Dating Essentials for Men

by Robert Glover

  By setting unrealistic standards, bad daters can justify “not dating at all,” and stay at home, watch television, play X-Box, and not have to feel any anxiety.

  Just for the record, I make a distinction between “hot” women and women with natural beauty. My definition of a “hot” woman is a woman who needs to be noticed and validated for her physical appearance. This isn’t the same as having natural attractiveness or wanting to look nice.

  I want to be clear. I believe men should date women they are attracted to. But I also believe that it is good practice to talk to all women. Waiting until you see a woman whom you are “physically” attracted to before you practice your approach skills will only result in you doing nothing.

  There are a lot of really great women out there who aren’t 20 years younger than you, who don’t have big boobs, and who don’t spend thousands of dollars on clothes, cosmetics and plastic surgery. Get to know some of these women. If you’re holding out for the 10s, you’re going to miss out on a lot of really cool chicks!

  Reasons not to pursue Hot Women:

  •Beauty is only skin-deep (Beauty fades, but mean, bitchy, dumb, moody, and insecure are forever).

  •You are reinforcing the worship of beautiful women – for no reason other than beauty (Don’t you just hate it that beautiful/hot women have so much power in our culture – you give it to them!).

  •You have put women on a pedestal based solely on their looks and not who they are.

  •Only dating attractive women makes you just as shallow as the women who will only date rich guys.

  •Since you have put the hot woman on a pedestal, you will always feel inferior and anxious around her.

  •Any assumption you make about how a hot woman will be in bed is based purely on your imagination (and too much porn).

  •Her beauty will always be the center of the relationship.

  •She’ll never know if you really love her and she will have to continuously test to find out.

  •She will have no incentive to behave well.

  •She has no incentive to be good in bed.

  •She has probably been used (and maybe abused) all her life.

  •She is more likely to be a taker than a giver.

  •She will spend tons of money on clothes, shoes, makeup, spas, salons and plastic surgery.

  •You will always be late (waiting for her to get ready).

  •She will need a really expensive car to match her looks.

  •You will frequently be insecure and jealous.

  •Every other man will feel like a threat to you.

  •She will need the affirmation of her beauty and desirability from other men once she knows she has it from you.

  •It is easy for her to leave.

  •It will be almost impossible for you to leave.

  I want you to imagine something. Let’s say you are walking through your local mall and you spot a famous celebrity (it could happen). Let’s say you spot LeBron James, or George Clooney, or Jay-Z.

  How likely would you be to approach such a celebrity and start a conversation? Would you walk up to them and just starting chatting? Would you invite them out for drinks or dinner? If you are like most people, you would feel intimidated, you wouldn’t want to intrude, you wouldn’t know what to say, so you just gawk from a distance.

  Let’s take it a step further. What if one of these celebrities actually approached you and invited you to hang out with him? He invited you to go to Cannes with him, to ride in his private jet, to hang out in his mansion. How comfortable would you be setting the tone in this kind of relationship? How much time would you spend waiting for the other shoe to fall and for him to drop you as a buddy and take up with some other celebrity?

  Here’s the analogy. Most bad daters turn young and/or good-looking women into “sexual celebrities”. They put beautiful women up on a pedestal. Because they have made them into celebrities, BDs act just like they would with a real celebrity. They admire but don’t approach. If they approach, they do it awkwardly. If by some fluke, they get into a relationship with a woman they see as a sexual celebrity, they are passive and pleasing. They live in fear waiting for the day she finds a better man.

  Now tell me why you think it’s a great idea to pursue young, hot or beautiful women? Statistically, you are more likely to have success dating and creating a healthy, satisfying long-term relationship if you date close to your own age and appearance level. If you are a five or six, don’t fantasize about or pursue 10s. Don’t date down, but don’t chase beauty.

  Human attraction is based on so many more things than just physical features. Of course, finding someone you are physically attracted to is a good start. A woman’s physical features get your attention and motivates you to reach out and connect. But if you only approach or talk to hot women, or if physical appearance is the end all, be all of your reason for being with a woman, you are not only broadcasting your immaturity, you are in for a boatload of relationship problems.

  You are an evolving, complex, and interesting person. I expect that you would want a woman to be attracted to you for a multitude of good reasons, not just one superficial feature that you have little control over. A mature man is also naturally attracted to a woman based on a number of characteristics, not just what is visible to the eye.

  Is she:

  •Happy?

  •Generous?

  •Affectionate?

  •Smart?

  •Fun?

  •Playful?

  •Disciplined?

  •Passionate?

  •Honest?

  •Mature?

  Does she:

  •Have a good sense of humor?

  •Get along with people?

  •Treat people with compassion and respect?

  •Communicate well?

  •Handle her money with discipline?

  •Take good care of herself?

  •Like sex?

  •Work through problems?

  •Own her shit?

  I think you get it.

