Gun Shy

by Lori L. Lake

  “She loves you a lot, Dez. I saw that in the hospital room. When you spoke to her, I could tell her heart just about broke. I hope you can sort things out with her—and with your brother. Why don’t you two get along?”

  “He took Mom’s side.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “Let me see. He told me I was being pigheaded and mean, and he said I was a jerk for upsetting her about Mac and also about my lifestyle. He told me I could butt out of his life until I saw fit to treat her better.” Jaylynn was very still and didn’t speak for so long that Dez finally said, “What? What are you thinking?”

  “To be honest, I was thinking this is the stuff family feuds are made of, and I hope, hope, hope my sisters and I never go through this. What’s your brother’s name?”

  “Patrick.”

  “And you haven’t seen him for seven years?”

  Dez shrugged. “About that.”

  “Oh, Dez. He was right about one thing. You are the most pigheaded personI’ve ever met.”

  “Hey!” she protested, as she held back her desire to burst out laughing. “I’m sure Dr. Goldman would never be so judgmental.”

  “But she’s not your friend, you fool. I will say one thing for you though: you’ve got endurance.”

  “And you said I was doggin’ it earlier.”

  “Truer words were never spoken! You’re going to need lots and lots and lots of practice at this, Miss Grin-and-Stuff-It. But your exercises have gone quite well today, don’t you think?”

  “Yeah, not bad.” She got to her feet and brushed the sand off the back of her jeans. She bent for Jaylynn’s hand to help her up. Still holding her hand, Dez pointed out to the end of the jetty. “Let’s walk all the way out there, okay?”

  Jaylynn nodded, and they strolled along the pebbly beach, hand in hand, in the warm sunlight.

  Two meals, a large snack, and several hundred miles later, they finally returned to Saint Paul where the early September sun had long ago set. Dez entered the parking lot at the precinct and wheeled over to Jaylynn’s Camry. Before they came to a stop, Jaylynn unhooked her seatbelt and scooted over to the other side of the truck. She sat there awkwardly when the truck halted in front of her car.

  “It’s been quite a day,” Jaylynn said.

  “Yup.”

  “See you Wednesday?”

  “For sure.”

  “Thanks for lunch, Dez.”

  “To which of the three meals are you referring?” she asked with a smile.

  “I don’t think you can call the cupcake a lunch.”

  “That reminds me . . .” Dez rooted around behind the seat and dug out her jacket. After some more searching, she triumphantly held up an item. “Here you go.” She handed it over. “You can have it for a midnight snack.”

  In the darkness of the cab Jaylynn felt the mashed cupcake still folded up in the crinkled cellophane. In a wry voice she said, “I’ll treasure it always.” She opened the truck door, which flipped the overhead light on, and as she slid out, she caught and held dark blue eyes. Standing hesitantly in the open door, she looked up at Dez. She didn’t want to leave, didn’t want the night to end, but her courage failed her.

  “Good night, Dez.”

  “ ’Night, Jay.”

  Jaylynn slammed Dez’s door and stomped over to her car, knowing with every step that she was mad at herself for being such a coward. It took her a few seconds to find which pocket of her jacket the keys were in. She unlocked the Camry door, gave a wave and got in, setting the mashed cupcake on the passenger seat. The car was musty and warm and smelled faintly of mint. She didn’t know why—she hadn’t had anything minty in there that she could remember. She backed up out of the space and headed toward home. Smacking the wheel with the palm of her hand, she frowned. Why did the day have to end already? And why wasn’t I able to summon up the courage to talk to Dez, to tell her how I feel? The thought that she might not get another chance like today filled her with despair.

  Halfway down Lexington, she looked in the rear view mirror and saw the lights of a big vehicle tailing her. Squinting from the bright lights shining in through the back window, she questioned whether it was Dez’s truck, but decided Dez wouldn’t follow that close. She came to Como Boulevard and maneuvered down the empty street around to the alley in back of the house. The truck stayed right behind and angled in next to her.

  Before Jaylynn could get out of her car, a tall dark form was opening her door. “Hey,” said a gruff voice.

  “Long time, no see.” Jaylynn emerged from her car and stood with her right arm resting on top of the open doorframe.

