It told her everything.
***
Carol called three times and Joy let it go to voicemail. Joy deleted her messages before listening to them. She hated to worry Carol, but she wouldn’t be truly worried until Joy didn’t show up for dinner. Right now, Carol would most likely think she was showing a house and couldn’t be interrupted. She called several more times over the course of the day.
Angela called her and Joy answered.
“What the hell is going on? Angela said, her voice laced with concern.
“What are you talking about?” Joy asked. She wasn’t ready to say the words: “Carol might be getting back with Debra.” She couldn’t tell her best friend that her love affair had failed. She had known it wouldn’t last.
Tonight, instead of going home, she would go to Angela’s and spend the night. That way Carol and Debra could talk it out and either make peace and move on or get back together and take up where they left off—a power couple in the art world.
“Joy, really, like, you don’t think Carol has called me worried that she hasn’t been able to get hold of you? Didn’t you think she would?” Angela said.
Joy sighed and then burst into tears, mumbling that Carol had left her for Debra. “I need to stay at your place until I sort things out.”
“Stop crying, you’re making me cry and I’ve got a new client in ten minutes. I can’t look all red-eyed and somber. I want to make a good impression.”
Joy kept sobbing. It seemed like Angela was being callous and concerned only with her own life. Or was it because she had faith in Carol? Joy didn’t have faith in Carol. And that was wrong. She still needed the night to sort out her feelings. Perhaps Carol would do the same thing. Joy gathered herself together. “Will you call and tell her I’m all right? I just need time to think.”
“I don’t understand what there is to think about,” Angela said. “She loves you plain and simple and completely. You have to have faith in her.”
“You didn’t see how cocky Debra was. There she is standing in my kitchen telling me god knows what. I’m so confused. Why would Carol let her in? Debra acted like she owns the place already. She made me feel like I should pack a bag right then. That I’d already lost,” Joy said.
“That’s bullshit,” Angela said.
“You know what else she told me? She said Carol was the one who left her.”
“Who are you going to believe? And it better be Carol. Debra is fucking with your head. Okay, I gotta go. My client is here. I’ll see you tonight. My last appointment is at five. We’ll order Chinese food and talk you back to your senses.”
“You’ll call Carol?” Joy said. She didn’t want Carol to worry about her safety. She knew Carol would be frantic about her heart but Joy needed time to think.
***
Joy didn’t have a house to show that afternoon. She went down to the Castro district to look at Debra’s mural again and try to make sense of it. Who was telling the truth? Perhaps the mural would give her more insight.
She found a parking spot after driving around for fifteen minutes. She parked the Lexus, clicked the lock, and went walking. All the murals in the district were amazing. Debra’s was at the end of the alley and it was stunning. The colors were vibrant, the lines clean, and the images powerful, especially capturing Carol at the center of the mural. This piece was a driving force behind the heartache of two lost lovers.
But what did the murder of crows mean? It could go either way. Carol killed it and the murder of crows flying around pertained to Debra and her lost love, not Carol’s. Could that be true? Joy didn’t know what was true anymore. Debra’s words were careening around her head. She couldn’t get past the thought that maybe Debra and Carol were meant to be, and this hiatus was a bump in the road. That each having their own love affair would then bring them back together stronger than ever.
Had Joy been a plaything for Carol? It hadn’t seemed like it, but how long had she known Carol? Did she really know her? Certainly not like Debra knew her. Joy took one last look at the mural, more confused than she had been before she came. She shook her head and blew out a sigh. She would have to be a big girl and prepare herself for the worst.
Joy spent the rest of the afternoon driving around. The city looked brilliant in the last of the fall colors; the air was growing colder every day. She had planned on spending the holidays with her new love before this morning. Now it would be she and Angela again, like last year. She didn’t want to be alone in Angela’s apartment; it was too depressing. It felt like failure. Here was where she had been sleeping on the couch before she met Carol, and now she was back where she started. Homeless and lost from love.
