Dating Essentials for Men

by Robert Glover

  You don’t need a lot of clothes, but when it comes to the basics, buy quality. Your own personal fashion touch can include adding just a few nice things to your basic look. Like a great pair of shoes, a classic blazer, a great pair of aviators, or a nice watch (I get compliments on my Omega all the time).

  Just one or two nice things added to your wardrobe makes everything else look better. Women notice the little details and the quality (you do want a woman who recognizes quality, don’t you?).

  I frequently poll women what they tend to notice first about a man’s fashion. The most common answers are watch, shoes and overall sense of style. Mostly, does he look comfortable in his skin and clothes?

  Your personal style tells a story about you and your life. When I travel, I often buy fashion accessories. I’ve bought shoes in New York City, a silver ring in Mexico, a Burberry hat from Harrod’s in London. All have a story. When a woman comments on one of these accessories, I can tell her the story. Not only does it add a little flair to my basic wardrobe, it gives me a chance to tell women about my life.

  Shoes

  Women tell me that one of the first things they notice about a man (along with his hands and fingernails) is his shoes. Invest in good shoes. (You can buy great shoes at the Nordstrom Men’s Half Yearly Sale, Mid-June and late December).

  I remember the first time I paid over $200 for a pair of shoes. This was hard to do, but that pair of shoes lasted seven or eight years. The shoes really only cost me about $25 per year. I resoled them twice. I took good care of them and got them polished regularly.

  Find a shoe shine stand and get your shoes polished regularly. You’ll find it’s a nice treat, extends the life of your shoes, and keeps you looking sharp. A shoe shine only costs about $2.50 – cheaper than a latte!

  Even if you tend to just wear Vans or Olukai flip flops (both of which I basically live in here in Mexico) scuffed up or overly worn shoes send a terrible message to women. Keep your shoes clean, looking good, and good repair. Get rid of them before they look worn out.

  Asking for Help

  Most men need help shopping for what looks good on them. Ask someone to go shopping with you who has good taste. This can be a man or a woman. If you know a guy who dresses sharp, ask him to help. Ask a woman who has good taste, but I don’t recommend your mom or sisters. Ask your personal consultant to help you find things that can update your wardrobe, that look good on you, and will make a positive impression on women. Again, a few basics and few nice things are all you need.

  Have this person go through your closet with you and help you get rid of things that don’t fit, are out of style, or are worn out. One of the biggest mistakes men tend to make is to wear clothes that are too big for them. Unless you are a professional rapper, baggy and oversize clothing sends a negative message to women.

  Let your consultant help you make a list of things that you can add to your wardrobe over time. This will let you stay on a budget and find things on sale. Go through your closet twice per year and repeat the process – get rid of things that don’t fit, are out of style, or you haven’t worn in a year.

  “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.” – Mark Twain

  Your Home

  Women see your home as a reflection of you. The more your personal space is well organized, clean, and sensually pleasing, the more attractive a woman will find you. Women can’t help this response, it’s just the way they are programmed.

  When I would bring a woman to my apartment for the first time, I could see her sensual response. She wandered from room to room (including my bedroom), oohing and ahhing about the colors, my art, my candles, my furnishings, my bed. I’d watch her relax and touch things. She usually asked two questions, “Did you do this yourself?” and “Is it always this clean?” (When was the last time a woman asked you either of those questions about your home?)

  If your house is messy, dirty, disorganized or generally uninviting, you won’t want to bring women there. Women won’t want to come to a messy, dirty house. If your home looks like a college dorm room or is scattered with a few mismatched pieces of furniture that your ex-wife left you in the divorce, this will be a turn off for women. Remember, women notice the details and they want to know you’ve put some thought and effort into how you live.

  There are other benefits as well. By creating a warm, inviting, and comfortable home (and keeping it clean and clutter free), you will feel good about your personal space and enjoy being there. No matter where I’ve lived, I have created a warm, comfortable space where I feel relaxed and happy. I enjoy opening my door when I come home and experiencing the feeling of welcome and contentment that my space gives me.

  The second benefit is that you won’t hesitate to bring women home and they will enjoy being there. Odds are they will want to keep coming back. When I was in my dating heyday, it was not unusual for the women to come to my place 80% - 90% of the time rather than me going to their place. I never even saw the home of a number of women I dated. They all liked hanging out at my place.

  Asking for Help, Part II

  If you are feeling overwhelmed about where to start or how to make this happen, don’t worry. Ask for help. Ask someone you know who has good decorating taste or hire a professional. I think I have good taste, but having a professional decorator has made all the difference in my home. Many men need to start this process with a professional organizer. If necessary, hire someone who can help you get all of your stuff organized and stored.

  I suggest that you hire a professional house cleaner at least once a month. Then maintain that look yourself. Keep sinks, tubs and toilets clean. Vacuum and dust at least every other week. Clean windows and mirrors every month or so. Keep your bathroom clean. No towels on the floor. No butt hairs or pee spots on the toilet. Keep your refrigerator clean. Make your bed every day. Keep your dishes done and counter tops clean. Pick your clothes up.