  Something made of soft fabric was thrust against her chest, and she reached up to take it with her left hand. Dez said, “You forgot this again.”

  Jaylynn ran her hand over it for a moment before it registered: her U of M sweatshirt. “Possession is nine-tenths of the law,” she said in a cool tone. “You’ve had it so long, you should keep it.” She didn’t know what was wrong with her, why she was being so brusque. She handed it back to Dez and smacked shut the Camry door.

  “Jay.” The voice was so soft she barely heard it. “Please?”

  Startled, Jaylynn looked up at the outline of her partner. Though moonlight reflected off the dark hair, she couldn’t see her face in the shadows. She did, however, feel the hand that came to rest on her shoulder, and a fierce truth flooded through her. She needed to know, and she wanted to know now, today, right this moment: Is this a one day thing? A one-time occurrence? What was today all about? With a sigh she said, “We need to have that talk, Dez.”

  “I know.”

  In a peevish tone she said, “Do we have to have it here in the alley, or can we go inside where it’s comfortable?” Acutely aware of the warm hand pressing lightly on her shoulder, she fumbled with her keys. When she looked up at Dez, her eyes had adjusted some to the darkness, and now she saw pale, smoldering eyes burning into her own. She met the gaze and didn’t flinch. Everything around her narrowed, telescoping into the face before her, until all she saw were indigo eyes, and all she felt was the slow beat of her heart, the rhythm picking up as those eyes drilled into her.

  Dez bent her head ever so slowly, eyes never wavering, giving Jaylynn every opportunity to withdraw. Instead, Jaylynn met the gaze, unflinching, and tipped her head back until she connected with lips she found surprisingly soft. She dropped her car keys and brought her hands up to Dez’s middle, feeling the ridges of ribs under the worn cloth of the green sweatshirt. She slipped her arms around Dez as the hand on her shoulder shifted to encircle her in a tight embrace.

  The kiss was intense and overpowering, leaving her gasping for air. She leaned her forehead against Dez’s shoulder, gulping, and said in a muffled voice, “Wait. Wait a minute.” She could hardly tear herself away, but after a moment, she did. She let her arms drop and backed up two steps, still out of breath, and bumped against the Camry. She choked out, “Don’t do this if you don’t mean it.” She took a deep breath and bent to pick up her keys. When she rose, she saw Dez twisting the sweatshirt in her hands.

  “I mean it,” Dez said.

  Jaylynn stood uncertainly, then whirled and headed toward the house. She reached the back gate and looked back. “Well? Are you coming?”

  Dez hesitated for only a moment before moving across the cement in slow strides until she caught up. “Will I be disturbing your roommates?”

  “No. Tim’s car isn’t here, so he’s gone. Sara must be gone too because the house is dark. Come on.”

  They made their way through the kitchen’s back door, the hinges creaking as Jaylynn shut it. “Are you hungry?” Jaylynn slipped her jacket off and tossed her keys on the table.

  “Not really.” Dez slouched by the back door, the sweatshirt under her arm, and her hands in her pants pockets.

  Jaylynn opened the refrigerator door, which cast a stream of light in the darkened kitchen. She grabbed a plastic pint container of orange juice and shut the door
. She watched Dez standing in the shadows. “Let’s go up to my room.”

  They passed through the dining area and into the living room, which was illuminated by one dim lamp. They started up the steps and Dez ran her hand over the smooth wood of the banister. This was the first time she’d ventured upstairs since the night of the attack, and as they climbed up the staircase, she looked at the walls. She saw a Zorro movie poster on the landing, the black-clad hero standing with his sword drawn and the beautiful Catherine Zeta-Jones next to him. Dez said, “Hey, that’s new. I loved that movie. She was great.”

  Jaylynn peered back at her quizzically. “Why do you think that’s new?”

  “Oh. Well,” she said, taken aback. “I suppose it could actually be months old, but it wasn’t there when I was up here last August. I remember all the other ones you have, though.”

  Jaylynn gave her a funny look. “Actually, we just got it a few weeks ago.”

  “Where did you find all those posters?”

  “Sara gets them at the video store where she works. She can get practically anything.”

