The Tangled Tears

by S.M. Bjarnson

  "Because, it's what we are. We may not have the energy or the radiance like they did. But, we are nothing short of that kind of love." He looked at me, with something new in his eyes. Real love.

  "Yeah, they were together for four years, they basically grew up together through high school." I am confused, why was he comparing us to them?

  "So, we can be together for three years or 300, AJ. Let's grow together. We have that love, Autumn Jazmine. I want that love with you, I always have." I start to walk away with all this silliness.

  "We are each other’s meant to be." I left him on the downstairs couch. Striding up the stairs wondering what was happening. I wasn't confused anymore. I knew what he was saying and what he wanted me to know. But, I was a few keys higher than shocked. Nobody has ever loved me like that; nobody even mentions they have loved me, except Winter...

  He was behind my step holding me, in a careful hug.

  "I have to tell you something." I turned to meet his questioning face. I pulled him along outside.

  We sat on the swing set outside. He held my hand as I swayed back and forth, patiently waiting.

  "I was there on that day at the bridge." Admittance to a secret that no one else knew.

  "I know I picked you up." He said, unfazed.

  "No, no I mean I was there..." I was getting nowhere and I didn't know what else to say.

  "I watched them take their turn to jump, Jenks. I heard their screams. I saw them die..." I let it out, I held on no more, because it let go of me. "I hid in the trees for a while and I knew it wouldn't be the same going home. I knew I would feel the emptiness. After a while I just got up and started walking. In hopes I would find her and convincing myself my mind played an awful trick." I kept my head down, exhaling. Jenks stayed silent for a couple minutes; I shut my eyes as I tried not to picture her jumping to a definite demise she had no knowledge of. He grabbed ahold of my swing; he brought me close before the tears fell from my eyes. He gently, sweetly kissed me.

  "I love you, Autumn Jazmine." It was all that needed to be said. What could be said really and that's all I really needed to hear.

  "I love you too. Thank you." The clarity of whom I was thanking neglected to show preference. I waited for a victory song, in my heart I heard it ring true.

  We spent the remnants of the evening gossiping about our belonged families reviving the best days of our wonderful lives. I comment that we never brought up that appalling day. It was a day like this no key points that were brought to our attention about the fore coming of tragedies. A very minute that changes perception for every other day you notice for enjoyment.

  The one item bringing us back together, each day was we seemed to find a piece of ourselves in one another. Each day finding a little portion in between the sleeves of our shirts.

  Hop and love, tucked beneath the folds of skin. We began discovering happiness in the crevices of our bodies. Memorizing the feeling of life in our bones once more.

  Out of Power

  34

  As I walked into that hallowed house, the power was out and it was getting darker outside. I could hear my father upstairs in the shower singing about jumping in the cold water. I smile in the shadows, sometimes I had to love him. I walk upstairs to my room wandering in the darkness what I was going to do tonight. There was another party I could go to, heck there was a party even if there was four people in the room. Jenkins had no intention of going.

  I put on a yellow band T-shirt and head for the door.

  "Hey, Chai! What's up, you going to that party tonight?" Chattier than ever.

  "Autumn?" Surprised I wanted hang out.

  "Yeah! Ha, it's really me." I grinned a little. I heard her voice screaming with joy.

  “Do you want to come over here and we can get ready together like old times?" She practically yelled.

  "See yeah in a bit!" I hung up the phone and drove on my way. Finally, a night without stress or anything to control me. No dad, no Jenks, no one but me and that excited party.

  ●

  We arrive at the party, the place is both glowing and crammed with underage minors.

  People called out to us, Hey AJ, hey Chai. Everybody gave a sympathetic smile I laughed and waved it off quicker than it was given. We were chatting with guys and smirking at jokes.

  "Hey Chai, I am going to go find the bathroom! I’ll check with you later." I walk around the rooms and try to squeeze between kissing couples and crowds of drunken stupors.