  Every time you leave your house, leave it clean and tidy. You never know when you might want to bring someone home with you.

  All of the information above applies if you live in a large house, a tiny apartment, or a room in your parent’s home. Don’t use anything as an excuse to avoid creating a warm comfortable living space.

  Your Car

  Your car also makes an impression and says a lot about you to a woman. Men can get caught up into thinking they have to have a nice car to impress a woman. This isn’t true, so don’t use it as a self-limiting belief to give you an excuse to not date. As a single man I’ve driven a Jetta, a Subaru station wagon, a BMW, a Ford Explorer, and a Mercedes. I’ve found the kind of car I drive has absolutely nothing to do with how successfully I date.

  No matter what you drive, keep it clean. Wash the exterior as often as it needs it, especially in the summer. Always keep the interior clean. No garbage on the floors, no crap on the dashboard, no piles of stuff in the back seat. If you need to carry things in your car, keep some duffle bags or storage boxes in your trunk and put your stuff there. Don’t smoke in your car. If you have a cracked windshield or are missing a hubcap, fix it. Those are the kind of things that are easy to put off and live with. They are also the details that women notice first when they get in your car.

  Personal Behaviors

  It doesn’t matter how much style you have or how great your car or home look, if your own personal behavior is irritating, distracting, or crass. I’ve noticed that many BDs have behaviors or mannerisms that quickly turn a woman off. Since these mannerisms are often unconscious, ask a couple of close friends to tell you if you do anything that might irritate or distract.

  These socially inappropriate or distracting behaviors might include belching or farting in public, picking or wiping your nose, talking too much, being overly opinionated or a know-it-all, interrupting, avoiding eye contact, scratching your balls, drinking too much – things like that.

  Since most people won’t just tell you that you do these things, you’ll have to ask
. And since most of these habits are unconscious, you will have to consciously work to overcome them. Have your friends give you a predetermined signal if you are doing them in public. Not too long ago my mother pointed out that I have seemed to develop an unconscious habit of drumming my fingers. I didn’t even know I was doing it!

  Be Yourself

  The most important aspect of style is being yourself. None of the suggestions in this chapter mean anything if you aren’t being yourself.

  Don’t try and be something you aren’t. Don’t try and impress. Remember, every interaction and every conversation holds the potential to open doors that might lead to an exciting adventure with a Really Great Woman. Always be prepared for the possibility. Don’t be caught off-guard. Be ready to walk through the doors that open in front of you.

  Have fun, be yourself, enjoy the adventure. Remember, if paying attention to detail is where you find god, it is where you will find your goddess as well.

  Chapter 12: Use the Internet to Your Advantage

  Dating is a numbers game.

  Technology and the internet have opened countless doors for men and women to meet. Not so long ago, taking out a “personal ad” was considered something only losers did. Now internet dating has become common place with very little stigma. In fact, the internet has pretty much become the new meeting place for singles seeking partners.

  There are numerous ways to tap into the internet as a dating tool.

  Websites like Match.com, Cupid.com, Plentyoffish.com, and Yahoo.com allow you to post a profile and browse the profiles of prospective dates.

  E-harmony.com provides a similar service with more structure and the goal of helping you find your “soul-mate.”

  Sites like Adultfriendfinders.com will help you locate women who are primarily seeking sexual encounters.

  Facebook serves as a way to connect with peers on many different levels besides just dating.

  Meetup.com provides contact information about different kinds of social groups listed by city. Chat rooms and interest groups allow men and women from around the world to meet and chat around specific topics, games, etc.

  Craigslist.com can be used for just about anything.

  Tinder and Bumble allows you find women right around the corner.

  The dating and hookup tools available for you online keep changing and updating so quickly that by the time you read the list of resources above, they may be outdated.

  A Tool, Not a Crutch

  When it comes to internet dating, the men with whom I work tend to fall into three categories.

  •Some have never done it at all and it seems a little intimidating or stigmatized.

  •Others have tried it in the past but claim, “it didn’t work” (a common refrain of bad daters applied to many things they tried just once – before giving up).

  •Those who use the internet as their only avenue for meeting women because it is less frightening than actually talking to them in public.

  The internet is a great tool for meeting women and dating – a tool that opens many doors that might not ever open in the course of a man’s daily life. Meeting women online is a great way to get started with dating. Dating websites provide a pretty simple and straightforward way for a man to insert himself into the dating world. Writing a personal profile tends to force a man to evaluate his life in a way that allows him to see his strengths and weaknesses.

  There are drawbacks to internet dating though. It can become a crutch to avoid actually dealing with women in the flesh. A man can easily get caught up in messaging with women whom he has never met or get involved in long distance relationships that have no hope of ever working out. Online dating allows a man to stay at home in front of a computer while deluding himself that he is actually having a life.

