Serenity

by Jesse J. Thoma

  Chapter Five

  “Would you rather have a skunk for a roommate for six months, or rub your dick six times with a cheese grater?”

  Kit was working on a new job with Josh’s crew. They were forty-five minutes into “would you rather.”

  “Are we talking the zester side, or the cheese grater side?” Kit paused, hammer mid swing.

  “I don’t know, you pick.”

  “She’s going to pick the dick grating, asshole. Why’d you give that one to her? She doesn’t have a dick,” said another guy on the crew.

  “Mine’s a hell of a lot bigger than yours. And it never goes soft.” Kit winked at Josh.

  “And she’s got hella big balls. Not like your tiny little twig and berries,” one of the guys shouted.

  All the guys turned their attention, and teasing, to the guy who’d tried to compare sizes with Kit. They were a tight-knit group, and no one would take any of the banter personally. Kit liked working with these guys. They didn’t treat her differently because she was a woman, or because of her past. All they cared about was the work she did, and she more than held her own.

  When Josh released them for lunch, Kit grabbed the bag she’d packed and headed out into the fresh air. She loved working with the boys, but sometimes she needed to air out the testosterone.

  The new job they were working wasn’t far from the park in front of the library, so she headed there. It was what middle-class folks would probably describe as a rough neighborhood. There were security bars instead of stained glass, chain link instead of picket fences, and graffiti instead of expensive public art, but it was better than most of the places Kit had called home the years she’d been using. The park was busy in the middle of the day, but Kit found an open bench.

  She didn’t see Parrot Master or the Zookeeper around. She wondered what they were doing. She thought about what she would have been doing on a day like today a year ago. She didn’t like what she pictured. Why was everyone making it impossible for her to shove all that behind her and let her move on?

  “I was going to see if you wanted company, but it looks like you’re in the middle of brooding. I don’t want to interrupt.”

  Kit looked behind her and was struck by just how beautiful Thea was. The sun was directly above her, making her hair glow.

  “What good has brooding ever done anyone?” Kit moved her lunch aside. “Have a seat.”

  “It worked okay for Batman.” Thea sat and stretched her legs in front of her. “But you don’t seem like a Batman.”

  “I’m intrigued. Just what do I seem like? Do not say Aquaman. If you say Aquaman, get right off this bench, you’re not welcome here.”

  Thea laughed. Kit liked being the cause.

  “Aquaman’s not so bad, he has his fans. As for you, I’m not sure yet. I don’t know you well enough. I just know you’re not a Batman.”

  They sat in comfortable silence eating their lunches. Kit’s was shoved in a brown sack, while Thea’s was organized neatly in a two-tiered bento box. Kit was startled when Thea put her hand on her shoulder. It was unexpected, but she wasn’t at all opposed to the contact.

  “Look, Kit, I’m sorry I upset you yesterday. I was trying to be sensitive to the fact you might not want to listen to me complain about drug use in the library when you’re in recovery, but I clearly bungled it and offended you. I’m sorry”

  “Thank you.” Kit debated whether to say more. Why did she need to explain her reaction? “I don’t use drugs anymore, but everyone still insists on seeing me as a drug user. It drives me nuts. My whole life is consumed with not being a drug user, but when people look at me, that’s what they see. All I want to do is move on with my life and be visible for something else, something a little more useful.”

  “I don’t see you as only a drug user. I’m sorry that’s what you felt yesterday. And for what it’s worth, I thought about your suggestion of putting sharps containers in the bathrooms. I’m going to install them. You’re right. If people are going to be using in there, I’d rather they not leave the syringes lying around.”

  “That should help,” Kit said. “It’s good for people who have medical needs who require syringes, too. Are you going to start patrolling outside the bathrooms with a drug sniffing dog?”

  “Do you think that would help?”

  Kit was pretty sure she was joking. “You would probably save a lot on toilet paper, but a few little kids might pee their pants in your nice chairs. Are you trying to keep drug users out, or lower the risk of overdose?”

  “I’m concerned about safety. Do you know that two people have died in this park this year from overdoses? What if someone died in the library?”

  Kit could hear the fear and pain in Thea’s voice. She thought about how close she had come to being Thea’s worst nightmare realized. She shuddered.

  “Is this hard to talk about?”

  “Yes, but maybe not for the reasons you think.” Kit dropped what was left of her sandwich back in the bag, no longer hungry. “Do you remember the day you first met me? When I was in withdrawal and you were ready to shoot naloxone up my nose?”

  “You did leave an impression,” Thea said.

  What a first impression. I wonder if she’ll ever be able to see me any other way? “I could have been that someone you’re scared of. My heroin was laced with fentanyl. I knew it and almost used it anyway.”

  “I’m really glad you didn’t die in my library. I’m really glad you didn’t die, full stop.” Her expression was serious, but her eyes were still kind. They were always kind.

  “Me too.” Kit’s shoulders were tensed up around her ears. With effort, she slowly relaxed them.

  “So how do we keep the next you from dying in there too?” Thea turned to face Kit and looked at her expectantly.

  “Why are you asking me?” Kit leaned back, away from Thea’s expectations, but the arm of the bench held her in place.

