Serenity

by Jesse J. Thoma

  Kit took a moment to think about what Thea said. There was a lot to decipher. She had a lot of questions, but there was only one thing Thea needed and that was the most important thing to address right away.

  “I screwed up. My intentions weren’t bad, but I ended up making a mess, which is never good. The friendship we’ve built is important to me. If you need me to punch a timecard every night on time before I can see you, I’ll do it.”

  “You don’t have to do that.” Thea tapped on the table with her fingernail. “In fact, I’d really prefer it if you didn’t. Just don’t walk out like that. People thought I got dumped on my lunch break.”

  “Is that what people thought?” Kit grinned.

  “Three people offered to buy me drinks and that teenager you pointed out slipped her number in my back pocket ‘in case I wanted to talk about what happened.’ I’m not sure a librarian’s ever been so popular.”

  Kit noticed Thea’s cheeks turning a slight shade of pink. There seemed to be more to the story, and she couldn’t help the jealousy that flared.

  “Is that all she gave you? Your cheeks are a shade of red that makes me curious.”

  Thea’s cheeks reddened significantly. Kit wasn’t sure whether to continue being jealous or enjoy how cute Thea looked.

  “Not that it’s any of your business, but I also got a kiss on the cheek and a compliment on my ass.”

  Kit needed more details. Immediately. “This compliment, was it just a general observation, or was it after she slipped the note in your pocket? Did she cop a feel while kissing your cheek? I’m not sure how I feel about that.”

  “Whoa.” Thea held up her hand, palm out. “You don’t have to feel any way about it, because as it turns out, it has nothing to do with you. Except that the whole situation was of your own making. But you also have no reason to be jealous.”

  “Who says I’m jealous?” Kit found the bottom of her coffee cup extremely interesting.

  “I do. And so would anyone else sitting in my chair right now. I’m not sure what exactly is making you jealous. But I think I like you a little off balance and wanting more. Maybe it will keep you from running out the door and leaving me to the wolves again.”

  Kit didn’t tell Thea that she was always off balance when she was around her. Thea was simultaneously able to right her world and knock it off center. She’d done that the first time they’d met and Kit was at her lowest point, and it hadn’t stopped since. As for the wanting more, well, Kit didn’t know what to make of that.

  “I told you at lunch, you are the most amazing woman I’ve ever met. I’ll always want to spend more time with you. And just in case you think I’ve never noticed, the kindergartener was right, you do have a fantastic ass.”

  “Thank you.” Thea tilted her head and played with her napkin.

  “I’m your friend, but I’m not blind.” Kit shrugged. “Do you have to be back right away?”

  When Thea shook her head, Kit took her hand and linked their arms again. She led them out of the coffee shop and back into the park, then started down the path that looped around the outside of the central green, heading in the opposite direction of the library. It was a beautiful day, the park was quiet, and Thea was willing to spend time with her. Kit was in no hurry to return her to work.

  “Your hand isn’t bandaged anymore. Are you back at work?”

  “Not yet.” Kit held up her hand and looked at it. “I have another appointment with the doctor next week. I hope I’ll be cleared to go back then. The hole in my hand is pretty much healed. It only hurts when I extend my fingers all the way and stretch out my palm or try to make a fist. Doc says that should sort itself out, but it might be stiff and sore for a while. But I took your advice and I’ve been working at Star Recovery. It’s been incredible. The work they do there is, well, there really aren’t words. But my time’s up there. I’m swinging by later today to finish up a few last-minute things. You were right, it was the perfect temp job.”

  Thea squeezed her arm. “Kit, that’s so great. I bet you’re amazing there.”

  Kit puffed out her chest dramatically. “I’m unrivalled entering data into spreadsheets and you know how good I am delivering coffee.”

  “Have you considered joining the peer mentorship program? I saw how Frankie responded to you when you were talking to her. And I know how you make me feel when I talk to you. I think you’d be a real asset to that program.”

  “I’ve talked to a couple of the peer mentors, but I’m not part of that program. Strictly office lackey.” Kit shoved her free hand in her pocket. “Can we go back to how you feel when you talk to me?”

  “I believe we were talking about you.” Thea bumped her shoulder into Kit’s as they walked.

  Kit was really enjoying this more intimate, casual time with Thea. Not that she didn’t enjoy seeing Thea in her element in the library, but this felt different, special somehow. Whatever it was, she liked it.

  “Explain to me why it took me making you so mad you had to drag me by my ear out of the library to get you to leave work in the middle of the day?”

  “That’s a simple question with a complicated answer.” Thea sighed.

  “I’m not afraid of complicated.” Kit was surprised to realize that was true. Since she got clean she’d tried hard to keep things simple, but right now, she was happy to dive headfirst into any messy, complex situation Thea wanted to lay out. Mudwrestling in molasses, cannonballs into a Jell-O mold, epic food fight, she was down for any and all.

  “I’ll give you the two-cent version. It’s too nice a day to get into all the details. My childhood was a chaotic mess. I had no structure or predictability. My parents were unreliable and high when they were present, but they were absent most of the time. I think my life was a lot like Frankie’s, and like her, I’d never seen the other side.”

