I Married an Alien Handyman: A Spicy, Steamy Romp Across Alien Galaxies

by Nora Nolan

  She sighed and turned her attention back to her laptop and the search for someone to fix her walls. That ad looks odd. I didn’t realize you could do special effects like that on a Craigslist ad. Cool! I love green and blue together, and it’s swirly. Almost 3D.

  HANDYMAN

  Small repairs or large, I’m your man.

  Satisfaction guaranteed

  Call Mark 501-555-3266

  She felt drawn to the advertisement, oddly compelled to call. When she dialed the number, she was greeted by a most pleasing and deep mellow voice. It was nice; too bad it was a recording.

  “You’ve reached Mark. I’ll get right back to you. Leave a message and let me know what you want me to do.”

  At the beep, she began. “Hi Mark, this is Ella Page, 133 Misty Point Lane in the Somerset subdivision. I need some holes on my wall patched and painted. They’re there courtesy of my ex-boyfriend I can’t get rid of. Oops. Sorry. TMI, I know. Anyway, call me back at this number and I’ll-”

  Ella heard scratches at the door as though someone was trying to insert a key.

  “Oh my God, I think he’s trying to come in now!” She yelled into the phone in panic as she jumped up from her couch in the den and ran to the back bathroom, locking the door behind her.

  She heard a loud sound and realized he’d kicked in the front door when he found that his key no longer worked. “Oh shit! He kicked down the door,” she cried into the phone.

  “You can’t lock me out!” Alan raged. She heard him stomping through the house, looking for her. “I ought to kill you for trying to leave me! You’re gonna regret this when I get hold of you.”

  “Oh, God, Mark, if you’re close, help me! I’ve got to hang up and call 911.” She clicked the hang up button as she heard Alan approach the closed door.

  “I know you’re in there. You better come out, or I’ll just kick this door in, too,” he thundered.

  “Please, Alan, don’t do this. You’ve been drinking, you don’t really mean that.” She fumbled with the phone, trying to call 911, but couldn’t get the line open. Was it still a live call with Mark? She pushed the red end call button again, hoping it worked this time.

  Alan began banging on the door as he shouted. He pounded so hard, she thought his fist would poke through it any minute. She realized if he did break down the door, it would hit her squarely, so she decided to jump in the shower stall to get completely out of the way. Unfortunately, she bobbled a little as she passed the toilet and dropped her phone in the water. Shit! Fuck! Fuckety fuckshit! Oh dear Lord, don’t let him kill me! Don’t let him kill me! Don’t let him kill me!

  “I told you you’ll never get away from me! You’re gonna learn that lesson, little lady.” With that, he kicked in the bathroom door and Ella screamed.

  “No, no, please don’t hurt me!”

  “Not yet, I won’t. I’m gonna fuck you first, every way I feel like it. I’ll decide after that. Make nice, and maybe I won’t hurt you. But you won’t be leaving me, ever.”

  He picked her up and slung her over his shoulder, then began walking toward her bedroom.

  She began kicking her legs and wildly thrashing her arms, sometimes hitting Alan’s legs, when the sight of another man’s feet running across her den caught her eye. He quickly reached them.

  Please be my guardian angel!

  A very smooth and controlled voice came out of his mouth. “Put her the fuck down, right now. You’re the dipshit who needs to learn a lesson.”

  No, that’s no angel. I know that voice - that’s Mark. Maybe he’s my knight come to save me? My knight wears a tool belt.

  Alan swung around, apparently ready to spit nails. When he saw the intruder, though, he backed up a few steps and did, indeed, put her the fuck down.

  Mark was a giant, Ella could see that. She hadn’t been able to tell that from her vantage point over Alan’s shoulder. She also surmised that Alan was too drunk to recognize the importance of the size disparity. He stepped forward and threw a punch at Mark, missing him completely. He threw another and another, but Mark easily deflected each blow. He finally threw a one-two punch that hit Mark in the chest. Mark looked at her conspiratorially and smiled. How odd, right in the middle of a fight. He landed a right punch on Alan’s jaw, and she heard a sickening snapping sound. Alan fell to the floor.

