Serenity

by Jesse J. Thoma

  While Josh got his ice cream, Kit queued up the show they’d been binge-watching. She thought about the crisis center. Josh was right. It didn’t have to be a big deal. She’d call about the job tomorrow.

  She was less certain about her course of action with Thea. She’d felt justified leaving when she did and her logic had felt sound. But Josh had always had a way of setting her straight and making her look at multiple perspectives. Now she wasn’t sure she’d done the right thing. Especially since she really hadn’t given Thea much chance to have an opinion. Kit hoped she hadn’t blown a chance at a friendship. She wasn’t in a position for anything more, but having a beautiful friend around wasn’t a bad thing.

  Kit paused the show mid explosion, before she chickened out. “Hey, you still have tickets to the game in a few weeks?”

  “Sure. You wanna go?”

  “Uh, yeah. But not with you. You might be right that I screwed up with Thea and I want to make it up to her.”

  Josh cocked his eyebrow but didn’t say anything. Kit glared at him.

  “You would be less annoying if you just said I told you so. You know that, right?”

  Josh took a big, overly exaggerated bite of ice cream, but mercifully didn’t say a word.

  They settled in to watch the rest of the show, but Kit was distracted. The day had been an emotional smorgasbord. She’d started off with white-hot anger, then cooled to happiness at Thea’s invitation. Sadness and acceptance had ruled after lunch, and now she was left with confusion and a sprinkle of hope. No wonder she was so tired. She’d have to watch this episode again anyway, so she didn’t fight the sleep when it descended. She was out before the final credits rolled.

  Chapter Eleven

  Thea sat at her desk and stared at her computer. She had been staring at it for longer than she cared to admit. She was supposed to be reading reviews of new books with an eye to whether they would be a fit in the library’s collection. It was something she loved. Today she couldn’t seem to focus. It was late in the day and she was ready to go home, even if the clock was being stubborn and unsupportive.

  True to her word, Thea hadn’t seen Kit outside of the usually scheduled NA meeting time. Kit had zipped into the meeting and then left, talking to an older woman Thea had seen at a few other meetings. Kit had waved but didn’t stop to talk. Thea was annoyed at how much it bothered her. After all, she didn’t know Kit all that well. They’d only just begun this friendship so what did it matter? But it did matter and that was the part that stung. She wanted it to matter to Kit, too. But if it didn’t, or couldn’t, it was better to know that now.

  “You look like you could use a pick-me-up.” Walter plopped down in the guest chair and deposited two coffee mugs on Thea’s desk.

  “How do you always know when I’m tired and running low on caffeine?”

  “I brought you coffee for that too.” Walter nudged the coffee closer. “Let’s have it. Why are you wallowing?”

  “I most certainly am not wallowing.” At least, she hoped she wasn’t.

  “Save an old man the time of having to argue semantics or pull it out of you. I will sit here all night if I have to, but I have a salacious book and a perfectly aged bottle of port waiting for me at home. I fully intend to give both their due.”

  “You’re a national treasure, Walter. I’m really fine. I had lunch with Kit a few days ago. I thought we were starting to build a nice friendship. She feels differently. No one likes to feel rejected, that’s all. Sorry I made you worry.”

  Walter didn’t answer right away. Thea could tell he was weighing his words carefully, but she couldn’t tell what he was thinking. She wished he wasn’t working so hard to censor himself and would just spit it out already.

  “Somewhere in this library is a recipe for a truth serum. Don’t make me go looking,” Thea said.

  Walter held up his hands defensively. “I was simply wondering if with that particular woman, it wasn’t rather a good thing. Especially given your history.”

  Thea sighed. She wanted to be mad at Walter for the suggestion, but it wasn’t like she hadn’t considered that herself. Being hurt by those who used drugs was an indelible part of her history. By that measure, she should run from Kit. But that was about dating Kit. This was about friendship. It felt like there was a difference.

  “It seems that’s everyone’s argument.” She didn’t mean to be as short as it came out. “I’m sorry. The thought has crossed my mind. And a version of it is what Kit said when we last spoke, although she was talking about the library, not my personal history. She doesn’t know about that. In the abstract, you’re right, I want nothing to do with her. But we don’t live in an abstract world.”