  “Your parents were users?” She couldn’t believe Thea was walking arm in arm with her right now if that had been her experience during childhood.

  “Yes.” Thea looked lost in the past. “My father died of an overdose when I was a teenager. My mom was pretty functional until I started school. Then I guess she had too much time on her hands. When it got bad or they would disappear, a neighbor would look after me, or a friend’s parents. Sometimes I’d stay with my grandmother for a few days. I’d beg everyone not to put me in the system. School and the local library were the only stable things in my life. I don’t know what I would have done if I’d been pulled away from those. I know it seems crazy now, but for some reason they all agreed. No one took me in, but I had a group watching out for me as best they could. I don’t think I would have done better in foster care.”

  “Thea, I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine the suckage.”

  “Suckage?” There was a hint of a smile. “I don’t know that one. And remember, I’m a librarian, I’m a nerd for a living. I know a lot of things.”

  “It’s a technical term and I think you’re using a librarian stereotype against me. I can’t imagine the horror of growing up in that situation. It’s no wonder you’re so protective of the library and have taken such a shine to Frankie. I also completely understand needing dependability in your life. I’m sorry I let you down when I walked out on you. But I’m wondering if I wasn’t right? Why would you want the noise that comes with my past drug use in your life when you already have enough trauma from that messiness in your own past?” It was a hard question to ask, but it was an honest one, and she didn’t want to get close to someone who would run the other way if things went weird.

  Thea looked thoughtful and didn’t answer right away. “I’ve asked myself that quite a lot. Walter’s asked me as well. I don’t know the answer. In the abstract I’d kick you to the curb, but in the flesh and blood, I don’t have any desire to get rid of you, even if it’s the safer choice. But please, don’t let me down.”

  Kit wished she knew if Thea was talking about friendship or something more. In the end it didn’t matter. Thea was asking for s
omething Kit could give. At least, she hoped she could. Her future was still foggy and her sobriety was still new, but she felt good. The buprenorphine was working to stem her cravings and she was stronger every day thanks to NA meetings and help from Ethel and others she’d met along the way. She felt optimistic for the first time in a very long time.

  “I won’t.” It was a simple response, but Kit didn’t think she needed to elaborate.

  “I’ll hold you to it.”

  “Do you still keep in touch with your mom?”

  Thea stiffened next to her. “No. I haven’t talked to her or kept track of her in years. I tried for a while, but she wasn’t easy to follow. Then I gave up trying. I felt like I should have kept trying or I shouldn’t have given up on her, but I couldn’t do it anymore.”

  “There’s nothing for you to feel guilty about.” Kit squeezed Thea’s hand. “She had to want to be found. You couldn’t work harder than she needed to, especially in the throes of her addiction. Maybe someday you’ll find your way back to each other, but it’s not your job alone to make it happen.”

  Thea kissed Kit’s cheek and wrapped both arms around Kit’s, which pulled them even closer together. “Thank you.”

  Kit felt on top of the world with Thea’s arm in hers and the kiss on her cheek. It felt like she was strutting as they walked the rest of the way back to the library, despite her best efforts not to. She couldn’t help it. Anyone in her shoes would do the same.

  * * *

  Kit was surprised at how emotional she felt walking into the office of Star Recovery for what she assumed was the last time. Her time there had been valuable for more than just monetary gain. She wished she had taken advantage of more of the programs offered at Star when she was in early recovery.

  As she made her way through the office she could hear the outreach calls happening in the next room. Peer mentors and volunteers called people in the Star Recovery network to cheerlead their recovery, link them to services if needed, or encourage them to reengage with treatment if required. Kit found the calls inspiring. Even the ones that were obviously difficult, where the individual on the other end had relapsed or was no longer interested in recovery. Kit knew how powerful it was to have someone who cared whether you were alive or not. Whether you used again or not. Even if that support felt grating at the time.

  “Kit, we’re going to miss you around here.” Luanne, Kit’s supervisor, entered the office and clapped her on the back. “Don’t suppose we can poach you from your glamorous gig out on the construction yard to toil here in this rundown building with us? Making no money and doing work that is chronically underappreciated by society at large?”

  “Luanne, you should write greeting cards with that poetic touch,” Kit said. “If it weren’t familial relationships on the line, I would never be able to turn down that offer. But I was wondering if there was a way I could stay involved? I’ve really liked my time here and you know what you do here is relevant to me.”

  Luanne’s face lit up. Kit was worried what she had just signed up for. Luanne was looking a bit too pleased. A little bit like a toddler who somehow scored an extra-large chocolate chip cookie without anyone calling her on it.

  “Whoa, what are you plotting?” Kit backed away but bumped ass first into the break room table. “That look makes me nervous.”

  “Go sit in on some phone calls or help set up for the job training. Make yourself useful if you’re going to stick around for a few.” Luanne followed Kit’s retreat and clapped her on the shoulder. “I’ll be by before you know it with some paperwork for you to sign.”

