The Tome of Bill Series: Books 5-8 (Goddamned Freaky Monsters, Half A Prayer, The Wicked Dead, The Last Coven)

by Rick Gualtieri

  It gradually died down to a dull roar in my head. Once I was sure nothing important in my brain was going to rupture, I took a look around. Save for the Dracs and Sheila, everyone else in the room stood at attention, their eyes glazed as the compulsion took hold. Heh, even Colin was caught up in it. If I didn’t think it would violate Alex’s definition of being civil, I’d have taken advantage of the moment and cock-punched the weasel.

  Hold on. Creepy eyeless guy seemed to be fine, too. If anything, he appeared to be cackling soundlessly at everything playing out. Why was there always one nutjob in the crowd?

  “Now, where were we? Ah, yes. Prefect Kennelsbeth, I believe you were offering your explanation as to the events that transpired.”

  Colin’s eyes cleared, the glaze replaced by panic. “Y-yes, my lord,” he stammered. “The culling left us understaffed. I had to order the remaining men to triple their efforts in the repairs.”

  “And you did not think to postpone the culling until after the repairs were finished?” an ugly, grey-haired troll of a Drac with warts on his nose asked. I was glad to see not everyone in the room was a fashion show reject.

  “I ... interpreted Lord Alexander’s orders as being of utmost importance to carry out immediately.”

  “You thought to interpret orders as you saw fit? You...”

  “That will be enough, Gaius,” Alex interrupted. “Indeed that was my intent.”

  “It was perhaps a short-sighted intent, brother,” Yehoshua said. “How many were culled that didn’t need to be?”

  “The threat of Ib is not to be taken lightly,” Alex fired back. “We have already been made fools once by her. I will not sit back and let our ranks be infiltrated by her minions because we were too soft-hearted to do what needed to be done.”

  Soft-hearted? The Draculas? Holy shit, if that wasn’t a paradox worthy of ending all life in the universe, I didn’t know what was.

  “Prefect Kennelsbeth is the Wanderer’s protégé, is he not?” Alex continued. “He has served us honorably for centuries. I would trust his instincts in carrying out...”

  “Was not the deceiver Ib also pretending to be a student of the Wanderer?” Troll-Faced Gaius asked. “Hers was a cancer that grew in our midst unseen for eons. Why should we offer this creature any quarter knowing he might be in league with her? For all we know, he himself opened the gates to the Grendel and invited them in.”

  “No!” Colin cried out, then, no doubt remembering he wasn’t protected by any truce, quickly added, “My apologies. I meant no disrespect, my lords. I would never do such. I would have defended my post to the death had it come to it.”

  “Then why did you not?” Gaius asked. I got the impression this guy didn’t like Colin too much. I wasn’t quite ready to team up with him, though. Dude looked pretty ornery, the sort who didn’t really like anyone. Still, even I was curious how the fucking greaseball was gonna weasel his way out of this one.

  “The attack came with no warning,” Colin replied, looking a bit desperate. “Had it simply been the Grendel, we would have held, I assure you. But the Magi; they came from out of nowhere. They struck from all sides. Our defenses were smashed before we could properly respond. I myself set the facility to self-destruct, prepared to perish along with our secrets. It was my men who pulled me out.” He gestured toward a group of guards to his left, maybe a third of the people at his disposal. “They disobeyed my orders and dragged me to safety.”

  “Is this true?” Alex asked them.

  Colin’s minions seemed at a loss for words at having been thrown under the bus. Me, I wasn’t surprised. I had little doubt Colin was the first one out the door once things went bad.

  The vamps in question looked nervously at each other, as if hoping one of their number would speak up. Talk about being between a rock and a hard place. It was either take a bullet for your boss or rat him out and hope he didn’t survive.

  That was assuming they could even do so. Fucker could have compelled them to keep their pie holes shut so that...

  My thoughts scattered to the wind as what sounded like a chainsaw echoed throughout the room. It was only when the vamps in question all burst aflame from the inside out that I realized it had been the roar of one of the miniguns.

  “You ... you killed them!” Sheila cried.