  Walter looked contemplative again. It was one of his greatest qualities, but sometimes Thea really needed him to get on with it. She recognized the contradiction in herself. For someone who was careful and organized about everything, she wanted more action, less thinking on his part.

  “I guess the question is what are you going to do about it then?” Walter took a sip of coffee and looked ready to wait as long as needed for an answer.

  Thea didn’t need to ponder. “Nothing. She made it clear she’s not interested in a friendship. What is there to do? There’s no point in pursuing someone who doesn’t want you around.”

  “Thea, I love you, you know that,” Walter said. “But sometimes you need a good shake. I know how your parents shaped your world view, and Sylvia reinforced every instinct you’ve developed. But life is far more interesting and richer when you haven’t already played out five moves ahead. Sometimes sacrifice the queen at the beginning of the game because it makes things more exhilarating.”

  “You know I don’t know how to play checkers.” She waited for Walter’s face to turn red and the indignant sputtering to start. “Oh, chess. You were talking about chess. That’s right, you like to play.”

  Walter snatched the coffee he’d brought with him out of Thea’s hand. She was mid sip so it was an especially cruel punishment.

  “Are you telling me to torpedo something in my life just to see if I can work my way out of it? Because I feel like a lot of my life has been overcoming obstacles I had nothing to do with. I don’t really want to create new ones if I can help it, and I’m not sure that kind of chaos sounds exhilarating.”

  “Not at all what I’m saying.” Walter returned the coffee. “I’m perhaps wondering if dipping a toe into the world of spontaneity and stepping outside your comfort zone would do you some good.”

  “I did go out to lunch. During work hours.” Thea tilted her coffee cup at him.

  “I would hardly believe it if I hadn’t witnessed the event with my own eyes.”

  “And what, pray tell, would you have me do, spontaneously, and well outside my comfort zone, with Kit?”

  Walter raised his brow. “That sounds like a question this old man has no business answering.”

  She started to clarify her meaning while trying hard not to blush, but Walter shushed her with a loud laugh as he got up to leave.

  After he left, Thea gave up completely on reading reviews. She thought about Walter’s suggestion to be bolder. There was no denying she was careful, and she’d had that instinct reinforced over and over in her life. Maybe Walter was right, though, maybe she could be a little more adventurous. Cautious was safe, but what had she gained by playing it safe? She’d never known what she was missing until Kit walked out of the restaurant. Friendship felt like something worth taking a risk for.

  Thea decided. The next time she saw Kit, she wasn’t going to let her walk by without talking to her.

  Now all she had to do was figure out what the hell to say.

  Chapter Twelve

  The longer Kit avoided Thea, the more of a coward she felt. She didn’t have a good excuse for not rushing back to the library after talking to Josh and apologizing to Thea. Embarrassment, fear, inertia…take your pick.

  She also wanted to go back to Thea with more than a sm
ile and her hat in her hand. Today was the end of her second week at the substance abuse crisis center, Star Recovery. There had been very little filing, but she had done plenty of office tasks. She’d also seen how the center worked and the clients they served, and it was interesting seeing it from the other side of the sober counter. It had taken almost the full two weeks, but eventually she worked up the guts to talk to some of the peer mentors. They were pretty incredible. NA provided peer to peer support, but this was different. More professional and structured. Kit knew she would have benefited from the peer mentorship when she first started her road to recovery.

  Kit bounded up the library steps, suddenly eager to see Thea. She always looked forward to seeing her, and the first glance often took her breath away, but today she also couldn’t wait to finally talk to her again, too. In fact, she wasn’t sure what the hell she had been thinking staying away so long.

  It took her a few minutes to find Thea in the busy library. She wasn’t at the desk and Kit couldn’t immediately pick her out of the crowd. She considered going down to her office. Before she did something really embarrassing like standing on the front desk and scanning the crowd, she heard Thea’s voice.

  Thea was crouched next to an elderly man working on one of the computers. He was a worse typist than Kit, which didn’t seem possible. Thea was talking to him softly, clearly providing much needed encouragement. Kit watched the interaction. It was obvious there was genuine affection between the pair.

