Not Mine to Love

by Skylar Moore

  When Jane finally showed up, the first thing she did was get a cup of coffee from the food truck.

  Matt walked over to her with long strides. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”

  “What?” She looked genuinely confused, which made him even angrier.

  His heart rate accelerated. “We’ve all been waiting on you for at least an hour, and you have the nerve to grab coffee?”

  “Are you out of your mind talking to me like this? I was in makeup all this time.” Her eyes blazed, and she stood tall.

  To intimidate her, he stepped into her personal space. Matt was angry at her for taking advantage of him last night, and even more angry at himself for foolishly letting her play him. His anger was hungry for destruction. “You still look bland as always.” His vicious words tasted bitter and delicious.

  “Fuck you.”

  They stood close enough for their labored breaths to mingle. Neither wanted to move away first. The air was charged with electricity. All the flirting and cuddling she had initiated in the last couple of months and the phone sex last night were too much for him to take. For months, he had tried to blow off some steam by excessively hitting the gym, but a mix of lust and anger had been constantly building inside of him and had seeped into his blood, consuming and poisoning him. Like boiling lava, this dangerous blend threatened to spill out any second.

  Hoping to find release, he snatched the coffee out of her hand and threw it to the muddy ground, and the hot liquid splashed in every direction.

  “You bloody asshole,” she spat.

  Just as the hot intensity of her gaze was foreshadowing the inferno to come, their assistant Paula interrupted them. “There’s not much daylight left. We’ll shoot scene seven first.”

  Matt stomped stiffly after Paula to the set. Scene seven was a kissing scene. Fucking fantastic.

  Acting all professional and composed, Jane sat down on the hay where they would kiss and applied lip balm. Her calmness made Matt even angrier. Trembling, he sat down next to her. The thought of kissing her mouth set his body on fire despite the cold ground.

  Blinded by anger and lust, everything around him became an unimportant blur. When she got out her breath mints, he looked her deep in the eyes. “Don’t. I want to taste you,” he said in a low, deep voice.

  Her jaw dropped.

  He was prepared for her to slap him. He didn’t care anymore. Not about ruining their friendship, not about Alec, not about the future. The only thing that mattered right now was touching and kissing her. He was a virile man in his prime and couldn’t take all this teasing anymore.

  Without taking a mint, she put the box away with shaking hands. The way she unconsciously parted her lips and looked at him with her big blue eyes told him that she wanted this as well but was scared to admit it to him and herself. Turned on, he licked his lips.

  “Action,” Robert yelled.

  Matt gripped her waist, and when his lips brushed hers, her whole body shivered. This was exactly what he wanted. He wanted her to finally relinquish control and give in to him. He nibbled her lower lip while he ran his fingers through her silky hair and inhaled the scent of her shampoo. He kissed her, and to his surprise, she kissed him back demandingly. The kiss was sloppy and rough, and he needed more. He pulled her closer, and she grabbed his face with both hands.

  The world became quiet around him. All he could hear were her breaths and the blood pounding in his ears. Just like he had been dreaming about, he caressed her earlobe until she moaned into his mouth. Overcome with lust, he pushed her backward onto the hay and straddled her. His lips never left hers. What he would have given to rip off her clothes and explore her body. Explore her thighs, her stomach, and her breasts with his hands and mouth.

  He kissed her with a primal urgency until she trembled underneath him. He pushed her down harder, and she opened her mouth wider, inviting him. He swept the tip of his tongue over her soft lips until she met his tongue with hers. He slipped his tongue inside her mouth and caressed and tasted her. She tasted like an exotic beach—salty and fresh with a hint of coconut, coffee, and spice. He had imagined kissing her like this so many times that it seemed more like a memory than a fantasy.

  “More,” she demanded, and he complied.

  Their breathing was labored, and she made him mad with desire. Their tongues probed and his head swam. Now that he knew her distinct taste, he would never have enough of her. Nothing would ever compare. He forgot where they were and nibbled her throat. His hands were everywhere as they stroked her.

