by Helen Lacey
“I don’t know if you’d call it that,” he teased.
“Just us, then,” she ventured, and touched his chest. “I was so scared, you know, when you were in hospital. I thought... I thought that our baby might never know his father, and it terrified me.”
“You said you needed me.”
She gasped and propped up on one elbow. “You heard that?”
“I heard everything. I heard the doctors talking, I heard Ellie crying, I heard Jake come into the room and tell me to stop faking it,” he said with a wry grin. “And I heard you. In the end, you were all I heard.”
The admission was wrenched from somewhere deep, from the place he never let anyone see. She knew that about him. She knew how tightly wrapped he kept his feelings. Even telling her he loved her for the first time had taken him six months, despite knowing he was utterly in love with her almost from their first date. He didn’t make rash decisions. His entire life had been about doing the right thing, staying on the right path, thinking of everyone else first. He knew back then that loving Tess meant changing his life and his family. Taking a risk. He’d had to be sure.
“I’m glad you heard me,” she said. “I’m glad it helped you.”
“Me, too,” he said, and stroked her arm. “I didn’t want our son growing up without me, either.”
“That’s why you didn’t give up? Because of the baby?”
“Isn’t that why you said our son needed me?” he asked quietly. “To get me thinking? To get me feeling?”
“I know you feel things, Mitch,” she said, her eyes flashing brightly as she drew circles with her fingers on his chest. “Back then, when we were married, when we were going through...everything,” she said with emphasis, “I knew you were feeling the same things I was feeling.”
“You did? You accused me of being an unfeeling bastard,” he reminded her, remembering the time with a heavy heart. “Afraid to feel anything.”
She nodded. “I knew you were grieving and unhappy, and I think I was drowning in too much of my own grief to see it at the time. But I know now... I know I was wrong to accuse you of being cold and unfeeling and too afraid to show your emotions.”
Mitch stilled. “How do you know now? What’s different?”
“Because of this,” she said, touching him. “Because we’re—”
“Great sex couldn’t keep us from breaking apart four years ago. I’m still the same controlling jerk you accused me of being time and time again. I haven’t changed, Tess.”
“I have,” she said softly. “And I know what I want.”
“And what’s that.”
She took a long breath and met his gaze, her eyes glistening. “I want to get married again, Mitch,” she said, and smiled. “Please, say you’ll marry me?”
Chapter Twelve
“He said no?”
Tess met her sister’s incredulous stare. “Yep.”
“Um... I thought that marriage was what he wanted?”
“So did I,” she replied, still feeling the hurt of his rejection through to her bones. “He said he’d changed his mind and wanted to only share custody of our child. He said that was all that mattered, all he cared about.”
“And this was after...” Annie’s voice trailed off and she smiled gently. “After you guys, you know.”
Tess’s skin warmed. “I overestimated what it meant, I guess. You know men and women generally think about sex differently.”
It hurt thinking about it. It hurt remembering. After Mitch’s quiet dismissal of her suggestion that they get remarried, she’d returned to her own room, packed her bag and left the ranch the following morning without saying goodbye.
That was a week ago and she hadn’t heard from him since other than his daily text asking her if the baby was okay. Nothing about her. Nothing about them.
She knew from Ellie that he was moving around more, spending the days downstairs in the wheelchair and barking out orders to the ranch hands. So it was business as usual at the Triple C. She also knew Jake was still in town. Tess was back in her Mustang Street house, and Joss’s daughters still came to see her each afternoon, although Joss made himself scarce.
“What are you going to do?” Annie asked, settling herself on the couch opposite.
“What I planned to do when I first came back to town,” she replied. “Have my baby, make some friends, get a job. And stop thinking about Mitch.”
Annie offered a gentle smile. “You know, you never did really explain why you changed your mind about the whole marriage thing.”
“Mitch nearly died,” she said, and stared at her sister. “And I realized I still loved him and I want my child to have both his parents. My son deserves his family. I thought that was what Mitch wanted, too. Epic fail.”
“What a jerk.”
Tess tried to smile and failed. No matter how much she tried to fake it, the hurt and the rejection stung. He had made his opinion about her idea very clear. He wasn’t interested in her proposal. He didn’t want a marriage based on duty and guilt. Marrying for the sake of their son wasn’t a good enough reason. And he clearly didn’t believe she still loved him.
“Are you doing the Thanksgiving thing at the ranch?” Annie asked, and frowned.
Tess shrugged. “I promised Ellie. And since our parents are coming, I need to be there. Frankly, I’d rather be anywhere else than hang out with Mitch at the moment. But, the baby is only a couple of months away, I really need to get over it. We have birthing classes starting soon and I know he wants to be a part of that.”
“I could be your birthing coach?” Annie suggested.
“I know,” Tess replied. “But this is something Mitch and I need to do together. By the time the baby comes he’ll be out of the cast and back on his feet.”
Annie nodded. “If it’s any consolation, I’ll be there for the holiday to give you moral support.”
“Having you close helps,” she said to her sister. “I don’t know what I’ll do when you leave for Colorado.”
Annie laughed. “Who says I’m leaving? I haven’t decided.”
