The Tangled Tears

by S.M. Bjarnson

  Lost at Sea

  25

  I awoke in a stutter. The breeze from the moonlight entered my room promptly. Whispers of the wind playing hide and seek with the hotel curtains, tantalizing my toes with a chill or two. The only memorable moments in her life had been like. Taken abundantly away, like the rising and receding water of the tide. The waves keep crashing over beckoning solitude on my skin and there I was just staring off in the sand of times. I lay there letting the tragedy beat me until I no longer own a past just a future.

  Business holiday with my emotionless father was a last minute whim we both were surprised that he offered and I accepted. I watch the sunrise come up behind the ripples of the ocean. Winter never got to see the ocean. Chatt was going to take her there for their honeymoon, it was a surprise. I pick up a chilled rock heavily developed in the ground. I throw it far off into the distance dropping out of sight.

  Anger starts flouting, pushing out streams of hot drops. Hope once again given up. Miniature rocks stick to the outline of my unspoken figure. People would stop and stare. Maybe question my sanity, but no one is around to judge my delusions of denial.

  The waves clash against my curious toes. The water is cold, very cold, too cold. It seems like the ocean goes on forever. The sunshine beckoned unto me, like I was supposed to be something so radiant. I thought about losing you and allowing you to go. The more I thought about it the more I ignored it. I thought about loving Jenkins, but reminded myself I didn’t deserve to have that kind of adoration. I see no point in trying to prove my worth.

  Piles of miscellaneous wood and seashells scatter upon the vacant shore. Wishes, I make. Promises, I break to you. I don't know where to go from here; I am a sail boat without my sail.

  A Seal to Break

  26

  It was well past midnight. The stars glistening the way they usually did during these cold November nights. I just got back from California. I would call Jenks but, he's probably hanging out with his friends. So I drive to a secluded park in my town. I park my car at the edge of the gravel lot. I open the door to let in the fresh night air. Step out into the darkness putting on a checkered jacket, blocking out the chills.

  The swings frosted with ice. Silent to take a seat in the scene of the evening. Sway forward than backward, making a list of wishes and a poll on possible dreams. The breeze on my face reminds me of a time when I was a child. I glance at the swing next me. The stillness of it makes me cringe. It will be her 20th birthday tomorrow.

  "You lied to me, Winnie." Spoken to the abandoned park.

  "Being a senior isn't quite as cool as you led me to believe, sister." My eyes shut laughing to myself.

  "How ridiculous is it that we are named after a season and a flower? Like really, nothing better on the list of names." Sight casted down at the ground. Shameful for speaking about her name in such a way, as if anyone heard me anyway. Everybody loved her, but she really didn't care about being accepted.

  She would bring me along with her to parties or sleepovers. Not because she was forced to or was asked to. She wanted too. If it wasn't for her no one would even call me anything than Winter’s little sister. I would be a background to the world, an old forgotten painting. She was a free spirit, so easy going, loved everyone who seemed to cross her path. She brought me along so I could experience events. I was the opposite of outgoing. Tiny group of friends. Mediocre if you wish for a further explanation.

  Snow was falling now. I have a detestation for snow. Flakes coming down harder. I start to the parking lot glancing back to see the swings swaying as if waving a goodbye.

  "Maybe, if it was snowing that day, you would have stayed home."

  A dark car is parked a little ways away. I can hear the music playing, the beats bouncing off its metal frame. I don't want to even begin to imagine what they are doing in there! I keep my gaze steady and quickly move to the driver’s door of my father’s car. The car looked somehow familiar and in an instance I knew whose it was; Jenks. I look back at the car, the windows foggy. I can’t believe my luck! Irony slapping me in the face over and over. How repulsive! So much for being loyal, loyal as a camel’s spit!

  I honk my horn and I flash my lights. He pops up his head to see what the commotion is; of course he cannot see that is me. He puts his pathetic head back down. I honk longer, flash my lights a little brighter. Now he is angry, he kicks open his door, his blonde hair embracing the wind. Struggling to put his button up over his bare chest. Compulsive to laugh, metaphorically speaking I was laughing like a red nosed clown on parade day. How messed up am I? Freaked out by my laughter, he took caution approaching the situation.

  "What the heck, man! I am a little busy if you didn't notice!" He points back to the car.

  "Foggy windows with hand prints running down them, getting a little Titanic in there?” I smirk in the darkness. He can’t seem to find the humor.

  “Titanic? What does that have to do with…Oh, Autumn. Is that you?” He shuffles to pull his clothes on tighter and with more disclosure.

  “I was swinging. What were you doing?” My folded arms let little leeway for interruption, rather than corruption.

  "Autumn, why are you out here so late? I was just...umm." He mumbled over his words, trying to find the right thing to cover up his actions.

  "You were doing what exactly, playing prince charming to some other damsel?" I tease. I don't know what he thought was more shocking, the fact that I was laughing or the fact that he got caught.

  “Now come on Autumn you don’t really think I would cheat on you!” His eyes never meeting mine.

  “See, I thought being loyal meant not smooching other ladies. Glad you cleared that up for me. You look surprised to see me. I told you I would be back late tonight." Nods in agreement.