  “Indeed,” Alex said. “Our way is one of absolute obedience.”

  “But you didn’t even give them a chance.”

  “Mercy is a privilege these days, one that is not to be doled out lightly.” He turned back to Colin. “I have given you the benefit of the doubt as per your station of Prefect and will consider the matter closed for now.” He turned to address the rest of his coven. “Our intelligence has confirmed a decrease in Grendel hostilities worldwide since this incursion. This is curious considering the recent offensive by the Magi, up until recently considered a neutral party. Our enemies should be primed to strike a critical blow against us, but they have not.”

  “It is possible they are taking advantage of the zealotry of their new allies, utilizing them as fodder so as to conserve their own strength,” the sour-faced bitch who’d talked smack to me earlier said.

  “Perhaps, sister Kathryn,” Alex replied. “The declaration of war by the Magi has been sporadic, however. Some cells have reasserted their neutrality, while others have engaged wholeheartedly in this mad affair. They have to know that a non-unified front will simply not work against us, even now. The Grendel, too. A coordinated, global effort on their part, all striking simultaneously, would have been disastrous for us. Instead, they allowed the element of surprise to pass.”

  Yehoshua lifted a hand to stroke his beard. “Do not dismiss them as a threat so lightly, brother. The loss here is a significant one, and many other covens are reporting casualties as well.”

  Alex dismissed that with a wave of his hand. “Scattered attacks at best, many of which have not been particularly strategic in nature. It is chaotic, the work of novices. Our ancient enemies might be lesser beasts, but they have played this game long enough to have grown cunning. I see none of this at play now.” He turned back to Colin. “Which brings us to why we are here to begin with. I believe you said you had information that could be of use.”

  Colin spared a momentary glance my way, a grin replacing the panic. He’d no doubt noticed my earlier glee at his dilemma and decided payback was gonna be a bitch.

  This time I was ready for him, though.

  “Yes, my lord,” Colin began. “Earlier this day, we observed figures emerging from the unnaturally grown woods nearby – what appeared to be two vampires and a human dragging a third injured party. They were accompanied by one of the Grendel.”

  “Prisoners?” Yehoshua asked.

  “Or traitors,” Gaius added. Oh yeah, let the ass-fucking begin.

  “Unknown at the time, my lords,” Colin replied. “I wisely told my men to hang back and observe. We watched as one of them approached the ruins of our once great fortress and then leapt inside as if in search of something.”

  Oh yeah, that. Not my finest moment.

  “Did they find what they were looking for?” Zyra asked.

  “I do not know. You will have to ask the perpetrator yourself.” Almost as if on cue, Colin pointed a finger at me. How surprising.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  “The Freewill?” Alex asked with mock horror. Goddamn, these assholes loved their spectacle.

  “I...” No. Telling them I lost my footing wouldn’t exactly help my standing here. “I was searching for survivors, as I’d like to think any loyal servant of the Boston Prefect would.” And the crowd goes wild as Bill Ryder returns the volley over the net!

  “Very well,” Alex replied. “A judicious answer.”

  “Thanks. I’ve been trying to pay better attention.”

  “But that doesn’t answer the question of the company you were keeping or what you were doing here. I thought we had agreed to share informat
ion. I would hate to think I am the only one upholding our arrangement.”

  Before I could answer, Colin jumped back in. He was probably sensing a noose around my neck and hoped for a chance to kick the chair out from beneath me. “The other vampire was Sally Sunset, member of Village Coven and former master of the no longer extant Pandora Coven. The human is an associate of the Freewill’s. There is something odd about him that we may wish to...”

  Alex waved his hand in a hurry along motion. Hah! As if mere humans were worth his time ... even ones that melted when exposed to Faith magic.

  “Sorry, my lord.”

  “The final member of their party? The injured one?”

  “The Icon, my lord.”

  “Truly?” Alex replied, tenting his hands beneath his chin.

  “How is that possible?” Yehoshua asked. If he was still miffed about Thea, he wasn’t showing it, at least not at the moment.