“Is your online love getting cold feet?”
“He’s not my anything. We’re friends. And besides, the kids wouldn’t understand.”
“And David?”
“Doesn’t see anything other than numbers and stats. I’m not sure he’d even notice if I left.”
Tess wasn’t so sure. “I think he would.”
Annie shrugged loosely. “Maybe. So, I hear you’re making the stuffing?”
Tess smiled and they chatted for a while about the upcoming holiday. When her sister left, Tess’s cell pinged with a message from Mitch. She replied that the baby was fine. And then nothing.
The following Thursday, Tess headed to the McCall ranch around eleven. Her mother and stepfather had arrived the day before and were staying with Annie. She was so happy to get a hug from her mom that she lingered longer than usual.
As expected, they were concerned when she explained a little about her relationship with Mitch. Her mother knew how much she wanted a child and they were delighted to be becoming grandparents. Determined to keep her parents’ concerns at bay, Tess assured them she was happy.
“We’re still worried about you,” her mother, Suzanne Jamison, said. “Although you do look well. And we’re happy you’re living close to Annie. How are things with Mitch?”
“Strained,” she admitted. “But we’re both commited to raising this child together.”
“Don’t forget you need to find a little happiness for yourself along the way,” her mother said.
By they time they arrived at the Triple C, most of the family were already there, except for Hank, who arrived after his shift ended. She met Ellie and Mrs. B in the kitchen and quickly set about making the stuffing for the turkey, doing her best to ignore the sound of Mi
tch’s voice, coming from the front living room where he was hanging out with his brothers. David and Ivan and her stepdad joined the men, while her mom and Annie remained in the kitchen. Ellie was looking at her with a kind of sympathy, and she wondered if Mitch had said something to his sister. She’d never imagined Mitch to be indiscreet, but family was family and since she was clearly not going to be a Culhane again, he obviously thought it was okay to tell everyone about her proposal and humiliate her. She could hear them laughing and joking, and every time she registered Mitch’s voice, her irritation built. He sounded...happy.
How could he be happy when she was miserable?
“Are you okay, Tess?”
She looked at Ellie from across the countertop. “Great. This is fun, don’t you think?”
“Um... Tess,” Ellie said, and glanced toward Mrs. B. “I told him he was stupid for letting you leave. And Jake said he was chicken,” she added, and shrugged. “Can’t think of any reason he’d say that, can you?”
Tess’s skin heated. “Not one.”
Whatever was going on with Mitch, it couldn’t possibly have anything to do with her. He didn’t want her. He didn’t want them. He might love her, but he didn’t want her—he wanted his son and that was it.
Because...she’d wounded his pride. The realization hit her with stunning clarity. She’d hurt him. He’d said he loved her and she replied that it didn’t matter.
Damn him for being the stubborn one now.
Well, he could stop being stubborn and listen to reason.
“Excuse me,” she said as she wiped her hands on a tea towel. “I have to go and talk to Mitch.”
The other women all nodded and she left the kitchen. The living room was decorated for the holidays within an inch of its life. Ellie’s doing, she figured, noticing there was a vacant space ready for the Christmas tree that would soon go up. Oddly, it filled her with sadness. No, not oddly. She knew why. She’d always loved Christmas at the Triple C. Being at the ranch, finding her own life suddenly integrated back with the Culhanes, only made her yearn for her old life back. For the times when she’d been a part of the family, as much of the glue as Mitch. When they would come to her for counsel and conversation. When she was needed. Loved. And one of them.
All the years in between their divorce and returning to Cedar River, where she’d pretended to be happy, where she’d lived a shadow life, working and existing, had somehow faded amid the reality of being back in the Culhane circle. When the baby came, things would change again. Her son would have a father, and uncles and an aunt and cousins. She’d be a mother. But not a wife.
She saw Mitch by the window, sitting in the wheelchair, a beer in his hand. Grant and Joss were on the couch, and Jake was on his cell phone by the fireplace. Hank was settled in the seat in the corner chatting to David, and Ivan and her stepdad were talking together. The brothers were all smiling, making jokes and conversation. And Mitch looked like he wanted to be somewhere else. No one else would know, of course. But she knew his expressions; she understood every tilt of his chin, every tightening of his mouth and jaw.
He looked across the room when he realized she was standing in the doorway. The last time they’d seen one another they had made love. And she’d said she wanted to marry him.
And he rejected me...
Like she’d rejected him, over and over again. Out of resentment. Out of anger. Out of pride. Out of fear. He’d accused her of wanting to punish him for not being who she wanted when they were married, for not grieving with her every time they lost a child, for not understanding how she felt, and then when he threatened to have a vasectomy so she wouldn’t get pregnant again, she’d reacted.
Overreacted...
Of course it hadn’t felt like it at the time. At the time the act of leaving him had felt good. She’d felt vindicated. Avenged. Like she’d won.
In the end, of course, she’d won nothing. Except loneliness and solitude and heartbreak.