  At the top of the stairs, Jaylynn went into the only room Dez remembered with any clarity. She hesitated in the dark doorway, still twisting the sweatshirt in her hands, until Jaylynn flipped on a table lamp between the couch and bed. It shed a pale glow that barely illuminated the room. Dez’s eyes swept the room, noticing everything was completely different from the last time she’d been upstairs. She said, “Wasn’t this Sara’s room?”

  “Yeah, but we switched. She couldn’t face it after what happened.” Jaylynn turned on a pole lamp next to the bed. The bright light made Dez squint. Jaylynn frowned and switched off the glaring light. She set the orange juice container on the table next to the dimly glowing lamp, sank down, and angled into the corner of the couch, feet curled underneath her, and patted the cushion beside her. Dez sauntered in, tossing the gray sweatshirt at the other end of the couch. She sat gingerly in the middle of the sofa, unsure and confused. In fact, her heart was doing double time and she felt a little panicky.

  Jaylynn picked up the juice and offered it to her, but Dez shook her head and said, “No thanks.” She twisted the cap off, took a sip and set it back down.

  “Dez, what’s the matter?” When Dez didn’t answer, she said, “Come here.” Dez didn’t move, and an exasperated Jaylynn said, “I won’t bite, and I won’t make you do anything you don’t want to. Please. Come here, Dez.”

  With her head down, Dez scooted over. Jaylynn gripped her hand and was surprised to find it cool. “Hey! What happened to my furnace?”

  Dez looked down, embarrassed, and said, “My hands get cold when I’m nervous.”

  “Why in the world are you so nervous?” Another shrug. In a kind voice she said, “I’m the same person I was when we sat on the rocks earlier. The same one from the beach. The same one who sat next to you—or slept on you—in the truck for what, four hundred miles? Why are you all of a sudden afraid of me?”

  “I don’t know.”

  Jaylynn squeezed the large hand and rubbed it to warm it up. She pulled the fingers open, and touched Dez’s palm, feeling the calluses there. “You have great hands, you know.” Right after she said it, she realized how it sounded and blushed crimson red. This got a smile out of Dez. Jaylynn said, “Shame on you. You know that’s not what I mean—I meant your hands are nice. I mean, they’re strong. They’re beautiful.”

  “They’re too big.”

  “You’d look sort of silly with my little hands on your body. These are just right for you. I like them. I like how I feel when they touch me.”

  Now it was Dez’s turn to blush.

  “Uh oh, your hands are going cold again. No more compliments for you.” Jaylynn took another drink of the orange juice. “Sure you don’t want some?”

  “I’m sure.” Dez was also sure that if she ate or drank one single drop of anything, she’d be sick. What was she thinking when she followed Jaylynn inside? She hated how things usually went when she acted impulsively. And yet—she was glad to be with Jaylynn. Maybe she wasn’t ready to open up, but still, she didn’t want to leave. She fumbled for words, something, anything to talk about, but nothing came to her.

  Several tense seconds passed and then what came out of her mouth next surprised her as much as Jaylynn. “What I said that day in the 7-Eleven when I got shot? It was true.” Dez took a sharp breath and, aghast, bit her tongue.

  Jaylynn held her breath as she studied her partner’s face, which was blushing the brightest color of scarlet she’d ever seen. In her kindest voice, she said, “I thought so.” She paused. “I’m surprised you remember. You were kind of out of it.”

  “I remember.”

  “I wasn’t actually sure you were talking to me.”

  “I was.” Dez put her head down. “I am.”

  Jaylynn tugged the long dark tresses back and let her palm rest against Dez’s blushing neck. With the other hand she gently turned Dez’s chin until she faced her and looked her in the eye. “The feeling is so totally mutual.”

  Dez looked into smiling hazel eyes. She said, “I’m sorry I’m so slow.”

  Jay shrugged. “You’ve made me wait a long time, but I think it’s been worth it.”

  Uncertainty hit Dez again, and she shivered. “How do you know that? How can you be so sure? We haven’t even—you know—slept together.”

  “Yes, we have. What about at Luella’s? What about last night in the truck?” She didn’t mention their first night together, the one that became so traumatic.

