The Tome of Bill Series: Books 5-8 (Goddamned Freaky Monsters, Half A Prayer, The Wicked Dead, The Last Coven)

by Rick Gualtieri

  “Need I remind you, Freewill, the truce you speak of was between the Shining One, the Templar, and a small coven of Magi,” Alex said. That infuriatingly bemused grin was still on his face, so that meant I probably had a few seconds to dig myself out. “You were simply its proctor. However, in light of the recent actions of the Magi, I may need to rethink...”

  “My friends aren’t a part of that,” I interrupted. “They want to stop Ib as much as any of us.”

  “How can we know this?”

  “You can’t,” I replied, steeling myself. “But I can. They’re my friends. They won’t betray us. That is, unless something happens to me. You want to kill me for mouthing off, fine, but if you do, you’re guaranteed they’ll be standing against you.”

  “And what of it?” Zyra scoffed. “Are you seriously trying to tell us that Ib the First cannot be vanquished without the help of a handful of children?”

  Again, I turned Sheila’s way. She gave me a supportive nod to go on. I wondered if she’d have done so if she knew I was making this shit up as I went.

  “I’m not going to pretend we’re going to march in there and win singlehandedly. But I do know one thing. I’m the Freewill. I’m the lone vampire on this planet who is capable of fully resisting her will.”

  Yeah, between Gan and Ed, that was bullshit, but the devil was always in the details.

  “Standing by my side is the Icon, the only person alive who Ib’s magic can’t touch. Our allies are the Templar, and though you may scoff at them as little more than mere humans, they are warriors devoted to their God. They bring...”

  Someone coughed. I turned my head and saw it was Colin. What the fuck? Was he making “Bullshit” sounds into his hand? What a prick.

  “Anyway, the Templar bring with them the power of faith, a potent weapon against our foe. Finally, there are the Magi. Though they are small in number compared to those who now fight for Ib, they are wise to the ways of their people, a strategic advantage you’d be foolish to turn away.”

  Damn, that went better than I thought it would. Even I was impressed by the bullshit I was able to spew when I got my panties in a bunch.

  “Well said, Freewill,” Alex replied after a moment. “You do put forth a compelling argument. But even so, I believe you may be overstating your importance to this mission. Still, I will allow this presumption if the others agree.”

  “You would let this lout insult us and pay no price?” Gaius roared. He stood and pointed a finger my way. “Are we not the First? Are we not above reproach?”

  “I take it you do not agree?” Alex asked, his tone even.

  “I would have this fool’s life. We have survived for over half a millennium without the Freewills. Their time has passed. We no longer need them. Let us send this child to whatever Hell the rest of his kind now rot in.”

  “You do that and you’re fucked,” I shot back. Hmm, perhaps not the most eloquent way of putting things, but sometimes you gotta play to your strengths. “I meant, you can kill me if you want. I doubt I could stop you.”

  “You doubt...”

  “Fine, I highly doubt it. Whatever.” I remembered a passage Dave had once read us when we were about to assault the Ice Troll Fortress at Frozen Corpse Pass. “But the truth remains, you will only be sealing the pact of your own doom if you follow this dark path.”

  “You think yourself that important?” Zyra asked.

  “Let him finish,” Yehoshua said. “I am intrigued by this show of fortitude.”

  “Thanks,” I replied. “It’s simple. I don’t think I’m that important in the grand scheme of things. I’m just a programmer from Brooklyn who got caught up in all of this. Fate, however, seems to think differently. You are all aware of the prophecy, yes?”

  The various members of the Draculas mumbled among themselves for a moment – all except Alex, who continued to stare at me with his mismatched eyes. I caught some movement in my periphery and saw I even had the blind weirdo’s attention. He’d actually moved forward, his head cocked as if listening. Made sense. After all, he and his asshole buddies had been the ones to make the stupid prophecy in the first place.

