Among the Humorists and After Dinner Speakers, Vol. 1
Page 36
"'Deed,missie, I does," said the woman, "but bress' yo' heart, when I go toHeaben I'll leave my bref behin'."
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It was the custom of a certain deacon, when dining at the home of oneof his best friends, to drink a glass of milk, as a prelude to hisdinner. One day when the minister was scheduled to appear, instead ofthe rich, foamy glass of milk, his friend placed beside his plate aglass of milk punch. After the blessing, the deacon seized his glassand drank to the last drop, and then exclaimed as he closed his eyesand smacked his lips, "_Oh_, what a cow!"
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Dean Hole of Rochester, England, told of a very innocent and obligingcurate who went to a Yorkshire parish where many of the parishionersbred horses and sometimes raced them. A few Sundays after his arrivalhe was asked to invite the prayers of the congregation for Lucy Grey.He did so. They prayed for three Sundays for her. On the fourth, thechurch clerk told the curate that he need not do it any more. "Why,"he asked, "is she dead?" "No," said the clerk, "she's won thesteeplechase."
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The late Richard Henry Stoddard while endeavoring to procure animpromptu luncheon for a number of his friends after his wife and theservants had retired, found a box of sardines. His vigorous remarks,inspired by the sardine-can's objections to the "open sesame" of adull jack-knife, attracted the attention of Mrs. Stoddard on the floorabove.
"What _are_ you doing?" she called down.
"Opening a can of sardines."
"With what?"
"A dashed old jack-knife," cried the exasperated poet; "what did youthink I was opening it with?"
"Well, dear," she answered, "I didn't think you were opening it withprayer."
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"What is the matter with your father, Gladys?" asked the child's aunt.
"He's awful sick with a headache," the little girl answered, "an' he'shurt, too, 'cause mama said he's broke his resolution."
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Colored people are proverbially fond of funerals, and Mrs. Walker'scook was trying to make her mistress realize what she had missed bynot attending the funeral of a prominent citizen of their village.
"Mis' Fanny," she said, "you sholy orto hev been thar. I ain' nevvahseen sech a big funril in dis heah town. Dey had all de kerridges fumbofe liberty stables, 'mos' all de private conveniences, an' dat newfambly fum de North was dere in a two-hoss syringe!"
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William Bourke Cochran took his seat in Congress on the day that theHouse went into turmoil over the special report on post-officeaffairs. "I suppose it looks like old times to you, Cochran," said afriend, who, with others, had crowded around to welcome him back. Justthen such epithets as "coward," "knave," "scoundrel," and "liar,"hurtled across the chamber. "Well, I can't say it looks much like oldtimes," replied Cochran, "too many new faces for that. But itcertainly sounds like old times."
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This happened in Scotland: The last edition of the newspapers had beensold out and the newsboys were calculating their takings. "Hallo,"said Jimmy, in alarm, "I'm a 'a'penny short!" "Well, wats the use of'arpin' on it?" growled Dick, as he calmly cracked a nut; "you don'tthink I took it, do you?" "I don't say you 'ave. But there it is, I'ma 'a'penny short, and you're eatin' nuts."
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In _the_ "Diary of a Frenchman" by Flandrau, he makes a student say tohis chum: "I've an idea that we're going to have 'je suis bon' inFrench to-day. I wish you would write out a few tenses for me."
Whereupon his friend wrote:
"Je suis bon. Tu es bones, Il est beans, Nous sommes bon bons, Vous etes bonbonnieres, Ils sont bon-ton."
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Tolstoy told Isabel Habgard, who has translated many of his books, agood story of one of his ancestors, an army officer, who was anexcellent mimic. One day he was impersonating the Emperor Paul to agroup of his friends, when Paul himself entered, and for some momentslooked on, unperceived, at the antics of the young man. Tolstoyfinally turned, and beholding the emperor, bowed his head and wassilent. "Go on, sir," said Paul; "continue the performance." The youngman hesitated a moment, and then, folding his arms and imitating everygesture and intonation of his sovereign, he said: "Tolstoy, youdeserve to be degraded, but I remember the thoughtlessness of youth,and you are pardoned." The czar smiling, said, "Well, be it so."
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When President Nicholas Murray Butler was at college, certain freshmenof his time made no scruple of stealing a pail of milk which adairyman daily placed outside the door of Mr. Butler's room while theoccupant was in class. In order to foil the boys, Mr. Butler printed asign in big letters, "I have poisoned this milk with arsenic." Uponhis return he found the milk intact, but added to the notice werethese words: "So have we."
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There is an amusing story told of a clergyman, who, upon one of histrips through the West, observed that almost every man he met andspoke with used profanity. Finally he found one man who talked to himfor twenty minutes without using an oath. The clergyman shook handswith him at parting and said: "You don't know how glad I am to have achance to have a talk with a man like you. You are the first man Ihave met for three days who could talk for five minutes withoutswearing." The stranger, shocked, instantly and innocently ejaculated:"Well, I'll be d----d!"
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The other day, while shopping, a lady accidentally picked up anotherlady's umbrella from the counter, and had the mistake pointed out toher in a rather frigid manner. She returned the umbrella withapologies, and then remembered that she had no umbrella with her.
As it had begun to rain, she bought one, as well as one for a birthdaypresent for a friend. With the two umbrellas in her hand, she boardeda car and, as luck would have it, sat down opposite the lady whoseumbrella she had picked up earlier in the store. As the latter sweptout of the car she smiled again frigidly, and remarked to the lady ofthe umbrellas, "I see you have had a successful day."
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"If a fairy should appear to you and offer you three wishes," said theimaginative young woman, "what would you do?" "I'd sign the pledge,"answered the matter-of-fact young man.
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A summer tourist was passing through a German village in the Westrecently, when a stout German girl came to the front door and calledto a small girl playing in front. "Gusty! Gusty!" she said, "come inand eat yourself. Ma's on the table, and pa's half et!"
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A university of Illinois professor is very popular among the students.He was entertaining a group of them at his residence one night. Takingdown a magnificent sword that hung over the fireplace, he brandishedit about, exclaiming, "Never will I forget the day I drew this bladefor the first time." "Where did you draw it, sir?" an awe-struckfreshman asked. "At a raffle," said the professor.
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In the vicinity of Germantown there lived a worthy old lady and herson John, who were once called upon to entertain a number of ladies atdinner during Quarterly meeting. As John began to carve the broiledchickens, he entered upon a flowery speech of welcome, but in themidst of his flattering utterances his mother, who was somewhat deaf,piped up from the other end of the table: "You needn't be praisin' of'em up, John, I'm afraid they're a lot of tough old hens, every one of'em."
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One of Pere Ollivier's flock, a very beautiful and handsomely dressedwoman, coming very late to church one Sunday morning, caused somedisturbance and stir among the worshipers by her entrance andinterrupted the flow of eloquence of the worthy father, who, veryirritable and easily put out, said: "Madame perhaps waited to take h
erchocolate before coming to church?" To this, madame, unabashed,graciously replied: "Yes, mon pere; and two rolls with it."
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Of late years the House of Commons has seen some lively times. Many ofthem have been brought about by the irascible but delightful Irishmember, Dr. Tanner. On one occasion, when he had been indulging ratherfreely and his ever ready tongue being loosened, he met Sir