  Ella couldn’t help it; she burst into tears and ran into Mark’s arms. “How did you get here so quickly? The police couldn’t even have gotten here that fast. That is, if I’d been able to call them. I think he was going to kill me, after, after he…”

  “You’re safe now, Ella. I was nearby, and finishing up a phone call when you dialed me.” He stroked her hair and she felt a strange stimulating heat spread through her.

  “Oh, Mark. I can’t believe you made it here in time.”

  “Tell you what. I’m going to put this ass-hat back in his car and drive it to a vacant lot I saw not far away. He can sleep it off there. I’ll be back in no time. You dig your phone out of the water and see if you can revive it. Is it in a waterproof case?”

  “Water resistant, but not water proof. I’ll try that put-it-in-rice trick and see if it works. Wait, do you want me to follow you and give you a ride back?”

  “Not necessary. I’m a runner. I’ll be back before you have the phone apart.”

  He let her go, then bent down to pick up Alan and throw him over his shoulder.

  “Promise you won’t be long?”

  “I promise. I need to get back and fix not only the holes in the walls, but I have to fix two doors now, too. Listen, Ella, you don’t have to worry. He won’t bother you anymore. Go wash your face, freshen up, and fix yourself something to drink.” He turned her face up more to look at him. “I want to see a smile on this pretty face when I get back. I’ll just be a few minutes.”

  She managed a pitiful smile. “All right. And thank you.”

  He gave her a comforting smile, and for the first time, she noticed how attractive he was. Deep-set dark blue eyes, dark blond hair, perfect nose, full lips, all set on top of a body that must have sprung directly from her fantasies.

  Mark turned to walk out and Ella watched until he was out the front door. She didn’t want an alcoholic drink, so she filled the tea kettle and put it on to heat. With Lady Grey in her teapot waiting for boiling water, she headed to her bathroom to freshen up. Thinking of Mark, she decided to put on a touch of make-up, too.

  She used the toilet and washed her hands, glad to be doing something mundane after what just happened with Alan and the amazing rescue by Mark. She grabbed a hairbrush and began pulling it through her hair when she noticed something odd. Her yellow bruises were gone, completely healed. Well, that was quick! I know they were still there this morning.

  True to his word, Mark was back just as the kettle began to whistle. He walked on into the kitchen and poured the water into the teapot as Ella emerged from her bedroom, looking lovely. He flashed that warm smile again and took her hand, leading her to a chair at the table.

  His touch is so warm. More than warm, it feels… healing? Invigorating? I felt something earlier when he held me, too. Is it the same feeling? Maybe it’s my imagination. I was pretty worked up.

  “You relax here, Ella. When the tea steeps a couple more minutes, I’ll pour us both a cup. I took a look at the doors. They’re scuffed, but I can touch them up. I do need to replace some of the framing boards that splintered, though, and one of the locks. I can patch up the other one. I see one of the holes on that wall.” He pointed to it. “Where are the others?”

  “In the bedroom.”

  “How many in all?”

  “Five.”

  “How did you get mixed up with such a violent man?”

  She sighed. “I seem to attract undesirables. He wasn’t like that at first – he was wonderful. I had no idea he had that in him. The first time he used me for a punching bag, he cried while he apologized. Stupid me, I believed him. It only got worse after that. I guess I’
m not totally stupid, though, I did break up with him. At least I tried my best to. You saw.” She smiled at him ruefully. “He doesn’t handle rejection well. I guess I should call the police. All right if I borrow your phone?”

  She took his phone, punched 911, and pressed the green button. Nothing happened. She tried again with the same result. “Oh, for some reason, you’re not getting reception in here.”

  He took the phone back from her. “Let’s wait a few minutes and try again. For now, I want you to put it behind you, sweetie. He’s out of your life.”

  Ella doubted that was true, but she wanted so desperately to believe him.

  He poured them both a cup, and brought sugar and cream to the table. He drank his plain, and she wondered how he knew she took cream and sugar. Maybe he was just observant. After all, the sugar bowl was near the teapot and there was an open carton of cream in the fridge.

