Serenity

by Jesse J. Thoma

  Thea was well within her rights to be mad at her, but not because Kit didn’t want her comfort. Kit craved it. But seeing Ethel overdosing had cracked the foundation she’d built her sobriety on and for a few hours it felt like it might all crumble down. She wasn’t proud of the fact that she’d run, but that was what she’d always done. Old habits were hard to break, and this time she’d just needed to get away from the situation. And in the moment when it felt like she was losing control, Thea was the only one she’d wanted to see.

  But when she got to Thea’s house, Thea was worrying about the possibility that Kit would be the next victim she’d need to revive on the bathroom floor of her library, and Kit couldn’t offer Thea any promises. That didn’t feel fair because there was no way to know if she could keep them. Walter and Carrie were better choices to help her navigate the trauma of the day, both past and present. Thea needed someone whose life hadn’t recently resembled the horror Thea was forced to relive earlier.

  At least, that’s what she told herself.

  Kit knew Thea would be mad at her. Thea had asked her not to make impulsive, unilateral decisions before, but this time felt different. Today everything felt different.

  Kit’s scotch arrived. She rolled the glass between her hands. She was desperate for the numbness the amber liquid could provide.

  Still need a little work on your coping skills, Marsden.

  Kit placed her phone on the table and turned it on for the first time since she left the library. It nearly vibrated itself off the table with texts, missed calls, and voice mail notifications. The only one she returned was from Frankie. She didn’t want Frankie doing anything stupid, like coming looking for her. She really hoped Frankie hadn’t been behind her watching Ethel being revived. She couldn’t remember if she was, her entire focus had been first on Ethel’s chest, searching for signs of life, and then on getting Thea out of harm’s way. She wasn’t in a state right now to help Frankie anyway. She’d let her down too.

  The last text was from Josh. Kit wasn’t looking forward to the conversation with him when he arrived.

  “Well, well. A Kilo in a bar isn’t something I thought I’d see again.”

  Kit spun around in her chair. The Zookeeper was in the doorway.

  “You look like shit, you know,” she said and pulled up a chair at Kit’s table.

  “That seat’s taken,” Kit said.

  “I can see that,” the Zookeeper said and pointed at the other chairs. “This one is reserved for self-pity, despondence over here, and I sat on moodiness. Are you just torturing that scotch, or do I really need to worry?”

  “Why would you worry about a former client returning to the fold?” She really wished the Zookeeper would leave her alone. She wasn’t feeling chatty.

  “I’m a human being, Kilo. I’m allowed to have complicated, messy, conflicting, contradictory feelings.”

  “Are there any other kind?” Kit stared into her drink.

  A new text notification showed up on Kit’s phone. It was from Thea. Kit’s heart ached.

  “Any of those fifteen unread texts the reason you’re sitting in a bar looking worse than something I usually scape off my shoe?”

  “It’s complicated.” Kit still didn’t look at the Zookeeper.

  “Of course it is.” The Zookeeper nudged Kit’s phone. “You planning on writing back?”

  “Nope.” Kit turned her phone over and shoved it away. “I don’t know what I’d say.”

  “Oh, for fuck’s sake. Start by telling her you’re not dead. Cause when she called me that’s what I sensed she was most worried about. Although if you keep up this shit, I just might throttle you, so you might want to warn her about that. Then tell her you’re sorry. When you’re done with all that, tell her I say hi.”

  “She called you? Why does she have your number?”

  Kit didn’t want company and she really didn’t want the Zookeeper involved in her personal life. And yet, it was good to have someone there to distract her from the whirlwind of negativity buffeting her.

  “After our chat it seemed wise to keep the lines of communication open. Thus, the exchanging of numbers one day when we crossed paths. And of course she called me. She’s worried about you and you turned off your damn phone and disappeared. Piece of advice, that’s not how to treat a lady.”

  “Look, I appreciate your checking on me.” Kit rolled her glass a little too aggressively and sloshed scotch over the edge and onto her hand. “But Thea doesn’t want to hear from me. She—”

  “Kilo, was that bullshit tasty coming out of your mouth?” The Zookeeper had fire in her eyes. “If you can’t figure out why she’d want to know you’re safe then I’ll tell her myself you aren’t worth the effort. But both of us seem to think you are. Maybe it’s time you did too.”

  “Zoo, I’ve had a shitty day.” Kit’s shoulders slumped. The weight of everything hit her hard. “Can you give me this pep talk another time? Or maybe not at all?”

  Her eyes softened and she covered Kit’s hand with her own.

  “I know what kind of day you’ve had. I’m sorry about Ethel. But my pep talk’s true any day, even the shitty ones. I told you once not to fuck it up with Thea. So unfuck it. It’s obvious you two are crazy about each other. That’s not easy to find. I’ll let her know you’re okay for now, but you have to do the rest. Ethel’s problems aren’t yours. Don’t make them.”

  The Zookeeper got up and hooked her thumb over her shoulder. Kit looked where she was pointing. Josh was standing by the bar waiting for them to finish and made his way over as the Zookeeper walked gracefully out of the bar.

  Fuuuuuuck. This is going to be fun. Josh sat down and neatly folded his hands. He looked at Kit and waited.

  “How twisted are your panties?” Kit asked.