  “It states,” I continued, “and I paraphrase, that in the very last days of this war, the Icon and Freewill will do battle. Winner takes all. I win, and the world is cloaked in darkness. She wins, and goodness, light, and baby bunny rabbits prevail.” Okay, maybe that was spreading it on a bit thick.

  Gan had already pointed out that was complete rubbish. Alex had also once confided in me that he’d manipulated events so as to make them match the prophecy. The rest of this group, however, I was willing to bet weren’t privy to those plans.

  Time to see if my bluff skill was up to snuff.

  I stepped forward, addressing Gaius ... fucking stupid name anyway. “I can see you know what I’m talking about. Well, genius, kill me now if you want, but if you do, you’re handing victory to the Icon. Vehron is dead. I’m the last Freewill. Without me, it’ll be sunshine and happiness, and the rest of the First Coven can thank you for that. So what’s it gonna be, Baltar? I ain’t got all day to die.”

  And there it was. I’d either cemented my rep for any doubters present or given them a nice epitaph to put on whatever urn they swept me into.

  The Gathering Storm

  Gaius was fit to be tied. I don’t think any vamp had ever mouthed off to the assembled Draculas in recorded history and lived to tell the tale.

  And you could be sure as shit I was gonna tell people. No way was Sally not getting an earful of this. Even better, I had a witness to back me up.

  The rest of the room stared in wide-eyed silence. It kinda made me sad I’d sent Tom away. He might’ve been a doofus, but he appreciated the awesomeness of knocking assholes down a peg. Oh well, spilt milk and all that bullshit.

  I continued to stand there unmolested as the seconds drew themselves out, all eyeballs on me – albeit not all of them friendly.

  Finally, Alex turned toward the back. “Seer of the Mists, what say you?”

  The hooded weirdo stepped slightly forward from the shadows.

  “Yeah, about that,” I said. “Why exactly is Sierra Mist here again? I thought he and his buddies were all about sucking fumes in their cave.”

  Alex’s frown turned upside down. “It is interesting that you bring up the prophecy in your defense, Freewill, because that is exactly why he is present. It is the seers’ belief as well that the time of prophecy is nigh. Though it goes against the edicts of his order, he has requested to be present so as to record its passing. I allowed such.”

  I gave him a thumbs up, then promptly shut it as the blind guy began to speak in his dead language, pausing to cackle with every other breath. There was a dude with a serious case of the crazies.

  After a few minutes of this, Alex said, “The seer and I are in agreement that the Freewill makes a convincing argument. Mind you, it is ONE NONE HERE SHALL EVER SPEAK OF!!”

  The compulsion hit me in the face like a pile driver. I flew back into a group of Colin’s people, scattering them like dominos. When my vision cleared enough for me to look up again, I saw Alex standing over me.

  “While I commend you for your rousing speech and surprisingly impeccable logic, I think we can all agree that word of this spreading would be counterproductive. The First are above reproach, after all.”

  I had a feeling another compulsion like that at close range would knock me out cold, so I simply nodded. Fine, let the babies have their bottle.

  Alex took his seat as if the last few minutes hadn’t happened. “I believe you were telling us about the Grendel, were you not?”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Alex wasn’t stupid by any stretch of the imagination. He was able to put two and two together. Obviously, my goal in tracking down Grulg had been to learn how to find Calibra again. I shared this information, thus keeping my end of the bargain. Thankfully, he chose not to question that.

 
; “Prefect Kennelsbeth claims you seemed to be on amicable terms with the Grendel,” Alex said.

  I stepped forward, keeping about ten feet between me and Grulg. “It was a necessary ruse to...”

  Grulg suddenly snarled and pulled at his restraints. “Enemy of the peace!” he bellowed. “Enemy forever! Die, T’lunta!” There came a groan of metal and, amazingly, he managed to break one of his arms free.

  Though his legs were still shackled, he was able to bend his knees enough to launch himself at me before his handlers could get him under control. He cocked his free fist back so as to smash me into pulp.

  This was gonna hurt.

  I was right, but in a different way.

