The Tangled Tears

by S.M. Bjarnson

  “All your friends must be hiding their sisters, maybe even mothers as we speak! I am the only one nice to you. The one person who may have loved you, who cares now though." I take a few breaths. Stamp my feet away in defeat, but he catches me with words I would like to rip apart and burn.

  “Fine. I’ll go find Cache Cooper. She has all the time for me." Pressure pushed against my body onto his upper abs.

  "I bet she has more than enough time for you sweetie. Don’t you wish I had that kind of time?” My fingers fumble on subjects I could care less about.

  “By the way, how long do you think you can hold onto your crown before Drake gets ahold of you? Before every girl not only plays you, but leaves you standing in the cold."

  Drake stands behind me encouraging every single word, "...see who will think you are some sort of man when you have no explanation of one.” I keep my gaze steady, not backing down now.

  "No offense to your little sister Drake." A crowd of people forms around us, like all desperate high-schoolers do for a chance to star in some dramatic reality T.V. show.

  "None, taken. Her doings not mine. She has to live with the bed she laid in." Folding arms of with his virility still intact.

  "Drake come on!" Jenks tries to bargain.

  “You did this to yourself, man. Lied to me, made out with my little sister. Thought we were supposed to be friends. Not cool. You’re lucky she is even looking at you." His eyes darting at me. The attention making me nervous to cave. Cracks begin to form, only if it were my heart instead of my pride.

  The silence weighed on him, lying with his perpetuating smile.

  My hands form round at my knuckles, what am I thinking?

  "What are you going to do? Hit me!" His cockiness is cutting me down. He stared at me and in a second he knew what I really would dare to do.

  I pulled my left arm back, jolting it right into a side of the metal locker. Frustrations, my imperfections I had taunted myself with into that one punch. Tears fill my eyes. Teachers and presiding characters fill the gap of the group.

  His gaze slumps in surprise. Not believing the moments just shattered before him. My hand is in a smashed chaos; I’d never felt like a queen before. The crowd around me cheers at my victory or outbreak. Either way I can’t help but smile a little. Aaron comes rushing toward my side.

  "What were you thinking?” He takes my hand and looks over the crisis. He shakes his head in disbelief. My strength unveiling who I might be.

  I look back at Jenks, he sat motionless on the cold ground, with fear drowning in his eyes.

  The pain was excruciating, but I held no hurt in the tone of my voice.

  "Wait!" I look back at him as we round the corner. Shivers in his own despair along with mine.

  "We have to get you to a hospital AJ! Now!" Aaron took me away wrapping my hand in his shirt. Aaron pushed me through the green doors as students made an aisle, still gaping in awe.

 

  Here Comes the Lecture

  30

  "What were you thinking, Autumn?" Winter would have yelled.

  "I was proving a point." I simply suggested to reply.

  "Are you crazy?" Paces the layout of my bungalow.

  "Most likely, if we’re even having this conversation."

  The bandages on my hand were unfulfilling and itched like a poisonous something or other.

  Aaron drove me straight to the hospital where I was greeted by my loving father. His composure reminded me he has not smiled at me since the incident of accidents.

  I raised my hand and gave a wave. His rolling sarcasm hadn’t come into play today. He although didn’t run to my side aiding my harmful intentions of self-proclamation. He picked up his cell phone and dialed the health insurance company.

  The nurse acclaimed in awe when the story was revealed. 2 fractured fingers, 4 broken knuckles had done justice for at least a few familiar spectators. I left the hospital with not much claim on victory but much more on pain relief. Thanks to my father and his new age ideas of mankind I was unable to achieve any painkillers higher then over the counter. Revamps of a modern way of thinking, I’m sure his secretary led him to believe. Despite the concern from the doctors, worry for pain tolerance in my heart and my bones. Dr. Graduated-Yesterday practically forced my father to accept the pains meds. Unlike my father, he did not make a scene, he shook his head and said a quiet thank you.

  We trailed back home. I found myself leading a line of whispering looks and dismaying gestures. I excused the injured to her solitary confinement.

  "Why did you leave me Winter? What am I ever going to do...” I would confess my deepest queries. Obstructions analyzed in my pathway to freedom. I can never think of what she would have said to me after that one, that would be satisfying or healing enough. I would end the conversation there; I miss you.

  I shut my eyes. Admit the scorching pain to overweigh me. Formations of tingling creating a numbness in my bones. The cast around my hand possessive to a sort of reality. She was gone. I rested in the darkness of my specific coincidences.

  "What are you going to do?" She laid next to me, clothed in white, always in white. I shrugged confirmation of not a clue.

  "Do you love him, Jaz?" She would have calm down a little by now. Worried with my physical state, but also trying to comfort the mental perspective. Next to me, holding off any anger towards the situation away from the environment. I needed her now more than ever these days, wishing I could speak to her for a moment or two.

  "I don't know, Winnie." Sincere to her blue eyes.

  "Do you love me?" Of course I would reply.

  "Do you love yourself, sister?"

  "Should I?" Poetically adjusted.

  "It should not be a question, Autumn!" We would both smile and laugh a little.