Her hand instinctively came to her belly and his gaze narrowed, watching her. Tess experienced an acute connection to him in that moment. Like she had the first time he’d laid a hand on her stomach and felt their baby, and the time they’d shared the joy in watching their child on the ultrasound monitor, or shopping online for baby things, or deciding on a name, discussing schools and their son’s future. Things that made them both happy. Because he’d tried. Since she’d returned to town he’d been patient and considerate and made every effort to reconcile their relationship. She was the one who had put a wall up, who’d insisted a reconciliation was impossible. She’d run hot and cold. Wanting him. Needing him. Then blaming and resenting him for that need.
And still, loving him.
“Hey, Tess, how you doing?” Joss said, and tugged at his collar, clearly sensing what he thought was tension between herself and his brother. But Tess knew differently. It wasn’t tension. It was awareness. It was memory. It was them.
She entered the room and walked around the sofas, coming to a halt in front of Mitch’s wheelchair. His eye was healing, and his gaze was as brilliantly green as always. She looked at him, dressed in a blue chambray shirt, a pair of jeans with one leg cut out to accommodate the cast, his broad shoulders so strong and familiar, and a wave of love washed over her.
And she knew what she had to do. And say.
It was time she told the truth.
“I’d like to talk to you,” she said quietly.
He met her gaze head on. “So, talk.”
Tess glanced around the room for a moment, sensing his brothers, his cousin and her stepfather would like to have the chance to slip from the room. But they didn’t. They stayed. A unified front, she thought. Culhanes through to the bone. Always there for each other. Family. The family she wanted to reclaim as her own.
“Can you guys give us a moment?” Mitch asked, glancing around the room.
David and Hank went to move and Tess waved a hand. “Stay,” she said swiftly. If it had to be said in front of his family, so be it. “You were right. The truth is, I blamed you for everything. In a way, I think I blamed you for every baby we lost. I had no reason to do that. No right,” she added. “But I did it. I was angry and hurt and so afraid of losing myself, if that makes sense. When you didn’t fall apart, too, I resented you...illogically, of course. I thought your silence meant you didn’t care, that you didn’t feel.”
“I cared,” he said.
Tess nodded. “I know, but when you threatened to have a vasectomy to stop me from getting pregnant again, I believed that was the ultimate betrayal, your way of controlling me and us. I didn’t think, for one minute, that it might have been your way of staying sane, you know, of coping. That was selfish of me and and I—”
“Tess, I...”
“So, yes, you were right. But I think you’re so very wrong now,” she said, and held up her hand. “I think you’re wrong not to give us another chance.”
He inhaled sharply. “You said you didn’t want—”
“I know what I said,” Tess cut in and shuddered, taking a breath, garnering her resolve. “I was angry because I thought you were trying to control me again.”
His green eyes glittered. “That’s the problem, isn’t it Tess? You’re always thinking the worst.”
The silence in the room was suddenly deafening. She heard one of his brothers clearing his throat, then another. It should have been awkward and uncomfortable, but Tess wasn’t hearing or seeing anything other than the man in front of her.
She shrugged, her eyes burning. “Not anymore.”
He didn’t respond, didn’t speak, didn’t move. He simply stared at her, his gaze penetrating and impossible to drag her own away from. Tess waited for what felt like an eternity, hoping he’d respond, silently praying he would hold out his hand and draw her close. That he’d forgive her, so they could forgive each other.
B
ut he didn’t.
He remained motionless.
The tears in her eyes gathered, plumping at the corners, quickly falling down her cheeks. She glanced around, saw sympathy in his brothers’ eyes, in David’s eyes, in Ivan’s and her stepdad’s eyes, as though they knew they probably shouldn’t have heard her painful and heartfelt declaration.
“Say something,” she whispered.
When the seconds ticked past and he didn’t speak, Tess wiped the tears from her cheeks, turned and quickly left the room, hurting through to her core.
* * *
Mitch wasn’t sure what shocked him more. Tess’s words or the fact she’d said them in front of a room full of people. She’d always been an intensely private person—it was one of the things that had drawn them together from the first. Something they had in common. He’d hardly discussed their separation and divorce with anyone, only with David and then, later, with Jake. Mostly because he was so ashamed of the failure. He’d failed his wife and marriage. He’d failed his family by not fighting harder to save what they had.
“Well,” Joss said, and shrugged. “That was...interesting.”
Jake moved around the room and stood in front of the window, hands on his hips, and shook his head. “You’re an idiot.”
Mitch was about to scowl and tell his brother to mind his own business when Hank spoke. “He’s right. A complete idiot.”
“Yep,” Grant agreed. “Totally.”
“What the hell do you—”
“Exactly,” Jake said impatiently, interrupting him. “A month ago you wanted to reconcile, right?” He hooked a thumb in the direction of the twins. “At least, that’s what they said.”
“I don’t see how it’s anyone’s business but mine and Tess’s,” he said flatly, hating that he had somehow found himself under the extreme scrutiny of his four younger brothers, his cousin and dad and Tess’s stepfather, and the fact that were all regarding him as though he had lost his mind.
“That’s the thing about this family,” Jake reminded him. “We get to know everyone’s business, whether we like it or not. A precedent, I would like to add, that you set. So, if you want to dish out advice, like you are known to do, be prepared to take it.”