  I realize in the back of my head I do not belong with these people, I never have. I turn down an empty hallway, as Gram Gunter came taunting behind me. He had more alcohol in his system then a barrel in a brewery. He starts making obscene comments, pushing me against the wall, he nearly falls over top of me. Notorious for harassing every girl in sight somehow, always getting away with it; the principal in his pocket of fans.

  The hallway was dim and cold.

  "Don't do this Gram." I try to squirm from his tight grips. Lunging his drink across the floor.

  "Oh, come on you do it for, Jenkins. Everybody knows you do. You’re a little hussy, you’re sister never was. Damn she didn’t have an ass like you do." His teasing sickens me. I can’t seem to stand straight, I hate this feeling of weakness growing. The music grows louder than I can seem to bear. I shift as he tries sliding his hand up the back of my shirt. I kicked him in his groin pushing him off his balance for seconds at least. He whips around and grabs my hair. Shoving me to the pathetic ground.

  "Chai! Chai! Chai!" I yell with all my might. No one seems to hear me, and for some reason no one is around to stop this act from commencing.

  "Please, help...Jenks!" I begin to cry with fear. My voice begins to die out, having no more strength to save myself. I laid there twitching on the ground, wondering how much pain my body could take. Nobody wants to fall victim to someone else’s rule.

  All the sudden I hear my name being shouted and my head hitting the floor. All I saw next were a psychedelic scenery of blues and pinks. The pain in my wrist vibrated to the broken pieces I had left of a hand.

  Jenks shifted from his position, he was lying in a vacant room alone not far from the hallway. He heard a scream and then his name.

  "Autumn?" He thought. Racing to the door he swung it open, seeing me pinned down by Gram's body weight. As he looked at me he rammed Gram into the wall, he stared into my eyes to see the pain and hurt it was causing. Fury raged inside his own eyes as well. I crawled backward into a corner, wishing I had never been born.

  "What the hell, do you think you are doing?" Jenks yelled at Gram pushing him against the wall.

  "Stop." I whisper, grabbing ahold of his arm. He thrusts one punch into the side of Gram's jaw. Aaron comes up behind them rushing to the liberation, as well.

  “You okay, AJ? Did he hurt you?” He gives me a look over. I shake my head I’m good.

  "She is mine! Don't you ever touch her or look at her again. You should have never came back to this school Gram!" He was knocked out. Jenks inched near me and I hugged my legs closer to me.

  People started cheering his name. Aaron leaped from my side to take a look at the big man.

  "Autumn, it's me. I'm not going to hurt you, you're safe now." To my aide assuring himself I was okay.

  "I can't believe you people just stood there and watched this happen, what is wrong with you?" He yelled at everyone surrounding us, his voice echoing throughout the house.

  "Are you guys kidding me, nobody stepped into to help Autumn? Not a single so called man here cared to stop a rape from happening?" The tone in his voice made it serious as he turned his view to me.

  “Every guy, maybe even all you girls are just like him if not worse.” His thoughts came across negative. Everyone seemed to get the message though; they should have stood up.

  His head and emotions in disbelief.

  "I'm going to take you home, AJ. I am going to take you somewhere safe." I shook my head slowly up and down.
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  I couldn’t hear the crowd, but Jenks was frustrated by their apologetic remarks.

  He cradled me in his strong arms, I clasped to him. He begins to let all his barriers down. As we walk out the door, I almost imagine them collapsing with each step we take from that statement.

  My hero in my dreams. He let go of the prideful status he relied so heavily on. As he held me closer, catching every tear that fell. I let myself go, I let myself be helped for once. I let comfort in, and then let the healing process originate.

  "I love you Autumn Jazmine. No one will ever hurt you." He whispered in my ear.

  Thank you, Winnie.

 

  Savior

  35

  Jenkins carried me into the house, my conscious state wavering. He laid me down on his arbitrary bed; propping the pillow behind my failing head. Eyes sealed shut.

