuming Sally doesn’t kill him first, we’re not alone. Trust me when I say, we have small friends in big places.”

  Drachawk Down

  As expected, it wasn’t long before Colin’s guards came looking for us. They found Sheila and me alone in one of the apartments, looting the closets of the former owners for some new clothes. Despite my earlier lie to Colin, we both really did look like hell after our recent battles.

  Though I couldn’t have cared less about being presentable for his high and mightiness, there was something to be said about walking around without having to worry about your clothes disintegrating right off your body. Though I wouldn’t have minded it with present company, I didn’t want to give the wrong impression and suddenly have Alex break out the wrestling oil again.

  “Where are the others?” one of the guards snapped.

  “The others?” I asked, testing the fit of a pair of fairly new jeans. Not bad. A bit long in the leg, but probably handy in case I happened to lose control and transform.

  “The vampire and the human.”

  “Not here,” Sheila said, stepping out from the bathroom wearing slacks and a silk blouse. “How’s this look?”

  “Goes with your eyes.”

  The two guards were starting to get agitated. Probably best to not let this go too far. Despite their superior age, I was fairly certain we could take them. But where would that leave us? We’d still have to deal with Colin and, soon enough, much worse.

  “Those two?” I asked with a sigh, while double checking to make sure I hadn’t left anything behind. “Serious fuck buddies. Can barely keep their hands, and other parts, off each other. Thought they were gonna bone right here in front of us. Finally told them to get a fucking room. Guess they listened.”

  I’d been betting on the fact that, even with Colin’s reserve troops, he didn’t have the manpower to keep anything but a fairly small area under constant surveillance. With the power out, there were no cameras to act as extra eyes. Sally and Tom had simply slipped out a back window and made a run for it, but these two dickweeds didn’t need to know that.

  One of them grumbled to himself, then turned to the other. “Search the building. If you find them, bring them back.”

  “And if I don’t?”

  The first guard shrugged, then turned to us. “You two with me. I am told ... the First shall be here shortly.”

  “Nervous much?” I asked with a grin.

  He didn’t answer, which made me smile even wider.

  In truth, I knew exactly what he was feeling.

  Knew it and felt it several times over.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  I grabbed both an umbrella and a hooded jacket from my unaware benefactor’s closet, and then we followed the guard back out into the street.

  Once outside, his focus seemed to be more on getting back than watching us, allowing us to fall back several paces.

  “Fuck buddies?” Sheila whispered with a grin.

  I smiled from behind the oversized aviator sunglasses I’d swiped. “If you’re gonna lie, might as well go big.”

  “That is one way of doing it. Speaking of which, what is it with Sally? I mean, between the two of you...”

  I held up a hand as a sound reached my ears. A few moments later, she heard it, too. Helicopters – more than a few, I’d say.

  Saved by the Dracs. I swear, I’d get a more accurate reading from the women in my life with a cheap plastic mood ring. That she’d even thought to ask had me curious, however. When we’d started this crazy journey, I’d sort of resigned myself to the fact that it wasn’t meant to be. There’d been a new coolness between us that seemed to signify that door was now closed. Oil and water, I suppose.

  I couldn’t lie, though. As we’d progressed, that wall of ice between us seemed to melt bit by bit. Maybe it was old habits dying hard, or maybe I was just fooling myself. I’d pined for her since first setting my eyes upon her, so to settle on being nothing more than friends? A bitter pill to swallow.

  Or maybe I should concentrate on the here and now and worry about those things later, I considered too late. I had absentmindedly turned my head toward the sound of the choppers and exposed my face to the sun, just long enough to remind me what a bad idea that was.

  “Oh my God! Are you okay?”

  “No,” I replied with a hiss of pain. “But considering the company about to join us, I have a feeling okay is a condition we’re not gonna be familiar with again for a while.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  So this was what Colin had put his men to work doing. We were close to the ruins of the Boston Complex again. Colin had his men set up several large pavilion tents that formed a covered passage from the open area to the brownstone a block away, which served as a temporary headquarte
rs.

  I had to give them credit. Vamps might be assholes, but with the proper motivation, they could apply themselves like busy little bees. Sadly, proper motivation was usually in the form of compulsion, death threats, or worse.

  Still, Colin had somehow made the most of a shit situation. Pity, there was still the wee fact of there no longer being a functioning vampire stronghold in the Northeast. Listening to him try to weasel out of that one ought to be interesting.

  It didn’t look like we had long to wait. I looked up – remembering to shield my face this time – and saw four attack choppers escorting their much larger brother. The big helicopter looked how you might expect Marine One to appear if it was decorated by The Cure. All of them were matte black in color with no markings. If I didn’t know better, I’d half expect Will Smith to step out when they landed and wipe all our memories.

  “Is it rare for them to travel during the day?” Sheila whispered in my ear, sending goosebumps up and down my arms. She’d apparently forgotten about the whole super hearing thing.

  Forcing myself to attempt adult-like behavior, I leaned in, pausing just long enough to sniff her hair, because deep down I obviously wanted her to think I was a creep. “It’s probably rarer for them to make an appearance to the unwashed masses. From what I hear, the waiting list for an audience is at least a couple centuries long.”

  “I guess we should be flattered.”

  Yep, flattered, as well as terrified. My prior dealings with the Dracs hadn’t always fallen on the win side. Sadly, the one supporter in the bunch that I could almost always count on was currently among the missing.

  Oh well, as tempting as running and hiding was, there was relatively little chance of me making it far. It was time to do what I tended to do during times like this – put on some false bravado and bullshit like my life depended on it.

  Go figure – it probably did.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Two of the attack choppers landed first, dispatching heavily armed vamps in head to toe obsidian-colored armor that looked thick enough to stop a grenade. Big guns were the order of the day – no silver stake bullshit for these fuckers. Two of them sported miniguns, making me wonder how badly three thousand rounds a minute of silver-jacketed love would mess up a fella’s day.