***
Joy couldn’t bear to go home but she needed to pack. She knew she couldn’t be in the apartment with Carol and perhaps Debra. What else was she supposed to do after last night and what Debra had told her? She was a rebound girlfriend. Joy and Carol had planned things like marriage and a baby long before they were ready. Maybe Carol wanted to go back to her glamorous life and leave off motherhood and a mousy little wife who was as dull as Joy.
She ran into Beryl on the stairs as she came in. “Hello,” Joy said. “Going out?
“I was considering it, but I think not. It might rain and I don’t have an umbrella. Perhaps tomorrow,” Beryl said. “Come up and have a sherry any time.”
Joy burst into tears. This made Beryl uncomfortable. She pulled a cloth handkerchief from the breast pocket of her three-piece dark blue suit.
“I’m so sorry,” Joy said. “I shouldn’t lay this on you.”
“Whatever is wrong, dear?” Beryl asked concerned.
“Carol might get back together with Debra. I got up to find Debra in our kitchen. She had spent the night.”
“Oh, dear. Are you leaving?” Beryl asked.
“Yes. I better get on it before Carol gets home. I can’t see her right now.”
“Oh dear. Well, you come by for a sherry and a shoulder if you need to. Fern and I will be here for you,” Beryl said. “Fern is very good with emotions.” She walked back upstairs.
Joy carelessly threw her clothes into two suitcases. She put her work clothes in a garment bag. She packed shoes and her underthings. Looking around, she checked to see if there was anything else that she needed. She saw the picture of her and Carol at Golden Gate park before they were lovers. Joy would keep that. They’d had something even Debra couldn’t take away. She looked around the apartment and patted Beans, who’d been sitting on top of one of her suitcases. He looked concerned.
“I’m sorry, buddy, but I’m going to be homeless for a while. Maybe I can get custody rights,” Joy said, knowing full well that she had given the cat to Carol. Now Beans would be Carol and Debra’s cat. She hoped Debra would be nice to him. She stroked him. “I’m going to miss you, buddy.”
She finished her packing, took the book she was reading, and quietly left the apartment. She wondered why Beans wasn’t at work with Carol. Had she left him too? She wouldn’t just abandon him like she was abandoning Joy. She turned the lock in the key. She turned around. Fern was standing in the foyer getting the mail. “Oh no, a lover’s spat. How exciting! Make up sex is the best. No worries. It will work out. I’ve seen true love and you two have it. Don’t be gone too long, dear.” She closed the mailbox.
“I hope that’s all this is,” Joy said.
“It is,” Fern said confidently. Joy wished she had Fern’s confidence.
***
Angela stared at the two suitcases and garment bag. “Is this really necessary? I think we’ve got one of those typical lesbian misunderstandings. Why do you think they put them in lesbian novels? It adds tension. You’ve added tension where there doesn’t need to be any,” Angela said.
“Whose side are you on?” Joy asked petulantly. Angela was her best friend. Was she turning on Joy, too?
“There are no sides. I’ve talked to Carol. She is distraught. I think that equals love,” Angela said.
“You didn’t see Debra standing in our kitchen. She acted like she could snap her fingers and Carol would come running.”
“Cocky bitch,” Angela said. “Come on in. The couch has missed you. We’ll have wine and a good chat—the one where I talk you back to your senses,” Angela said.
“Have I really lost my senses?” Joy asked, as she set her suitcases beside the couch and hung her garment bag in the small closet.
“Truth?” Angela said.
“Truth.”
“Yes. You’re making a huge mistake here. Carol loves you. Whatever Debra is up to, it’s only meant to mess you and Carol up. I’d bet that it was her plan all along—to ruin whatever Carol had. You have to remember Carol came out with a better deal than Debra,” Angela said, going to the kitchen for the wine.
Joy flopped down on the couch. Was she destined to have only uncomfortable couches in her life? She batted away thoughts of making love with Carol on the white couch. The last thing she needed was to think about how wonderful Carol was in bed—how they pleasured one another perfectly.
“What do you mean?” Joy said.
“She got the girl,” Angela said. She handed Joy a glass of wine.
