Every Step of the Way: (Smugglers Cove #1)

by Anna Lindgren

  The evil look in her eyes makes me want to reach across and slap the smirk off her face. I clench my fists in an effort to refrain from making a scene.

  “Go away, Samantha,” I say crossly.

  “Just don’t say I didn’t warn you,” she says with a flip of her hair before returning to her table of minions.

  I walk outside, the cool air piercing my skin. I breathe deeply into my lungs, trying to ease the betrayal I feel. Is Samantha telling the truth? She can’t be. Jake wouldn’t ever tell her anything about me, about us. Pacing the boardwalk allows my heart rate to slow down before I return inside.

  Samantha’s words continue to ring in my head, I’ve never even talked about leaving Smuggler’s Cove. I love it here; this is my chosen home. I feel like I am exactly where I’m supposed to be.

  I walk back inside, not wanting to worry anyone. I grab the food from the kitchen and take it back to the table, trying to act normal but heavily aware that my walls are building back up, and I fear there isn’t a single thing I can do to stop them.

  I glance toward Jake who smiles back at me. I’m not sure what my face looks like, but his drops upon laying his eyes on mine.

  “Is everything okay?” he asks concerned.

  “Yep,” I say as I take a bite of my halibut and chips. I turn back to the rest of the table and try to seem light and airy, knowing I am likely failing miserably.

  I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to have this conversation here. I feel stupid for believing Jake, for believing Samantha. I turn to look toward her table, and she waves her fingers at me. I flip her my middle finger and watch as her face falls. I hear Jake chuckle as I whip my head to look at him.

  “You’ve got class,” he says to me and kisses my forehead.

  “She’s being a real bitch,” I say.

  “I have no doubt about it. She stopped me on my way over here when I was getting our drinks”. He takes a sip of his beer pulling me closer. “She asked what I was doing here with you. I said we were together. I hope that’s okay with you.”

  My stomach drops as I hear him say the word together. Samantha must’ve been jealous, I think. I smile at him and nod my head, easing the tension, letting him know it’s okay with me that he put a label on it, on us.

  He reaches over and grabs my hand, his rough skin rubbing against mine, consuming my small hand in his strong one. This feeling is too familiar. This doubt and fear. The rollercoaster of uncertainty. The intoxication of it all seemingly so appealing but in a while it fades and exhaustion takes its place.

  Even though I believe Jake, it doesn’t replace the doubt I feel now. It doesn’t erase my history of trusting men who weren’t trustworthy. It doesn’t change how, as much as I want to, I still don’t think I can do this.

  I look over at Jake’s profile as he smiles, telling a story to Ryan and Hilary, the way his eyes crinkle at the corners from laughter. I’m swept up in him. Consumed by him in every word he speaks, the electric touch of his body against mine. I’ve felt this way before, and it has ended in detonating nuclear explosions demolishing everything in its way, destroying my path forward and obliterating my core foundation of who I am.

  I don’t want to be consumed by love in the way my mother was when I was a child. I don’t want to be devastated when Jake chooses to walk out of my life one way or another. I would rather live a life alone than risk losing myself in all of him.

  The thought hits me like a speeding train crashing against a steel wall. I stand up to leave, suddenly not feeling well. The room has started to spin, and my head feels dizzy.

  “Are you okay?” Hilary asks, concern ruminating her voice.

  “No, I don’t… I don’t feel very well,” I say, trying to focus on one object, trying to keep the room from moving.

  “Cammie?” Jake asks as he stands, taking hold of my arm.

  “I need to go,” I say, turning quickly to leave, stumbling into Jake. His strong arms wrap around me, steadying me on my feet.

  “I’ll go with you,” he says, his hand stroking along my back.

  “No, it’s okay,” I say.

  “I’m coming with you,” he directs in that strong, steady voice of his.

  I turn to walk out of the bar, calling “Happy Birthday” over my shoulder at Hilary who waves her goodbyes. Once outside, I feel like I can breathe again. I suck the oxygen up as though I’ve been deprived for hours.