  “I have everything in my truck to do the repairs, leftover from another job. I even have some white outdoor paint and a lock. I might be able to get all the work done without even having to go to Home Depot.” He flashed that gorgeous smile again and she blushed a little.

  She also smiled, a big happy smile, and she thought she might have seen something in him spark; it seemed like he brightened when he saw her smile. “Mark, I can’t thank you enough for all this. I mean, talk about going over and beyond! I can’t believe you got Alan out of here for me. You saved me, you know.”

  “Oh yeah, about that,” he said as a mischievous gleam in his blue eyes nicely complimented the mischievous smirk on his lips. “In some cultures, you’d belong to me now.”

  “In some cultures, huh?”

  “Yes. In mine, for example.”

  “You have a culture that’s different from mine?”

  “Oh, absolutely!” He chuckled. “I saved you, so you have to marry me now.”

  Oh, if you only knew how much I could want that. Rescue me! Take me away! Let me look at your mountainous hunky hotness for the rest of my days. I’ll have your babies. We’ll live happily ever after. My knight in a shining tool belt.

  “Marriage? It’s a little soon, isn’t it?” It wasn’t what she thought, but it seemed like the appropriate thing to say.

  “I’m not one to thumb my nose at cultural mandates. It might even be law, I’ll have to check. If it’s not, I’ll make it law.”

  She grinned. “Really? You make the laws?”

  “Sure. I’m the chieftain of my tribe. What I say goes.”

  “And everyone obeys? They abide by your rules?”

  “Of course they do. You will, too.”

  She burst out laughing. My knight in a shining tool belt with a good sense of humor. Jackpot!

  “You don’t know me very well yet!”

  He eyed her confidently. “I will, and soon. But I need to start on those holes in the bedroom first. Do you still have any paint left in that wall color? How about the kitchen color?”

  “Kitchen, yes, but not the bedroom. I remember the name of it, though. How about if I run to get some paint while you start patching?”

  “Perfect.” He leaned down and kissed her forehead, surprising her. She blushed at his amused and knowing expression. “Drive safely. I’ll go get started.” He picked up his toolbox and walked into the bedroom. When did he bring in that toolbox?

  Ella got into her car and headed for the store to get the paint. She found herself almost giddy, and she hadn’t felt this good in ages. She couldn’t remember when she’d ever felt this right. It was just a feeling that this was a good thing with Mark. More than a feeling, a belief – maybe even a conviction. Yes, he could theoretically be a rapist or a murderer, or just another in her Long Line of Losers as she called them, but no, not Mark. There was just something about him. Maybe you just hope he’s different because he’s so freaking hot. Admit it, you just want to jump his bones. Yeah, well, there is that.

  When she returned, she was surprised to find him finishing up the hole in the kitchen wall. “I thought you were going to do the bedroom first.”

  He flashed the grin again. “I did. Waiting now for the joint compound to dry in there so I can paint. Oh, I spackled a couple of other nail holes I found, too. Might as well get it all done at once.”

  “Wow. That was fast.”

  That cocky grin she was beginning to love showed up again.

  “I’m very good,” he said slyly.

  “Oh, I’m sure.” She smiled. She wanted to ask him if he was good at everything, but that was a little too bold for her.

  “Not yet, you aren’t, but you’ll be sure soon.”

  Her eyes widened, but when she looked at him, it made her hope it would be very soon. She wanted to find out for sure exactly how good he was.

  “I’m getting hungry,” she said. “I think I’ll order a pizza.”

  “I ordered one while you were gone. Large supreme. It’ll be here any time now.”

  This man is perfect.

  The doorbell rang just as Mark put the lid back on the joint compound.

  He pointed to Ella, who had begun to rise. “Stay.” She did. She wondered why she did.

  Mark brought the pizza back in and put it on the coffee table along with the soft drinks he ordered. “How about a couple of plates and some paper towels?”

  “Got ‘em.”

  She joined him on the couch. “Did they send red pepper flakes and parmesan packets?”

  “In the box.”