“You don’t have to rub it in.”
“I don’t mean Debra. I mean you. Duh, lesbians can be so dense when it comes to relationships,” Angela said. She took a sip of wine and sat down next to Joy on the couch.
“Then that’s what is wrong with us. We’re dense. I was dense enough to think that I could have a woman like Carol,” Joy said morosely. She sipped her wine. It was a nice Merlot. Angela’s shop was making big money. Now Joy wouldn’t be able to go see Angela because she’d have to go by the Boutique. Her entire life was going to have to be rearranged again. And look at what a disaster the last time she rearranged—she’d gotten a sexy roommate she had fallen in love with.
“Stop being morose. This is one big misunderstanding, I’m telling you,” Angela said.
“I don’t think it is. Debra seems like the kind of woman that gets what she wants,” Joy said.
“Remember when you thought you and Rudy might get back together and that was after two years? You told me there was a moment when you wanted to reach over and kiss her in the car when the two of you were alone with your girlfriends waiting at home while you all rented camping gear. Remember that?”
“That was so weird.” Joy’s current girlfriend, Wendy, going camping with Joy and her ex-girlfriend, Rudy, and her girlfriend, Sara. “That’s lesbians for you,” Joy said. “I did want Rudy back on that trip. If I’d had the ovaries I would have told her. Instead, I buried my feelings and let her get on with her life. I regret losing her. If there was one girlfriend I’d take back, it would be Rudy,” Joy said.
“Okay, well maybe that wasn’t such a good example. Most of your ex-girlfriends won’t speak to you,” Angela said. “And neither will mine. Love and hate go together.”
“Why am I so shitty at relationships? Joy asked.
“You and me both, sweetheart.”
***
On day three of Joy’s hiatus from her relationship with Carol, there was a knock on the door. It was five-thirty. Angela was doing a late color appointment so Joy was alone. Her heart palpitated. What if it was Carol? It should be Carol. Joy had a feeling that it was her move on how this all worked out. Joy’s and Debra’s.
She looked through the peep hole deciding whether to open the door or not. She could pretend she wasn’t home. Her Lexus was parked on the street and could be one of many other black cars on a dark street. If it was Carol, she would knock and then go. She peered through the hole. It was Beryl! What was she doing here? Joy immediately opened the door.
“Beryl, what are you doing here?”
“It is of the upmost urgency that I speak with you in person. I am not one for the phone, especially with important business. Fern deals with the phone. She has a plumbing emergency, or she would be here as well. I had to come because I witnessed the exchange through no fault of my own. I was simply standing on the landing preparing myself to go outside. I was locking the door when I heard the yelling. May I come in?” Beryl asked.
“Oh my god, I’m so sorry. Please come in,” Joy said, stepping aside so Beryl could pass.
She looked around the apartment. “Interesting,” she said.
“What do you mean?” Joy said, wondering what sort of refreshment she could offer Beryl. She didn’t have any sherry.
“I’m a student of human nature, I’d say this is the apartment where someone is relaxed and decompresses,” Beryl said, hooking a thumb in her vest pocket.
“You’re very astute. I don’t have any sherry. Is there something else I can get you?” Joy said.
“I’d take a good strong cup of tea.”
“I’ll go put the kettle on,” Joy said.
This meant heating water in a saucepan, as there was no proper kettle, and using old Lipton tea bags. Luckily, tea was good for a long time, or at least Joy hoped so...it used to be transported on ships; certainly, it must last a while. Angela and Joy did live like heathens. Who didn’t have a kettle? Perhaps lots of lesbians, Joy thought in her own defense.
The lack of kitchen gear only served to remind her of her and Carol’s beautiful kitchen and how nice everything was. Joy felt like she had been downgraded. Cinderella was back in the kitchen with no shoes.
“All right, love,” Beryl said. “I will sit on the couch.”
“It’s not very comfy,” Joy called out over her shoulder.
“I find that comfortable furniture is difficult to come by. A scavenger hunt for comfort. I finally have my nest just the way I prefer it.”