  “Cut! Come on, people, is it so hard to read the script beforehand? It said sweet kisses, not dry humping on the hay. Again, from the top, please.”

  Matt pulled away from Jane. Her swollen lips, aghast look, and heaving chest bore witness to what he had done, and he was disgusted by his actions. He stood up quickly, which rendered him dizzy and disoriented, and left her flushed and exposed on the frozen, hay-covered ground. He certainly couldn’t redo the scene.

  “I need five,” he said, and slipped away from the set.

  He went straight to the gym and took his self-loathing out on the punching bag. He shouldn’t have allowed himself to get carried away. His heart and penis had deceived him. Traitors. He should have hung up the phone yesterday, and definitely shouldn’t have kissed her like the possessed man that he was. He beat the bag until his knuckles bled and his lungs burned.

  Sweat dripped from his brow and his shirt was damp, but some tension had left his body. He sat down to catch his breath. As always, Jane was all he could think about. He couldn’t imagine a life—heck, even a day—without her anymore. He badly wanted to be with her, even if that meant he had to agree to an open relationship and forgo a family of his own.

  In the shower, he let the hot water hit his back until the cubicle was saturated with steam. By the time he turned off the water, he had made up his mind. As much as he wished he could undo the last twenty-four hours, he had to stand by what he had done and face the consequences. He had to apologize to Jane and win her over.

  All the flower shops were closed by the time he had left the gym, but the friendly Indian owner of a small grocery store sold Matt the only nice flowers left—three beautiful white lilies. They smelled wonderful. Matt loved seeing Jane’s smile and hoped she would like them.

  It was already pitch-black outside, and before he could talk himself out of it, he knocked on the door to Jane’s trailer. His heart pounded. When she finally opened the door, she looked like she had already been asleep. A thick bathrobe covered her pajamas, and she had already removed her makeup. “Matt, it’s almost midnight.”

  He stepped closer. “I couldn’t go to sleep without apologizing to you. I’m very sorry for this afternoon. I don’t know what got into me.” With great gentleness, he handed her the flowers.

  She took them and held them close to her body. “We shouldn’t have. I’m sorry, too.” Her voice was weak.

  He looked to the floor and took a deep breath. Now or never. He searched her eyes and said, “I like you, Jane. I want to give us a try.” Liking her was the understatement of the century, but he didn’t want to scare her away by using a stronger word. “Will you have dinner with me tomorrow as my date?” His heart threatened to jump out of his chest as he waited for her answer. The wind rustled, and blood roared in his ears.

  She rubbed her face and looked anywhere but at him. She put her hand over her chin and lips and said, “I . . . I’m sorry. I can’t date you.”

  Her answer almost choked him, but he didn’t let her see his reaction. He stepped closer to her. “Jane, please give us a chance.”

  “I’m really sorry,” she said with a trembling voice, and as tears threatened to spill from her eyes, she closed the door.

  This was his worst nightmare come true. He didn’t even know how to react—he just stumbled backward into the night and his new life. He would never love anyone as much as he loved her, and he didn’t know if he would ever get over her. By
the time he had reached his trailer, he felt sick. Sicker than he had ever felt before in his life. He heaved into the toilet bowl until there was nothing left but emptiness and despair.

  As he wiped his mouth and slumped to the floor, the tears started to fall. He hadn’t cried since his dad had passed away, but he couldn’t stop crying now. He mourned all the dinner dates he could never have with Jane, all the kisses they wouldn’t share, but mostly all the love he could never give her. He had waited all his life to find her, but she was not his to love and never would be.

  Ever since he had met her, a toxic combination of uncertainty and hope had reigned over him. After months of mixed signals, at least he now knew that she didn’t want to be with him. He could finally move on and he would, just not tonight. Tonight, he would mourn his loss. He cried silently, deep into the night, until sleep took over and set him free.

  The next morning, he packed his hiking backpack and left.

