Serenity

by Jesse J. Thoma

  Thea watched Kit walk away without another word. The entire encounter left her confused. Kit wasn’t behaving as if she were high, but she had walked out of the bathroom with the syringe. Thea wasn’t ready to analyze her reaction to their conversation. That was a cliffhanger she’d leave for another day. But one thing was certain, Kit remembered her too.

  Chapter Three

  Kit stared into the half empty coffee cup she had been slowly spinning on the Formica diner tabletop for the past fifteen minutes. She could feel her sponsor, Ethel, watching her. She swore the woman was a CIA interrogator in a former life. She just sat there like a statue staring at you, never blinking, never shifting, never needing to take care of basic human bodily needs, until your innermost thoughts and feelings spilled out.

  She’d been resisting the power of Ethel for two and a half cups of coffee, which was a new record, but she was going to have to give in soon, since she really had to pee.

  Damn it, next time I’m going to have to wear diapers. “Fine, you win.” She leapt out of the booth and headed for the bathroom. “Order me something to eat if you’re going to torture me.”

  When Kit returned eggs, pancakes, hash browns, and bacon were waiting for her. Her coffee cup was also full.

  Ethel was already eating.

  “Come on, champ. Your food’s getting cold. I told the waitress to bring it all over thirty minutes after we arrived. Your bladder is surprisingly predictable.”

  “You know I hate you, right?” Kit said.

  “Yeah, yeah. You going to finally tell me what’s going on?”

  Even Kit wasn’t sure what was going on. She’d been out of sorts since the NA meeting at the library and her interaction with Thea. Dealing with emotions now that she was clean was a pain in the ass. Sitting with them, sorting through them. But if anyone could help, it was Ethel. If she let her.

  “I ran into the librarian after the NA meeting.”

  “The librarian? Your librarian? Captain Naloxone the Super Librarian? No wonder you don’t know your tits from your ass right now. Is she as hot as you remember? Is she not? Is that why you’re such a grump?”

  Ethel looked more excited than anyone had a right to this early in the morning.

  “She’s not my librarian, and I ran into her carrying a used syringe. Pretty sure based on the two interactions we’ve had, I might never be allowed back in the library.”

  “Kit.” Ethel’s expression was all business. “You should have called me. We’ve talked a lot about slips and relapses. They’re a natural part of the recovery process, but I’m here for you, and I want to be here for you. You don’t have to do this by yourself.”

  “The syringe wasn’t mine. I would have called you if I was struggling that much, Ethel. I found it in the bathroom, just sitting on the sink. Anyone could have found it. I wrapped it in a paper towel and was going to bring it out and get rid of it, but then Thea caught me.”

  “And that bothers you?”

  “Of course, it bothers me.” Kit threw up her hands. “She’s hot as fuck and it’s her damn library. And for some reason she carries naloxone and has a sharps container in her office. And both times she thought I was a massive screwup, she was still kind to me.”

  “That does sound like a lot of bother, sport.”

  “Don’t mock me, Ethel.”

  “Wouldn’t dream of it. Perhaps we could talk about why you’re most bothered by Thea’s reaction?”

  “What do you mean?” Kit was confused. She just told Ethel why she was bothered.

  “A hot woman, who you’re intrigued by, caught you with a syringe. Now it’s almost a week later and you’re still bent out of shape about it. Why? Specifically?”

  Kit thought about her reaction. A lot had bothered her about Thea catching her with that syringe, including the fact that carrying it made her incredibly uncomfortable to begin with. But it was more than that. She wanted Thea to see a different picture than that syringe painted.

  “Will people ever stop seeing me as a recovering addict?” Kit drummed her fingers on the table.

  “Ah,” Ethel said, rubbing her hands together. “Now we’re getting somewhere. Tell me more.”

  “That’s it, that’s my question. Is this who I am for the rest of my life? Is this how people are going to see me?”

  “It’s part of who you are. You can’t change that.” Ethel took another bite of pancake. She didn’t look like she had more to add.

