Serenity
Page 19
“You here to fight me, ace?”
“No, Ethel. I’d like to help, if you’ll let me.” Kit dropped her hands to her sides. “A lot of us here would.”
Thea was finally able to stand. She moved to the bathroom doorway as she watched Kit talk to Ethel. Kit had mentioned that name before, but Thea wasn’t sure how they knew one another.
Now that Ethel was revived and the immediate danger had passed, Thea wanted to slide down the wall and cry. But she couldn’t because she was still at work and there were people all around. People who had witnessed her reversing an overdose and needed her. Before she could focus on that she had to gather her scattered thoughts. Thea couldn’t believe Kit had just taken a punch for her.
She had no idea how to mitigate what had happened or what was continuing to play out. She wasn’t sure she could even if she knew what to do. Ethel took another swing at Kit, which brought Thea back to the moment. Kit dodged but kept her hands at her sides. She clearly wasn’t going to defend herself.
“Fuck you,” Ethel said. “You think you can help me? You, the one who’s constantly running? The one who’s so embarrassed by all of us you can’t bear to say anything in a meeting. Why do you keep coming, Kit? You clearly think you’re better than all of us. It can’t be for the coffee.”
Thea heard the paramedics arrive and Walter directed them in.
“Take care of yourself, Ethel,” Kit said, and she turned to leave. Ethel took one last swing and connected again with the side of Kit’s face but she never stopped walking. Blood dripped down Kit’s cheek from a cut above her eye and it was already starting to swell.
Thea reached for her as she passed. Kit looked at her, but Thea wasn’t sure she saw her. She looked haunted and far away.
Thea needed Kit. She needed Kit to take her home, to hold her and tell her she wouldn’t always feel like she did right now. Thea had hoped reviving someone from an overdose would make her feel good. Instead, she felt drained, tearful, and a little traumatized. Kids had seen this. Kids like she once was. She was thrown back to the day she walked in her front door as a child and heard the death rattle for the first time. It didn’t bring her much comfort that these kids had seen a happier outcome. Images of her father’s body growing still made her feel sick. Just as she hadn’t been protected then, she hadn’t protected the kids here. Kit looked like she needed comfort too. Thea wanted them to find shelter in each other.
“Kit.” Thea reached for her again. “Wait.”
“I have to go.” Kit pushed through the medical personnel and the lingering crowd and was gone. Thea could no longer contain the tears she’d been holding in. She considered it a victory that she managed to only let a few streaks run down her cheeks and she didn’t dissolve into full ugly cry.
Where’d she go? She’s bleeding.
“Come on.” Walter gently guided her toward the door. “Let’s get you out of here. You don’t need to be here any longer. I think you’ve served the community admirably this evening. Library’s just about shuttered for the evening anyway. I’m taking you home.”
“Kit just left, Walter. She just walked out.”
Thea was getting angry. She’d asked Kit never to walk out on her again and she just did. Thea needed her and Kit was nowhere to be seen.
So much for dependable and reliable.
Chapter Twenty-two
Thea would have preferred to be alone since the one person she wished to have around wasn’t, but it didn’t seem that was an option. Walter had insisted on staying, and as soon as the library closed Carrie came over too. Now Thea was making dinner for houseguests she didn’t want, trying to make sense of an afternoon that felt beyond logic.
She hadn’t expected to have such a reaction to reviving someone from an overdose. In hindsight it was laughable to think she wouldn’t struggle given her childhood experience, but she felt sure it would have been worse had she watched helplessly on the sidelines, just as she’d had to do as a child. That would have been even closer to home. At least she’d been able to take action, something she never felt capable of as a child. Knowing that wasn’t making the aftermath easy even if she’d somehow thought she’d feel like a superhero saving someone’s life. She figured she could add that to the pile of things throwing her for a loop about the whole situation. After all, she had chosen to carry naloxone. She’d chosen to be available and made it clear her staff should call her if ever she was needed. Hypotheticals were one thing. Being faced with a dying woman in her library had proven to be quite another.
