Dating Essentials for Men

by Robert Glover

  On the other hand, men seem to enjoy the feminine mythology because if gives them a seemingly wonderful prize to pursue – a prize they believe will transform and compete their life when attained. I suspect that some women also like the idea of being seen as mysterious and special.

  Even though most women know beyond a shadow of a doubt that are not special or mysterious, many have bought into the mythology and believe it is an essential part of attracting and keeping a man.

  What is the secret women are afraid of you finding out about them (and all the while, deep down hoping you do)? It is this.

  Women are nothing more than imperfect human beings!

  As mysterious or special as these feminine creatures may seem, they are just “wounded creatures walking the planet.”

  I don’t mean this in a derogatory way because we are all flawed humans. Even though we are all imperfect, it is interesting how some men respond when I make this statement about the female gender. I’ve had some guys actually verbally attack me for making such a “demeaning” statement about women. Therefore, it is important for me to make clear that referring to women as “wounded creatures” or “imperfect human beings” isn’t demeaning, it is loving.

  When you clear out your distorted beliefs and take women down off the pedestal, you can actually have healthy, balanced relationships with them. This process allows you to let go of rage, resentment, anxiety, and feelings of helplessness. It lets you really get to know women and find out if you like them for who they are. So from this point of view, it is respectful to “demystify” these seemingly mysterious beings.

  Ironically, when I tell women how men tend to put them (especially the good-looking ones) on a pedestal, they are surprised. The typical female response is, “you’re kidding, why do they do that?”

  A healthy woman doesn’t want to be on a pedestal and doesn’t want men to be intimidated by her. Healthy women are smart enough to know that this works against them. Most women want to be seen and judged for who they are – perfectly imperfect human beings.

  In order to relate to women as people and to create truly intimate, mature relationships with them, we have to explode some myths that surround them. By exposing and exploding the following five myths about women, my goal is to help you see women more clearly. As you come to see women as they are, you increase the possibility of getting what you want in love, sex and relationships.

  Myth #1: Women are Inherently Superior to Men

  When you listen to bad daters talk about women, you would assume that members of the opposite sex are the most evolved, self-aware creatures imaginable. While some women do indeed have their stuff together, this doesn’t explain the universal awe that BDs have for women (especially attractive women).

  BDs believe they must hide every flaw from these seemingly perfect beings. Most bad daters assume that the majority of women are so secure and evolved that they would never be interested in someone as lowly and imperfect as them (even when it is obvious these same women have tons of baggage).

  Ironically, in Western culture, it is actually safer to assume that the average woman has a fairly low opinion of herself and has plenty of emotional baggage. For example, a primary source of esteem for women in this culture is physical appearance. Since childhood, most women have been comparing themselves with every other female. As a result, many women are excessively self-critical.

  Just look at the standards of beauty that women are expected to attain in Western culture. Even the most beautiful woman can look around and find 10 women more beautiful than her. These unrealistic standards of beauty are a primary reason for low self-esteem in women, eating disorders, body distortions, a multi-billion-dollar fashion and beauty industry, and the perpetual question, “Do these jeans make my ass look fat?”

  In addition to unrealistic standards of beauty, other factors affect self-esteem in women. Statistically, one in three women in the United States will be sexually abused before she reaches age 18. Sexual abuse creates all kinds of emotional turmoil for survivors. It doesn’t make them damaged goods, but it does affect their mood, self-esteem, and their ability to relate with men in a healthy way.

  For various reasons, women have more mood disorders than men. They have higher incidences of depression, anxiety, borderline personality and psychosomatic disorders than men. Women attempt suicide more frequently.

  This information is not meant to put women down. It is just meant to help open your eyes and see women for what they are, perfectly imperfect human beings. Flawed human beings who are no smarter, no better adjusted, no better put together, no more emotionally evolved than YOU!

  Myth #2: Women are Complicated

  This is one of the most prevalent myths about women – that they are complicated and difficult to understand. This isn’t true; women are not complicated. While some women may be emotionally changeable and unpredictable, this doesn’t make them complicated. The belief that women are complicated or difficult to understand keeps many men feeling frustrated and off-balance.

  Men often ask with bewilderment:

  •“Why did she do that?”

  •“How come yesterday she was okay with that and today she blew up about the same thing?”

  •“Why does she always change her mind?”

  •“How come it is okay for her to do that, but if I do the same thing, there is all hell to pay?”

  •“Why does she say she wants one thing (a “nice guy”) and then does the opposite (date a “jerk”)?

  One reason women sometimes seem complicated to men is because the male brain and female brain are fundamentally different. In general, women have much more access to the right hemisphere of their brains than men do. The right side is the emotional side of the brain. Therefore, women’s thinking and logic tends to be influenced more by feelings than a man’s does. Since feelings change easily, so can a woman’s logic. This doesn’t make women complicated, it just means their logic might be a little more fluid than a man’s.