  Kit slipped into the call center room and waved to a couple of peer mentors she’d had a few conversations with. One was finishing up a call, and when he hung up, he came over. His name was Zeke. He motioned Kit out the door.

  “I hear you’re leaving us,” Zeke said.

  “Officially, yes, but I talked to Luanne about sticking around with some volunteer work.”

  Zeke seemed pleased. “We’ll be happy to have you. We always need more peer mentors. You’ll be great. I know you’re a little unsure, but we all were when we started out. Do you have more questions? I know you had some the other night. Rachelle and Jordan might have answered some of them.”

  “Peer mentor?” Kit didn’t know what he was talking about. She wanted to laugh, but she was worried it would come out in some kind of weird panicky screech. “I just want to clean the bathrooms or something. I wasn’t signing up for what you do.”

  “Why not? There’s nothing special about what I do.”

  “No disrespect,” Kit said. “But I’m trying to put the mess I made of my life as far behind me as I can and move forward. Talking to people every day about using…that’s not going to help.”

  “Maybe,” Zeke said, “the problem is you keep trying to slam the door in the face of your past. Have you thought of inviting it in and figuring out how to cohabitate? I mean, you’re here.”

  Anxiety made it hard to breathe. “Maybe I wasn’t as ready for this as I thought. Tell Luanne I’m sorry I put her to all the trouble. I have to go.”

  Kit shouldn’t have run out the door without saying good-bye to Luanne, but she needed to get out of there. She couldn’t hear another person telling her how to live her life. Did she have to walk around with a sign on her back saying she was a recovering heroin user for the rest of her life? Was that all people would ever see when they looked at her? She also didn’t want to be the kind of person who took off every time she freaked out about something, but lately that seemed to be her MO. At what point would she stick around and not piss people off?

  Josh was proud of her recovery, probably prouder than she was. And Thea didn’t seem overly focused on her past use, even when she had every right to. But the rest of the world? She’d been shot with a nail gun by a couple of the world’s representatives.

  Kit was happy to be going back to her job with Josh the next day. When she was using, she hadn’t relished physical activity, but now, she looked forward to sore muscles and a tired body, especially when her mind refused to calm.

  Chapter Thirteen

  The book display wasn’t coming together like Thea wanted and she was frustrated. It was her turn to highlight some of the books from the collection into an eye-catching display, but she was struggling. All the librarians brainstormed ideas for themes, but it was up to the librarian in charge to make it come to life. Since it was one of the first things people saw when they walked in, there was a lot of pressure. That and there was a slightly heated competition to have the most popular display. The metric for gauging popularity wasn’t the most scientific; social media engagement and people stopping to take pictures were about the sum of it, but that made the competition even fiercer. Subjective results meant you had to blow away the competition.

  “Need help?” Walter looked over Thea’s shoulder in a decidedly non-facilitative way.

  “Absolutely not.” Thea shooed him. “Take your nosy bones elsewhere. There has to be some work for you somewhere in this library.”

  “I’m on desk,” Walter said. “You might remember, the lady in charge around here scheduled me there this afternoon. She knows I like the face-to-face after lunch. But as you can see, there’s no one in need of my services at the moment. Except perhaps you.”

  Thea didn’t know how she’d forgotten she’d scheduled Walter on desk. If she’d remembered she never would have worked on the display today. Other librarians might watch her struggle and want to heckle her, but only Walter, and maybe Carrie, actually would.

  The desk was fifteen feet from where Thea was working. Walter didn’t really need to sit behind it to cover it, technically.

  “With you standing here talking to me, how would anyone know you were available?”

  Walter seemed amused, which was even more annoying. He could at least have had the decency to be properly offended by her petulance.

  Thea turned back to her display. She swapped a couple of books and steppe
d back to reevaluate. As she did, she felt someone approach.

  “I told you, I don’t need your help.”

  Whoever it was hesitated briefly.

  “Are you talking in general? Or with the work you’re doing? ’Cause that looks great.”

  Thea didn’t turn around right away. She let herself savor the brief, enjoyable anticipation of seeing Kit before she actually did.

  When she turned around she wasn’t disappointed. Her stomach leapt slightly at the sight of her, which was new and unexpected.

  Kit was back in her construction attire, complete with slight coating of sawdust on her clothes and hair. Thea wouldn’t have listed that among her top ten turn-ons, but she found it incredibly appealing when Kit was the one wrapped in the signs of a hard day’s work.

  “I’ve been battling it all afternoon. We’re competitive about the displays so there’s extra pressure to get it right. Walter’s been heckling me.” Thea waved at Walter.

  “Will this help?” Kit offered one of two coffee cups she held. “I promise nothing weird. Just a plain, boring latte.”

  “You showing up and bearing gifts always helps.” Thea took the coffee. Kit perched on a nearby chair.

  “What do you get if you win?”

  Thea was confused until Kit indicated the display. She wasn’t used to sharing such mundane details about her work with anyone outside of her colleagues. Sylvia had never been interested in what she did all day.