It seemed she had also underestimated the impact of Kit. Being with Kit had personalized things in a way they hadn’t been before, which was saying something. But she really cared about Kit and Kit knew this woman. Thea was having trouble shaking the fear she’d felt when she thought it might be Kit she’d find lying on the floor of the bathroom. What would she have done? It wasn’t exactly out of the realm of possibility, and that made the bile rise in the back of her throat.
“I ordered us pizza and Walter’s going to get wine.” Carrie tentatively put her hand on Thea’s back.
“I’m cooking dinner, Carrie,” She didn’t mean to snap at Carrie.
“Sweetie, if you eat that, we’ll be trying to revive you. And frankly, I don’t have the balls you do, so please don’t make me try.”
Thea looked at the stove. She couldn’t remember what she’d been cooking, but it was a blackened mess now. It was a small miracle the smoke alarm wasn’t blaring, and her stove wasn’t on fire.
“No wine.” Thea wiped away a rebellious tear. “If Kit comes here tonight, I don’t want there to be alcohol.”
When the pizza arrived, Thea forced everyone out to her front porch. She felt claustrophobic inside. It was too much like the tiny bathroom earlier, but being out on the porch made her miss Kit.
“Why did Kit walk away?” Thea asked as she picked at her pizza.
“She’s probably the only one who could satisfactorily answer that query,” Walter said.
“I feel like she probably had a reason,” Carrie said. “I heard she got punched in the face. Maybe she had to deal with that?”
“Well, she’s not answering my texts, so I guess I’m stuck here with you two making up wild guesses.” Thea knew it wasn’t fair to take out her fear on her friends, but they were here and she couldn’t chase away the terror by shouting.
Thea could clearly see Ethel’s fist connecting with Kit’s face and the blood dripping down Kit’s cheek. Kit hadn’t tried to defend herself and Thea hadn’t pursued her to make sure she got medical help. The only one she protected was me. Still, she’d left without a word, and Thea couldn’t help but wonder if she was okay, if she needed to talk. If this could push her over the edge to using again. She let the tears fall and accepted the napkin Carrie passed over without a word.
After they finished eating, they sat in silence for a long while. Although Thea had been annoyed at their presence before, she was glad for her friends’ company now. They seemed to know what she needed, even if she didn’t.
“Well, thank all that’s holy tomorrow is Friday,” Carrie said. “I don’t think I could take a Monday staring me in the face. I don’t know about you two.”
“I would not relish a meeting with Monday, no,” Walter said. “Will you be in tomorrow, Thea?”
Thea thought about the question. It seemed ridiculous, but it was reasonable for him to ask. “Where else would I be?”
“My vote would be Tahiti.” Carrie didn’t hesitate. “But that’s just me.”
Thea had to admit a vacation did sound pretty amazing. But Tahiti only worked for her if Kit was there, strutting around in her birthday suit. And right now, that didn’t seem like it was in the cards. Thea would settle for knowing where Kit was and that she was safe.
“Maybe I’ll spend the day in world history. Or ordering new travel books.” Thea reviewed the schedule. Even for a Friday, it was light. She’d need to fill her time or spend the day struggling.
“Of course, Walter. The alternative is someone dies. I could never live with that. What I’d always thought was my worst-case scenario happened today. But someone dying in the library would be unimaginably worse.” She shuddered.
“As I thought. It looked like your Ms. Marsden knew the woman you revived today.”
“Oh shit,” Carrie said. “That must have been hard for her. Did she watch the whole thing?”
“She stepped in front of me and took a punch meant for me. And she does know her,” Thea said. “I’ve seen them together. I’d ask her about it, if she were here. I tried to talk to her after, but she said she had to go. I want to respect her space, if she needs it, but I really need her to get in touch and tell me she’s okay.”
“If she knows this woman, she may be hurting too,” Walter said gently.