  “That was my question as well,” Colin replied. “I naturally assumed them to be imposters and set my men upon them. It was only some time later, after we’d suffered even more losses, that I realized their identity was true. I, of course, immediately deferred to your standing orders of cease-fire.”

  “Good man, though I would expect no less,” Alex said, earning a pleased grin from Colin’s smarmy mug.

  “Of course not.”

  Alex turned toward us. “Are you injured, my dear? Do you require medical assistance?”

  She glanced my way for a second, a questioning look in her eye. She hadn’t been expecting that. “Um, no. I mean, I’m okay now. Thank you for asking.”

  Alex’s mouth spread in a smile. It was probably meant to be comforting, but he’d drawn his fangs, thus giving it a predatory leer. “I am thankful to hear that. Know that so long as we are bonded by our word, I will do all I can to assure your safety. Alexander of Macedon brings death to his enemies, but forever stands by an ally.”

  Sheila gave him an uncomfortable nod back.

  “Perhaps I will ask one of our physicians to examine you nevertheless, just to be certain. I, of course, insist.” Before she could say a word, he turned back to Colin. “This is all very interesting, Prefect, but what does it have to do with furthering our cause?”

  Colin appeared miffed that two of his potential brownie points had been seemingly glossed over, but he quickly composed himself. “I was just getting to that, my lord.” He clapped his hands and addressed his remaining men. “Bring forth the final member of their party. Bring forth the Grendel.”

  Open Mouth Insert Foot

  Grulg was only semi-conscious as they dragged him in. Despite being surrounded by enough vamps to make escape nigh impossible, they weren’t taking any chances. Thick chains bound him and heavy manacles hung around his wrists and ankles. It wasn’t dissimilar to how a human prisoner might be shackled for transportation, except that his restraints looked about a hundred pounds heavier.

  The floor creaked beneath the big ape’s weight, reminding me this was all happening in some poor schmuck’s former living room and that Grulg was about to be judged by folks sitting on IKEA furniture. Just a wee bit surreal.

  As he passed us, Grulg shook his head as if clearing the cobwebs. He turned our way and we locked eyes. I couldn’t help but feel guilty. A member of the race who most hated us in this world or not, I hadn’t wanted this. All the same, we had friends who needed saving. There was never really a choice.

  A snarl crossed Grulg’s face and, despite his sorry state, he lunged at us. The guards escorting him were all armed with cattle prods, though, and he fell to his knees twitching before he could take more than a few steps.

  “This is wrong,” Sheila said quietly, turning away from me.

  “I know.” I reached out to put a hand on her shoulder, but then thought better of it ... only partially because of the company in the room. “But remember what I told you. This is our world now, and it’s not a very nice place.”

  She glanced over her shoulder and gave me a sad smile. “I seem to remember throwing that back in your face not too long ago.”

  “Yeah. I think maybe it’s something we both need reminding of.”

  Grulg was brought before the First Coven. At that point, Colin’s men stopped and looked around, seeming confused. That’s when I realized they were trying to find something to secure him to. Hah! Good luck. It would take a lot more than some drywall anchors to hold him in place.

  “That will not be necessary,” Alex said with a sigh after a few moments. He waved them off, then stepped forward. Grulg growled and tensed his legs – as best he could anyway – as if to attack.

  “You know who I am?” Alex asked, sounding almost bored.

  Grulg snarled, then spat a blood-soaked loogie at Alex’s feet.

  If this was meant to intimidate the once and would-be future conqueror, it didn’t. He took another step forward, well inside Grulg’s limited reach.

  “Lord Alexander?” Colin asked, but Alex shut him up with a sideways glance.

  “Know this, beast,” Alex said, “I am Alexander of the First Coven. I have slain thousands of your kind with my bare hands. The exact number is unimportant, but know I could drown you in a river of the blood I have spilled from your brethren.”

  If Alex was trying to goad Grulg, he was doing a hell of a job. The Bigfoot’s eyes opened wide in rage and he bellowed a roar that shook the floorboards. He reached out with his cuffed hands and grabbed Alex by the throat.

  Much as I felt guilty, I still took a small measure of enjoyment from it.

