Serenity

by Jesse J. Thoma

  Kit had no idea why, but the idea of a souvenir helmet cup on Thea’s desk was enough to thaw her limbs. A helmet from their date.

  “I refuse to stand between a woman and a tiny souvenir helmet,” Kit said.

  “It better not be that tiny.” Thea shot Kit a look. “I don’t want to be cheated out of my ice cream.”

  Kit offered her arm, but Thea laced her fingers through Kit’s instead. It took an inordinate amount of willpower for Kit to not leap off the ground and whoop with delight. She was afraid if she did, she would pull her hand free from Thea’s. No celebratory exultation was worth that.

  They walked in silence for a few blocks. It wasn’t an uncomfortable silence, though. Kit was intensely aware of the feel of Thea’s hand in hers. She had always felt a restlessness deep in the most out of reach recesses of her soul, but as soon as Thea’s hand slid into hers, some of that churning quieted. Perhaps it was the newness of the feeling or her excitement at having Thea willing to hold her hand at all. Or maybe it was something else entirely.

  “Penny for your thoughts,” Thea said.

  Tell her you usually feel like a firecracker ready to explode, but when she holds your hand it feels like she extinguishes the fuse. I dare you.

  “If you’re willing to spend two pennies, then I can tell you the two things I was thinking. The first is, thank you for taking a chance on me and coming out tonight. I don’t imagine it’s easy.”

  Thea nodded. “Kit, if being around you was hard, I wouldn’t be here. I wanted it to be hard, but you’re so damn likeable. What’s my second penny get me?”

  “I was thinking how beautiful you are, always, but I was thinking specifically tonight. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you in non-work mode. I like it. I’d like to see more of it.”

  “You don’t want to see how the rest of the evening goes? Play it by ear before you say you want more?”

  “Are you planning on spilling nachos on me and heckling the home team?”

  “That wasn’t on my list of things to do tonight, no.” Thea laughed and squeezed her hand.

  Once they got to the ballpark and made their way to their seats, the game was just beginning. Kit loved baseball. She pulled a scorebook from the bag she’d brought and leaned forward to get a better look at the scoreboard. She was filling in the lineups when she felt Thea’s hand on her cheek.

  “I didn’t get a chance to tell you earlier how incredible you look.” Thea stroked her cheek, then pulled her hand away. “This shirt is now tied as my favorite Kit look.”

  “What’s it tied with?”

  “You in your work shirt, covered in sawdust.” She looked a little embarrassed admitting it.

  Kit wanted to kiss her but didn’t. It didn’t seem like the kind of thing Thea would appreciate so early on a first date. Kit wasn’t usually so over eager, but Thea was making her react in all kinds of new and different ways.

  “I’m sorry we were a little late to the ballpark and you missed your empty field magical moment,” Thea said.

  Kit was thrilled Thea remembered her joking comment and somehow understood that it really was something she thought was magical.

  “I got something better when I saw you sitting on your stoop.” Kit stole a look at Thea over her scorebook.

  “What am I going to do with you, Kit Marsden?”

  “Anything you want.”

  Thea’s cheeks turned an adorable shade of red. Kit let her off the hook.

  “Do you ever score games while you watch?”

  “I admit I’ve never scored and don’t know how,” Thea said. “Which seems weird since it is completely in my wheelhouse of attention to details and predictability.”

  Kit didn’t understand. “There’s no predictability to baseball. You have no idea what the batter’s going to do. Well, that’s not exactly true, but you don’t know how an inning is going to go or who is going to win. That doesn’t drive you nuts?”

  “Not at all. Because it’s all in the framework of rules and structure. I can deal with the chaos of the game since it’s contained within the rules that are predictable. I understand what will eventually happen. For example, the inning will end and the new one will start, so let chaos reign.”

  “I’ve never thought of it that way.” Kit tapped her pencil on her chin. “Would you like to score with me?”

