Serenity

by Jesse J. Thoma

  She decided it wasn’t worth trying to figure out. Thea was here with her now. Kit was a little horrified to realize she had no idea what to talk about. She never seemed to have trouble striking up conversation in the library, but there seemed to be more pressure in the real world. Was this a date? Casual lunch between friends? Would Thea realize she had no idea what she was doing? What if Thea didn’t realize she had no idea what she was doing? Why had she swallowed her tongue?

  Kit took a sip of water and looked at Thea. She looked similarly tongue-tied.

  “Frankie.” Not particularly smooth, but at least something came out of her mouth. “Frankie’s been around the library a lot.”

  Thea looked relieved. “She’s working there now. Part-time. She asked for a job.”

  “She adores you.” Kit had a little momentum now. “Most kids worship athletes or movie stars or people they’ll never meet. Not every kid gets to talk to their hero every day. She’s pretty damn lucky.”

  “I’m quite certain that’s not at all how Frankie would describe our relationship.” Thea took a sip of water and averted her gaze. “I’d say she tolerates me. At best.”

  Kit felt the ice break. She and Thea were themselves again. She refrained from wiping her brow or letting out an inappropriately loud sigh of relief.

  “First, you’re full of it. Second, I’m very good at translating teenager. I stand by my assessment.”

  “Okay, braggart, it’s your lucky day. This place is full of teenagers. I’ll point, you translate.”

  They worked their way around the room. Thea pointed out teenagers at random and Kit provided her assessments of their inner thoughts. Most of the time she shared what she really thought was going on in their head, but a few she just made up.

  “Blue shirt, your three o’clock, face buried in his phone.” Thea moved her fork on the table to point at the target.

  “Wants his parents to think he’s not interested but is really desperate for them to tell him to put down his phone.”

  Thea considered. “Not bad. I think you’re right. Poor kid. Why don’t you go over and have a chat with the parents?”

  “Oh no.” She held up her hands in defense. “I absolutely do not speak parent. I can provide references to that point.”

  “Fair. I’m not a huge fan of them either.”

  Before Kit could follow up, Thea moved on.

  “Okay, your ten o’clock, pink shirt, blond hair.”

  “Regretting a sit-down restaurant for the first date. But just caught a look at you and I think made a rather significant personal discovery.”

  “What? You definitely made that last part up.” Thea turned subtly so she could look at the blond girl.

  Kit estimated her to be about nineteen. The girl winked at Thea and Kit hid her laugh behind her soda.

  Thea snapped back around quickly. “How did you make her do that?”

  “I’m not the only one who can recognize a beautiful woman when I see one. I just happen to be the only one sitting at her table. But I’ll gladly accept the dirty looks. It’s well worth it.”

  “Charmer,” Thea said.

  Kit tipped an imaginary cap.

  “Oh, now here’s an interesting case.” Kit tapped her chin and furrowed her brow. “Mr. Captain Marvel shirt back there is thinking about French fries. That’s his sole focus right now.”

  “You can tell that from his facial expression?” Thea leaned forward, looking skeptical.

  “The little drool droplet on his chin gives it away. That and the French fry doodles on his placemat and his nonstop yammering about it.”

  “I think that’s cheating.” Thea leaned back and crossed her arms. “You said you were going to read facial expressions.”

  “I said no such thing. I said I would translate teenager. ‘Yum, yum, French fry’ is an easy translation.”

  “And what about librarians? Any experience translating them?”

  Kit felt like her heart jumped the curb then slammed to a stop before gunning it and running a red light. What exactly was Thea asking? What was she hoping Kit said? She searched Thea’s face. No Rosetta stone there. Why was she so bad at this? She answered honestly.

  “I’m not fluent in librarian. But I’m enjoying getting to know the one I’m having lunch with right now.”

  “Good. Your librarian is enjoying it too.”

  When Thea smiled, Kit was sure its light would filter into the darkest places and bring warmth.

  While they waited for their food, Kit asked about the library. Thea updated her on the sharps containers. Although they weren’t full, a few needles were deposited every day or so. Most importantly, since the containers had been installed, no one had found a used syringe left anywhere in the library.

  Kit thought it sounded like a success, but she could see Thea was hesitant.

  “People are still shooting drugs in the library, Kit. Even if they clean up after themselves, the activity is still ongoing.”

  “And you don’t want drug users in your library?”

  “Yes. Wait, no. I don’t want people using drugs in my library. I want the library to be a safe place for everyone.”

  “Do you know why I came to the library last year? The inauspicious day we first met?”

  Thea waited for her to continue.

  Kit took a deep breath. What would Thea think after she shared? It wasn’t as though it could get worse. She’d seen the worst of it.

  “I came to the library precisely because it was safe. I was starting to withdraw. It had taken me forever to finally get my next hit, and I felt terrible. I knew I was vulnerable. I wasn’t close to any of the usual places I used or people I used with. I came to the library because I knew I would be safe. And I knew that if I overdosed, someone would find me.”

  It still gave Kit pause to think of how little regard she had for her own life when she was in the throes of her addiction. The cravings and physical and psychological hold the drug had on her were so powerful it was nearly enough to override the basic human instinct to stay alive. She was thankful every day she had found her way out the other side, even if the journey was a daily struggle.