  Female hormones also have a strong influence on the seeming unpredictability of some women. Sometimes, a woman’s “unpredictability” is nothing more than the ebb and flow of female hormones – nothing complicated. Due to the monthly cycle of hormones, the average female brain can change physically up to 25% in a 30-day period (this is true)!

  Another reason some women seem complicated is the result of mood disorders. Nice Guys and bad daters tend to be attracted to emotionally unstable women. This can include depressed women, bipolar women, sexual abuse survivors, and women with borderline personality disorder (BPD).

  These kinds of mood disorders can make some women appear complicated – especially when a man buys into the women’s reality. This will always lead to frustration, especially if a man believes there is a way to make sense of an emotionally unstable woman’s changing moods or believes that these moods are a problem to be solved.

  Here is the one thing I claim to know about women – by nature, women tend to be security-seeking creatures.

  Once I came to understand this, women became pretty simple and predictable to me. I’ve listened to women for over 30 years as a marriage counselor. Over and over again, women tell me their biggest complaint about their man is that they can’t trust him or depend on him.

  Due to a deep emotional and physical need for security, trust means everything to a woman. Consequently, I regularly tell men that if a woman is acting in a way that he doesn’t understand, her sense of security has probably been threatened.

  So instead of trying to figure a woman out, take her as she is at face value. Set the tone, take the lead and let her follow. When you try to figure a woman out and try to please her, you are actually doing the opposite of what will make her feel secure.

  A woman’s security will come from you having a plan and being consistent and dependable. When she starts getting a little weird on you, step back and ask yourself, “How do I need to lovingly detach or set the tone in a more positive direction?”

/>   Don’t climb on her emotional roller coaster – she doesn’t want you there. She wants to know that one of you still has their feet on the ground. Following her emotional lead only makes matters worse (review the previous chapter on how to calm and soothe yourself when a woman is acting from her “lizard brain”).

  Myth #3: Women are Naturally Good at Relationships

  Most messages about relationships in our society are presented from a female point of view and aimed at a female audience. Oprah, Dr. Phil, and most books and magazines about relationships are directed at women. While the general female population seems to be veracious consumers of this information, it doesn’t mean that they are intrinsically good at relationships.

  It is foolish to believe that just because a person has breasts and watches Oprah, she is good at relationships.

  Sure, many women spend a lot of time talking about relationships. But talking about relationships doesn’t make one good at getting along with people any more than hashing baseball statistics makes one good at hitting a major-league curve ball.

  Ask yourself, if women are so good at relationships:

  •Why do they have to buy so many books and magazines about a subject they are supposedly experts on?

  •Why after watching so much Oprah and Dr. Phil do so many women still have difficulty taking charge of their own lives (why does Dr. Phil have to keep asking, “How’s that working for you?”)?

  •Why do women keep picking bad men (and stay with them)?

  •Why do women have problems getting along with each other (Put three women in a room and one will leave with her feelings hurt)?

  It is important to smash this myth about women, because in general, women don’t want to be in charge of the relationship. When a man lets the woman set the tone of a relationship, he is doing the exact opposite of what will make her feel secure.

  Women consistently tell me that they want a man who will set the tone and take the lead – not just where to go for dinner, but in the relationship as a whole.

  A woman shouldn’t have to figure out where to go on a first date. A woman shouldn’t have to pin a man down to get him to talk about relationship issues. A woman shouldn’t have to drag a man into couples counseling.

  Guys, it is your job to pay attention to what is going on in the relationship. Don’t put this burden on the woman. When men force women to be the tenders of the relationship, it forces them to become controlling and nagging. That’s not loving. Step up. Set the tone. Take the lead. Be honest, transparent, and revealing. Communicate. Deal with problems head on.

  Myth #4: Women Expect Perfection from Men

  Bad daters assume that women expect perfection when it comes to men. I frequently hear these men assert that the reason they don’t have a girlfriend is that women only want tall, good looking, rich guys with power. This is a self-limiting belief that makes a good woman seem unattainable to the average guy.

  Think about it, if a woman feels flawed (most do), she won’t be looking for a guy who seems more put together than she is. That would make her feel even more inadequate.

  Women are a lot more forgiving and accepting than most men believe. Your shortcomings can often be assets if you accept them without judgment (i.e., shy, anxious, inexperienced). Not every woman on the planet shares your negative view of these traits. It is your rough edges that make you interesting.

  A healthy woman wants a guy who is real, honest, and confident in himself – not a perfect guy. Women consistently tell me they don’t care that much what a man looks like or how much money he makes. What do women tell me they want? A man who is fun to be with, who will set the tone, and whom they can trust.