  I conceive to remove the blemishes I have been reflected of. I twitch in this uneasy solitude. Sleep deprives me of deluding thoughts; they take me hostage and I am a prisoner into which I have no glory of being saved. Only by a mere chance of death. Fear is struck in my frontal lobe, fear of what might have happened, if this protagonist didn’t step into the line of climax.

  Thank goodness I had found myself a protector.

  He pulled the covers up over me, pulling my damp jacket off. Pulling my phone out of the side pocket; ringing as if madness had struck it.

  "Hello, no this is Jenkins, no she’s fine, just a little shaken up. She needs rest. I’ll have her call you tomorrow Chai." He hung up the phone.

  He texted my father that I was staying with a friend. He left the room, coming back with a glass of water and a cold rag to place on my temples.

  "Thank you, Jenks..." Tears began to flow down my cheeks as the unknowing emotions evade. He held me closer, quieting my whimpers, along with the qualms.

  "Don’t worry Autumn. I’m right here. I won’t leave your side." He held my hand as I coasted away deeper into the covers. He kissed my forehead, his arms fitted to my sides. I felt relieved to have him in my life.

  I nod, slightly.

  “You’ll be okay.” He touched the creases of the cascading blanket as I placed myself under. Music began to play in a far distant room; something sweet and quiet. I wonder where it’s coming from. A light glow begins to form underneath the door panel and I smell Lavender or Lilac.

  I wake up in the middle of the night, Jenks was making a bed on the floor. I patted the spacious spot next to me, there was clearly enough room on his king size bed. He twirled a blanket around and made a line down the middle and placed pillows down the center of the bed, dividing it evenly in half. Ridiculous I began to think, but then it made me feel better. He climbed onto the bed, he began humming and rubbed my back until I was calm enough to sleep. For the first time I didn't feel the need to cry, for the first time I didn't feel the need to be in pain anymore.

  The thought of being alone, not only scares me, irritates and freaks me out slightly. It terrifies me quite questionably. I sit here in the morning wondering and waiting for something I do not know of, I am fearful of the skeptics. Jenks is missing from the room, maybe he is in the shower or in the kitchen. I gain courage to stand, I go exploring. I start to walk down a long hallway, looking at all the pictures on the walls. Dinosaur fossils line the each wall, picture after picture, the formations increase, until I am lead to a room labeled, "EXHIBIT." As I look around with curiosity I turn the knob, I hear a gasp.

  "Jenks, is that you, sweetie?" A woman leans over a ladder to look at the face in the doorway.

  "No, I'm sorry..." I start to confess an introduction, but she says my name for me.

  "Autumn Jazmine Moion. Yes, I use to work with your mother, Josephine." She speaks getting back to her project.

  "Yes, Ma’am." I keep my head lowered.

  "How is she doing?" She asks.

  "I don't speak to my mother. She left us, so I wouldn't know." I shrug. "I was just looking for Jenks. I didn't mean to bother you." I turn to leave, quietly.

  "Oh, it is quiet alright. Jenkins is making us some hot chocolate, he should be up here any minute. You are more than welcome to look around, Autumn." She flicks on the lights as she continues on her balance. Animal skeletons hang from every angle and are propped up on every table.

  "Wow." Amazed by the sight, I admit. She climbs down off the tall ladder.

  "Thank you. I'm Janice." She walks toward me and shakes my hand with a smile. She has a perfect hour glass shape, notable fashion, exquisite amber hair.

  Winter would have loved her.

  "This room is amazing. Do you collect these or is it a hobby?"

  "Yeah, you could say that. Jenks's dad is the best they have. He is in Africa right now on a scavenger." She took off her gloves and put her hands on her hips.

  "He's an archeologist?"

  "Yes, my dear, he is." She smiles as if she just told a small child candy grew on trees.

  "Sorry, Jenks rarely talks about you or his dad. Come to think of it, he never really talks much anymore." She laughs at my discovery as she leads me to a patio where plants and windows are abundant. I can feel the cool morning air through the room.