  “Who better to ask?”

  “I think you missed the part about my wanting to move on with my life,” Kit said.

  “Just think about it.” Thea turned back to face the park. “Now enough talking. My lunch break is almost done and I’m trying to be caught sitting with a hot woman I met at the library.”

  Kit looked around before realizing Thea was talking about her. That was an unexpected twist to her lunch break.

  “And what if that woman wanted to learn more about you? Would talking be allowed then?”

  Thea hesitated, and Kit wasn’t sure what she’d said wrong. It seemed to take some effort on Thea’s part to acquiesce to Kit’s request. Kit had no idea if it was because of her, or something that had nothing to do with her. But she wanted to find out.

  “Tell me about the library. I can tell you care about it.”

  “I don’t have enough time to tell you everything about the library.” Thea looked up at the library, love written all over her face. “But I love my job. I love the familiarity, the comfort, the reliability, the possibility that a library represents. You can go to any library in the world and the books may be different, but when you walk in the doors, you have a general sense of what to expect. How many other things are there like that in the world? Things that aren’t trying to sell you something?”

  “NA meetings are like that.” Kit leaned her head back and looked up at the trees.

  “Really? I didn’t know that,” Thea said.

  “Knowing I could be anywhere in the world and find an NA meeting to hold as a reliable, steady, source of strength is extremely comforting.”

  “I imagine it is. I feel the same way about the library. I find comfort in the rules of the library. I don’t mean rules like ‘talk quietly,’ but the order and rules of how the library is set up and runs.”

  “There’s nothing more rock solid than the Dewey decimal system.” Kit stole a glance at Thea.

  “I knew I liked you.” Thea smiled when she caught Kit looking.

  “Don’t go spreading that around,” Kit said
. “It will ruin my reputation as a brooder if people think I’m likable.”

  “I already told you, brooding doesn’t suit you.”

  “You did mention that. But no final verdict of what does suit me.”

  “When I figure it out, I’ll let you know. These things take time.”

  “Promises, promises.”

  Thea laughed. Once again, Kit was happy to be the source.

  “That smile certainly suits you,” Kit said before she could censor.

  “Then I guess you should come around more often.” Thea stood and picked up her lunch. “I seem to do more of it when you’re around.”

  Before Kit could wrap her head around what Thea had said, Thea was heading back to the library. She looked back once and waved. Thankfully, Kit had pulled herself together enough to pull her jaw off the grass and manage the socially appropriate thing and waved back.

  It was time for Kit to head back too, but she sat a few minutes longer.

  Thea was flirting with me, right?

  Kit had women hit on her when she was using, but they almost always wanted something from her. Usually drugs. What could Thea want from her?

  Suddenly, Kit felt her good mood evaporate. The thought of Thea flirting with her had made her feel on top of the world, but now, blaring like a ten-thousand-piece, out of tune marching band, was the all-important question.

  You live with your cousin and sleep on his couch. What could a prize like you ever have to offer Thea? She smashed her lunch sack and threw it into the garbage bin with more force than it deserved. On her walk back to the job site, she wondered if Thea would agree she was brooding now. She felt like she was brooding.

  Kit decided it didn’t much matter what she had to offer Thea. Thea seemed to like spending time with Kit and Kit liked spending time with Thea.

  Nothing complicated about that, right? Right.

  Chapter Six

  Thea leaned against the counter in her kitchen and stared into space. She thought, not for the first time, that it was past time to hang something on the walls. She’d moved in six months ago, after selling the house she’d purchased with Sylvia. The white walls didn’t bother her. They felt neat and orderly. Sylvia had been all about color and flash. It made Thea twitch. Especially the bright yellow Sylvia had insisted on painting the kitchen. Thea loved to cook, but that kitchen had felt like chaos come to life. She was always afraid of chopping off a finger from the frenetic energy of the place.

  She wondered what her apartment would look like through an outsider’s eyes. She knew what Carrie, who in addition to being a co-worker was also one of her closest friends, thought. She wasn’t shy with her opinions. They were mostly along the theme that Thea was too controlled, and boring, and careful. What would Frankie think? Did anyone know what a teenager was thinking? Unbidden, the thought of Kit and her opinion popped into her head. How would Kit view her home?

  Thea was annoyed at the thought, just as she was annoyed at her flirting and invitation for Kit to spend more time with her. Or was she annoyed that it had been weeks and Kit hadn’t taken her up on it aside from a few rushed conversations on the way to meetings? No, she was most annoyed at herself. Kit was straddling two worlds, one of which Thea wanted nothing to do with ever again. She could admit the attraction; Kit was gorgeous, a walking, talking wet dream of butch sex appeal, but she was also off limits. Kit had the potential to be the bright yellow kitchen of women, and Thea wasn’t willing to paint in such bright colors. Kit screamed excitement, unpredictability, and chaos. Thea craved stability, predictability, and routine.

  It was getting dark in the apartment by the time she pulled herself out of her musings. She wasn’t sure how long she’d been indulging in her wanderings. She made dinner and pulled out her laptop to get a jump-start on the quarterly budget waiting for her in the morning.

