Among the Humorists and After Dinner Speakers, Vol. 1

by Lucretia P. Hale

stammer a reply, when suddenly theyoung lady called down from the head of the stairs, "Oh, mama, thatisn't the one."

  * * * * *

  A woman hurried up to a policeman at the corner of Twenty-third Streetin New York City.

  "Does this crosstown car take you down to the Bridge toward Brooklyn?"she demanded.

  "Why, madam," returned the policeman, "do you want to go to Brooklyn?"

  "No, I don't want to," the woman replied, "but I have to."

  * * * * *

  Walter Appleton Clark, whose artistic career was cut short by anuntimely death, had a strong sense of humor. In going through amillionaire's stables, where the floors and walls were of white tiles,drinking fountains of marble, mahogany mangers, silver trimmings, andso forth and so on, "Well," said the millionaire proudly, "is thereanything lacking?" "I can think of nothing," said Clark, "except asofa for each horse."

  * * * * *

  Oliver Herford, equally famous as poet, illustrator, and brilliantwit, was entertaining four magazine editors at luncheon when the bellrang, and a maid entered with the mail.

  "Oh," said an editor, "an epistle."

  "No," said Mr. Herford, tearing open the envelope, "not an epistle, acollect."

  * * * * *

  An old gentleman on board one of the numerous steamers which plybetween Holyhead and the Irish coast missed his handkerchief, andaccused a soldier standing by his side of stealing it, which thesoldier, an Irishman, denied. Some few minutes afterward the gentlemanfound the missing article in his hat; he was then most profuse in hisapologies to the soldier.

  "Not another wurrd," said Pat; "it was a misthake on both sides--yetook me for a thafe, and I took ye for a gintlemon."

  * * * * *

  The family were gathered in the library enjoying a magnificentthunder-storm when the mother thought of Dorothy alone in the nursery.Fearing lest the little daughter should be awakened and feel afraid,she slipped away to quiet her. Pausing at the door, however, in avivid flash of lightning that illuminated the whole room, she saw thelittle girl sitting up in bed clapping her hands in excitement andshouting, "Bang it again, God! Bang it again!"

  * * * * *

  A little girl ate at a feast a great quantity of chocolate eggs andbananas and cakes and peanuts and things of that sort, and finally thetime came for her to go.

  "But you will have a little more cake before you go?" her hostess saidpolitely.

  "No, thank you, ma'am. I'm full," said the little girl.

  "Then," said the hostess, "you'll put some nuts and candies in yourpockets, won't you?"

  The little girl shook her head regretfully.

  "They're full, too," she said.

  * * * * *

  "My dear, I couldn't match that dress goods."

  "You couldn't?"

  "No, and after what the various clerks said to me, I can't see why aperson in tolerable circumstances should want to match it."

  * * * * *

  A boy in a certain school would persist in saying "have went." One daythe teacher kept him in, saying, "While I am out of the room you maywrite 'have gone' fifty times." When the teacher returned she found hehad dutifully performed the task, but on the other side of the paperwas a message from the absent one: "I have went. John White."

  * * * * *

  On one of his trips abroad Mr. Evarts landed at Liverpool. The steamerwas proceeding slowly up the river to the wharf, and Mr. Evarts, afterlooking at the muddy waters of the Mersey, said to his companion,"Evidently the quality of mercy is not strained."

  * * * * *

  Once, at breakfast at a friend's, Phillips Brooks noticed thediminutive but amusingly dignified daughter of the house havingconstant trouble with the large fork that she was vainly trying tohandle properly with her tiny fingers. In a spirit of kindness,mingled with mischief, the Bishop said:

  "Why don't you give up the fork, my dear, and use your fingers? Youknow, fingers were made before forks."

  Quick as a flash came the crushing retort: "Mine weren't."

  * * * * *

  Two stout old Germans were enjoying their pipes and placidly listeningto the strains of the summer-garden orchestra. One of them in tippinghis chair back stepped on a parlor match, which exploded with a bang.

  "Dot vas not on de program," he said, turning to his companion.

  "Vat was not?"

  "Vy, dot match."

  "Vat match?"

  "De match I valked on."

  "Vell, I didn't see no match; vat aboud it?"

  "Vy, I valked on a match and it vent bang, and I said it vas not on deprogram."

  The other picked up his program and read it through very carefully. "Idon't see it on de program," he said.

  "Vell, I said it vas not on the program, didn't I?"

  "Vell, vat has it got to do mit de program, anyvay? Egsplainyourself."

  * * * * *

  Charles Dana Gibson, the creator of the "Gibson girl," is one of thetallest men in his profession, standing six feet two inches tall andweighing two hundred pounds.

  A fellow-illustrator, called upon Mr. Gibson in his studio one day andfound him working at a specially constructed table accommodated to hisheight and breadth. He shook hands cordially with his visitor, but hisfrank face revealed deep discontent. His visitor expressed the fearthat his visit was untimely.