Joy had not been into Fern’s apartment. She imagined it was full of fairy stuff—definitely not to Beryl’s taste. No wonder they lived separately.
“You do have a very nice apartment. It’s beautiful in fact,” Joy said, standing in the doorway between the living room and the kitchen while she waited for the water to boil.
“Why, thank you, but that’s not why I’m here.”
“I can’t believe you are here,” Joy said, eyeing the pan of water on the stove.
“I’m sure Fern informed you of my phobia. I am not truly an agoraphobic I just don’t trust in the world. But this is important. Important enough for me to venture outside my building. We’ll wait for the tea. I believe I hear the water boiling. You should really get a proper kettle. It’s very uncivilized,” Beryl said.
“I’ll get on it when I’m through being heartbroken,” Joy muttered.
“I bring good tidings,” Beryl said as Joy walked off.
“I can’t imagine there are any good tidings unless Debra has left the country and even then, who knows,” Joy said, from the small kitchen. She steeped the tea in coffee mugs – they didn’t even have teacups. It was like poor Beryl had gone out and met up with some primitive peoples who barely understood tea. “Do you want milk or sugar?” Joy called out.
“I take it straight up, dear,” Beryl said.
Joy came in carrying the two mugs. Beryl was too well-mannered to mention the complete lack of decorum.
Joy sat down next to Beryl on the couch. Beryl blew on her tea, took a sip, and set it on the coffee table. Beryl couldn’t abide by the tea but at least she had tried it, Joy thought.
If she was to be on her own, she was going to stop living such an undomesticated lifestyle. Joy would surround herself with beautiful things, like her chair and reading lamp. She would buy a painting and have vases full of fresh flowers. Her new digs would be different this time. When she found new digs, of course.
She had already decided to give Carol the apartment. Joy couldn’t imagine living in it by herself with all those memories knocking around the nearly-empty apartment. It would make a great artist’s salon. Lots of room for parties.
“What I came to tell you is that you’re wrong about Carol,” Beryl said.
“That seems to be the general consensus, but no one
got to experience Debra standing in our kitchen, smug as hell and making herself at home, telling me I’m nothing but a rebound,” Joy snipped.
“Dear, every lesbian who finds herself single is on a rebound. All our relationships except the very first one are rebounds. That is a silly argument,” Beryl said. She fortified herself and took another sip of tea. It seemed to go down easier this time. She didn’t wince.
Joy stared into her mug.
“Let me tell you what I heard. This will convince you, I guarantee, and I don’t make those willy-nilly, I mean it. I guarantee this will do it.”
“How?” Joy said.
“At the expense of breaking my own rule about butting into other people’s business, and, in my defense, they were screaming at each other in the foyer, which is technically a public space... I was forced into hearing what was not meant for my ears,” Beryl said. Eavesdropping, in other words, Joy thought.
“You overheard who?” Joy said.
“Why, Carol and Debra, dear. They were having one whopper of a fight. Needless to say, I heard every word of it. The summation is that Carol accused Debra of ruining her life twice. She has lost you because of Debra, who didn’t want her back anyway. Never mind that Carol wouldn’t take her back if she was the last lesbian on the planet. Debra only wanted to ruin what Carol had. It is evident that Debra is evil and cunning, but she is no match for true love,” Beryl said confidently.
“I can’t quite believe this is happening. They really aren’t getting back together?” Joy said.
“Oh dear, they were venomous towards each other. It’s gone from love to heartache to pure hatred. There’s no coming back from that. I don’t like that Debra woman, always snooping around. I have seen her watching the apartment. She had this planned. Surely, she could’ve flopped down at one of her artsy friend’s place. She didn’t need to go to Carol’s that dark and stormy night,” Beryl said petulantly.
Everything Beryl said made sense. The fight was the end of the relationship forever. Ex-lovers hold grudges. A giant fight and they were no longer caught up in each other. It was truly over; Carol was hers. Could it get any better... other than apologizing to Carol who might not take her back because she had doubted her? Joy groaned.
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