  While everyone else had been transfixed by what was happening, save the Draculas who probably thought they were too good to help me, Sheila dove forward for the save ... sorta.

  She stepped in between me and Grulg and ignited her aura.

  Grulg screamed in pain as the resulting crackle of power caught us both. It was a glancing blow, but I nevertheless found myself hurtling through the air. Thankfully, my fall was broken by someone unlucky enough to have been in the way.

  Before I could breathe a sigh of relief, a clawed hand grabbed hold of my throat and flung me nearly the length of the room. I slammed into a kitchen cabinet hard enough to turn it into kindling and then crashed to the floor, dazed.

  “Enough!” a voice roared, rudely rousing me from the dreamland I’d been headed toward. “Remove that beast from this place now. We will extract what we need from him afterwards.”

  The cobwebs began to clear and I realized it was Alex speaking. Hope he wasn’t talking about me, because that would just be plain rude.

  “Bill! Are you okay?” asked a voice that was definitely not Alex’s. “I’m so sorry.”

  Sheila stepped to my side a moment later and helped me extract myself from a pile of Tupperware bowls. “Never a matching lid when you need one.”

  “What?”

  “Huh?” I asked her, then shook my head. “Never mind. Thanks for the assist.”

  “I didn’t mean to blast you.” She lowered her voice. “Or knock you into that Gaius fellow.”

  That figured. Asshole had probably considered it a gift from heaven. He’d gotten his pound of flesh. Hopefully that made him happy for the moment. “Grulg?” I asked.

  “Angry, but alive.”

  I nodded, and got back to my feet just in time to see him being dragged out. He looked pretty singed, and pissed as all hell, but he was definitely still kicking. Once again, I had to remind myself it was either him or Ed.

  A few minutes later found me standing in front of the Draculas again, a new chair having been procured for Gaius, who continued to stare venomously at me. Guess he wanted two pounds of flesh.

  “You alone defeated the Grendel?” Yehoshua asked as I finished telling Alex how I lured Grulg here under false pretenses.

  “My friend Sally helped.”

  Alex leaned forward. “Where is she?”

  “Not here.”

  He and I locked eyes. It was a losing proposition for me and I knew it. I never could hold someone’s gaze without laughing, even as a child. Still, I tried.

  “Tell me...”

  “This Grendel,” Zyra said, interrupting Alex. “He is one of their war chiefs, is he not?”

  “I ... guess so.”

  “His name?”

  “Grulg.”

  “Interesting. Prior to our arrival here, I received some inquiries on him through our diplomatic channels.”

  “Diplomatic channels?” Alex replied. “I thought they had been severed.”

  “They had been. They were re-opened without warning, questioning why he had been taken hostage.”

  Uh oh.

  “Questioning?” Alex asked. “They do realize we are in a state of war, do they not?”

  “I did not have a chance to request clarification,” Zyra replied. “Our mission here took priority.”

  “Just as well,” Alex replied dismissively.

  “They know,” I said, sensing a potential opportunity.

  “Know what, Freewill?”

  “Grulg’s a loyal soldier,” I explained. “I learned that much up in the Woods of Mourning. He’s all into their dogma.”

  “And we should care why?” Kathryn asked.

  “We shouldn’t,” I replied, “except that whatever he knew, he no doubt told his superiors. Think about it. They just signed the Magi to their side, a big win if ever there was one. Well, the mages didn’t join up because of any hippie shit involving nature.”

  Alex nodded. “Our intelligence suggests Ib revealed her presence to Magi covens a few days ago.”

  I hesitated for a moment, not really wanting to divulge more than I should, but then remembered the minions here had all been compelled to forget everything. As for the Dracs, hopefully Alex had brought them up to speed. If not, they were about to get a crash course.

  “Calibra, Ib, the White Mother ... all the same person. We know this, but I’m willing to bet she omitted the Ib part when she revealed herself to all those mages. She had to know doing that would make it less the second coming and more a remake of Fright Night.”

  “Yes, Freewill. As I said, we had surmised as much.”