  “Why do people keep saying that?” Anger started to bubble.

  “I’ll let you reflect on that yourself, ace. Kit, people look hardest for things hidden just below the surface. You’re trying so hard to cover up this part of yourself, it’s like a big flashing neon sign everyone turns to look at.”

  “How could I possibly hide it? I go to meetings, I meet with you, I take my buprenorphine. It feels like all I do is work on staying clean.”

  “And it’s tedious?”

  “Yes. I just want to start my life again. When do I get to do that?”

  “Kit, this is your life.” Ethel put her fork down. “You need to build your life with these things in it. It will get easier with time, but it’s always going to be important. Look at me. I’ve got twenty years under my belt and I’m still going to meetings. I’ve got to work at it every day because you just never know.”

  “What I know is it sucks,” Kit said.

  “It absolutely does,” Ethel said. “But it would be easier if you embraced this part of yourself and stopped warring with it. Like you said, you come to meetings, but you’re just warming a seat. Maybe try participating?”

  “You’ve got some wild ideas.” Some of the weight of the past week slipped away. Kit picked up her fork. “The earliest part of sobriety was energizing. It was new and exciting. This part is a little bit of a slog.”

  “It’s why having a community is so important, kiddo. Don’t discount that. Now, the most important questions. Are you going to eat that bacon, and what are we going to do about your librarian?”

  Chapter Four

  “Jayden, I don’t care how you try to hide what you’re doing over there, I can still tell you’re trying to use my 3D printer to make a penis.” Thea arched an eyebrow at the offender.

  The room full of teenagers erupted in laughter.

  “Actually, I was trying to figure out how to make some really big balls,” Jayden said with a big goofy grin. “I hadn’t gotten to the junk yet.”

  “I’m going to have to veto the testicles too. I’m sure you can think of a more appropriate use of my printer? Or perhaps I can reassign your time to someone else for a while?”

  “Whoa, whoa, I got it, I got it. I’m going to print you a big ol’ bouquet of your favorite flowers. What are your favorite flowers?”

  “Jayden?”

  “Yes, ma’am?”

  “Get back to work,” Thea said.

  Jayden kept smiling and returned to the computer to work on his designs. Thea saw him trash the anatomical sketches and open a few designs that would have a chance of being approved for printing.

  This was probably Thea’s favorite part of any day. The schedule officially set aside time for teenage “makers” to come and build robots, Legos, use the 3D printer, work on coding, or other projects. But kids also came to work on homework, surf the internet, and hang out with friends. Some of the kids only stopped in during the structured time every now and then, others she saw every day for hours. The teen librarians staffed the majority of the teen activities and the entirety of the teen library, but Thea still loved spending time with the kids whenever possible. She only officially worked with them during this twice a week block of time, but she was in and out of the teen section of the library regularly.

  Regardless of how often they came, she tried to greet all of them by name and make a welcome space for each kid. It was important to her to be a consistent, reliable presence. She knew from her own childhood experiences how important that could be. She’d used a library s
imilar to this one, and the generous adults there, to fill the gaping hole left by parents unable to care for her.

  “Thea, you’re a librarian.”

  Thea turned to the young woman working on homework at one of the tables across the room. Her name was Frankie. She was a regular and Thea had a soft spot for her.

  “That’s what everyone keeps telling me,” Thea said.

  “Is it your kind that is responsible for labeling this monstrosity a ‘classic’ and forcing it on unsuspecting high school students?”

  Thea would have laughed, but Frankie was waving the offensive piece of classic literature so vigorously in her direction Thea thought better of it.

  “Uh, no. I didn’t personally have a role in designating any book a classic. You can stop threatening me with fourteen hundred pages of Russian literature.”

  “Okay, well, then can you help me? All I have figured out about this book is that it’s the best sleep medicine in the world. Like the minute I look at it, I’m asleep. Doctors should prescribe this instead of pills.”

