Be My Light : A BWWM Romance (Make It Marriage Book 4)

by Nia Arthurs

  I step closer. “Jonas?”

  He notices me. Straightens. Greets me with a nod.

  “What are you doing here?” We rarely meet on campus. The liberal arts college is located all the way across from the gym and basketball court areas.

  The two faculties don’t mix. I see Nellie around campus more than I see him.

  “Nellie got into an accident.”

  My eyes widen. “What? Is she okay?”

  “Yeah.”

  I notice his red knuckles. There’s also a bruise on his chin. “Did you get into a fight?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Jonas—”

  “The jerk rear-ended her car and tried to put the blame on her.”

  “So you hit him?”

  He nods sharply. Unapologetically. Like he’d do it again in a heartbeat.

  I should tell him that was a stupid move. That bursts of anger could backfire. Could get him kicked off the team and banned from the sport he loves so much. The sport that gave him purpose and direction.

  But I don’t.

  “Where is Nellie now?”

  “I took her to the hospital, but…” His eyes shift downward. “I couldn’t stay.”

  I pat his shoulder. “It’s okay, buddy.”

  “No. It’s not.” His eyes blaze. “It’s not okay that I can’t step foot in a freaking hospital, Lucas.”

  Something sharp hits my chest.

  That roiling guilt.

  The regret.

  Damn.

  The darkness is back again.

  Trying to squelch out the joy.

  Trying to swallow me whole.

  “You have your reasons.”

  “You think that’s enough?”

  “Jonas, I’m sure Nellie understands.”

  “This isn’t about her!” He shakes his head bitterly. “It’s not just hospitals. I can’t stand being downstairs in that shop filled with things that remind me of Kate.”

  “Look, I know it’s hard—“

  He swats my hand down. “You don’t know anything.”

  “She was my sister too.”

  “Yeah, but you were gone half the time, Luc. You weren’t there.”

  My heart shatters.

  He’s right.

  I failed my family.

  I let them down.

  I let everyone down.

  Tiny pricks stab the back of my eyes.

  “Jonas…”

  He slides his hands into the pocket of his jacket and shakes his head. “Forget this.”

  “Hey,” I grab his arm, “let’s talk.”

  He brushes me off and storms away.

  I consider going after him, but I stay still. He’s in no position to listen and I’m in no position to give him the comfort he needs.

  Hell, I’m running from the same despair that I saw coursing through his eyes.

  I don’t have any solutions.

  I’m no great example of how to deal with grief.

  I glued the pieces back together with silly string and prayed like hell that it stuck.

  Jonas has every right to be angry.

  Climbing into the driver’s seat, I drop my head against the steering wheel.

  My phone buzzes.

  INA: Are you still coming?

  I force myself to take a deep breath and start the car.

  On the drive, memories of Kate assault me.

  Rapid fire.

  Overwhelming.

  I’m not used to this.

  I’m usually good at pushing her to the back of my thoughts.

  Shelving all the what-ifs that chew at my gut.

  Focusing on the comic book store. On my work. On watching over Jonas.

  Now…

  Kate’s the only thought in my mind.

  The light brown of her eyes.

  The mischievous smile.

  The love for all things comic-book-related.

  So much like our dad.

  But Kate…

  She wasn’t shy about how much she wanted to be like those characters. She’d climb a tree to rescue a cat. She’d escort little old ladies across the street.

  She was a real life hero.

  A crazy daredevil.

  My thoughts fracture as I drive to the hospital.

  I turn the radio on. A guitar-driven rock song screams through the space. Usually, I’d switch the station. But not this time. I let it play. Let the screaming guitar cover the ache in my chest and the throb in my temple.

  But the noise can’t quite hide the memories of Kate in my passenger seat, humming to the latest vapid pop song.

  Her fingers tapping out the rhythm on her thigh.

  Her hair falling over her cheeks.

  Her combat boots hiked up on the dashboard.

  The memories get sharper, clearer.

  Kate begging me to take her to the comic book shop. Boasting about her dream of having her very own store one day. Selling printed T-shirts on the internet to make it happen.

  By the time I stop in front of the hospital, the hollowness in my chest is a violent, gaping hole.

  The emptiness inside is about to swallow me completely.

  There’s a tap on my window.

  Ina is standing outside my car. She’s not in her nursing outfit. It’s something more casual—a simple blouse and jeans. Her brown eyes focus on me. She pushes her finger down at the car lock.

  I nod and motion for her to move back.

  She shuffles away, just enough for me to open the door and step out. As soon as my feet land on the pavement, she’s in front of me.

  “Are you okay? I waved but you didn’t see me.”

  I look into her bright eyes.

  She’s so beautiful.

  So warm.

  There’s this light in her eyes and in her brown skin.

  Closer.

  I need more of that light. I need all of it.

  I reach out to run my fingers down her cheek.

  She flinches, easing back.

  I drop my hand as my breath gets trapped in my throat.

  Right.

  She can’t touch me.

  I’m supposed to teach her how to do that.