  Jake falls in line with me and rests a hand against the small of my back, rubbing comforting circles across my spine. I toss a hand up in his direction. “Please, stop.”

  He pulls his hand from my back.

  “I can’t.” I breathe deeply trying to calm the hysteria threatening to take over. “I can’t do this, Jake.” I motion between the two of us. “It’s too much. It’s too strong. I’m not cut out for it.”

  The wind whips my hair out of my face and tosses it into the wind. “Cammie.” Jake’s tone is cautionary.

  “Don’t,” I say, holding up a hand against his chest. “Please, don’t.” I feel tears prick the my eyes.

  “Cammie,” he says again, grabbing hold of my hand that rests against his chest. “You promised not to do this. You told me you’d give me a chance.”

  I nod, biting my bottom lip. “I know, but that was before.” I choke the words out, my voice breaking as I say them.

  “Before what?” His voice devastated and confused.

  “Before I realized …” I’m falling in love with you.

  “Before what?” he asks again, his patience wavering.

  I place a hand to my forehead. “I don’t know. I’m sorry,” I say, a tear falls from my eye. Jake steps toward me and thumbs the tear from my cheek.

  “It’s been a long week,” he says, taking my hand in his once more. “Let’s get you home so you can rest before we get up early for derby fishing.”

  I nod in agreement, realizing the discussion is far from over but I don’t have the energy to have this talk, knowing when I run away, Jake will come chasing. He doesn’t give up easily, which is something I’ve known of him since I met him.

  He’s stubborn, and he goes after what he wants… I’m just not sure I can be what he needs.

  Sixteen

  Jake

  My alarm clock blares at two-forty-five the following morning. “Got to love derby fishing,” I groan. I roll off the couch at Ryan’s and start to pull on my change of clothes. I can hear the wind howling through the cracks in Ryan’s apartment. I peer out the window, and although it’s barely light, I can see white caps fill the channel.

  “Looks like it will be a rough day,” I hear Ryan say as he steps out of his bedroom.

  “Sure does.” I’m surprised they didn’t move the derby date with the storm we’re getting. Fifty-mile-an-hour winds and eight- to ten-foot swells in the channel.

  We pack up and head to the dock. When we arrive, I see Hilary and Cammie sitting in Hilary’s car. I can see the worry across Hilary’s face. I nudge Ryan to get his attention. When he sees her, he jumps out of the car, striding toward her side.

  I open my door and hop out, walking over to where Ryan’s standing.

  “If you don’t want to go, we don’t go,” Ryan says easily.

  “But…” I can see the tear streaks along Hilary’s face. “But Cammie wants to go. She’s never done it before.”

  Cammie and I didn’t fully resolve our discussion last night. If I’m honest, I’m upset about how she keeps pushing me away despite my efforts to be patient, to be a steady constant in her life.

  “Cammie and I can still go,” I say reassuringly to Hilary.

  “Are you sure?” Hillary asks. “It looks really rough.”

  The wind whips through the car, whistling as it moves through. The boats rub against the dock just below the ramp. “We’ll be safe. If Cammie wants to go, we’ll go.”

  My frustration is notable, clouding my judgment. We need to have this talk, and if the only time I get to have her alone is today out
on the water in shit weather, then so be it. “She likes the water anyway,” I say with a small smile—one Cammie returns.

  “I’ll still go if you think it’s safe,” she says in hushed tones.

  I walk down the ramp alongside Ryan and am surprised by how much the dock tosses in the waves.

  “They really should have canceled the derby,” I say to Ryan as we stumble toward the skiff.

  “You scared, Davis?” I hear Charlie mock me from his large fishing vessel.

  “Easy for you to say in your dad’s big-ass boat, Charles,” Ryan spits at him.

  Charlie smiles, shaking his head as he walks back inside of his cabin.

  Ryan lowers his voice. “You sure you want to go out today?”

  “Yeah, we’ll be safe,” I say as I turn to see Cammie struggling to balance behind me. “Thanks again for letting us use your skiff.”

  “Of course, I’m not going to go out and worry Hilary more than she already is.” Ryan says, sure of his decision.