  That is, until Alex peeled Grulg’s hands off with seemingly little effort. It was quite the sight to watch. Alex wasn’t a particularly tall guy – a bit below average, actually – so watching him power an eight-foot gorilla to its knees was pretty damn mind-blowing. Sally had proven time and again that size meant nothing in the supernatural world, but that didn’t mean seeing it happen would ever stop surprising me.

  Once Grulg was down to eye-level, Alex bitch-slapped him for good measure. The sound was like a crack of thunder in the enclosed space. Grulg’s head whipped to the side and he spat out a tooth. Ooh!

  With that, Alex turned and walked back to his lounge chair. “Know that each of my brothers and sisters is capable of the same. I say this so you know that escape is impossible. Have I made myself clear?”

  Grulg stared at Alex with hateful eyes, but Alex stared right back until Grulg broke contact.

  Finally, acknowledging that he’d been beaten, Grulg said, “T’lunta clear.”

  “Good. That was not so hard, was it? Remember your station and this need not end badly.” He then addressed Colin. “You said he was with the Freewill, did you not?”

  “Yes, my lord.”

  Here it comes.

  As expected, Alex turned my way, that bemused look reappearing upon his chiseled mug. “Please enlighten us, Freewill. I always look forward to your unique take on circumstances.”

  I was sorely tempted to tell him to take a flying fuck off the nearest church steeple at high noon. Instead, I told him the truth ... or at least a heavily edited version. Hey, I was trying to cover my ass. Discussing the unsanctioned peace conference was probably best saved for another day.

  I told them of how Sally and I had been captured by the Jahabich during our time in Vegas. How Grulg was a fellow prisoner with whom I’d formed a temporary truce in order to escape.

  “Calling upon the provisions of the Humbaba Accord despite it being in abeyance?” Alex asked. “Resourceful.”

  “Grulg should have died,” the Sasquatch moaned. “Then at least T’lunta die, too.”

  Colin waved a hand and one of his people jabbed Grulg with a cattle prod, shutting him up.

  “That will be enough, Prefect,” Alex said well after the fact. Quite the merciful fellow. “If I may be presumptuous for a moment, Freewill, shall I assume you and this creature followed separate routes to freedom?”

 
“Bingo,” I replied. “We caved in our escape tunnel with explosives, but I’m willing to bet monkey boy here hadn’t thought that far ahead.”

  “And why are we just now learning you have seen the lair of the enemy with your own two eyes?” Gaius asked. That guy was starting to annoy me a bit. He’d been mostly silent during our trial, but now seemed to find his voice. Apparently someone shit in his cornflakes this morning and he was here to take it out on the rest of us.

  “For starters, at the time, we didn’t realize the significance of it. I mean, the Jahabich incursions up to that point had mostly been localized. Later on, well, we were busy being tried for our lives and then carrying out our sentence. Nobody seemed particularly interested in seeing our vacation photos while that was all going on.”

  “I am not Alexander, boy. I do not find you amusing. You would be well advised to mind your tone.”

  I mulled that over for a moment. The safe thing to do would be to apologize respectfully. But there was no safe anymore, not really.

  The dull anger that had been threatening to take over reared itself in the back of my head. There was no way I was letting it out now. Not with this crowd. Even with Dr. Death’s power, that was a losing strategy. But I let some of it seep in regardless.

  “How about you mind my dick and use it to go fuck yourself instead?”

  And with that, all eyes in the room were on me. Ah, gotta love the spotlight.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Stunned silence met my response. Heck, from the look on Gaius’s face, you’d have thought I’d walked up, dropped my pants, and cock-slapped him right there.

  Even Sheila’s mouth was agape.

  I realized I probably should keep going. If I insulted this asshole and left it at that, I was dead. A cherry needed to be put on top, one that ensured I walked out of here alive – a position I’d just put into considerable peril.

  Throwing Sheila a quick wink, I turned to the front of the room before they could sentence me to immediate execution. “Let’s get something straight, guys. You’re the ruling council, I accept that. But right now, I’m under protection of truce and the reason for that is because you need me.”