  Kit was worried her offer was a little lame. She tried to view it from Thea’s perspective. Who went through the motions of scoring the game anymore? Stadiums were multisensory distraction factories seemingly designed to get you to look at anything and everything but the actual game, and it wasn’t like they didn’t keep score anyway. There were much better and more exciting things to do than sitting and debating whether a slightly bobbled ball was an error by the shortstop or a clean single.

  “Kit, relax. I already told you, I can’t think of anything better than spending tonight watching baseball with you. And now I know you can teach me to score the game, and I’m assuming it’s different from what we see on the score board over there. So, get to it. We’ve already missed half an inning. We’ll miss another half when you buy me my ice cream.”

  Kit wasn’t completely convinced, but Thea pointed at the scorebook and told Kit to get on with it. Kit started her quick and dirty explanation of how to score. While she did, Thea moved as close as she could in her seat and rested her head on Kit’s shoulder. Kit didn’t want to move for fear of ruining the moment. She also forgot all about scoring, but Thea kept asking questions and filling in the score sheet as the game progressed. Kit was happy to turn over control. As far as Kit was concerned, Thea resting her head on her shoulder was the only thing on earth that mattered.

  * * *

  Thea breathed in the warm evening air and sighed with contentment. Kit squeezed her hand and looked at her, a question in her eyes. Thea had never particularly enjoyed holding hands with anyone, until she slipped her hand in Kit’s.

  “Nothing’s wrong, if that’s what you’re worried about,” Thea said. “I had a great time at the game. It’s a beautiful night. I’m happy.”

  “There’s nothing this night has to offer that holds a candle to you.” Something fell out of a tree and thunked off Kit’s shoulder. “Which is why the squirrels are throwing things at me.”

  Right on cue, a squirrel on a low branch started chattering at them as they walked past.

  “I see you Nutsy von Squirrel,” Kit said. “Catcalling a lady on the sidewalk is no way to behave.”

  “Are you defending my honor from a squirrel?”

  “Only if you think it’s charming. Otherwise, nope. I was performing a public service announcement on this very quiet street.”

  “You’re a charmer. And you seem to know how to make me laugh. Two points in your favor.”

  “Ah, a points system. I can work with that.” Kit’s hair was a little windswept from being outside for hours and the expression on her face bordered on cocky. She looked roguishly handsome. Thea had a rash urge to grab fistfuls of her sexy shirt, shove her back against the nearest wall, and kiss her until she’d had her fill.

  Jesus Christ. Get a hold of yourself. Thea involuntarily pulled her hand from Kit’s and immediately felt the withdrawal acutely. It felt like switching off the lights the moment their hands disconnected, like the electricity was shut off.

  “Hey, is everything okay?” Kit moved around so she was facing Thea. She looked concerned. “Did I say something wrong?”

  “God, no.” Thea put her hands over her face. Kit didn’t deserve the whiplash. Tell her the truth. “I freaked myself out. I’m sorry.”

  “Freaked out about what?” Kit gently pulled Thea’s hands away from her face.

  Don’t tell her the truth. Don’t tell her you want to pin her against a wall and kiss her until you both need oxygen.

  “Is it me? My past?” She looked incredibly sad and resigned.

  Thea grabbed her hand and intertwined their fingers. It felt like the power was restored to t
he entire block. She put her other hand on Kit’s cheek.

  “No. No, Kit. Not about you. It’s true you’re dissimilar to anyone I’ve ever dated or thought I could ever date. This might sound familiar, but before, people were unsurprising and felt safe. You aren’t predictable and I think I like that. But it’s making me react in ways I’m not used to. And that’s what scared me.”

  “The old ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ speech?” Kit said. Thea dropped her hands to her sides.

  This can’t be happening. Thea wasn’t sure what else to say to make Kit understand. She was gearing up to try again when she felt Kit’s hands on her face, then in her hair. Thea looked up. Kit moved closer so they were only inches apart. Thea thought she might combust.

  “I told you I’ll be reliable for you,” Kit said. “If you need me to change something, tell me.”

  Thea put her hands over Kit’s. “I don’t need you to change. It feels incongruous to everything I need in my life, but I like being a little off balance with you. You still make me feel like I’m safe.”

