Serenity

by Jesse J. Thoma

Frankie looked pensive. Kit offered her one of the coffees and the other one to Thea. She would make do with NA meeting sludge again.

  “I brought this for you.” Kit handed Thea her coffee. “I notice you always have coffee when I come in for the meeting. You seem like an unsweetened latte kind of woman. I’m trying not to hold it against you. I brought ginger cardamom syrup and golden turmeric if you decide you want to live a little and try one.”

  Thea looked horrified when Frankie dumped half of the golden turmeric Kit brought into her latte. Kit hadn’t seen anyone look that suspicious of any substance since someone she knew from the streets was high and hallucinating and thought a sugar packet was an obstinate, militaristic grasshopper.

  “You really should try this,” Frankie said.

  “I’ll stick with what I know.” Thea wrinkled her nose. “Thank you for the coffee. That was very sweet of you. Frankie, Kit is responsible for the new sharps containers in the bathrooms.”

  “Wicked good idea.” Frankie tipped her coffee cup in Kit’s direction.

  “If you have any ideas or more questions, Thea can always get in touch with me.” Kit wasn’t sure what possessed her to offer, but when she was talking with Frankie, she didn’t mind questions about her past. Something about teenagers asking questions felt more honest, less judgmental.

  “Thanks.” Frankie looked shy and young. “I don’t really know anyone like you. Someone who stopped, I mean. Obviously, I know people do, but I thought maybe only rich people, or other kinds of people. No one from around here.”

  “There are lots of us,” Kit said. “I’m kinda new to the game, but my sponsor’s been clean forever. She’s not rich and she grew up in this neighborhood.”

  Frankie spontaneously hugged Kit, which seemed to surprise her as much as it surprised Kit, and then she practically ran out the door.

  When she left, Kit found Thea staring at her.

  “Thank you,” Thea said.

  “It’s just coffee.” Kit shrugged. “And I am sorry I didn’t make it around. You were really nice to ask me to come by more often, and then it probably seemed like I was avoiding you. I wasn’t.”

  “I wasn’t talking about the coffee, but thank you for that too. I didn’t think you were avoiding me. No one could look as frazzled as you did every week and have a master plan to blow me off. And at least a few times you were covered in sawdust.”

  “Damn, I tried to clean up before I came in here, but it gets everywhere.”

  “If I’m being honest.” Thea arched an eyebrow. “It’s a look that works for you.”

  Thea looked like she wanted to slap her hand over her mouth and shove the words back in. The door opened and folks took their seats for the meeting. Kit cursed their timing.

  “Can you tell me more about that?” Kit leaned in so only Thea could hear her.

  “Nope,” Thea said. “You’re busy. See you after your meeting,” She waved on her way out the door.

  Damn it. There are too damn many people in this damn library today.

  Kit flopped down in the nearest chair. She didn’t bother with the coffee being set up. She’d given Frankie the only stuff worth drinking. Funny how she had standards now.

  “You all right, skip?” Ethel slipped into the seat next to Kit and patted her knee. “You look like you’ve got troubles. Hard to diagnose, though. We dealing with a combo platter?”

  Kit thought about her disclosures to Frankie and Frankie’s spontaneous hug. Did the kid really not know anyone who was clean? That wouldn’t be so discouraging except it was obvious she knew plenty of users. It had been impossible to pretend her past didn’t exist with Frankie and for perhaps the first time, Kit hadn’t really wanted to.

  That was enough to give her pause, but then Thea said she liked Kit covered in sawdust. Kit felt like she was so far removed from normal social interactions, even after a year back in, that the intricacies of flirting still felt foreign. Not to mention she was sleeping on her cousin’s couch and working on his construction crew. There was a reason Ethel had advised her to figure out her shit before hopping back in the dating game.

  “Nah, it’s nothing.” Kit waved dismissively to Ethel. She’d figure it out.

  “Don’t bullshit me, kid,” Ethel gave her a no-nonsense glare. “You’re not very good at it, for one. For another thing, it’s not going to do you any good.”

  “Were you put on this earth to be a pain in my ass?”