Thea knew Kit was hurting. She’d been seeing Kit’s haunted look over and over all night. What she didn’t know was why Kit walked away from her and why she hadn’t heard from her. When she thought of herself coupled happily, she’d seen two people who bonded together when things were tough, not each of them running in opposite directions.
“I can’t force her to want my support or comfort.” Thea looked up at the stars, hoping if she kept her face up, the tears wouldn’t be able to fall. “But it hurts like hell that she doesn’t. Especially since hers is what I want. I asked her once to promise she wouldn’t walk out without talking to me about what she was thinking. But here we are. And I really need her right now. After it was over earlier, all I could see were the kids who saw the whole thing. I was that kid. I know they walked out of the library different children than they were when they walked in. I’m really struggling with that right now. There’s an entire rabbit hole of my childhood I’m trying not to fall down.”
“It’s only been a couple hours.” Carrie took her hand. “You don’t know how either of you will feel once you see each other again.”
“I know.” Thea pulled her knees up and wrapped her free hand around herself. “I’m not making any grand proclamations. But I told her how much I need someone I can depend on. I’ve never had that before. No one except you two. But never someone who was just mine.”
Walter looked thoughtful. That usually led to wisdom Thea wasn’t often dumb enough to dismiss out of hand.
“Ms. Marsden and I have our differences.” Walter smiled wryly. “But I greatly respect her sobriety and what it has taken to achieve it. My strong suspicion is that today may have tilted her axis on that front.”
How could it have not? Please, Kit, just let me know you’re okay. She got up and got her cell phone, just in case Kit tried to call. She set it on the pizza box and sat back down on the porch with her back to the sidewalk. “When you came to get me and I was running to the bathroom, I didn’t know who I was running toward. I was scared I would be too late, scared I would freeze, but the thing I was scared of more than anything was that I was going to find Kit overdosing. And I’ve struggled with that feeling ever since. Will that fear always be with me? I feel guilty that I even thought it. Kit and I talked about it, but today was the first time it felt like it wasn’t some hypothetical from an alternate reality. God, what would I have done if it were her? I can’t walk in on someone I love on the floor, dying, again.”
The words were barely out when she saw Carrie glance over her shoulder, close her eyes, and shake her head.
“So you’re okay with everyone else knowing I spent years shooting heroin, but you’re not really okay with it when it comes to yourself?”
Thea’s heart felt like it lodged in her throat. Her stomach knotted. She stood. Kit was halfway up her porch stairs. She looked terrible but was still the most gorgeous woman Thea had ever seen. Walter and Carrie got up and went into the house.
“You know your past doesn’t bother me.” Thea reached out, but Kit backed away.
“Kinda sounds like it does.” Kit’s shoulders were hunched like she was waiting for another blow. “And with good reason, Thea.”
It looked like Kit had tried to clean the blood from her face, but she hadn’t gotten all of it. Her hair looked like she’d been running her fingers through it for the past ten years, and her shirt was covered in something unidentifiable. When Thea got close she realized Kit smelled of alcohol.
“Where have you been? I’ve been really worried about you. Have you been drinking?” Thea tried hard to keep any accusatory tone from her voice. She was worried about Kit, not mad at her.
“A moron spilled a beer on my shirt.” Kit crossed her arms and took another step back. “I didn’t show up on your doorstep drunk, if that’s what you’re worried about.”
“No, Kit.” Thea followed her down the steps. “I’m worried about you. I’ve been worried about you since you walked away earlier. I’ve been worried, and scared, and sad. I know how much drug use can hurt everyone in its orbit and I know it’s hard to be there for someone, but today was really hard for me. I was scared your friend was going to die and it would have been my fault somehow. Now all I can hear is the death rattle the day my dad died. I never thought I’d hear that sound again. And I really wanted you to help me feel safe. Because you’re the one person who seems to be able to do that. And I was hoping you’d want me to be there for you, too. Except you weren’t here and I don’t know why.”
“I couldn’t be here.” Pain swept across Kit’s face. “I had some places to go and you couldn’t come with me.”
“Why not?”