  “I never thought of the library as a safe haven for the people using drugs.” Thea rolled her fork around and around on the table absently. “Thank you for sharing that with me. So how do I protect everyone?”

  “Who says you have to? Why does it have to be your job to do that?” She wanted to reach out to take Thea’s hand, but she held back. A big bandaged club hand wasn’t very comforting anyway.

  “I do,” Thea said. “A library was there for me as a kid when I needed it. It’s there for kids like Frankie and anyone else who needs it.”

  “Don’t forget us recovering souls who grace your establishment once a week to drink bad coffee and improve ourselves.”

  “You are unforgettable.” Thea winked.

  Kit reached out this time and ran her fingers across the top of Thea’s hand. Only the tops of her fingers were sticking out of the bandage, but the brief contact felt like enough.

  “The problem with having us all in there, is any one of us, at any time, could be the drug user you’re trying to keep out. I want nothing more than to put my past behind me and move on, but I keep showing up to meetings because I know there’s always a danger of relapse. For me. My sponsor. Anyone in that room.”

  Thea’s shoulders drooped and she scrubbed her face with her hands. So much for an enjoyable lunch with a friend.

  “Hey, let’s talk about something else. You came to lunch to get away from work.”

  “It’s okay, it’s not like I don’t think of this at all hours of the day anyway. This way at least I’m not talking to myself. As a kid it would have shattered my sense of safety in the one place I felt any, if I had stumbled upon what Frankie did. As an adult, I can’t imagine ever making you feel unwelcome, for any reason.”

  “Maybe there’s a way it doesn’t have to be one or the other,” Kit said. “And before yo
u ask, because I can see you’re going to, I have no idea how. But I’m sure we can figure it out.”

  “Deal. But now,” Thea picked up Kit’s bandaged hand carefully, “will you tell me what happened?”

  Kit looked down at her hand. She felt the anger roar again, as if someone had reignited coals that had never fully extinguished. But now she felt something else just as strongly. She was embarrassed. It wasn’t as if Thea didn’t know about her drug using past.

  But this was different. This was her past refusing to take on its proper past tense and instead meddle in her present. It was embarrassing that she couldn’t keep her past from popping up now in such a violent way. What the hell would Thea think of her?

  “Disagreement with a nail gun.” Kit pulled her hand back and put it in her lap, under the table.

  “I don’t really know how nail guns work. You’re not left-handed, are you? Do you usually use them with your non-dominant hand?”

  “I wasn’t the one wielding it.” She wished Thea would leave it at that, but she knew she wouldn’t. Thea was curious and observant and wanted to understand things. It was one of the things Kit liked best about her.

  “Someone shot you with a nail gun?”

  Thea looked so offended, and Kit liked someone being outraged on her behalf. The guys at work had been furious, but this was different.

  “Were they new? Were they incompetent?”

  “Yes, to all three. Although, I don’t think he actually meant to shoot me. But he and a friend picked a fight with me because of who they thought I am. My moral corruption was offensive to them. I guess I’m lucky I only got a nail through the hand, a few appointments with a physical therapist, and some time off work, and not a stake through the eye or a date with a flaming pyre.” Kit saw Thea’s question before she could ask it. “Drug use, not the gay thing.”

  “Kit, I’m so sorry.”

  Damn it. I can’t do this to Thea. I can’t hurt her. Look what I’ve already done to Josh.

  Thea reached for Kit’s hand, the one left on the table, again. This time Kit gently pulled it away. It hurt when she did. She knew it was the right thing to do. Telling Thea about what happened had clarified that for her. Thea was light, and beauty, and fresh sea air. Kit’s life didn’t have room for those things. Not yet, and maybe not ever.

  “Thea, thank you for inviting me to lunch. You’re amazing. Probably the most amazing woman I’ve ever met. But me, I’m the thing you’re trying to keep out of your library. Apparently, I’m instability, and chaos, and projectiles. I’m nail guns to the palm.”

  “So, you’re going to what?” Thea pulled her hand back and wrapped her arms around herself. “Walk out of here and not talk to me anymore? Not come to the library?”

  “I don’t know. I want to protect you and what you’ve built at the library until I can get control of my past.”

  “It looks to me like you have pretty good control of it, Kit. I’m not asking you to get up and leave. I don’t need your protection. Not from you. Not from your past.”

  “I know.” Kit stood and put her napkin on the table. “Thank you for lunch.”

  Kit kissed the top of Thea’s head and walked out the door of the restaurant. She felt like a jerk for leaving her like that, but it felt like the right thing to do. Her past was still so much of her present. She couldn’t pretend it wouldn’t come back to hurt her or someone she cared about when she had the literal wounds to prove otherwise.

  If only it didn’t feel so shitty.

  Chapter Ten

  Kit was reading and rereading the mission statement of the nonprofit organization looking for temporary office help when Josh got home.

  “You better not have watched ahead on our show or I swear I will throw your clothes and then you out the window and write you out of my will.” Josh kicked off his work boots and rolled his shoulders.