  “It’s my sole purpose. Now shush, the meeting’s starting. Why don’t you consider participating this week, huh?”

  The meeting started with the comforting rhythm repeated at every meeting. The readings differed from meeting to meeting, and some of the faces came and went, but the scaffolding of the meeting was there, a foundation to build on.

  This week’s speaker focused on her fear of identifying as someone in recovery. Kit thought the topic was a little too on point. Ethel seemed to think so too. She jabbed Kit with her knee and looked at her pointedly. Kit tried to ignore her. Ethel upped the ante and gave her a sharp elbow jab to the ribs. Kit had to acknowledge that. She was worried the next poke would be to her eye.

  Kit appreciated hearing someone else talk about the inner battle they faced moving from one identity to another. As with many things in NA, there wasn’t an easy solution presented. It still helped to know she wasn’t the only one struggling to figure out who she wanted to become.

  After the meeting, Kit assured Ethel she really was fine and went in search of Thea. As seemed to be a frequent routine, Thea was sitting at the desk. The coffee Kit brought her was perched on a pile of books. Kit got a little thrill when she noticed the slight yellow tinge around the rim of the cup. Thea had added the turmeric.

  “It changed your entire outlook on life, didn’t it?” Kit pointed at the cup.

  “Excuse me?”

  “The turmeric. Will you ever look at a latte the same way again?”

  “It was…unexpected.” Thea picked up the cup and eyed it.

  “Well, shit. The past heroin use didn’t do it, but bringing something ‘unexpected’ into your coffee routine is going to be what gets me on the librarian no-fly list, isn’t it?”

  “And now you’ve got jokes,” Thea said.

  “I’ve got way better jokes than that. Would you like to hear them?”

  Thea groaned and shook her head.

  “I’ll spare you because there’s only so much mirth and frivolity one can provide in a day. I’ve gotta pace myself.”

  “Is that what is happening here?” Thea pointed between herself and Kit. “How was the meeting?”

  “It was really good. Insightful. Hey, are you leaving? Can I walk you to your car?”

  Thea was headed to the bus stop, which happened to be on Kit’s way home. She waited for Thea to grab her things and they left together. Kit saw Walter watching them. She threw him a wave but didn’t get one in return.

  “Not sure your main man likes me much. I know I joked about the coffee earlier, but I know even exploring the possibility of a friendship with someone like me is probably almost as unexpected for you as the turmeric. Thanks for not writing me off just because of my past.”

  “You have no idea.” Thea looked sad.

  It was so quiet Kit almost missed it. “I’d like to,” Kit said.

  “I grew up in a neighborhood a lot like this one.” Thea indicated the apartment buildings and urban scarred landscape.

  Kit was startled by the abrupt subject change, but she accepted Thea’s lead.

  “Really? What’s your favorite memory growing up there?”

  Thea looked distressed, and Kit wished she could take back her question. Kit seemed to be making a habit of stepping in it.

  “You don’t have to tell me. Tell me about your day at work instead. Or something else entirely. Yell at me about turmeric. Tell me your favorite spice and I’ll bring you that next time.” Stop talking.

  “It’s okay.” Thea touched her fingers to Kit’s sho
ulder. “The answer is an easy one. My favorite memory is the library. I spent a lot of time there.”

  “No wonder you’re so protective of your library now. If it was your favorite place growing up.” Kit was sure there was more to the story.

  “I feel strongly every community should have a safe place available for use by everyone. A place for learning, reading, research, community, and fun. At least, that’s what I try to encourage.”

  They arrived at the bus stop a few minutes before Thea’s bus.

  “Thanks for the unexpected today, Kit. I don’t know that I’ll ever try that particular coffee combination again, but I am glad I tried it today. I don’t really like things that are unpredictable, but you managed to get me to drink yellow coffee. You should be proud of yourself.”

  “Oh, I most certainly am.” Kit puffed out her chest dramatically, which drew a laugh from Thea. “Thanks for trying something different. And for telling me about your library growing up. Just to be safe, I’ll go for something less weird next week.”