  “Don’t be silly. That was different. It’s not the same as being, you know—intimate.”

  Jaylynn stifled the urge to laugh, which was difficult since she was filled with so many contradictory and uncontrollable emotions that she almost felt the need to get up and run screaming jubilantly throughout the room. Instead, she said, “I think I’ll feel the same way—even more intensely after that intimacy.”

  “But how do you know?” Bitterly Dez said, “It’s not like I have a good track record. Everybody who’s ever slept with me has ended up not liking me in the long run.”

  “What—a cast of thousands?”

  Dez looked down. “Well, no. Three.”

  “They were idiots.” Jaylynn let her hand drop from Dez’s face to rest on her thigh. “Desiree Reilly, I’ve been riding with you off and on for what—eight, nine months? I’ve seen you at your absolute worst and I still like you. Shouldn’t that give you a clue?”

  Dez considered for a moment. “There’s an awful lot of unknowns here, Jay.”

  Jaylynn rolled her eyes. “You worry too damn much.”

  “Guess it comes with the job. Sometimes it’s like a heavy weight I can’t toss off.”

  “Sorry, but I’m afraid I’m one heavy weight you won’t be able to toss off so easily. Please—why don’t you shut up and kiss me like you did in the alley?”

  “Wait a minute. I haven’t done this for a very long time. What if—?”

  “Oh, please!” Jaylynn said, laughing. “It’s like riding a bike. You won’t have just forgotten.”

  “What if someone comes down the hall?” Dez nodded toward the open door.

  Jaylynn sprang up from the couch and closed the bedroom door. “There. Is that better?” She stood in the dim lamplight with her hands on her hips and a smirk on her face. “Should I put the desk chair in front of it just to be safe? Maybe we could drag the couch over in front of it?”

  Dez groaned and shook her head.

  “Will you stop worrying then?”

  Dez nodded and reached out to gesture. “Okay. Come over here.”

  Jaylynn was across the room like lightning. She stood before her partner and eased down onto the couch by kneeling on either side of Dez’s legs, lowering herself onto muscular thighs.

  “You’re lucky you’re still young and limber.” Dez wrapped her arms around Jaylynn’s waist. “That’d kill my old knees.”

  “Yeah, you’re so ancie
nt.” Jaylynn cupped the dark head in her hands and met blue eyes. She arched an eyebrow. “Is this okay? There isn’t any hurry, you know. We should take things slow ’til it feels right to you. “

  One dark eyebrow arched. In a mocking tone, Dez said, “Go for it.”

  “All right, but stop me any time you want, okay?”

  Soft lips came together, shyly at first, and then more insistently. After a moment, Jaylynn broke the kiss and pressed closer to Dez, taking the opportunity to slip her arms around her shoulders. She felt the bumpy texture of the couch against her forearms and the now very warm hands pressing against her back. Tucking her head against Dez’s collarbone, she nuzzled at her neck, smelling the sweet scent she knew so well. “You smell incredibly good.”

  “How is that possible? I haven’t even had a shower since yesterday.”

  “I don’t know why, but you smell edible to me.” She pressed her nose into the dark hair and inhaled. “You smell great.”

  “So do you,” Dez countered gruffly as she pressed her lips against the side of Jaylynn’s neck. “And you taste good, too.”

  A quiet whimper emerged from Jaylynn, and she breathed faster. “Dez, honey, you don’t even know how sweet you are.”

  With a soft groan, Dez wrapped her arms tightly around Jaylynn and stood up.

  “Dez!”

  In three steps they were at the edge of the bed, and Dez dropped them gracefully down onto it. They landed on their sides, still holding each other tightly.

  Jaylynn said, “Pretty good for a decrepit old woman. It’s not like I’m light as a feather.”

  “That was fun,” Dez said, laughing.

  “You could have warned me.”

  “What? And ruin the surprise? No way.” She nuzzled Jaylynn’s neck. In a soft voice she whispered, “You don’t know how long I’ve wanted to do this.”

  “Why didn’t you say something?”

  “Get real. After what happened that first time?” She slid one leg between Jaylynn’s and moved as close as she could. “Jay, I thought I had—well, totally and completely blown it. I don’t know how you stuck it out all this time.”