  Kit wondered what someone watching her would see. Probably a woman trying hard to convince herself she was absolutely not jealous. Not at all jealous of an old man trying not to cry after accidently turning on track changes and not knowing what the hell had happened. It’s not like the computer was cheating on her. Computers fucked with her all the time. And she had no claim to Thea. Wasn’t even sure she wanted one, but damn if she wasn’t beautiful.

  Before Kit could spend too much time wondering how long she was going to stand staring at Thea, she turned around and caught Kit staring. Not nearly the smooth entrance Kit had been hoping for, but it was what she had to work with.

  Kit was about to launch into her apology and ask for forgiveness when Thea took her by the arm and pulled her over to the computer and the older man.

  “Kit, sit. This is Mr. Blackman. Mr. Blackman, this is Kit. I’m not sure if she’s a friend of mine, but she’s a generally agreeable lady. She’s going to help you with your document for a few minutes while I go and find someone I’m sure is a friend of mine. If you have any questions, she’ll be happy to answer them.”

  “I would?” She looked at Thea. There was very clearly only one acceptable answer. “Yes, I would. I’d be very happy to help.”

  Shit. Generally agreeable was how you described an old, grumpy ass cat that left dead mice on the front porch and refused to shit in the litter box.

  Thea walked away without another word. At least she hadn’t kicked her out.

  “She’s not happy with you,” Mr. Blackman said.

  “Mr. Blackman, you are wise beyond your years.”

  “There are no years beyond mine, youngster. I don’t like to see anyone suffering, but that was more fireworks than this old man’s seen in two decades.” Mr. Blackman pulled out a hanky and blew his nose before turning back to the computer with a scowl.

  “What are we working on here?” Kit didn’t particularly want to be Mr. Blackman’s fireworks.

  “I wrote a poem for my wife. My handwriting’s not so good anymore, and her eyesight isn’t either, so I wanted to put it into the computer for her. I heard you can make it as big as you like. I used to write her poems all the time. It’s not so easy now.”

  “That’s very sweet of you. How long have you been married?” Kit could tell this was a man devoted to the woman he’d married.

  “Fifty-five years. The best years of my life. You figure out where you went wrong with your lady there and apologize. Trust me, it’s not worth staying angry.”

  Kit was confused until she realized he was talking about Thea.

  “Oh, Thea and I are just friends. I mean, as you said, she is mad at me and has every reason to be, but we’re just friends. I came here to say sorry.”

  Mr. Blackman looked her over. Kit tried not to squirm as he did. She was marginally successful.

  “Didn’t sound like she was all that interested in being friends. You riled her. I only have one person in the world who can rile me, and it isn’t any of my friends. It’s okay if you two don’t know it yet, time has a way of sorting these things out.”

  Kit wasn’t convinced Thea wanted Kit to be the one who could rile her, but now that he’d brought it up, it was like a catchy song she couldn’t get out of her head. It wasn’t like the thought hadn’t crossed her mind, her and Thea.

  “Quit your daydreaming. I’m already pushing it getting this thing typed before I die. Don’t need you off in the clouds when we need to focus.”

  “Yes, sir.” Kit suppressed the urge to salute. “Let’s get to work.”

  She and Mr. Blackman painstakingly started typing the poem he’d written for his wife. It was the sweetest thing she’d ever read. She hoped someday she’d love someone enough to want to work as hard as he was now to give this gift to his wife.

  They were four lines in when Thea returned with Walter.

  “Uh-oh,” Kit said to Mr. Blackman. “She brought the bouncer.”

  “For me or you?” Mr. Blackman winked at her.

  “They’d never toss a good-looking guy like you out of a fine establishment like this,” Kit said. “I think this is where we part, Mr. Blackman. It was very nice to meet you. Walter, which door are you tossing me through?”

  “You should be so lucky.” Walter took Kit’s vacated seat next to Mr. Blackman.

  Thea once again took Kit by the arm and marched her through the library, past the desk, and out the front door. Kit wanted to ask questions, a lot of questions, but she felt like it was best to follow Thea’s lead.