  Chapter 9

  According to the alarm clock on her nightstand, it was 3:17 p.m. Jane was already seventeen minutes late for work, but still lay in her bed without moving. She just stared at the clock ticking away. It had been six days since the hot phone sex with Matt and five days since the earth-shattering kiss that had left her enthralled, fervent, and very much alive. She could still feel his touch and would probably feel it forever.

  It had also been five days since Matt had showed up at her door, and she had rejected him like the fool that she was. Without Matt, her soul felt numb. Bereft of happiness, she could hardly motivate herself to go to work anymore. She couldn’t sleep or eat. Without him, a great silence overshadowed her life.

  Ever since he had left that night, her soul was slowly and silently dying like the lilies that still lay on her kitchen table. They would have looked too cheerful in a vase and would have reminded her of all the dates she and Matt would never have.

  Fearing to release the beast, she hadn’t cried. Numbness, however, was like anesthesia—it helped her endure the pain. This was her winter—she was in hibernation and hoped that spring would never come.

  Rattling keys jolted her out of her thoughts. Alec.

  Alec took off his snow-covered winter coat and heavy boots, made his way to her bed, and sat down next to her. “This was on your doorstep.” He handed her a small Christmas present wrapped in paper that displayed kittens dressed as Santa. Big, sloppy silver letters spelled “Jane.”

  She sat up to read the note that came with the present. “Found this in Matt’s trailer. I believe it’s yours. Cheers, Callum,” the note said. Oh no. She had left Matt on Christmas morning before he could have given it to her. Afraid of breaking into tears, she started to put the present away. She couldn’t open it in front of Alec.

  “I want you to open it,” Alec said with a stern voice.

  She reluctantly tore the paper and revealed a pocket-sized photo album. It was full of pictures of her cat Belle. This was the most thoughtful gift she had ever received. Matt had understood how much she missed Belle while working, and the album was probably meant for her handbag. Under Alec’s watching eye, she went through the album. Her heart constricted when she saw the last picture. It was a selfie Matt had taken when they had visited Belle at the kennel. Jane had Belle on her lap, and Matt was hugging them both from behind. It looked like a family photo one would send to their relatives for Christmas. She quickly put the album away and avoided Alec’s eyes.

  “Tell me you don’t love Matt.”

  “Alec.” Her voice was weak.

  “Tell me!”

  She started crying.

  Alec got up and paced the room. “I have suspected it for some time.”

  Words were failing her. She wrapped her arms around her legs and cried into her knees. “I’m so sorry.”

  For long minutes, they both searched for words, but couldn’t come up with anything. The silence was only disturbed by her sobs.

  “You know why I suggested an open relationship?” His voice was much louder than usual.

  She sniffled and shook her head.

  “Because I knew you were scared of commitment and I didn’t want to lose you.” He laughed nervously. “But I can’t do this anymore—it’s either him or me, and we both know the answer to that.”

  She couldn’t deny what she felt for Matt. “I didn’t intend to fall in love,” she whispered.

  “Have a good life.” Alec grabbed his jacket and left.

  She called in sick and spent all afternoon crying. In tears, she called Callum and asked where Matt was. Matt hadn’t shown up at work since the kiss, and Robert and Marice were pissed that Matt had taken time off without prior notice.

  After some convincing, Callum gave in and revealed that Matt was staying in a cottage near Loch Lomond. She couldn’t let him lose his job over this. She had to find him and explain. It was all her fault—she had strung him along all this time because he had made her feel good. If he didn’t want to work with her anymore, she would resign.

  The BBC had forecast heavy snow with significant windchill for the next morning, and by the time the Uber driver had dropped Jane off near the cottage, thick snowflakes already fell from the sky. A deep freeze had engulfed Loch Lomond and turned her breath into vapor.

  From the small road she now stood on, it was only twenty minutes through the forest to the cottage according to the map on her phone. With the night closing in, she had to hurry up. Navigating in deep forest without landmarks, street names, or a GPS signal proved more difficult than she had thought, and she soon wandered around aimlessly, keeping an eye out for the cottage.