  While she waited for the spreadsheets to load, she thought about the first time she met Kit, if that’s how it could be described. She’d been so scared that Kit was going to be the first person to die from a drug overdose in the library, even if she’d technically been on the steps. Walter had called for her and she’d run, praying she would be fast enough to reverse the effects of the overdose.

  When Kit got up and walked away, Thea didn’t expect to ever see her again. Truth be told, she also didn’t expect her to get clean, or even survive much past the time they briefly interacted. But now, Kit was, well, Kit. An unexpected surprise in her life. Maybe for once, she would just let that be enough, for now. In the meantime, she could still get a hold of herself and knock off the flirting. No matter how good-looking Kit was, it didn’t do anyone any good for Thea to lose her head.

  She worked for a couple of hours until she started to doze in her seat. She checked her email one last time before heading to bed. There was an email from Frankie. Thea read the email twice. There wasn’t anything in it especially weird or alarming, but something didn’t feel right. Frankie was asking if she could have a job at the library, offering to do any odds jobs or work to help out. That wasn’t all that unusual, but she’d sent it late at night and Frankie had never emailed her before.

  Thea wrote back asking Frankie to find her as soon as she could the next day.

  * * *

  Despite Thea’s invitation to spend more time with her, Kit hadn’t had the time to make it happen. Josh had asked her to work extra hours on a job that had fallen behind schedule. It felt like the last few weeks all she’d done was work, go to meetings, and sleep. She’d barely had the chance to say more than a few words to Thea as she darted into the NA meeting each week, and Thea was gone when the meetings ended.

  Now, the job was finally done and although she was exhausted from the punishing schedule, she felt immensely satisfied. She knew Josh was happy, which she was proud of. It had been a long time since someone could count on her.

  Her long work hours might have given the wrong impression to Thea, though. Last week when Kit was running five minutes late to the meeting, she thought she saw disappointment on Thea’s face as she rushed past. Today she had the day off and planned on rectifying her lack of attention. She was armed with time and a plan.

  Kit walked into the library and headed for the front desk. Thea wasn’t there. The man Kit recognized from her first inglorious visit to the library and a woman she didn’t recognize were chatting behind the desk.

  “Excuse me,” Kit said. “I’m looking for Thea.”

  The man appraised Kit without answering. It wasn’t exactly unfriendly, but there was no warmth in his gaze either. The woman, on the other hand, was all smile and open evaluation.

  “Begs the question, is Thea looking for you?” The woman leaned over the desk just enough to be suggestive.

  “I don’t follow.” Kit looked to the man for assistance.

  “Oh, leave her alone, Carrie,” he said. “Is that for Thea?” He pointed at one of the coffee cups in Kit’s hands.

  “Yes, sir.”

  “Well, far be it from me to stand between that woman and a cup of coffee. She’s in the community room. My name’s Walter.”

  She introduced herself to both of them. It was nice to meet some of Thea’s people.

  Kit walked quickly down to the community room. She wanted a few minutes with Thea before everyone arrived for the meeting. Maybe she should have come earlier. When she pushed her way through the door, it was a letdown to see Thea wasn’t alone.

  Thea and the teenager with her didn’t notice Kit right away. Thea seemed to be instructing the girl on setting up the room. Thea said something that made the teen groan and turn toward the door. Her hesitation at seeing Kit made Thea look as well.

  “Oh, hi.” Thea didn’t look overly excited to see her. “You’re early. We’re almost done here.”

  Suddenly, Kit felt awkward standing there holding two coffee cups and not really knowing how to explain them or her presence. The teen seemed to know what was up and looked like she was settling in for a good show. All she was miss
ing was popcorn.

  “Uh, right.” Kit started to put the coffee cups down but stopped. She wanted to have something to do with her hands. “I actually came by to see you. To apologize for running in and out of here the last few weeks. My boss had me working some crazy hours. Normally, it wouldn’t be a problem to skip out or say I was sick or something, but my boss is my cousin and I live with him, so…”

  “So now you’re here,” the teen said.

  Kit thought she looked like she was having way too much fun at her expense.

  “Frankie, don’t you have literally anywhere else to be right now?” Thea shot Frankie a look.

  “You’re my new boss and you told me to be here.” Frankie didn’t move.

  “Wait, you’re the Frankie who found the bathroom a mess and knew what happened?” Kit asked.

  Frankie looked at her shoes. Kit had definitely killed her good mood.

  “Yeah, that’s me.”

  “I don’t know why you knew what you knew.” Kit put the coffees down this time and moved into Frankie’s line of sight. “But for what it’s worth, I used to be someone who left messes like that. And now I’m not.”

  “Really?” Frankie looked up. “This is probably a dumb question, but was it hard?”

  Kit thought about how to answer. Getting clean was the hardest thing she’d ever done, but also once she finally made the decision, one thing that was easy to fight for. It was getting to the point of making the decision to really, truly, absolutely go for it that had taken a long time.

  “Yes,” Kit said. “It took a lot of work to be ready and then a lot of really hard work to make it happen. I had a few false starts, but I’ve come a long way. I’m still working hard.”