  There was small talk as they ate: the weather, the paint color of the bedroom, the location of the paint for the kitchen, and other benign topics.

  When she was through eating her one slice of pizza, she sat with him as he finished the rest of the pie. They sighed and leaned back on the couch at the same time, bringing out chuckles from both of them.

  “What a day this has been for me. It started out dreadfully, and it’s going to end as a wonderful day after all. All because of you.” She shot him a sly look of her own. “I want to kiss you but I can’t reach your face from here.” Holy fuck. When did I get this bold?

  She shrieked a bit as he quickly lifted her onto his lap.

  “There. We’re a little more level now. I believe you were saying something about kissing me?”

  Ella still had to stretch up, but her lips met his. She got a feeling of a glowing warmth, more than with any kiss she’d ever kissed. It was like his touch – it gave almost a sense of healing, of tingling heat. She felt lighter and brighter.

  He let her lead. She kissed and nibbled his lips, and he responded in kind. She timidly introduced her tongue, and he teased back, gently. Ella put her hand on Mark’s shoulder and slowly ran it down the length of his arm, until it rested on his hand. She briefly massaged it, then lifted his hand and brought it around to her back, silently asking him to hold her.

  Mark let his hand draw slow circles on her back, moving his arm to subtly hold her a bit tighter. But he didn’t let the kiss intensify.

  Ella was so highly aroused, she surprised herself. These intense tingly sensations that radiated from Mark – she felt them inside her, all over her. Not just in her breasts and her other womanly areas, but all over, in her muscles, her joints, even her bones. Her whole body felt as though it burned from the inside with a warm glimmering flame.

  “Mark,” she whispered, “will you come to bed with me?”

  “Are you sure about this?”

  “More than I’ve ever been sure of anything before.”

  “Let me go secure the front door. I still haven’t repaired it, you know.”

  She groaned, but smiled and let him go.

  “I won’t be long.”

  She closed her eyes and leaned back again, savoring how she felt. She heard him close the door and move something heavy in front of it. When he picked her up, it surprised her because she hadn’t heard him walk back.

  No one had ever carried her to bed before. She felt like a queen, or Cinderella, or Scarlett O’Hara, or every romantic heroin
e she’d ever read about rolled into one. Please let this go on forever.

  As she lay in his arms afterward, she still basked in the glow. She even thought there was an actual, literal glow there at the end, but of course, she couldn’t be positive. She ran her hand over his chest and abs, beating little rhythms lightly with her fingers.

  “Mark, would you believe me if I told you I’ve never done that so many times, so powerfully, and I’ve never screamed out anyone’s name before?”

  “Told you I’m very good.”

  “Oh, you!” She playfully slapped him and he grabbed her hand and kissed it.

  “Seriously, Mark, I’m so afraid this is part of my pattern. I drop my guard and move too fast, too soon, and get serious with the wrong type of men.”

  “Do you think I’m the wrong type?”

  “No, but then, I didn’t think that about the other men, either. That type never wants to commit and when I try to leave, then they don’t want anyone else to have me, either. That was Alan to a tee.”

  “Alan won’t come back, I told you that. Besides, you don’t have to worry about commitment with me.”

  She chuckled, wanting to lighten the mood. “Oh that’s right, you saved me. You have to marry me now.”

  “Oh not anymore, sugar, we’re already married. I saved you and we consummated the relationship. Married. No going back now. We mate for life.”

  She laughed. “Well, I’ll say your culture is definitely different from mine.”

  He looked at her, amused, then turned on his side, facing her, eye to eye.

  “I’ll take you away, we’ll fly to my home and live happily ever after. No looking back. You’ll be mine and I’ll love you and take care of you all our very long lives. How does that sound?”

  “It sounds like Heaven,” she said, enjoying the shared fantasy. She chuckled wryly. “You know, I really don’t have anything keeping me here. I can write from anywhere and I don’t have any family. So I could easily go off to some other wonderful and exotic place. The only thing is that I would miss my girlfriends. We’re pretty tight.”

  “No problem. We’ll take them, too.”