  “That’s why the Feet are asking about Grulg. He knows how to find Ib. The Feet know we have him. What he knows jeopardizes their new alliance. So of course they’re going to be desperate to get him back.” I almost had to smile. Such a nice web of bullshit I’d weaved. Now for the coup de grace. “And if they can’t get him back, they’re going to make sure he can’t talk.”

  I stood there enjoying the silence for a moment. Sparing a glance toward Colin, I grinned, putting every ounce of smugness I could into it.

  Goddamn, some days being petty felt so good.

  I was just about to ask Alex if he had any further questions when the room around us began to rumble. Nothing major, more like what one would expect from a large truck driving outside.

  Except there wasn’t any traffic of the sort last I’d been out there.

  A booming sound came from outside that rattled the windows like a thunderstorm passing overhead. What the...?

  The rattling grew worse until a set of windows on the north side of the building shattered just in time for something big to come falling out of the sky past them – something big and metallic. Kind of like a helicopter, one that was engulfed in green flame.

  The fuck?!

  Being petty felt good, but lately being right felt a lot less so.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  The deafening squeal of metal crunching into more metal sounded from outside, and everyone stepped back as more flames – these the normal color – raced up from below where the copter had crashed.

  That stuff I’d said about our enemies wanting Grulg dead if they couldn’t rescue him had been complete bullshit – a fabrication I’d made up on the spot. Yet there was no denying it.

  The Magi had returned.

  Sadly, there wasn’t much time to contemplate this as the entire building began to shake. Cracks appeared along the walls and plaster fell from the ceiling.

  Shit!

  “We need to get out of here!” I yelled, stating the bleeding obvious. Yeah, I was useful like that.

  Colin’s men began to scramble. So too did the majority of the Draculas. Based on Alex’s reaction, or lack thereof, you’d have thought nothing particularly exciting had occurred.

  He pointed a lazy finger Colin’s way and the lackey froze in his tracks.

  “My lord?” he asked tentatively. “The Freewill is right. We must vacate the premises now.”

  Kudos for me. Pity I wasn’t going to be able to enjoy them buried under several tons of rubble if this building collapsed around us.

  Still, I found myself mesmerized by Alex’s calm demeanor.

  “Come on, Bill!” Sheila grabbed my arm
and tried to pull me along. As much as I appreciated it, she also wasn’t the best person for a vampire to stand next to if the ceiling came down, but it was the thought that counted.

  I held up a finger and mouthed “one second” to her. I kind of wanted to see what Alex was up to.

  “Tell me, Prefect,” Alex said in a voice as calm as a summer day. “Did you, by any chance, properly ward this building prior to our arrival?”

  All the color drained out of Colin’s face, quite the feat for someone who had a tan rivaling that of the Pillsbury Doughboy.

  All at once, I understood. They weren’t here for Grulg. No. A far more appealing target were all sitting in the same unfortified room – the entirety of the First Coven, with us as a bonus.

  The mages couldn’t scry Sheila, that much I knew, but the floor Colin had cleared was big enough so that her power didn’t hold sway over it all. It was nothing more than dumb luck that she and I were here now.

  Just great. We were going to die, too, as little more than the bloody icing on Ib’s cake of death.

  Alex’s eyes continued to bore into Colin as more magical explosions rocked the building.

  Finally, the little weasel stammered, “Forgive me, my...”

  Before he could finish the sentence, Alex was across the room and standing in front of him. “Your incompetence grows tiresome,” he said softly, barely audible to my ears over the din of battle.

  With that, he backhanded Colin, the sound like a thunderclap even with what was going on outside. The greaseball went flying as if he’d been shot out of a cannon, slamming into one of the outer walls and then straight through it where I lost sight of him in the dust and smoke beyond.

  Ooh, bet that hurt.

  I turned to Sheila, a smile on my face. “Now we can go.”

  Watching the World Burn

  We ran for the exit. None too soon, as it felt like the place was shaking apart around us.