  Thea pulled up a chair next to Frankie. A few other kids who were also working on homework joined them with their own questions. If she was down here, this was always part of the routine. The predictability was comforting, as was knowing she was making a difference to these kids. Although she was going to have to brush up on her geometry. One homework assignment had stumped everyone there until Frankie finally stepped in and helped solve the problem.

  After most of the kids left, Thea cleaned up the space. Frankie’s backpack was still there, but that wasn’t unusual. She was almost always the last to leave the library. Thea found her all over the place. She wasn’t one to limit herself to the teen area. She was curious and seemed interested in what Thea was doing. Enough that she would sometimes just follow her around asking questions until it was time for one of them to head home. Thea didn’t mind her young shadow. Frankie reminded her of herself at Frankie’s age.

  Just as Thea was finishing up, Frankie ran into the room.

  “You’ve gotta come to the bathroom. Someone left their works there and a big mess. I didn’t want to leave it, but I didn’t know what else to do,” Frankie said, looking understandably upset.

  Thea dropped her armful of books and headed after Frankie.

  When they arrived at the bathroom door, Thea nudged it open carefully. She stuck her head around and found exactly what Frankie had described. On the floor was a small black bag with everything needed to shoot heroin, and surrounding it was quite a mess. Paper towels and ribbons of toilet paper were strewn all over the floor. Some of them appeared to be bloody, but it was hard to tell exactly what had soiled them from the doorway. Thea could see one dirty syringe under one of the paper towels.

  “Okay.” Thea took a deep breath. She was disheartened. Seeing Kit carrying a syringe out of the bathroom had been hard enough. This was altogether different. She texted Walter to bring her supplies from her office.

  “Must have gotten spooked.” Frankie poked her head over Thea’s shoulder. “Probably why there’s blood all over and why they left their works behind.”

  Thea had forgotten she was still there. “How do you know so much about this?”

  “School and the library aren’t the only place to get an education.” Her face was dark and her expression closed.

  “I’m sorry the library too closely resembled some of your other learning environments.” Thea turned and put her hand on Frankie’s shoulder. “I’m trying hard to keep this outside the walls of the library.”

  “I like coming here because it’s safe and predictable. I know you’ll help me with all the ‘classics’ somebody thinks are important for me to read. That doesn’t mean I don’t know what’s right outside the door. I live in this neighborhood, remember? You can’t change who else lives here. They come to the library too.”

  “You’re right. But do I have to like this part?” Thea waved at the chaos in front of her.

  “You better not,” Frankie said.

  Walter arrived with the supplies Thea asked for. Cleaners would be through overnight, but this wasn’t something they could or should handle. Besides, the library wasn’t closed for the day. She couldn’t leave the bathroom like this.

  “Thanks, Walter. Can you make sure Frankie gets to wherever she needs to go?”

  “You okay here? I can do the cleanup if you want.”

  Thea waved him off. She watched him lead Frankie down the hall. She wished she could have protected Frankie from this. She wished she could protect all the kids from this, in the library and out.

  She grabbed the biohazard bag, sharps container, latex gloves, and TurtleSkin gloves Walter brought. She slipped on the latex gloves followed by the TurtleSkin. They were puncture proof so even if she missed something in the debris, she was protected. She never would have imagined this set of items being part of her librarian toolkit.

  The things they should have taught you in grad school. Dr. Schroeder would be passed out by now if he had to slip into TurtleSkins.

  After the bathroom was tidy and sterile once again, Thea swung by the front desk. It was past six, and once again, she should have gone home, but the quiet evening hours at the library were a part of her routine she enjoyed. And tonight, she had a specific reason for staying.

  A little past seven, folks filed by the desk on their way out. Thea watched them leave, looking for Kit. She didn’t know if Kit had come to the NA meeting tonight since she had been ass deep in aborted drug injection when it started.

  When the last of the group filed out, Thea was surprised at her disappointment.

  Was she disappointed that a not at all recovered woman didn’t come to an NA meeting or that she didn’t get to talk to her? Thea wanted no part of answering that question.