  Finally, online dating is “inorganic,” it isn’t natural. Online, people get focused on things like age, body type and income and use a fuzzy two-inch picture to make choices about whom they will or will not contact. Typically, when people meet each other in public situations, these factors aren’t as significant.

  As I have stated many times in this book, I am a big advocate of getting out of the house, expanding your route, and talking to people everywhere you go. This is the real world. This is where you meet people in the flesh. This is where doors open. This is where “miracles” happen.

  The internet is a great tool to meet people and expand your world, but it is just that, a tool, not a crutch. Online dating is one more way to meet women and get you out of the house. My suggestion is that if you are going to use online dating, it should only make up about 25% of your total dating effort. The rest can from things like speed dating, singles mixers, church groups, classes, social groups, and from getting out of the house and talking to people everywhere you go.

  Low Frustration Level

  Before we get into some ways to effectively use internet dating, let me briefly address the issue of “I tried it before and it didn’t work for me.” As I said, this is a common lament of bad daters. One fairly consistent trait of BDs (and maybe one of the primary reasons they are BDs) is a low tolerance for frustration. Bad daters tend to give up easily. They abandon a principle or tool the first time it doesn’t work or the first time they get rejected. If at first they don’t succeed, BDs often quit and never try again.

  Approaching women, talking to them, asking for phone numbers, risking rejection, going on dates, initiating sex and breaking up – all create anxiety. There is no way around it.

  Bad daters hate anxiety and they will do almost anything to avoid it. So, if they try something once and it doesn’t work out well the first time, they just claim “it didn’t work for me” or “I tried it once and crashed and burned.” Then they can justify staying home, surfing the internet and avoid putting themselves into any situations where they might feel anxious.

  If this describes you, I encourage you to lean into your anxiety. Try some new things. Take some chances. Take some risks. Keep doing things until you get better at them. Keep doing them until the anxiety dissipates. If you do something and don’t get positive results the first time, try again. Try doing it a little different. Try doing it in a different context. Try doing it without attachment to outcome.

  Dating is a numbers game and you are going to fail a lot more than you succeed.

  Successful daters know this. They persevere in the face of failure and rejection. You are going to hear me say things like “lean into the fear” and “get to rejection quickly.” These are the keys to success.

  Effort = Success (effort is success)!

  If you tried online dating or speed dating or dance lessons or whatever in the past and “it just didn’t work,” try again. And again. Experiment, try different things and different approaches. That is one of the great things about internet dating, you can keep trying new things, literally reinventing yourself over and over again.

  Creating a Life

  When I first tried online dating, creating my personal profile was a revealing process. Since adolescence, I had believed that being a “great guy” would be sufficient to get a woman to notice me and want to go out with me.

  When I went online and began reading the profiles, I had a “holy shit” experience. I realized that just showing up and being “nice” wasn’t going to cut it in the online dating world. But more than that, the process of writing my online profile illuminated the reality that for some years, I had built my life around other people. Take away those people, and there wasn’t a lot of “me” there to sell.

  Therefore, creating a profile was an exercise in evaluating my life. The process forced me to decide what I wanted my life to look like, what I needed to change, what I needed to add and what fears I needed to face. Creating a profile also required me to think about what kind of woman I wanted to attract and what it was going to take to attract her.

  As we discuss how to create an effective dating profile, in many ways we will be exploring how to help you create the kind
of life you want and how to attract the kind of women you want in your life. So, the first thing I am going to suggest you do as you build an online profile is that you make a list of all of your interests, passions, activities and hobbies. If the list seems a little one dimensional or limited, make a second list of all the things you think you might like to do.

  I made such a list when I developed my first online profile. I came across this same list about three years later and discovered that I had done about a half dozen of the things on my list. Three or four of them have become regular parts of my life. I also realized that I had tried a few things that weren’t on my list.

  After finding my list, I began to make plans to try a few more things I hadn’t gotten around to actually doing yet. The result is that my life is now fuller and more interesting than it was before I created my first online profile. Not only does this make my life more enjoyable and challenging, it makes me much more attractive to the kind of women I want to attract.

  Creating a Dating Profile

  In this chapter we will primarily discuss creating a profile for dating sites like Match, Cupid, Yahoo or eHarmony. We will discuss username, headline, pictures, and your actual profile. We’ll also discuss contacting women on these sites and how to initiate meeting for a coffee date. This is by no means an exhaustive approach to all the ways you can use the internet to meet women, but it is a good start.

  If you haven’t already done so, sign up for an online dating site like Yahoo, Cupid, Match, etc. Pick one that is either free or that allows you to sign up for a trial period or for a month. Begin by exploring the site and see how it works.

  Look over other men’s profiles on the site. Pay attention to what gets your attention and what doesn’t. As you look at men’s profiles, keep in mind that women don’t use a man’s profile so much to choose him, they use it to rule him out.