  Moments pass before Cammie and I are in the skiff, slowly moving out of the harbor. The waves have made it around the breakwater and are creating wakes that toss boats with ease. We won’t be going far, just around to the point, about a five-minute ride at full speed.

  Cammie and I don’t speak the entire way out to the point. When I kill the motor to start baiting hooks, I look over at her. She’s bundled up in her black raincoat and rain pants. Her hood is pulled tight around her face, the wind rippling through the extra fabric of her gear. I admire how beautiful she looks here against the gray backdrop of the sea and rain.

  “Are you going to talk to me about last night?” I call over to her, my voice getting lost in the wind.

  She turns toward me. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”

  “I want you to be honest with me,” I say, the irritation rising in my voice as I put the first pole in the water. “What was that all about?”

  “You don’t get it,” She shakes her head with a scoff. “You wouldn’t understand.”

  “Try me,” I test her.

  “Your dad loved you, Jake. Mine said he did but chose to walk out of my life anyway.”

  I wait for her to continue speaking as I bait another hook and place the pole into the water. The skiff gets tossed around in the water by the waves and blown in whatever direction the wind deems fit.

  “I don’t know how to do this,” she says the words again, and a pang of hurt shoots through me.

  “What is there to know how to do?” I ask, frustrated. “You act like you’re the only one risking anything in this relationship.”

  She swallows a lump in her throat, “I don’t know how to be the kind of person you need me to be,” she says, turning to me, blinking away tears.

  “I just want you to talk to me. We’re in this together. I’m going to mess up sometimes, too, and it terrifies me. I need to know you aren’t going to run away when I do,” I plead.

  “It’s not that simple.” She tosses her head into her hands.

  “Yes, it is, Cammie. You just have to trust me.”

  “No, it’s not,” she shouts at me. “If my dad had died, I could understand. I could at least make sense of it all. I would, at least, never have to worry or wonder if I was worthy of love.” She cries. “I’d never have to wonder why I wasn’t enough to make him stay.” She sobs and tries to catch her breath, rain pelting along her raincoat, the wind blowing her hair toward me. “People always leave and you know what? I do just fine on my own.”

  “Bullshit,” I say and watch as she clenches her jaw, her eyes piercing through mine before looking away.

  When she looks back at me, her eyes cloud over. “You and I both know you are going to leave the minute you realize I’m not worth staying for.”

  My heart rips through my chest as the words ring between my ears. I’m pissed at Cammie’s dad, and I wish she’d never met the guy who cheated on her and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it. She’s never going to trust me and I’m sitting here watching her slip away.

  “I’ve been trying to be the good guy, the calm reasonable one. I have respected your boundaries and your back and forth behaviors of hot and cold. I don’t even know what you want,” I shout at her.

  She wipes a tear from her face.

  “Or was this all some sort of a sick game to you, some last hurrah before you go back to Colorado? I mean, Jesus, Cammie,” I wipe a hand down my face, drying it from the rain. “Did you ever even want me?”

  “Of course I did,” She shouts and stands over me.

  “Sit down,” I order as the waves toss the skiff back and forth.

  “No,” She cries, folding her arms across her chest.

  “Sit down, Cammie,” I say as I stand above her, killing the motor.

  “I need you to listen to me, to see how fucked up I am,” she says.

  “I’m only going to leave because you keep pushing me away,” I challenge.

  “Sure,” Cammie becomes disengaged and emotionless. “Whatever you say.” I want to reach out to her and show her how much I care about her, but I can’t. I can’t keep being the only one putting in the effort. At some point, I need her to show me she’s willing to fight for me, too. To fight for us.

  Rain starts puddling in the boat and the wind abruptly shifts directions. “Cammie, please sit down,” I plead.

  “No,” she yells. “Jake, you deserve so much better than what I can be. You don’t want someone who’s broken. I can’t be the person you deserve and I don’t know if I’ll ever believe you won’t leave,” she swipes a tear from her face. “And because I don’t know if you’ll leave, I won’t get close to you. I won’t allow myself to break again,” She sobs. “I can’t be the person you want me to be,” she cries as tears stream down her face.