  She scooted around the desk and headed back to the community room as if she could outrun any wandering thoughts that might dare follow her.

  Her mind was still elsewhere when she flung open the door to the community room and almost knocked Kit over.

  “What are you doing here?” It sounded more accusatory than she meant.

  “Well, the past hour I’m not really supposed to say. You know, the anonymous thing, but since you already know about it, I was here for a meeting. If you’re curious, it was a step meeting tonight. Step ten, if you’re extra curious. What I was doing before you attacked me with the door was cleaning up terrible coffee and donuts that I’m pretty sure were baked last year. Wait, did you leave these for me? Was this how you planned on offing me?”

  Thea managed not to laugh, but barely. “I have no intention of offing you. I’d never get the smell out of the books and I’d never risk my job dragging a body out of here.”

  Kit looked amused. Thea liked the sparkle in her eyes when she appeared to be contemplating mischief.

  “You love this place.”

  It was a statement, not a question, but Thea nodded anyway.

  “I could tell when you threatened to toss me out on my ass because you thought I’d been using drugs in your library last week. You were mad about that, but you were kind to me the first time we met.”

  “Are you saying you didn’t use drugs in my library last week?”

  “I’ve never used drugs in your library.” Kit paused her coffee mop up and looked at Thea. “Although to be fair, I intended to once.”

  Thea believed Kit even though there was no real reason for her to. She was relieved the scene Frankie discovered earlier wasn’t Kit’s handiwork.

  “What’s wrong?”

  I need a better poker face.

  “Why did you have the syringe last week?” Thea joined the cleanup effort so she had something to do.

  “Someone left it in the bathroom. I didn’t want a kid or someone else to find it.”

  “And is that okay, you being around syringes?”

  “I don’t love it, but it’s not a trigger, if that’s what you’re asking. I associate it with using, but the association isn
’t a good one. It doesn’t make me want to use. There are plenty of other demons I have to wrestle with in that regard. That’s not one of them.”

  “There was another one this afternoon.” Thea sighed. “Same bathroom. This time it included bloody paper towels and the entire works.”

  “Oh shit,” Kit said. “They must have gotten interrupted.”

  “That’s what Frankie said.”

  “Who’s Frankie?” Kit threw the last stale donut in the trash.

  “A teenager who shouldn’t know all that she does. She found the mess in the bathroom and got me.”

  “You worried about this kid?” Kit leaned against the table and looked at Thea seriously.

  “I worry about all the kids here,” Thea said. “And all the community members who walk through the doors and might stumble on something like that scene in the bathroom, or something worse. I probably shouldn’t be talking to you about this. I’m sorry.”

  Thea didn’t know Kit well enough to identify the emotions Kit was trying hard to hide. Anger was easy to spot, but there was more to it than that. She felt bad for upsetting her.

  “I told you last week you need sharps containers in the bathrooms.” Her words were clipped and her tone had lost the softness when she asked about Thea and the library.

  “Won’t that be as good as a sign inviting more drug use?”

  “Needle exchanges don’t lead to more drug use. They just keep dirty needles off the streets and keep people healthy. But since you shouldn’t be talking to an addict about any of this, I’ll let you figure it out with someone who’s allowed to be involved in the conversation.” Kit headed for the door without looking back.

  At least Thea knew where Kit’s anger was coming from. She hadn’t meant to offend her, but clearly had. She tried to stop Kit, to apologize, but Kit grumbled something about work in the morning and left.

  Thea sat in the nearest chair and looked around the room without really seeing anything. So far, every encounter with Kit had left her feeling off balance, a feeling she detested. But seeing Kit made her feel…something else, too. She couldn’t put her finger on it. It was a feeling she didn’t have a lot of experience with and she wasn’t entirely sure she liked. Or at least her rational, organized, routine driven brain wasn’t sure about it. The tiny sliver of herself that was prone to fits of wild abandon liked the feeling quite a lot. And that was reason enough to give her pause.