Thea wasn’t sure she wanted the answer. All the crap from earlier faded away and was replaced by a new set of worst-case scenarios.
“Because I couldn’t look you in the eye if you were there. Leave it at that, Thea. Please.”
“No.” Thea stepped closer to Kit. She wanted to pull her into a crushing hug, but she hesitated. “I’m not willing to leave it there. I care about you, Kit. You took me to your tree, so I know you care about me too. Who was she? The woman today?”
Kit didn’t answer. She didn’t even look at Thea for a long time. When she did, she had the same haunted look she’d had after Ethel came up swinging.
“Stay here tonight. Stay with me,” Thea said. “I need you. It looks like you need someone too. Let me be that someone, please? I want to be that someone for you.”
Thea tentatively reach out and touched Kit’s cheek. Kit leaned into the touch and kissed Thea’s palm.
“You’re scared one day you’ll find me with a needle in my arm. You should be afraid of that. I don’t come with any guarantees. You deserve someone who does. I told you sometimes I’m scared my past will consume everything in its path. I won’t let you be consumed. You mean too much to me. I can’t stay. And from what I overheard, you’re not really sure you want me here either.”
“Please don’t do this, Kit. Don’t make the decisions for both of us and don’t tell me what I want.”
The problem was, Kit was right. Thea wasn’t sure what she wanted. She didn’t want Kit walking off to wherever she seemed determined to go, but it wasn’t easy to ignore the potential for instability Kit represented.
“I’m sorry.” Kit leaned in for a kiss.
Thea stopped her.
“Are you kissing and then leaving?”
Kit looked confused and nodded.
“Oh hell no.” Thea’s hands were trembling and her legs felt a little wobbly. “You do not get to kiss me good-bye after I’ve been begging you to stay. You don’t get to kiss me good-bye and walk away so that I can worry about you all night. If you’re going to make unilateral decisions about what’s good for me after I told you not to do that again and leave me freaking out about whether or not you’ve relapsed, you walk your ass out of here without any kiss from me. I’m not sanctioning any of this with a good-bye kiss.”
“You tell her, girl,” Carrie said quietly from the doorway.
Kit clearly wasn’t expecting Thea to argue with her. She looked surprised and maybe a little embarrassed. Thea was done asking her to stay. The day had brought up a lot of memories she would have preferred not to revisit, she was hurting, and feeling a little lost. She could admit Kit’s past, for the first time, was giving her a moment’s pause, but she wanted to spend tonight soothing each other’s hurts. Tomorrow they could problem solve, together. She’d laid her cards on the table. Kit had to make up her own mind. Either Thea was where she wanted to be or not.
“I’ve had a fantastically crappy day,” Thea said. “The thing I worried about the most happened in the library and the kids I so badly want to protect saw the whole thing. I need someone to lean on. Are you staying or not?”
“No.” Kit almost whispered it. It looked like the word was painful coming out of her mouth.
“Damn it, Kit. Don’t you dare do anything stupid. Do you understand me?”
Kit nodded. Thea couldn’t stand on the porch looking at her any longer. It hurt too much knowing Kit was going to leave and there was nothing she could do about it. If she was going to spend the rest of the evening worrying about what Kit was up to, she might as well get on with it.
Thea turned and walked back inside. She didn’t look back. She knew what was behind her. It felt like her heart was breaking. They hadn’t said this was the end of what they had, but how were they supposed to move on when Kit kept pushing her away when things got tough? Thea couldn’t live like that. She wanted to be with someone who ran toward her, not shoved her aside. She thought about where Kit might be going. What if she used and ended up like Ethel? Like Thea’s dad? What if no one was around to find her? Thea picked up the pace and headed for the bathroom. She thought she might be sick.
Chapter Twenty-three
Kit flopped into a chair at a grimy table in a dive bar she used to frequent. Shock made her numb. She hadn’t meant to leave things the way she had with Thea. She hadn’t really meant to do anything in particular when she went there. She just wanted to see her.