  “Lucas, what’s wrong?”

  “I’m fine.” I shake my head. “I’m fine.”

  She studies me.

  I force a smile. “Should we get going?”

  She nods.

  I start to move.

  “Wait.” Ina slides in front of me. “Just… wait.” I watch her take a deep breath. “I’m going to try something.”

  “Try what?” I take a step toward her.

  She hauls herself back and shouts, “Stay right there!” Her chest rises and falls. She licks her lips. “I’ll come to you.”

  Eyes on the ground, she takes one step.

  Then another.

  Then one more.

  And then she’s lifting her arms and settling it around my waist. Her limbs are trembling like jello. I can feel her heated breath hitting my chest through the fabric of my thin, white dress shirt.

  “Ina…”

  “Don’t. I can do this.” She glances up. Into my eyes. They’re terrified, yeah. But they’re full of determination too. “I can do this for you.”

  The dam in my chest breaks.

  I can feel the tears pushing at the back of my eyes.

  Ina hugs me a little tighter. Or maybe I pull her a little closer.

  And even when we break apart, her touch lingers on my skin.

  In the air.

  In the hole in my chest that she filled to the brim.

  Nineteen

  Ina

  I gasp as I step into the dimly lit room overflowing with candles. The scent of lavender fills the air. Behind the fluttering curtain, I spy a slim white cot.

  “What are we doing here?”

  Lucas walks over to a desk filled with lotions, oils and towels. He slips his watch off his wrist. Sets it lightly on the table. “You’re getting a massage.”


  I turn to him, panicking. “From who?”

  “Guess.” His dark eyes glitter in the shadows. With fluid movements, he pops the button on the cuff of his sleeve and rolls it up.

  There’s something about the way he does that.

  It’s manly.

  And sensual.

  And what am I thinking?

  This is Lucas.

  Sure, he’s hot. But he’s more than his chocolate brown eyes and his perfect smile.

  Or those strong legs.

  And the broad chest encased snugly in that white button-down.

  Gosh, why does he look so good with his tie loose?

  I shake my head as my pulse quickens.

  In this steamy orange light, he’s practically screaming I’ll have you begging for my touch.

  But that’s not happening. Even though it already kind of did.

  Not the point.

  Lucas is my friend.

  He’s doing me a huge favor.

  Just because he’s the only man I can touch doesn’t mean I should start objectifying him.

  “You’ve been complaining about back pain recently.”

  “That’s—”

  “Too much tension isn’t good for you.”

  “It’s not that bad.”

  “We’ll see.” He pops the button on the other sleeve and nods to the curtains. “Take off your clothes.”

  I wrap a hand protectively around my chest. “What?”

  He stops. Watches me. Smirks. “There’s a robe.”

  “That I can keep on?”

  “No.”

  “My bra?”

  “Just your panties.”

  “Are you crazy?”

  He tilts his head. “Are we fighting already?”

  “This isn’t a fight.”

  “Maybe not.” He gestures to the cot. “But it is lesson one.”

  I suck in a deep breath. “Lucas—”

  “Yes?”

  “I hugged you.”

  He blinks, his eyes softening. “Yes.”

  “You might not understand because you don’t know what I’ve been through, but the fact that I hugged you today is already a huge deal.”

  “So you’re satisfied with just hugging?”

  “I—”

  “If you are.” He reaches for his watch. “We’ll stop here.”

  I wince.

  Damn him.

  He’s got me backed into a corner and he knows it.

  “Wait.”

  An eyebrow arches. His expression is smug.

  I glance away from him, annoyed. “I’ll do it.”

  “You don’t have to.”

  “I already made up my mind.” I stomp to the curtains and grab the hem of my blouse to haul it over my head.

  As I undress, I rationalize.

  It’s just a massage.

  Lucas will keep his clothes on.

  He’s just going to work out the kinks in my muscles.

  It’s really not that complicated.

  I slide my bra straps off my shoulders. It flaps down my arms. To the slight paunch of my stomach. To the stretch marks on my hips.

  I’m not nervous about Lucas seeing my body. But I am freaking out about being massaged by him.

  If it triggers bad memories…

  It won’t be pretty.

  I suck in a deep breath. Pull on the robe. Push the filmy curtain aside.

  Lucas is standing at the table, but he’s facing the wall. I wonder if he’s staring at something, but I realize he’s just giving me privacy.

  My chest warms. “Lucas.”

  “Are you done?”

  “Yes.”

  He turns and strides across the room. “Sit on the cot.”

  “Have you done this before?”

  He nods. “All through college.”

  “Really?”

  “I did all kinds of part time jobs, but being a masseur paid me the best.”

  “You had to work through college?”

  He gives me a strange look. “You sound surprised.”

  “I just thought…”

  “What?” He steps in front of me. “That I was some rich kid who coasted through life?”

  I don’t answer.

  But that’s… kind of the impression I got. He owns a comic book store. He’s a respected professor at a big university. Jonas drives a really expensive vehicle.