  “That’s the line?” Kit looked away from Josh shedding the last of the job site. She wanted to run and put it all on and get back to work. “I always thought it was throwing away your weird bread making science experiment from the back of the fridge.”

  “You wouldn’t touch my mother starter.” Josh looked like he wanted to run to the fridge to check on his pride and joy. “You like eating my bread too much.”

  “Truth,” Kit said. “But I did lick the top of just one of your ridiculously overpriced tiny cartons of ice cream in there. You’ll never know which one.”

  “You have chocolate on the side of your mouth.” Josh flicked her nose as he walked by. “And you’re making a huge assumption that I care.”

  Kit scooped food onto two plates and shoved one Josh’s way. She only had one hand, but she could still be useful around the house.

  “How did you fill your day of leisure? Manicure?”

  Kit tried to flip him off, but the bandage prevented the satisfaction. Once he started laughing at her there was no point switching to the other hand.

  “I went to the library, might have found a temp job, and had lunch with Thea, before walking out at the end like an ass. I was busy.”

  “Wait. What? I’m going to go in order here. I told you, you don’t need to find another job or worry about the rent this month. Thea’s the librarian you have the hots for, right? Why, for the love of God, would you walk out on a beautiful woman? Did the drugs mess up your brain more than it already was? Do I need to remind you how it works when you’re across the table from a woman you’re interested in repeating the experience with?”

  “I remember how it works. I was using heroin. I wasn’t dead.”

  “Then what’s your problem now?” Josh stopped shoveling food in his mouth long enough to look at her like she had turned into a smelly, three-headed yeti while he was at work.

  Kit didn’t want to get into it again, but she knew Josh wouldn’t let it go. He was both good like that and a total pain in her ass.

  “Those two assholes who came after me, they did it because of my past. Now you’re jammed up and I’m out of work for a couple weeks until this heals. Thea’s trying to get away from drug use and all that comes with it. She doesn’t need me around until it’s further behind me.”

  “God, you’re an idiot sometimes.” Josh waved his fork at her. “You used to pull shit like this when we were kids too. Always trying to do whatever you thought was the noble thing, even when your logic was crap.”

  “Straighten me out then.” Kit felt her anger ramping up again. She and Josh loved each other, but they also had a history of some pretty explosive fights. She had stitches to prove just how far they were willing to go to settle their disagreements.

  “You think you’re going to stop becoming a recovering heroin user after some number of days or years passes? You think people are suddenly just not going to know about it anymore or you just aren’t going to be that anymore? Twenty years from now, one of those idiots could have taken offense at that part of you and picked a fight. Maybe it won’t be as fresh and maybe fewer people will know about it because you’ll talk about it less, but it’ll still be there. There are some things you can’t change, no matter how hard you wish them away.”

  “I’m not trying to wish it away.” Kit jabbed at a chair leg with her foot.

  “Well, you shouldn’t,” Josh said. “I’ll say it until you believe me. You should be proud of yourself for changing your life. I’m sure as hell proud of you. You worked your ass off for this. You keep working your ass off every day. Maybe stop working so damn hard to forget it ever happened. And go apologize to that librarian. Walked out during lunch? What the hell were you thinking?”

  “Why am I listening to you? You live with your addict cousin and bake bread in your spare time.”

  “I’m a catch,” Josh said. “And so are you. Now what’s this job you’re considering taking until you can get back to doing real work?”

  “It’s at the mental health and substance abuse crisis center.” Why did her voice sound so small and timid? What was she afraid of?


  “Kit, that’s fantastic. They do peer support there too, right? Is that what you’ll be doing? Did you swing through there when you were first starting out?”

  Josh looked far more excited than Kit was. He’d always been more excitable than her.

  “Yeah. They need someone to do filing and stuff. Probably some computer work. Maybe fetch coffee. Shit I can do one-handed.”

  Kit wondered if anyone there would remember her. She figured they saw so many people that one in a sea of crises wasn’t going to stand out. She hadn’t really utilized many of the services they offered, but she had reached out and talked to a crisis counselor. It was the day she’d first met Thea.

  “Does anyone actually keep enough paper copies of things that they need help filing? Is that still a thing?” Josh asked.

  “Oh, for fuck’s sake, I don’t know. They need someone to do office work. It said something about files. I want the work, but the location freaks me out a little.”

  “You can be anyone you want to be locked in that office doing your filing.” Josh made sure to drag out the word “filing” like it had some kind of double meaning. “But you could also find out more about what they do. You’d be a pretty amazing peer mentor.”

  “I’m not sure I trust your judgment. I hear you hired a couple of lunatics and let one of your employees get shot with a nail gun.”

  “Well, when you put it like that.” Josh shrugged and took a sip of his drink. “I’m still right. Take the job. Apologize to your librarian.”

  “Just like that?” She knew when Josh was done talking about something because he’d settled on the solution.

  “Yep. Just like that. You have a game plan, we have a show to watch, and I have pre-licked ice cream to consume.”

  “Fine, I guess it’s settled. I’ll get the spoons.” Kit cleared their plates if not her worries.

  “Hell no. You had your chance to actually eat some rather than just lick it. Your loss.”