  "You don't need this pain you put on yourself. No need to grieve anymore little Jazmine.” She would have whispered close by my ear. I would turn away from her comforting tide.

  "You don't understand… I have no one. You have Chatt in Heaven. I am alone down here." As she disappears, I remove her thoughts from mine. I slump to the ground, blending into the floorboards. I slip under my bed to cry and to sob, to be more invisible than I feel I already am.

  Striding from You

  31

  Today I ran for as long as I could, as fast as possible. It was good to breathe again. Along familiar lines and hidden roads, always ending up in the same destination, the exact location. The bridge, the rocks, the rough torturing waters. I dare walk closer to the edge. I lean over and gape in amazement. The memories of the sequences come at me. Nonetheless wrecked with remorse. Fear and guilt creep up inside me. I glance and stare, sadness takes me for an eternal ride. Before it can take me hostage, once again, I turn around and run from it. Past schools and houses. Past the parks and buildings, past the trees too, erasing them from my vision.

  Rumors questioning my sanity. Determination whether or not I falsified my whole life as a mirage. I was fleeing from existence, running from times I already gave up.

  My true sister left this green Earth adventuring in her next position in the universe. The vanity of having a good time claimed her life and that of her lover. Both souls swaying against the midnight currents. We were all in history learning about fact, when my imagination only dreamed in fiction. Enclosed, I am claustrophobic in the body and skin I claim. Unaware of the fore comings. Definite I know that they try to take me under, to also evaporate my existence.

  I am alive, leaning over I heave and tug at my throat for oxygen. Thoughts pushed out. Not to think about this or that.

  Just trying to survive with normalcy for a while.

  A black car drove by, not now.

  I paced myself steady to focus.

  "Autumn J, come on. Get in the car." He was speeding beside me as I raced away from him, always trying to save me.

  Grips of the broken hand, making a fist, stabbing more pain. Tears came to my eyes, my heart lessen
ing in power. Not today, I think as I run harder as the wind dries them up. Sprint away from this town, from him and from you. Forgetful of things that have broken me.

  Goodbye, crossing over the turnpike I elude the fantasy. I transform into someone new. I contemplate the makeshift observation as something always readily available. Communication has gone down and I am the only one onboard. I am the only one set here on the stage to survive. Once cast as her stand-in in the play. Each morning waking as the main character watching as I was accepting the bow for my own performance.

  What were the requirements to a mourn? Was it sudden demise of a young student, the colossal triumph of the tragedy?

  We waited as the verdict concluded their past in our lives.

  We awaited the proposition of who would take the place as a remarkable fit citizen. We are all qualified, not offered the job.

  Kiss of Forgiveness

  32

 

  I was sitting on the front steps when he pulled up. His car was daring. The cement captured my fake attention. Not to look too interested, like always. The sun was shining. Wind calmly brushing warmth by my toes. He sat down beside me. An effort to grab my hand. Carefully intertwining his fingers into mine. He tried to hold on tight, as if to hold back the fleeing. I wasn’t going anywhere, not today.

  "You did a pretty good job damaging your hand. Not to mention the locker you inverted. I paid for the school damages, don’t worry about it.” He states, accusingly. “Good thing it wasn’t my head." It was funny, I could have laughed, but didn’t.

  "Yeah. I guess…" I was staring at the fields, watching as the north wind trickled through the growing grass.

  "You okay, AJ?" He stared at me, but I kept my specific gaze. Might as well, let it go.

  "Last few months, my dad has been having nightmares. A few times I get up to go and comfort his night terrors. He screams to himself, “Winter, Winter, Where are you?" I kicked a rock away from the pathway. “Every time I get up and try to aid his worries he stares at me with disgust quoting I am not Winter. I could never be her.” I let the words shoot out my mouth. No strength to pronounce them. He grasped me in a caring hug. I almost indulge myself in it, but try to keep my need for comfort composure.

  "Honey, I'm so sorry. You don't have to be like her. You are your own to be." He pressed my head against his chest.

  "I love you, just the way you are." The madness still swirling tremendous inside, I refused to accept his ignorance as an apology. I wanted more. The natural pain killers making me weary to fight against his welcoming spirit.

  "Thank you." My eyes closed.

  "Let's go AJ." He picked me up, and put me in the passenger seat of his car. I was freed from guilt.

  ●

  I look out the open window. Vision moving back and forth in spectacle.

  "Jenkins. Why’d you pick me?" My answer sounding insincere, but I wanted the sincerity part of it.

  "You're beautiful." His smile was gracious; I didn’t want it to be. I wanted to stay angry for far longer than I held in me possibly. Aches in my proud indulgence telling me to walk away from his.

  "I'm serious. You’ve only showed me the secret garden? The secret world you worked so hard on for an escape. What made me so special I received the gift to see?" Waterworks swirl around my eyes like pools above the drain. He began to speak, but then retracted his words. He lowered his head and shook it. Frustrated we were yet going over this topic once more. Maybe there were no words for explanation. There was a feeling inside no one could describe and perhaps that was the mute of his words.

  "Jenks, I have nothing to give you. I don't know what you want. I might as well be a nobody." I admit, willingly.