  I shake my head, frustrated at the absurdity of it all. How she can’t see the version of herself I get to see every single day. The beauty found beneath the fear and the freedom begging to be let out. I see it in her whether or not she can see it herself.

  “Stop trying to push me away, damnit!” I step toward her. “Can’t you see I’m falling in love with you?”

  She holds up her hands, stopping me in my tracks. “What’d you say?”

  I wipe a hand down my face, flicking the water from it, as I stare at her. I admire her opposition of beauty and distress in the words I have spoken, her heaving chest rising and falling with every breath. Her legs wobbly as the waves grow bigger, continuing to crash against the skiff.

  I move toward her again, resting myself against her raised hands. “I said I’m falling in love with you.” I pull her hands into mine.

  “Don’t,” she says, looking up at me, her bottom lip quivering from emotion. That panicked, animalistic look returning once more. She’s looking to bolt, scanning the boat for a way to escape.

  “Cammie,” I say as she pulls her hands away from mine, stepping backwards. The wind shifts the boat sideways into the oncoming wave. Cammie wobbles as she loses her balance, I reach my hand out for hers but another rogue wave crashes into the skiff, sending sea spray over my body and into my eyes. I wipe a hand down my face and pry my eyes open. I scan the boat, wipe my eyes, and search the boat again. Cammie is nowhere to be found.

  “Cammie!” I shout and look over the side of the boat into the water, realizing Cammie must have been thrown overboard when the wave crashed into us. I don’t see her anywhere. I don’t remember if she was wearing her life jacket. “Cammie!” I shout again as I move around the boat, searching the water below.

  I grab the scanner and call in, “Man overboard, man overboard,” I recite the coordinates of our location. The Coast Guard radios back the deployment of a boat, but by the time they’ll get here, Cammie will have drowned.

  I search the water again and peer out away from the boat farther, not sure how much we traveled with the wind turning us and the waves pushing the boat in its mercy. I squint my eyes out into the water through the heavy rains a
nd make out what looks to be a head. “Cammie,” I call, but the head doesn’t move. “Cammie,” I shout again and start to kick the motor into gear. Just then, I see her face toss up out of the water and gasp for air.

  She’s barely treading water, weighted down by clothing without her life jacket on. Her hair is down nearly suffocating her as it hangs across her face, wet and thick. I try to move the boat closer to her, but I fear she might sink underwater, and with her dark hair and rain gear camouflaged against the gray of the sea, I fear I might hit her.

  Without another thought, I dive into the water. The waves are high enough that I lose sight of Cammie every time one caps. Water splashes into my face, and my body begins to numb out the cold of the sea. I continue to cut through the water, full of adrenaline as I near Cammie. She’s moving, barely able to keep her head above water. I hear her gasping for air before I reach her.

  “Cammie,” I yell again, and I see her turn to me with the last bit of energy she has left before she slips below the surface. Her fingertips fall beneath the surface as I close in on her. I take a deep breath in and dive down to grab hold of her, fighting my life jacket with every pull and kick of my body. I reach her nearly ten feet below the surface, and she clasps her hands around my neck. I struggle to pull both of us toward the surface with the weight of our wet clothing. It feels like minutes have gone by, and I realize my body is running out of momentum. My eyes start to black out as I begin to lose oxygen. The surface of the water is nearing as it becomes lighter.

  Just hang on, I will myself.

  I break through the surface and gasp for air. It takes a moment to catch my breath, and I pull her into me, whispering, “I’ve got you, Cammie. You’re safe. We’re going to be alright.”

  She coughs up water. I pat her back with silent encouragements to keep coughing it out. She clings to me with all the strength she has left as I start to swim toward the boat. I swim on my back and let Cammie rest on top of me, hanging onto my life jacket. The boat has moved farther away from us as the wind continues to carry it. I keep my eyes locked on the boat as we make our way toward it, finally reaching it. I leverage Cammie into the boat before pulling myself to safety.