  Whenever Thea stopped leading them and they got to their destination, Kit would get down on her knees and beg for forgiveness, if that’s what Thea wanted.

  If a woman like Thea turns her head your direction, what kind of idiot walks away? “This idiot,” Kit said.

  “What?” Thea slowed and let go of Kit’s arm.

  Kit wanted to offer it again. She liked the contact and the power and surety that radiated from Thea through their connected limbs. “Oh, nothing. I’m the idiot. I have a few things to apologize for.” Kit looked around. “Uh, where are we going?”

  “You are, you do, and we’re going somewhere you can start making it up to me.”

  Was Thea trying to be suggestive? Was she reading into it?

  “I have no idea what I said that is putting that look on your face.” Thea circled her finger in the air around Kit’s face. “But you are going to buy me coffee. While I drink it, you’re going to tell me what the hell you were thinking walking out of lunch, why you’ve been gone so long, and what you’re going to do about it now.”

  Kit was pretty sure Thea was doing it on purpose. She had to be, right? She felt like she was doing the mental equivalent of staring at Thea’s chest. Why was her mind suddenly going places it hadn’t previously strayed?

  Damn it, Mr. Blackman.

  When she went to the library she was ready for a big public apology if necessary, even some light public groveling. But now, Thea was in charge of the situation and was seemingly, from everything Kit knew of her, acting in a very uncharacteristic manner. It had Kit feeling so off balance her brain was doing whatever the hell it felt like, including reading innuendo where there was none. Bolting from coffee, again, wasn’t an option so she was going to have to figure it out. She just had to sit there like a normal human being and try not to make things weird. Why was that suddenly a big ask?

  “You don’t need to look so scared,” Thea said. “You made a colossal mistake and I was annoyed about it, but I really do wa
nt to get coffee so we can talk. I’m not taking you out in public so I can scream at you.”

  “Well, that’s a relief.” Kit wiped her brow jokingly, but her hands were a little shaky. “But if you change your mind and you’re going to throw your coffee at me, give me a heads up. I’ll ask them to pour you the dregs of the last brew. I know you’re into your coffee. No need to waste a good cup.”

  “You’re never a waste.” Thea took Kit’s arm again, but this time she looped hers through and they walked arm in arm.

  Kit liked having Thea on her arm. It made her feel important and like someone she wanted the world to notice.

  “Are you nervous leaving the library unattended in the middle of the day?” They settled into seats at the coffee shop and Kit twirled her cup.

  “Did you see how many staff members were in the library when you came in? My leaving doesn’t mean they have to shutter the place. I think they’ll muddle through without me.”

  “Muddle, yes. But I don’t get the sense that you leave very often for coffee jaunts in the middle of the day. I feel deeply, truly, honored, even if you hauled me out of there so that I wouldn’t embarrass you with the fifteen-stanza apology poem I’d prepared. Which, by the way, I would have coupled with a gracefully awkward interpretive dance.”

  “Get up.” Thea pulled the coffee cup from Kit’s hands and jokingly began to stand. “We’re going back now. What do you need? Sound system? Dance space? I’ll call ahead and have it ready. Please say you need those scarves. You know the ones I mean? The little dance scarves?”

  “Sorry to disappoint you. You’ll have to settle for my sincere, one-on-one apology.” Her smile faltered and she bit her lip. “I really am sorry, Thea. I shouldn’t have walked out on you. My reasoning seemed solid in my head at the time, but even Josh told me I was an asshole, and he’s the nicest man alive. Unless you mess with his mother starter. Then all bets are off.”

  “Thank you.” Thea cocked her head. “His what? Never mind. I know what you were trying to do. I don’t hold that against you. I don’t need an apology, although it is nice to get. I need assurance. I need to know you aren’t going to get up and walk away again the next time you get scared. You joked that I never leave the library for meals or spontaneous coffee dates. That’s true. Dependability, reliability, predictability. Those are all things that are crucial to me. It’s how I feel comfortable and safe. So if you have no intention of being reliable and dependable, let me know now. I’m perfectly capable of making my own decisions, so give me the benefit of the doubt that my brain is still working admirably, please?”