  Myth #5: Friends To Lovers

  Since most bad daters and Nice Guys don’t believe a woman whom they desire would desire them just the way they are, they often try and become a woman’s “friend.” These men tend to develop friendships with women hoping they will turn romantic in time. This is bad dating strategy and terrible foreplay.

  The hope of a friendship turning into a sexual relationship almost never works. Once a woman sees a guy as “just a friend,” this rarely changes. This is a significant way that women are different from men.

  Women don’t fuck a man they have gotten to know. They get to know a man they want to fuck.

  One reason becoming friends rarely works is that the guy has repressed all of his sexual energy toward the woman because he thinks it will scare her off or ruin their friendship. While the woman may enjoy having the man be her girlfriend with a penis, it does nothing to turn her on or make her think about him in a “boyfriend” kind of way.

  If you want to get a girlfriend or if you want to get laid, you have to get out of the “nursery.” This means you have to quit hanging around with women with whom you’re not having sex (this includes mothers, sisters, and female friends in general). These women are “safe” because they don’t represent any kind of a sexual challenge.

  Spending too much time with women with whom you aren’t having sex makes sexless relationships feel normal. If you want to find a girlfriend and/or sex partner, you have to hang out with women with whom these are realistic possibilities.

  When you spend too much non-sexual time with women, you quit seeing women as sexual objects (this is important even though we’ve been told we are bad men if we sexually objectify women).

  Spending too much time in the “nursery” with safe women stifles your healthy male sexuality. This causes you to lose your sexual aura. Women observe this and never even think of you in sexual terms (“You’re my friend, I couldn’t have sex with YOU”).

  Icing, Not the Cake

  Women are the “icing,” not the “cake.” If you are looking for a woman to be the “cake” of your life – to give you meaning, purpose, and happiness – you will always be frustrated and resentful. If you take responsibility for creating an interesting and full life by embracing your passion, leaning into challenge, and having good relationships with men, then a good woman will be the icing that tops everything off.

  The more power you give a woman to make you happy, the more power you give her to make you miserable.

  Women are people – just wounded creatures walking the planet. When you discover this secret and allow it to guide your life, you will be ahead of about 90 percent of the men out there. You will also be able to approach women with confidence.

  While women may look different, and at times, think and act differently from you, they are still just people. They are not superior to you, they are not complicated, and they won’t make your life complete.

  But women can be fun, challenging, and stimulating if you see them clearly for who they are. If you want to be able to approach them, talk to them, date them, have sex with them, marry them – you have to blast the myths you have come to believe to be true. You benefit and so will the women you meet.

  This is why you have to get out of the house, expand your route, and talk to people everywhere you go. The skills you use for connecting with a woman you find desirable are no different from the skills you use talking to everyone else. Talk to men, old people, young people, professionals, service personal, children, skinny people, fat people. You can’t wait until you see a woman whom you find attractive and then figure out what to do and what to say. It already has to be a habit.

  If you have been practicing the principles of testing for interest on a daily basis and you find yourself in a situation where you encounter a woman to whom you are attracted, it’s a no brainer. Just do what you have been doing every day with every other person you meet – talk to her.

  See how simple it is!

  Chapter 8: Break Your Addiction to Superficial Beauty

  Beauty fades, but mean, moody, and entitled last forever.

  A common trait of bad daters” is an obsession with “young” and/or “hot” women. While it is important for men to date women whom they find attractive, putting young and hot women on a pedestal is detrimental to both men a
nd women.

  While many dating books and seminars focus on picking up “hot women,” I believe this is misguided. These programs only perpetuate the cultural mythology around beautiful women. This keeps men feeling dependent and powerless around these women.

  Here is the curious thing about the dating and seduction gurus who claim to teach men how to pick up hot and/or younger women – not one that I’ve come across actually spells out what the advantage is of getting a hot or beautiful woman. There is just the understood assumption that we all know why this is a good idea.

  While having sex with a beautiful woman makes sense from an evolutionary point of view (it increases the odds of having pretty babies), an obsession with hot women is basically broadcasting a man’s low sense of self. Only a man with extremely low self-esteem would believe that having a young, hot, or beautiful woman would somehow give him worth, meaning, and value.

  I’ve listened to countless men who are socially awkward, under-achieving, and out of shape, unequivocally state that unless they can date a 10, they don’t want to date at all. One of my clients told me he was “lowering his standards by dating women close to his own age (this was the result of him being so intimidated by the young, attractive women that he desired, that he could never get up the nerve to approach any of them).

  This attitude is like stating, “Unless I can drive a Bentley, I won’t drive at all.” On the surface this attitude sounds juvenile, shallow, and superficial. But on a deeper level it makes sense.

  We have talked about how much anxiety most bad daters have in approaching women (any women). BDs find all kinds of creative ways to keep their anxiety in check. One of the most effective is to become obsessed with dating young and attractive women. Since most BDs really believe that such women would never give them the time of day, they are safe.