  I just thought…

  Lucas shakes his head. “My parents died when I was a teenager, and they left behind a lot of debt. We had to sell the house, the car. Everything. What little money was left after, I saved for my siblings’ college funds.”

  “I had no idea.”

  He bends down so we’re face-to-face.

  My gaze darts to his pink lips.

  Back to his eyes.

  My heart is thundering.

  Something keeps fluttering in my stomach.

  He tilts his head, seemingly unbothered by the proximity. “Do you want to keep talking?”

  “What?”

  “Most clients expect peace and quiet.” He studies me. “But I get the feeling a distraction might be better.”

  I nod. “Please.”

  He gestures to the bed.

  I suck in another breath and lie down on my stomach.

  Lucas’s fingers grip the collar of the fluffy robe.

  He peels it back slowly.

  His rough hands rasp against my naked back.

  Flashes of someone else’s hand creep through my mind.

  No. Please don’t touch me.

  I cease up.

  “Relax,” Lucas whispers.

  I can’t.

  My body trembles.

  It’s an instinctual reaction.

  “Ina, listen. I’m not going to hurt you.” His voice is low, patient. “I’m going to rub your back. That’s it. Nothing more. Nothing less.”

  “I…” An invisible weight lands on my chest. Makes it hard to breathe. To think.

  “Ina.” Lucas grabs my shoulders.

  I jerk my head up.

  His face comes into focus. Eyes dark and determined, he asks, “Do you trust me?”

  Another voice whispers in my ear.

  Darkness scrapes its claws over my neck.

  “Ina,” he gives me another shake, “do you trust me?”

  “Y-yes.”

  “Just breathe.”

  A mixture of new, unfamiliar sensations battle old fears.

  I suck in a deep breath.

  In.

  Out.

  Silence falls.

  Lucas waits until I’m calmer before speaking. “I had a sister.”

  My mind locks on his words. “Had?”

  “She and her friends were out drinking one night.” He runs his hands over my lower back. “There wasn’t much else to do in our town.” His hand moves to my other side. “They dared her to climb the top of a crane and she fell. She was drunk. It was an accident. Somehow that makes it hurt more.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Her name was Kate. She loved comic books even more than I did.”

  “Sounds like somebody I would’ve liked to know.”

  “She would have loved you.”

  “Rock and roll fan?”

  “Well, no, she had some standards.”

  I laugh.

  The sweet scent of an oil I can’t name fills the air. It’s calming though. I already feel myself relaxing just from the fragrance.

  “She had this vibrant personality, this passion. It wasn’t just for comic books, although that was a big part of it. She was inspired by the stories she read. She loved the idea that a normal person could change the world.”

  Lucas’s hand kneads into my skin. It’s an instant, sweeping pressure and then a flood of relief. I almost buck from the overwhelming sensations it produces in me.

  I feel like a woman, used to sleeping on cardboard boxes, falling into a memory foam bed for the first time.

  A groan tears past my lips wit
hout my consent.

  Embarrassment sweeps me.

  I don’t want to be moaning all over the place while Lucas is digging up painful memories of his dead sister. He’s unveiling his soul just to give me something I can focus on. The least I can do is be quiet and respectful.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “For?”

  “Being insensitive.”

  He chuckles. “I don’t mind.”

  His hand moves to the dip of my shoulder, closer to my neck.

  I moan again.

  I just can’t control myself.

  It feels so good.

  “Your friend, Nellie,” Lucas says.

  “What about her?”

  “Our parents were close. When my folks died, Nellie’s parents stepped in. They insisted I stick to my original plan of going to college and offered to take care of my siblings until I got back.”

  “You took them up on it.”

  His fingers slow on my back. “It’s my biggest regret.”

  “Why?”

  “I told myself I was leaving my family so I could give them a better life, but,” his fingers loosen their hold, “the truth is, I was glad to leave. I wasn’t ready to be a stand-in father. I didn’t want that responsibility.”

  I can hear the self-loathing in his voice. “Luc, you were a kid. You’d just lost your parents.”

  “That’s no excuse. My parents—”

  “Would have been proud of you for pushing through and taking care of your brother after you got your education.”

  “You didn’t know them.”

  “But I know you.” I sigh peacefully. My body feels light as silk. It’s getting hard to keep my eyes open. “I’ve never met a man as kind, loyal and caring as you, Lucas.”

  He says nothing.

  The candles flicker.

  I give in to the exhaustion pouring through my veins, close my eyes and let the massage unwind the knots in my body.

  Soon after, I fall right asleep.

  Twenty

  Lucas

  I hear Ina’s deepening breaths and realize she’s fallen asleep.

  “You must have been exhausted,” I mumble. Leaving her to sleep in peace, I step out to wash my hands.

  Hal, the owner of the spa and an old friend, stops me. “You finished already?”

  “She fell asleep.”

  He laughs, his massive stomach jumping with every chuckle. “You sure you still got it?”

  “Watch yourself. These fingers can run circles around yours.”