  As the snow piled up around her, an ominous silence fell over the forest. The snowflakes tickled her throat and found their way down her neck into her hoodless jacket.

  An hour had passed—she should have long reached the cottage by now, but it was nowhere in sight. The wind picked up and penetrated her jeans with absurd ease. She shivered and clutched her jacket closer to her body.

  She shouldn’t have come, not this late or in this weather. It was too dangerous—no one even knew she was out here. Why did she even come? What was there to say to Matt that wouldn’t make things even worse? This is all so stupid. She would retrace her steps, find the road, and go back home.

  She passed oak tree after oak tree in a blur. When night fell upon the forest and she still hadn’t found the road or the cottage, she panicked. She hated asking for help, always had, and asking him after all this was even worse, but she hit the call button and hoped that her drained phone battery wouldn’t die.

  She let it ring until it went to voicemail. Damn it. She rang him repeatedly, but he didn’t pick up. In case he just didn’t want to talk to her, she left him a message with chattering teeth. “Matt, this is really stupid, but I wanted to come talk to you. Callum gave me your coordinates, but I’m too stupid to find the cottage. If you get this, please call me back immediately.” She started sobbing. “I’m in the woods, and it’s freaking cold. Please call me.” Just after she ended the call, her phone switched off. Shit, shit, shit. Tears of panic stained the cold skin of her face.

  Without her phone, she didn’t know how much time had passed, but it felt like hours. Her muscles were so cold by now that it was hard to move. She sat down on a snow-covered log of a fallen tree and tried to get her violently shivering body under control. He has to find me.

  “Matt!” she cried into the night. The wind weaved through the tree trunks and blew her words away.

  She sat on the log for what felt like another hour, and her heart rate slowed down drastically. Her vision got blurry and as much as she blinked, it wouldn’t clear up. She felt nauseous and closed her eyes. If she survived this, she wouldn’t let fear hold her back anymore, and she would start living.

  A tremendous tiredness overcame her, and she lay down on the log and dozed off.

  Something tickled her face, but she was too exhausted to open her eyes. Where was she? Waves roared in the distance. She must have fallen aslee
p on the beach. And where was Matt? Maybe he had gone to buy them dinner at the market. She opened her eyes and the white sand under her hands turned into snow. Shit—she had been hallucinating.

  She had always thought that dying would be a great struggle, but it turned out to be quite the opposite. Dying was when you stopped struggling. He wasn’t coming, and she had to find shelter if she wanted to survive the night.

  Waves. Matt would want to be close to the lake—maybe the coordinates were off from the start. Fueled by newfound confidence, she followed the steeply descending glen, which would hopefully lead her to a lake. Her feet were icicles, and she tripped every few meters. She cried when she saw chimney smoke in the distance. Just one step at a time. I can do this.

  Finally, a small, beautiful stone cottage appeared before her eyes. Her rescue. As she banged on the door, her frozen hands almost shattered to pieces. Please, please, please open up.

  Flames leapt up as Matt tended the fire. A flickering light filled the homely cottage that belonged to an old school friend of his. Matt had needed to get away from it all. Away from Jane. He had taken two weeks off from work, and after almost a week, Jane was still all he could think about. He was afraid of going back and facing her again, and didn’t know what to do once his time was up.

  Exhausted from feeling, exhausted from crying, being out in the woods helped him recharge and breathed new life into him. Before going to bed, he boiled water for tea in a kettle by placing it on the coals in the fireplace. Snow began to fall faster outside. With a blizzard starting, he added more wood to the fire to keep warm all night.

  Bang. Bang. Bang. Wind rattled the heavy wooden door.

  The kettle whistled. Matt took it out of the fire and sat it down on a cork pan coaster on the small wooden table.

  Bang. Bang. Bang.

  Was someone out there in this weather? Callum knew better than to come by tonight. Matt sprinted to the door and swiftly opened it. Close to the door, Jane kneeled with her hands on the ground. Seconds passed as he looked at her and struggled to comprehend what was happening.