  "Not at all, my dear fellow," Mr. Gibson responded. "But I was justlooking at this as you came in," and he showed him a very small pen,called a crow-quill, with which illustrators make their sketches. Thecrow-quill is smaller than the ordinary pen and holder, a fragile,perishable, and insignificant instrument.

  "Just look at it," complained Mr. Gibson, "and think of a man of mysize earning his living with a thing like that!"

  * * * * *

  Going into a port where the water was very deep--Rio de Janeiro, Ibelieve--relates Captain A. T. Mahan, the chain cables "got away," asthe expression is, control was lost, and shackle after shackle toreout of the hawse-holes with tremendous rattling and roaring. Theadmiral was on deck at the moment, and when the chain had been stoppedand secured he said to the captain: "Alfred, send for the young man incharge of those chains and give him a good setting-down. Ask him whathe means by letting such things happen." Alfred was a mild person, andclearly did not like his job; he could not have come up to theadmiral's standard. The latter saw it, and said: "Perhaps you hadbetter leave it to me. I'll settle him." Fixing his eyes on theoffender, he said, sternly: "What do you mean by this, sir? Why thehell didn't you stop that chain?" The culprit looked quietly at himand said: "How the hell could I?" After a moment the admiral turned tothe captain and said meekly: "That's true, Alfred; how the hell couldhe?"

  * * * * *

  An old darky of the Blue Grass State was looking at the high steppersbelonging to his new master, who said, "I suppose your master downSouth had a good many horses?" "'Deed we did, sah, dat we did; an' olemassa had 'em all name' Bible names. Faith, Hope, and Charity, Bustle,Stays, and Crinoline was all one spring's colts!"

  * * * * *

  The wife of a well-known judge lost her cook, and since she had noother recourse she rolled up her sleeves and for a week provided suchmeals as the judge had not enjoyed since those happy days when theydidn't keep a cook. The judge's delight was so great that by way ofacknowledgment he presented his wife with a beautiful ermine coat.Naturally the incident was noised about among their acquaintances anda spirit of envious emulation was developed in certain quarters. Mrs.Jerome, after reciting the story to her husband, asked, "What do Iget, Jerry, if I will do the cooking for a week?"

  "At the end of the week, dear, you'll get one of those lon
g crepeveils."

  * * * * *

  Perhaps one of Lord Beaconsfield's brightest flings was at the wife ofhis bitterest political foe. Mrs. Gladstone passed the Prime Ministerone day, and he cast a glance at her over his shoulder, saying: "Theregoes a woman without one redeeming fault."

  * * * * *

  A private, anxious to secure leave of absence, sought his captain witha most convincing tale about a sick wife breaking her heart for hispresence.

  The officer, familiar with the soldier's ways, replied:

  "I am afraid you are not telling the truth. I have just received aletter from your wife urging me not to let you come home because youget drunk, and mistreat her shamefully."

  The private saluted and started to leave the room. He paused at thedoor, asking: "Sor, may I spake to you, not as an officer, but as monto mon?"

  "Yes, what is it?"

  "You and I are two of the most illigant liars the Lord ever made. I'mnot married at all."

  * * * * *

  A very prosy gentleman, who was in the habit of waylaying DouglasJerrold, met his victim and, planting himself in the way, said: "Well,Jerrold, what is going on to-day?"

  Jerrold replied, darting past the inquirer, "I am!"

  * * * * *

  Foote, the English actor, was once praising the hospitality of theIrish, after one of his trips to Ireland. A gentleman in his audienceasked him whether he had ever been at Cork. "No, sir," replied Foote;"but I have seen many drawings of it."

  * * * * *

  A lady one day meeting a girl who had formerly been in her employinquired, "Well Mary, where do you live now?" "Please ma'am, I don'tlive nowhere now," rejoined the girl; "I am married."

  * * * * *

  When a Mr. Wilberforce was a candidate for election in Hull, England,his sister, an amiable and witty young lady offered to make a presentof a new gown to each of the wives of the men who voted for herbrother. Upon hearing this, the crowd whom she was addressing brokeout into cries of "Miss Wilberforce forever." "I thank you gentlemen,"the young lady replied, "but I do not wish to be Miss Wilberforceforever!"

  * * * * *

  "How do you define 'black as your hat?'" said a schoolmaster to one ofhis pupils.

  "Darkness that may be felt," replied the budding genius.

  * * * * *

  She--"He married her for her money. Wasn't that awful?"

  He--"Did he get it?"

  She--"No."

  He--"It was."

  * * * * *

  "My, but it is hot in your office," said a client to his lawyer.

  "It ought to be," replied the lawyer, "I make my bread here."

  * * * * *

  The town council of a small German community met to inspect a new sitefor a cemetery. They assembled at a chapel, and as it was a warm daysome one suggested they leave their coats there.

  "Some one can stay behind and watch them," suggested Herr Botteles.

  "What for?" demanded Herr Ehrlich. "If we are all going out togetherwhat need is there for any one to watch the clothes?"

  * * * * *

  After a brief two weeks' acquaintance he invited her to go to theball-game with him.

  "There's Jarvis! He's a good one. He's a pitcher for your life. Andthat's Johnson, over there. He's going to be our best man in a fewweeks."