  Approach Vs. Attraction

  Here is the question I am most frequently asked in my Dating Essentials for Men programs:

  “What do I do when I see a woman I like? How do I approach her? How do I get her attention, start a conversation, get her number?”

  My initial response is usually something like, “What do you mean you like her? You don’t even know her! How could you know you like her?”

  Then the ensuing conversation goes something like this:

  “You know, she’s hot. I like how she looks. I’m attracted to her.”

  “Liking someone and being physically attracted to someone are two completely different things. I’ve found it helpful not to confuse them.”

  “Okay, I think she’s attractive. How do I get her attention without coming off like a creep or looking like I’m hitting on her?”

  “You are hitting on her! Why do you think that makes you a creep?”

  “Well, I just want to get to know her, find out if she’s a cool chick.”

  “Why do you want to get to know her? Because you like her tits? Her ass? The truth is, you hope that maybe you’ll get to see her naked someday. That is why you want to talk to her. And guess what, she knows that.”

  “No, really, she just seems cool. I just want to talk to her.”

  “Would you think the same way if she were 50 pounds overweight or twice your age?”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “The truth is, your male brain is sexually objectifying this particular woman based on a few physical traits, and you believe that because she turns you on she might make a good girlfriend. Because you have already put her up on a pedestal you now have to figure out how to get her to notice you, be interested in you, give you her number, go on a date with you, have sex with you, and keep wanting to hang out with you over time. That sounds like a hell of a lot of work to me. And you are basing all of this on a few physical traits. No matter what
your male brain is telling you about what she could do for you, it’s a lie. Just remember this: beautiful fades, but moody, mean, entitled, and stupid are forever.”

  “You mean I shouldn’t talk to her?”

  “I mean, finding someone physically attractive is possibly the worst reason imaginable for walking across a room and starting a conversation with a complete stranger. Maybe it would be easier to start paying attention to the women who are already drawn to you and giving you signals of their interest. Maybe you would save yourself boatloads of hard work and a possible lifetime of grief by choosing this kind of woman rather than chasing after unicorns who don’t know you exist and couldn’t care less.”

  “But I want a hot girlfriend.”

  “I know; everyone does.”

  Why Dating Essentials for Men is Different

  A primary goal of Dating Essentials for Men is to help men change their thinking and actions from “approach” to “attraction.”

  I’m not a fan of approach – and especially “pickup” – for a number of reasons.

  Approach is always based on attachment to outcome.

  When you approach you are trying to make something happen. By nature, approach (and especially pickup) is always based on attachment to a specific outcome. You desire a specific woman – usually based on her physical attributes – and you want her to desire you back (or least give you her number).

  Approach tends to be adolescent in nature (even when we try to convince ourselves it isn’t).

  The ego-based attachment behind approach is shallow: you typically want to engage with a woman for one primary reason – her looks.

  While it is normal to be attracted to young and/or attractive women, using a woman’s physical appearance as your primary reason for interacting with her is pretty one-dimensional and adolescent. It is every bit as shallow as women chasing after men solely for their money.

  Approach gives a woman all the power – it makes you the Beta and her the Alpha.

  You have put a woman you are attracted to up on a pedestal, and now she is the “decider” (especially if she is used to having lots of men put her up on a pedestal). That sets up a power differential that will never work in your favor. She gets to choose; you don’t.

  Approach creates a culture of entitlement in women.

  Men’s obsession with 10’s has created a dynamic in our culture in which women have so much perceived power and very little accountability.

  We men have given physically attractive women all this power for absolutely nothing. We value them solely for their having the dumb luck of good genes or for spending a lot of money on makeup, hair, and clothes. What is their real value beyond all that?

  By approaching women purely because we find them attractive, we men have given these women license to be entitled brats. Then we turn around and resent them for all the power we have given them.

  Approach is the result of male mythical thinking.

  Approach is always a manifestation of a male mythological mind that creates a fantasy of what an attractive woman can do for you.

  Your mind assumes that because you like the way her legs, breasts, ass, or face look your life will somehow be better if she were your girlfriend or if she fucked you.

  Approach creates a terrible foundation for an ongoing relationship.

  Even if something comes from your approach, it establishes a bad pattern from then on. You will always be seeking this woman’s approval, and you will probably put up with all kinds of crap because you don’t want to lose her and you don’t want to have to start the approach-dependent dating process all over again.

  Shifting the Paradigm

  Everything goes much more easily if you practice the principles I teach in Dating Essentials for Men that make you naturally “attractive” to women.

  Choose a woman who chooses you.

  Wouldn’t you rather be the decider about which woman you choose from among many great women who are already expressing high interest in you?

  It is much easier to walk through open doors than pound on closed doors.

  Approach typically amounts to pounding on closed doors, trying to gain entry. Attraction allows you to choose from many open doors. Walking through open doors is a hell of lot easier and more rewarding than pounding on closed ones.