  "You’re not though. You are Autumn Jazmine and I just want you." He put his head in his hands. "That's all I need." Any other girl would be ultimately satisfied with this answer. Any other girl, but me.

  "Then, tell me what makes me so special. Tell me what makes me so good that I get to have a life at all when…because I really do not understand." My words were spitting, and my tears creeping.

  "There is just something about you!" He grasped my face in his hands.

  “I do not know why things happen. Why some people survive when others die. Surviving isn’t the curse, losing the will to continue is the jinx. We are living for Chatt and Winter. They had their lives and wish the best for ours. They want us both happy.” His arms open, like I was the lost cause I saw my reflection as.

  "No, I don't think so. It shouldn’t have been her! You know that, everybody knows that!” I sighed, knowing all too well the standards I ached to live up too.

  "This isn't about your sister, AJ! This is about you, and who you are!" He placed a finger on a cold heart.

  "People may laugh and stare, but you don't care, you just brush it off. You have so much courage, you are not afraid to stand alone. You are the first person to stand up when someone is getting scrutinized. The first to be their friend. You stand up, because, you can and it’s the right thing to do. You are the coolest girl I know, you don't fight, you don't get upset or angry over silly matters. You are just chill most of the time.” Looks at my broken knuckles confirming the one outbreak. “I love it and I am so lucky to have you, you have no idea how grateful I am." He placed his arms around my shoulders. "I showed you that, because you needed a new world. I wanted to give that to you…" He dropped his arms, holding onto my soft hands.

  "I wanted to show you that there was a better world out there, an environment you could create, one you are able to control. A world that could save you from all your hurt and all your pain." He kisses my forehead.

  "I am frightened, though." I grinned, he rolled his majestic eyes.

  "Thank you, Jenks. It does mean a lot to me. I just wanted to know, know why I was special, all by myself." I kissed his lips as he carried me away not only to his fairytales, but ours. The one we shared and started creating together.

  Thank you, Needless to Say

  33

  Reasons in my head tell me I can’t possibly deserve this. There are times in my life when everyone around me is a gaping stranger sent into my world to tell me I am improper. My father always looking beyond me, never seeing who is actually there. His cleanse for his mourning leads me to believe the only thing he caters to think about is that he lost his divine daughter. The first born was taken when in a chance it was his 2nd he wished to become extinct. I realize I am imperfect. I acknowledge that her demise was a choice given by destiny and might have been the one mislead.

  Doubts fill my mind and I wonder if the stupidity was lingering upon my skin, along with my cranium. Something inside me told me I needed him. I wanted him, he ached for me. Was I being foolish for trusting him again? Was I being the fool once more? Did I have reason to trust him? He had come to my house every day for three weeks straight. He would leave things, when I wouldn't go to the door, little notes or letters, sometimes poems. Before he would leave he would look up at my bedroom window and wave to me as he drove away into reality once again. On the morning of the last day he came to my house, which ended his streak of trying for forgiveness. I told him a secret. You can make a heartbeat, you can break it in two so that it is broken, but you can't make it heal.

  Puzzles gathered all around my mind. He loved me, so he said. Did he? I wondered every night I put my head down to sleep. Sometimes, I would stop and stare at him to see if he had really changed, to see if he had a mask on. He never failed, there was no mask. No other side of Jenks waiting to surprise me. There was one. Who changed his appearance of an arrogant being to more attractive personalities. He changed for a becoming woman, who seemed to steal his heart overnight.

  I kiss Jenks, coming back to our romance. He kisses me back. We just make sense he told me.

  "We connect. There is just something about you and about me that makes everything better AJ. I know you feel it too." He stared down into my brown eyes. I blinked away, embarrassed that I was able
to be this special creature.

  "I know." I replied turning the afternoon into the evening.

  "I need you, AJ." He held me as I lay on his chest.

  "Why?" I ask breathing out in a sigh.

  "Because, I'm afraid..."

  "You aren't afraid of anything?" I sit up and confront his lingering sad eyes.

  "I'm afraid of losing you." He turned his head and looked away.

  "What are you talking about? You're not going to lose anything. Unless you cheat on me again and if that happens then I don't know if I would ever talk to you ever again." I made a joke, but he wasn't kidding.

  "Autumn, I'm being serious...I was so stupid before, I am sorry I ever looked at another girl. I have just been thinking about how much Chatt loved your sister." He sat up putting his head into his palms. I sat there in silence. "He loved her so much that he couldn't; wouldn't be without her." I sat there frozen, not wanting to think about her. "You know after their first date, he drove over to my house and he told me she was the one. I told him he was crazy you are only a teenager what did they know of true love." Jenks positioned his chin on the platform of his knuckles. I listened carefully; I knew a tremendous amount of things about Winter and Chatt, but not necessarily specifics on Chatt’s side of the story.

  "He said, you are only 14 what do you love? Action figures? We wrestled a little bit and then he gave up. Lying on the grass he said I just know Jenks, Winter and I are meant to be." It was true when they were together there was a light surrounding both of their circumferences. They really just brought each other to life.

  "What does that have to do with us? You're not Chatt and I am not Winter." Saying it so softly.