  As she walked the rest of the way home, Kit let the contentment flow without question. For once it didn’t matter how the world saw her, what her future looked like, whether she was ready to date or not. For tonight, she got to walk a beautiful woman to the bus stop and maybe, just maybe, she was making a new friend. She started grading her life on a curve a long time ago, but even without the cheat, today got top marks.

  Chapter Seven

  Kit and Josh were the first to arrive at the job site, as usual. They worked in tandem preparing for the day. While Kit pulled out supplies and readied for her work, she marveled at how far she’d come. It wasn’t long ago that she’d trailed along behind Josh in the mornings like an eager puppy, clueless, but willing to learn. Now, he didn’t bother giving her instruction or direction. They knew the list of what needed doing and worked together to check the boxes. The fact that he trusted her, that he felt she had earned his trust, meant everything to her.

  “’Bout done over there? Or are you going to daydream my money away?” Josh indicated the work she should have completed by now and pointed at his watch.

  Kit flipped him off and finished what she was doing. She rejoined him when she was done. She didn’t particularly like the fact that he’d caught her in a moment of reflection and idle hands.

  “A couple new guys are starting today.” Josh flipped through a stack of papers. “At least some of the day I need you to keep an eye on them.”

  Kit nodded. She could babysit a couple of newbies while they decided if this was the job for them. It usually didn’t take more than a day or two for the job to separate those who came to work versus those who liked the sound of hardhats, power tools, and a hard-earned paycheck.

  “Try not to let the guys ride them too hard. I’m down a couple men, so it would be nice if these two stuck around.”

  “Yeah, yeah. If they can’t take the guys though, it’s not going to work. Might as well figure that out today.”

  “Go easy on them, please?”

  “You’re the boss.” Kit grabbed her tool belt.

  Half an hour later, the rest of the crew began arriving. They were framing out a four-bedroom enormous monstrosity of a house. The apartment Kit was sharing with Josh felt like it could fit in any of the four bathrooms in this place.

  Kit didn’t have much interaction with the new guys, Micky and David, in the morning. She kept her eye on them as promised, but she didn’t have a good reason to wander by and chat. What she did get was an earful from the regular crew. Micky and David weren’t making many friends.

  Today, instead of heading off on her own for lunch, Kit stuck around. She’d been hoping to have lunch in the park and maybe catch Thea, but the mood of the crew felt volatile and she didn’t want Josh to have to deal with any flare-ups alone. She’d barely sat down when Micky struck up conversation.

  “So, Kit, you don’t feel out of place working here?”

  “I don’t follow.” Kit wasn’t in the mood for twenty questions.

  “Being the only woman.”

  “Oh, Kit’s not a woman,” Felix, one of the usual guys, said. “She’s just one of the guys.”

  “I don’t think your wife was looking for one of the guys when she was whispering in Kit’s ear last night,” one of the other guys said, teasing Felix.

  The whole crew laughed, except Felix. He turned to Kit.

  “You weren’t? With my wife? Behind my back?”

  “I’d never do that to you, man.” Kit shook her head. “Don’t let them get to you. Your wife is crazy for you.”

  Felix nodded a few times and then smiled.

  “Why would any man’s wife be interested in someone like her?” David asked.

  “Hard worker.”

  “Hot as hell.”

  “Smart as fuck.”

  “Makes a really good sandwich.”

  The guys spontaneously went around the circle listing off Kit’s attributes. None of them looked happy with the question. Kit could sense the tension rising again. Micky and David looked annoyed. Kit didn’t know what they were getting at, but she wasn’t interested in more conversation with them if this was the direction they were heading. They, however, didn’t seem to be done.

  “That’s not exactly what I meant,” Micky said.

  “I don’t care what you meant.” Kit stood. “Lunch time’s over and so is this conversation. Back to work.”

  The men dispersed, but the air of barely contained powder keg did not. She switched with one of her guys so she would be the one working with Micky and David. She hoped that would help. It didn’t. They started in on her again as soon as they had the chance.