  When I do use the word “approach” in this book, it isn’t in the traditional, “you see a hot woman you are attracted to and you walk across a crowded room to try to start a conversation with her” kind of approach.

  When a woman is sending you signals of high interest (IOIs), by all means, approach her. Introduce yourself to her. Test for interest. Walk through the open door.

  When you practice the principles I teach in DEFM and when you live an “attractive” lifestyle, you will begin to see women sending you all kinds of signals of interest. Some will be subtle, some will be a grab-you-by-the-balls-and-demand-that-you-fuck-her-now sign of high interest.

  When a woman is sending you signals of interest – smiling at you, holding eye contact, repeatedly walking in front of you, laughing at your jokes, touching your arm, flirting, repeatedly looking your way, standing close to you, positioning her body directly in your line of sight, leaning forward and flashing some cleavage – by all means, approach!

  But remember, you are the decider.

  Over the last several years, I’ve had no shortage of great women expressing high interest in me. I’ve had no shortage of loving relationships. I’ve had no shortage of amazing sex with countless fun, sexy women.

  Since I started living and practicing the principles of attraction that I teach in Dating Essentials for Men, I have often pondered, “What planet have I landed on?”

  When I shifted from an approach-based, “seduction” mentality, women started propositioning me, getting naked on first dates, and calling me at 11:00 PM for hook-ups. I had to start deleting women’s names and numbers from my cell phone every few months because I had so many and couldn't remember who they all were.

  I have never pursued young or attractive women, but the majority of women who express high interest in me are typically many years younger than me and very attractive (amazing how many of them were cheerleaders in high school – I never could have dated a cheerleader when I was in high school). I don’t chase these women; they come to me.

  I am not making any of this up, and I would not have believed it myself before I discovered what I am teaching you here.

  When you practice what I teach in Dating Essentials for Men you don’t have to chase hot women. Instead, you will naturally attract an unimaginable number of amazing women into your life.

  You get to be the decider. You get to be the Alpha. You get to be the man among men.

  Let go of the games, the banter, the tricks, the seduction, the buying women drinks, the volunteering to help their sisters move, the pounding on closed doors.

  Practice what I am teaching you in this book and learn how to create the kind of attraction that brings women to you. Then just walk through the open door (it really is that easy).

  You will wonder what planet you’ve landed on.

  Chapter 9: Create a Lifestyle That Attracts Women Naturally

  A great woman is the icing, not the cake.

  When I began dating in my late 40s after 25 years of marriage, I had no real idea how to get started. One of the first things I did was sign up for an online dating site.

  As I began reading the profiles of the women, I had a “holy shit” experience. It seemed like every woman online was living an amazing life. They all skied (downhill, cross country, water), sailed, hiked, danced, ran marathons, rollerbladed, ran their own company, drank great wine, and traveled the world. They all wanted a man who could match their lifestyle and who could spark instant chemistry – Wow!

  I quickly realized that these profiles were the result of women going a little overboard to try and make a good impression. There just weren’t enough hours in the day for these superwomen to b
e doing all the things they claimed to do – but it still got my attention. Online dating was a wakeup call.

  Creating my own profile was a revealing process. Since adolescence, I had believed that being a “great guy” would be sufficient to get a woman to notice me and want to go out with me. Unfortunately, being a Nice Guy only attracted women with problems that needed fixed.

  The process of writing my online profile illuminated the reality that I didn’t have much of a life. It hit me that being a “no-life” Nice Guy wasn’t going to attract the kind of woman I wanted. In order to naturally attract amazing women to me, I had to create an amazing life.

  It wasn’t that I thought I had to spice up my life just to attract a woman. I realized I needed to create a more interesting life FOR ME! So, I set out to create a passionate, active, fulfilled, interesting, growing, and happy life.

  I was right.

  The better my life has become, the better the women have become. The better my life has become, the less I have had to work at attracting the kind of women I want.

  Bringing Something to the Table

  People get into relationships because there is some payoff. Think about this; you want a relationship (or sex) with a woman who brings something to the table. What if a woman sat home all day talking on the phone, eating Ben & Jerry’s, and watching “Judge Judy?” Would you find that interesting or attractive? Would you think to yourself, “Man, that’s the ideal woman for me”?

  No! You want a woman who has something going on! Every man is attracted to different things in a woman, but every guy wants a woman who adds some value to his life.

  Ideally, you are looking for a smart, funny, flexible, passionate, and responsible woman who has a few friends, takes good care of herself and thinks you’re great. It helps if she reads a book every now and then, has some understanding of current events, pays her bills on time, and knows her way around the gym. Bottom line, you want an interesting and evolving human being.

  A woman like this is going to expect similar things from you. Fair enough? The message of this lesson is that to get what you want in love and sex, you have to take stock of your life. Just being “nice,” in your head, codependent, or good at World of Warcraft isn’t enough to attract a woman’s attention and keep her interested.