  "Oh, Walter! He'll do, all right," she lisped hurriedly, "but it is sosudden, dear."

  * * * * *

  Dr. Edward Waldo Emerson, of Concord, is fond of telling of an oldservant whose heart was exceedingly kind, and in whom the qualities ofpity and compassion were developed nearly to perfection. He was oncedriving his master and Emerson through the country. As they approacheda new house that the master was building, they saw an old womansneaking away with a bundle of wood. "Jabez, Jabez," cried themaster, "do you see that old woman taking my wood?" Jabez looked withpity at the old woman, then with scorn at his master. "No, sir," hesaid stoutly, "I don't see her, and I didn't think that you would seeher either."

  * * * * *

  "They said that we would never be happy," moaned the young bride.

  "But you _are_ happy."

  "But now they say it won't last."

  * * * * *

  "That fellow," said Alfred Henry Lewis, the other day, when a certainwell-known Tammany man was mentioned, "puts up a good bluff, but thereis nothing to him. Open the front door and you are in his back yard."

  * * * * *

  Little Paul trying on his grandmother's glasses--"Grandma, what is itbetween my eyes and the glasses, I can't see anything."

  "Eighty years, my dear."

  * * * * *

  To Richard Mansfield an enthusiastic woman admirer had paid tribute ofpraise, adding: "I suppose, sir, that when in the spirit of thosegreat roles you forget your real self for days."

  "Yes, madam, for days, as well as nights. It is then I do thosedreadful things--trample on the upturned features of my leading ladyand hurl tenderloin steaks at waiters."

  "And you do not know of it at all?"

  "Not a solitary thing, until I read the papers the next day," said Mr.Mansfield solemnly.

  * * * * *

  When Marquis Ito was in the United States, in 1901, an inexperiencedSt. Paul reporter sought an interview with him. He met Ito'ssecretary, and made known his mission. "Me newspaper man. Me writeenews. Me heardee marquis velly ill. He better to-day? You savve?"began the reporter, to the secretary's amazement. But the latter wasequal to the occasion. "Me savve," he said gravely. "Marquis he nobetter. Belly blad. Catchee cold. Doctor him no lettee him leave bledto-day. You savve?" The interview proceeded in this way, but at itstermination the secretary, with a twinkle in his eye, remarked: "Themarquis is greatly fatigued by his arduous journey, but--" But thereporter had fled.

  * * * * *

  Professor Phelps, who disliked mathematics, was once walking withProfessor Newton, who began discussing a problem so deep that hiscompanion could not follow it. He fell into a brown study, from whichhe was aroused by Newton's emphatic assertion, "And that, you see,gives us _x_!" "Does it?" asked Mr. Phelps, politely. "Why, doesn'tit?" exclaimed the professor, excitedly, alarmed at the possibility ofa flaw in his calculations. Quickly his mind ran back and detected amistake. "You are right, Mr. Phelps. You are right!" shouted theprofessor. "It doesn't give us _x_; it gives us _y_." And from thattime Professor Phelps was looked upon as a mathematical prodigy, thefirst man who ever tripped Newton.

  * * * * *

  Ambassador Choate and his daughter visited the restaurant made famousby Dr. Samuel Johnson. It is the custom there to give the guests larkpie, such as Johnson used to eat, and the Choates were served with oneof the pasties. Choate was in the chair that Johnson was wont tooccupy, and had just begun his meal, when his daughter exclaimed:"Isn't it funny, papa? You are in Johnson's chair and eating atradition." "Eating a tradition!" retorted the ambassador strugglingvaliantly; "I have got hold of one of Johnson's larks."

  * * * * *

  A New England school-teacher recited "The Landing of the Pilgrims" toher pupils, then asked each of them to draw from their imagination apicture of Plymouth Rock. One little fellow hesitated and then raisedhis hand. "Well, Willie, what is it?" asked the teacher. "Pleaseteacher, do you want us to draw a hen or a rooster?"

  * * * * *

  An English gentleman had sent a private note to a marquis, on apersonal matter, by hand, and on the return of the man questioned himas to his reception. "Ah, sir," said the man, "there's no use writinghim any lette
r, he can't see to read them. He's blind."

  "Blind!"

  "Yes, sir. He asked me twice where my hat was, and I had it on my headall the time."

  * * * * *

  A magician was performing in a Kentucky town, and during the eveningannounced that in his next trick he would need a pint flask of whisky.No move was made to supply the liquor. "Perhaps you did not understandme. Will some gentleman kindly loan me a pint flask of whisky?" Then alank man in the rear of the hall arose. "Mistah," said he, "will aquart flask do?" "Just as well, sir," replied the magician, and everygentleman in the hall arose with flask extended.

  * * * * *

  "Phoebe," said a mistress in reproof to her colored servant whom shefound smoking a short pipe after having repeatedly threatened todischarge her if again caught in the act, "if you won't stop that badhabit for any other reason do so because it is right. You are a goodchurch member--and, don't you know that smoking makes the breathunpleasant, and that nothing unclean can enter Heaven?"