  Thea was rewarded with a lopsided grin. “Next time you start to lose your balance, keep holding my hand.” Kit tilted her head and leaned in…

  Kit kissed Thea on the cheek, slipped her hand back into Thea’s, and kissed the top of Thea’s hand.

  Damn it. Thea sighed internally, disappointed in the lost moment.

  They walked in silence for a few minutes before Kit broke it.

  “Tell me about these others you felt safe with but who didn’t excite you.”

  “How do you know they didn’t excite me?” Thea took a deep breath. She didn’t want the comment to be true. “And is this really what you want to talk about at the end of our first date?”

  “Because you said you never left your comfort zone.” Kit kicked an acorn. “Falling in love isn’t in the comfort zone, but it is full of excitement. And yes, because I want to know about you. They’re not here now, so what do I have to worry about?”

  “If you cheat on me, the wrath of everyone I know. Otherwise, nothing at all.” Thea balled her free hand into a fist, then forced herself to relax.

  “Hold up. Someone cheated? On you?” Kit stopped walking and looked horrified. “What kind of moron does something like that?”

  “The ex-wife kind of idiot.” Thea looked at the ground and bit the inside of her cheek to keep from crying.

  Kit wasn’t quite fast enough at hiding her surprise when Thea mentioned Sylvia.

  “Does it really surprise you that much that someone would marry me?” Thea always felt vulnerable when she talked about the clusterfuck that was the end of her marriage. Or any part of her marriage, for that matter. She didn’t know how she ever got herself into that situation.

  “You mentioned your bachelorette party before. I’m generally familiar with what comes next.” Kit tilted her head and gave her a small smile. “What I don’t know is how someone who was lucky enough to marry you would be stupid enough to throw it all away. What was the marriage like for you?”

  Thea thought about Kit’s question, so plain and clear. Usually people asked questions about Sylvia. Thea’d asked herself over and over what she’d gotten from the marriage, or why she thought it was a good idea, since she’d walked in on Sylvia making a mockery of their wedding vows. The answer had always been elusive. Tonight, it was clear as a cloudless night.

  “In the beginning Sylvia said all the right things, did all the right things. I believed all of them. Maybe she did too. Things were safe. Beige. Right in my comfort zone. Sylvia began to need more color in her life and figuratively started coloring in bolder, wilder colors. Outside the lines too, but I didn’t know about that right away. It was paralyzing for me. Honestly, it was almost a relief to find her in bed with someone else.” It felt strange to admit it out loud for the first time.

  “No one should ever feel unsafe in their relationships.” Kit put her hands on Thea’s hips. “Physically or emotionally.”

  “To be fair, it wasn’t all Sylvia’s fault,” Thea said.

  “I’m going to be rude and interrupt you,” Kit said. “I forbid you from taking any blame for someone cheating on you. We’re moving on to other topics if you’re going to blame yourself for being cheated on.”

  Kit’s protectiveness made her smile. “Is that right? And what exactly would you like us to talk about?”

  The look on Kit’s face nearly made Thea faint. She didn’t need Kit to answer to know exactly what she was thinking. Kit pulled herself together a lot faster than Thea did. Thea didn’t mind. She wasn’t ready to begin thinking of taking a peek under all Kit’s sexy outer layers.

  But even if she wasn’t ready to do anything about it, it did feel awfully good to see desire in Kit’s eyes and know she was the cause. To keep everyone safe, she moved Kit’s hands from her hips. They resumed their walk, hand in hand.

  When they reached Thea’s house, she wasn’t ready for the evening to end, but she wasn’t ready to invite Kit in, either. Kit didn’t look like she was in a hurry to get home, but she was clearly leaving the next step up to Thea. Thea appreciated that. She took thirty seconds more to make up her mind.

  “Do you have to be home?” Thea asked.

  “No curfew tonight,” Kit said.

  Thea wasn’t sure if Kit was joking or if she usually had one. Maybe it was part of her recovery, or she had some legal entanglements?

  “Do you usually?”