  “How does someone as morally bankrupt as you even find a job? I know you’re not fucking the boss,” David said. Apparently, it was his turn to hassle her.

  “What’s your deal with me?” Kit spun around to face him. She had no idea why these guys had singled her out.

  “What you’ve done is offend every fiber of my being.” David’s face was red, and he took a step toward her. “The fact I have to work with you is insulting.”

  “No one’s forcing you to stay.” Kit pointed to the gate. She didn’t bother telling them today was probably their last day anyway.

  “I have no intention of leaving.”

  “Fine, then shut up and work.”

  Micky and David were quiet for a blessed fifteen minutes before they were overcome with the need to continue being assholes.

  “Does Josh drug test you constantly?” Micky asked.

  “Is that what this is about?” Kit pointed between herself and Micky. “I figured it was the gay thing, but you’re hung up on the drugs? At least you’re original. How do you even know about that?”

  Micky ignored her. He picked up a nail gun and waved it in her direction.

  “Are you high right now? Could you safely operate this tool if asked?”

  “Sure as a cricket fart you can’t. Put that down.” Micky obviously had no idea how a nail gun worked and was swinging it around dangerously. Worst of all, he was holding it with his finger depressing the trigger, meaning he could discharge a nail accidently without much effort. All he had to do was bump the safety catch and a nail would fire, into the air, or his dumb self.

  A couple of the guys who had been working nearby suddenly appeared. Kit figured they’d been letting her handle it until the two idiots playing dress up involved power tools.

  “Hey, man, why don’t you put that down before you hurt someone,” Billy, one of the crew, said.

  “I want to know if she could use it? Did anyone drug test her this morning? You work with a junkie and you don’t know if she’s capable of using the tools around you.”

  “She’s not a junkie, you piece of shit,” Billy said. “And she’s capable of using that nail gun and nailing your mouth shut. When she’s done, I’ll shove it up your ass.”

  “Billy, it’s okay.” Kit held up her hand. “He’s not worth it. I’m not h
igh, not that I have to answer to you.” She was trying to remain calm and not let Micky or David get to her, but her reserve of patience and calm was draining fast. “And I don’t pick up tools I don’t know how to use because that would put the rest of the guys here at risk. Something you’re doing right now. Take your finger off the trigger.”

  Micky seemed disinclined to relinquish the nail gun. “Don’t lecture me. Do you know why you used drugs? Addiction isn’t a disease or a medical condition like some people try to say these days. It’s a moral failing. You are weak. You are pathetic. You are a failure.” He punctuated each of his points by jamming the nail gun in the air in Kit’s direction.

  Shell-shocked, Kit just stared at him. Even in her years using, she had never been so brazenly attacked. She stood motionless, unable to flee or fight back. Micky had a look of victory in his eyes, which infuriated her. He’d started to say something else when a fist connected with the side of his jaw. It was Felix. Kit saw Josh holding Billy back, but he was yelling at Micky at the same time. It all felt like it was happening in slow motion.

  Micky lunged at her and she stepped forward. She had to get the nail gun out of his hands before someone got hurt. Kit reached for the gun as Micky raised it. It looked like he was going to take a swing at her face. She put her hand up, palm out. Kit distinctly heard the air pressure build on the nail gun and the loud pop as the nail gun bounced along her palm. The fucking idiot still had the trigger depressed and the pressure against her palm was all that was needed to shoot a nail into her hand.

  Instinct overrode the need to keep her hands up against additional insult, and she doubled over, cradling her wounded hand. In her peripheral vision, she saw Micky on the ground under a pile of angry men. Josh was trying to keep them from pummeling him. David was being held against a truck. Felix and Billy were by Kit’s side, although she wasn’t sure when they arrived.

  “Hey, tough guy, you think you can swipe away nails with your bare hands now? That’s some ninja bullshit.” Felix had his hand on her back and was crouched next to her, real concern in his eyes.

  “I can give you this same memory, if you’d like. Go get me that fucking nail gun.” Kit’s hand was throbbing and bleeding heavily. “Can you go get me something, so I don’t keep bleeding on my shoes?”