  "Of course not, we are not around much to be talked about, but we write to stay in contact." She pulls an apple off one of the trees fully grown. She throws me one, I bite into something sweet and sour, but a new delicious to my taste buds.

  "That's why I am glad Jenks has you. You can keep him company when we are away." She pats me on the shoulder, and gives me what people call a hug.

  "My goodness, ever been hugged Autumn?" She jokes, I laugh slightly. Have I? Not since Winter died. She pulls back, gripping my shoulders.

  "I'm sorry to hear about your sister and Chatt. We couldn't make it back for their funerals. I know they loved each other very much. Jenks told me you and your sister were very close." I look away; she was my best friend.

  "I'm sorry I brought it up. No sense of bringing up difficult memories, when we should be rejoicing their lives." She smiles and gives me a, if you need anything don't hesitate to ask look.

  "Yes, you are right." I hear footsteps behind me.

  "Jenks, nice of you to hurry with our hot chocolate." Janice jokes with him.

  "I was looking everywhere for you two. Good morning honey." He kisses my cheek and whispers in my ear I love you. I look at his mother embarrassed. She smiles joyously, touching his chin.

  "I am so glad you have her, Jenks." She picks her things up and leaves the room. I turn around to face Jenks.

  "Why didn't you tell me your dad was an archeologist? This is amazing!" I twirl around the open area. He laughs at my childish excitement.

  ●

  We sit down for lunch, Jenks's mother has made us small tuna sandwiches. The sun is out and it is a warm afternoon.

  "Here you go!" She pours lemonade into our glasses, I feel loved. I smile gracious for the effort.

  "Thank you."

  "You are so very welcome. You can stay here anytime." She winks at Jenks.

  "I'm sorry, I should have asked or something." I slowly swallow my gulp of lemonade.

  "It is quiet alright, we trust Jenks, and so we trust you. No need to hide things." She smiles once again, like Josephine used when somebody would call her beautiful, but this smile was truly happy.

  "Thank you, it means a lot to me." I say as I pick up another sandwich.

  "I know it does, so you are welcome anytime. Call me Janice." She walked out to her garden and started watering the plants and singing with the birds. How beautiful and caring she was. I felt joy and love start to bubble inside me, as I giggled.

  "Thank you, Jenks. For bringing me here and saving me. I love...I love you." I spoke softly.

  "I love you too." He replied.

  "And if some crazy girl was trying to attack me, you would push her over and break her jaw, right?" He joked, making the situation and tension feel a little lighter.

  "Oh
, definitely, totally karate chop a bitch." We joked together as if nothing else mattered and we were in perfect harmony, just like life should be.

 

  Mother over Board

  36

  The snow is still falling and here I sit, still waiting. He promised and I believed him. Don't do this to me, not today. My disappointment floats around my head. Winter and Chatt’s anniversary today. December 31st, New Year’s Eve. The one day I want him to tell me everything will be okay.

  As I stare out at the billowing clouds my mind wanders back to her. Stubborn to ignore her requesting voice, even as it begs for my presence.

  Acts made in the declaration I force myself into the welcoming sun. It’s been a year and four months since the accident. I grab my yellow umbrella and face the fast wind of winter's air. I pull into a spot hidden behind a growing tree. In hopes she believes I am elsewhere. GO! I tell myself, there is nothing to fear on the other side of this tree. I've done this a million times. Today is special, today is the day they come together to be one. I grasp the handle on the door, hesitating before I step onto the black top.

  Pin wheels by her plot of land turning in the breeze. I like the pinwheels; I smile as their majestic colors twirl. I prop open my umbrella and face everyday fears. Stationed in-between Winter and Chatt's graves. It's kind of silly in an obscure romantic sort of way. Not yet married but they were buried next to one another as if destiny allowed for their lives to continue in harmony. Even their head stones spell out each other’s names. The letters TLA; True Love Always, quoted above Chatt & Winter’s names.