  “Not unless Josh is feeling ornery and decides I need to be at work before the new day dawns. I guess that’s not really a curfew. Just a self-imposed deadline so I’m functional in the morning. It means I make sure I’m tucked in tight in time for a good night’s sleep.”

  Thea felt her emotion roil into something altogether unfamiliar. She couldn’t quite pin down the feeling. She needed more time to sort it out.

  “Have a seat, I’ll be right back with something to drink.”

  “A porch picnic? Sounds lovely.”

  On her way inside to get drinks and a small bite, Thea took a quick inventory. Her emotions were usually comfortably familiar and rarely strayed outside of those she knew like old friends. This one, on the other hand, was like an old book, long forgotten. She was pouring lemonade when she realized what it was. Jealousy. It had been years since she’d been jealous of anything or anyone.

  It wasn’t hard to figure out why she was jealous now. Kit had said she was out late at night, bumping up against her curfew. Thea was envious of whoever was lucky enough to be keeping Kit occupied well into the evening. She’d been foolish to think Kit’s eyes were only focused on her, and there was no reason to be upset she was dating other people. Suddenly the idea of extending their evening didn’t seem as appealing. But she’d promised a picnic, so she brought lemonade and snacks outside.

  Kit was leaning causally against the porch railing. Thea wondered if Kit had any idea how hot she was. Did she frequently cause car accidents just walking down the street? Thea would have trouble concentrating if Kit walked by.

  “I realized I may have given you the wrong impression just now,” Kit said.

  She helped with the lemonade and sat on the stoop, making a spot for Thea to settle into between her legs. Against her better judgment Thea sat down and leaned back into Kit. Her body felt incredible. Thea could feel the strong muscles and solid body of someone who had a physically demanding job. But Kit also had the softness and curves Thea could spend days exploring.

  That’s for another day. Get a hold of yourself.

  “Like I was saying, I don’t want you to think I’m out at all hours of the night with anyone else. The only date I’ve been on since I got clean is this one,” Kit said.

  “Then why do you need the curfew?”

  “My sleep isn’t always great. Sometimes I go walking to help with that. The curfew gets me back home at a reasonable time. It’s just another way to stay focused.”

  Thea was glad she was facing away from Kit. She was sure the relief was w
ritten all over her face and she didn’t want to seem possessive or insecure. It was crazy to feel like this after a few cups of coffee and a single night of baseball.

  “You live with your cousin, right? Tell me about him.” Thea wanted to know more about Kit outside of what she got from their interactions at the library.

  “Josh? He’s the greatest. Don’t get me wrong, we argue ninety percent of the time, but I’d know I’d done something unforgivable if he ever stopped giving me a hard time. At my lowest moments, he was always my connection to a different path. Since we were kids he’s always been my grounding wire.”

  “You grew up together?”

  “We were inseparable. About as close as siblings and we saw each other almost as much. My parents were never all that interested in the kid they had even before the drugs. But after? It was too much for them. Josh was the one who came to every family therapy session in rehab and treatment. He was the one who picked me up and drove me home no matter how many times I flunked out of this treatment or that until one finally stuck. Every time he’d say to me, ‘Kit, you’re not building a piano here. It doesn’t have to be perfect or look all that great. In the end it just has to get built.’ He never gave up on me.”

  “It’s clear how much you love him.” Thea wanted to meet the man who meant so much to Kit.

  “Oh, don’t go putting him on a pedestal just yet. He won’t share his gourmet ice cream with anyone. He’ll deny it, but the man loves romantic comedies. Josh, a box of tissues, and a chick flick is his perfect Saturday night. He’ll do actual harm if you so much as look sideways at his mother starter. And he has no sense of humor about there being a Kool-Aid packet in the shower head.”

  “That did really knock him off his pedestal. What color Kool-Aid? I have no idea what a mother starter is so that one’s probably safe.”

  “Blue. He looked like a Smurf. An angry, naked Smurf. The mother starter’s a bread thing. He bakes every weekend. It’s some kind of sacred bread holy grail. I nod and smile when he really gets going. I’ll listen and nod if I get to keep eating the bread he pulls out of the oven.”