  We stood there in silence for a couple minutes, the girl occasionally peering out toward us, wondering what was taking Jenks so long. I would wave back smiling; not recognizing who the girl was.

  "Well, I should be going it’s getting late." I walk up to him pat him on the shoulder.

  "Have a goodnight Jenks, tell your playmate I say hello. Maybe you can explain to her why you took so long out here." I smile, turning back to my car.

  "I made a mistake, Autumn. Come on this is means nothing. Nothing to me, like you do." I hear his whispers, he shifts his arm back at the still car.

  “Does she know that? Besides killing two birds with stones. I’ll catch you later." I get in my car, and drive away. I stare back in my mirror to see him standing there half dressed, frozen in suspicion. My thoughts in a tangled mess. I thought I was special, like he had told me so many times before. You thought wrong, AJ, you know you’d never be given a chance like that. It's not your fault, you’re not Winter. I know, I admit to my demeaning self. As I turned the corner I could still see him standing there watching my tail lights fade into the dawn of the morning sunrise.

  Terms of Agreement

  27

 

  Knocks on my door always eager to wake me from the sweet slumber.

  "Autumn Jazmine? Chatt's cousin is out here, he wants to talk to you. Should I let him in?" Good ole dad, awake early enough to greet the morning birds. No sense of staying mad.

  "Sure." I grumble.

  "Go on in, Jenkins." My dad pushes the door open wider. Jenks pushes past my father, saying a silent thank you shutting the door.

  "Autumn?" He whispered. "Are you mad, angry, upset? You have every right to be, what I did was unforgiveable." Jenks acted grown up with his apology. I stayed mute under my sheets.

  "I'm not mad." I said, but he was on a roll to hear me say it.

  "Are you listening, AJ? Because, I am sorry. I had every intention of being monogamous with you." He trailed off explaining the whole situation.

  Her.

  "She just wanted to hang out, then it just got carried away. I swear I had no intention on being disloyal or anything towards you."

  She. />
  "I just got caught up in the moment...I didn't know what I was thinking. I just wanted affection.” He confessed, now I'm upset.

  "I was gone for a weekend."

  "What? Did you say something?" He stopped pacing to look at me, I could feel his stare through the quilt.

  "Not even a week it was only three days. Good heck, you go away two or three weeks at a time with your parents all the time. I go away for 72 hours and you act as if I'm gone for a year. Two states over is going too far. It is fine for you to go to abroad."

  “I’ve never had you when I’ve gone away." He sat on the edge of the bed.

  "I can only say I’m sorry so many times!" Sighs expressed.

  "Can we can talk about it some other time? I'm tired." I pat the pillow next to me, still not facing his direction. He slid off his shoes and got under the covers next to me.

  I let sleep take me, drifting from dream to dream, waiting to be saved once more. I finally turn over, where he lays wide-eyed and aware. He places a gentle kiss on my forehead. I burrow my head into his strong chest.

  "Jenks?"

  "Yeah?"

  "You are a dirt bag." Had to be said by someone.

  "I know." His voice lowered.

  "You are, there is no pretending it isn't true. We should get it out there in the open. You are a really big jerk."

  "I get. I know, I am already beating myself up about it. I don't know what I was doing with her. I know better."

  "Okay."

  "Yeah, I get it Autumn I am a dirt bag."

  I smile, not knowing what to say next, so I kept silent. He pulled my closer and held me tighter.

  I think he loves me...I think he cares about me. I exterminate the thought out of my head, before I can make out the last word.

  "You know how I feel about you right? I have strong feelings for you, Autumn. Strong passionate feelings." He looked into my eyes with a serious tone. Passionate feelings, whatever Jenks. I think.

  "Yeah, sure." Rolling my eyes sarcastically.

  "I'm serious, the moment you drove away I wanted nothing more than to be sitting next to you holding your hand." He picked up my hand, "...to have your purple fingertips touching mine. It made me realize you won't always stick around when I screw up. I'm sorry, AJ. I really meant it, I only want you. There is just something about you. I don't want to force you away from me, it will not happen again, I promise." He lifted my chin up to connect with his, making a kiss between our lips.

  "I know you are sorry, but I am still confused about that you did that." I turned over not saying another word.

  "I love you, Autumn Jazmine." He whispered in my ear.

  "I know, Jenkins." Closing my smiling eyes.

  Responding to Maturity

  28

 

  The next Monday at school, Jenkins acted forgiven. As if the previous weekend didn’t happen. He knows he is far from my good graces. He held my hand as we walked the halls to our next classes.

  In a quick motion he drops my soft palm. My direction towards him finds his vision captured by a girl walking our way. I look confused, his eyes on hers. Maybe this is the little scandal from the other night.

  "Hey, Jenks!" First name basis, interesting. Her eyes flutter as she says his name biting her pink lip gloss lips. The flirtations making me ill.

  "Is something in your eye?" I ask concerned. She stupidly repeats her mistake in confusion, while shaking her head.

  "AJ don't." Jenks demanded.

  "Jenks, a little defensive of your little peach." As her smile begins to fade I gather mine.

  "I'm sorry! Where are his manners? Didn't even introduce us, I'm Autumn, and you can call me AFJ." I say politely.

  "AFJ?" Found her voice once again.

  "AUTUMN FETCHING JAZMINE and don't you EVER forget it, sweetie." Proudly put in a humble manner, grinning ear to ear. Jenks put his noggin down shaking it. Confirmation that I was indeed the embarrassment of the century. She stares at him, like he will save her from the prosecution. The last self-respect I let her keep gather up for her to spoke.

  "I should head to pre-algebra. Just wanted to say I had a nice time the other night. Hope we can do it again soon!" His head shot up, fear struck him. That's weird only freshman take pre-algebra. I wonder what she meant by...oh alright then, that confirms the theories. She begins to walk away, smiling at Jenks one last time. I turn to Jenks, still not facing me. I twirl around to face her.

  "I didn’t catch your name?"

  "Cache. Cache Cooper."

  "Drake's little sister?"

  "Yep! He's my big brother, well I don't want to be late, it was nice meeting you." She turned practically skipping away in fear. Struck gold did yeah?

  "Cache Cooper, aye? How is that working out for you?" I turn toward him with a sarcastic tone.

  "It was one time." Shameful to say.

  "The only time! You got with your best friend’s little sister. You are an even bigger jerk than I could conceive." Enraged with being cheated on and more importantly who the partner in crime was.

  "Oh my heck! What else do you want from me? I can’t rewrite history." He acted as if I was making a big deal out of display not worth his time.

  "I bet Drake doesn't know you hooked up with his little sister!" My voice escalating in volume.

  "Autumn, be quiet, people will hear you!" Brushes off my words, caring about others thoughts over mine. This infuriates my core; I stop as he paces a few steps in front of me.

  "Jenks, you cheated on me with Cache Cooper! Not to mention your best friend's little sister. Jackass!" I yell, as crowds of students stop to listen to the new found gossip. Jenks rushes by my side.

  "What are you trying to do, AJ, make everyone hate me!" He glares at me, squeezing my hand tightly. I look at him in disgust.

  "No, you did that on your own." I unhook my hand from his. Anger stirs deep in his eyes.

  I walk away.

  "Okay, AJ! I will see you after class." The decency he had to say.

  "You don’t get it do you. I’m beginning to think you never will." I go into my classroom my head held high, courage glowing on my aura.

  Thoughts rush over me from every angle, everybody wants to know what happened and with who. I keep my lips shut, my mind blasting with words. Was I not good enough for him? Am I not fun or exciting enough? Does being a senior girl make you unattractive and unwanted in the eyes of senior boys? You're old news, Jaz. You knew he wouldn't stay interested, it's a miracle he was this long. Thank you self, love you too! But, let’s be honest, why would anyone want you, they only wanted Winter. I try to push out the hating voice pounding inside my head. Tears come to my eyes, but I push them away. Only one more hour and I am free to leave.

  "You know something has to be wrong in that department, if your man is going to a freshman for affection. Who, let's be honest isn't good looking on a good day." Monique whispers behind me as her immaturity flounders around her tight clothing.

  “Monique! That’s my little sister you’re talking about, have some respect.” Drake annoyingly interrupts the vomit of hatred I’m about to explode on the female. She clamored on with the gals around her; them taking in every word of how to keep your man, your man.

  "Oh really you would know all about keeping your-so-called man satisfied? They should just call you Déjà vu with a name like that I’m sure all they have are memories of other women. Boring repeats. I had no idea you were such an expert on being a mother loving whore. I'm sitting directly behind your incline of a bitch’s ass. I can hear everything you say, even if you whisper." I smirk like I know better, I wish I had known better. She turns, facing forward, being snooty about it. As a familiar voice laughs beside me. “You quench your pretty little lips, because you know you’re as much of a slut as you have respect for.” She flips her head around giving me the most awful eye daggering look imaginable, but honestly does nothing to me. I elect to think it’s the way her expression looks most of the time.


  Drake taps me on the shoulder, I look over my shoulder barely glimpsing.

  "Hey, Autumn, I just want to say what Jenks did was not cool. I had no idea they were like that.” Forgetting Monique was shouting whispers behind me, I turn to face Drake.

  "It's not your fault. Your sister probably didn't know about me." I half smiled.

  "Hope it gets better for you. I bet it's been rough." I turn back to the teacher at the board. Wishing I could get away from these philandering fools.

 

 

  Lead Me Away

  29

  "Hey, AJ!” I walk out of Economics to find Jenkins standing next to my locker.

  “Jenks?” 20th editions of history books I shove into my locker.

  “Let’s go to my house. I got that new movie you wanted to see.” His gestures made it clear I wouldn’t be into it. “You know that one with the explosions and guns. Okay so it’s one I’ve been wanting to see.”

  "Sorry, I'm busy today." Motions to move away from the rugged figure.

  "Busy? You only hang out with me." Oblivious.

  "I have plans with Aaron. Let’s get this straight you only hang out with me.” My backpack weighing one side of me down.

  “No need to get nasty, Autumn.” Nasty I indeed had not gotten to, but let’s give it a try!