  “My balls are blue there’s so much torque.” Josh leaned forward and did his uncomfortable, intense eye contact thing. “You want to tell me what’s going on?”

  “Why do you assume something’s going on?” Kit wanted to face-palm, but the fuse was already lit. All she could do now was fasten her seat belt and wait for Josh to explode.

  “Are you shitting me right now? You’re pulling that sitting across from me in a bar? With your face covered in blood and a drink in your hands? After Thea called me in a panic because you were some combination of complete asshole and sad puppy before you stomped off into the night? And just to add a cherry on top of this fucking crap sundae, look me in the eye and tell me that wasn’t your drug dealer you were talking to.”

  Kit wasn’t quite sure what to say. She expected Josh to be worried, maybe even mad, but this level of anger caught her off guard. “She was, in the past. But that’s not what we were talking about. She was yelling at me too, weirdly.”

  “I’m not trying to yell at you, Kit. I’m scared out of my mind here. Thea called me and told me what happened today and I couldn’t find you. Even at your worst, I could always find you.”

  Kit felt the familiar wave of guilt settle over her. It was like an old friend she couldn’t seem to let go of. “How did Thea get your number? How did you find me?”

  “Thea got it from Frankie, I think. And I’m glad she did, or I’d have no clue what was going on. I found you when you turned your phone on.” Josh picked up her phone and slid it across the table to her. It landed in her lap. “And then I could see you were in a bar by using that stalker app we put on last year.”

  “Gave you the warm fuzzies, right?”

  Kit wanted to lighten the mood. She’d been so blinded by her pain earlier she hadn’t given much thought to how her actions would impact anyone around her. She’d clearly made quite a mess of things. She was good at thinking about herself first. Not as good at thinking of others, it seemed. Thea was better off without her.

  “What’s going on? You don’t have to shut out the people who love you.”

  Josh was still leaning forward forcing eye contact she didn’t want. She felt like he could see into her sou
l.

  “I’ve never shut you out.” Kit took a long time to dig her phone out of her lap and reestablish eye contact.

  “You don’t have to shut Thea out either. No, I take that back. Don’t shut Thea out.”

  “She deserves better than me, Josh.” Kit threw up her hands. “Look what happened today when I got scared.”

  “I love you, Kit, but you are a fucking idiot.”

  Kit felt anger flare. It felt better than sadness or guilt. “Why does everyone keep telling me that?”

  “If it’s reached a quorum, maybe you should admit you’re outvoted and listen to us,” Josh said.

  Kit resumed rolling her scotch glass between her hands. She thought about what the Zookeeper had said. At least everyone in her life seemed to be consistently on message. Maybe they sent around talking points.

  “Ethel overdosed today, Josh. I knew she was struggling with something and I didn’t push. I didn’t ask what was going on. Maybe I could have done something to help her. I should have tried.”

  Josh looked as sad as Kit felt. She felt tears welling. She’d held the emotions at bay all day, but now, with Josh, they were starting to leak out. She’d felt like this, raw and exposed, when she’d arrived at Thea’s too, but then it all went to hell.

  “I’m really sorry, Kit. She gonna be okay?”

  Kit nodded. She thought about Ethel’s reaction to being revived and wondered where she was now. Kit didn’t stick around to see if she went with the paramedics or not. Ethel could have gone right back out and gotten more drugs. Jesus. Why hadn’t she stayed to check? Some friend.

  “Hey, wherever you just went, it’s not your responsibility to solve Ethel’s problems.”

  “She saved my life, Josh. Don’t I owe her something for that?”

  “No, because you saved your own life. She helped you find the way and you can be grateful, but you did the work. If you want to reach out to her now, fine, but you did the work. I was there, I saw it. She’s got to reach out to her support system now if she needs it. This is not on you.”

  Kit looked at the scotch and the bar. Suddenly, she wanted to be anywhere but where they were. She threw some money on the table, got up, and headed for the door. Josh followed. Kit didn’t have a destination in mind, she just needed to walk.

  “You could have warned me we were going for a jog,” Josh said. “I would’ve peed.”

  “There’s a tree right there.” Kit picked up the pace. “But no one’s making you follow me.”

  “Keep talking.” Josh jogged next to her. “I believe we’d just gotten to the part about all the good work you did in your recovery.”

  Kit stopped short and turned on Josh. “Ethel did that work too, Josh. She did all the work I did. She goes to all the meetings I go to. She taught me everything I know. Everything. And she knows a hell of a lot more than I do. She’s been sober for years. And this morning I watched Thea shoot naloxone up her nose and prayed the death rattle wasn’t prophetic. She started using again. What hope is there for me?”

  “Is that what this’s about? No one can predict the future, Kit.”

  “Exactly, but I can face reality. You said it yourself, I should accept my past. I wasn’t before, but now I am. I’m a heroin addict. I am now, I always will be. Doesn’t matter if I’m clean or not. That’s who I am. And Thea deserves better than that. She shouldn’t have my drug use hanging over her head constantly. She shouldn’t have to wonder if that’s what she’s going to have to face one day. And I know she worries about it because I heard her talking to her friends when I went over there tonight. Her dad OD’d when she was a kid. She shouldn’t have to worry her partner will too.”

  “So what, you’re just going to get it over with? You believe you’re going to use again, so there’s no use in getting close to someone? Screw the people who care about you? Screw the work you’ve done and the life you’ve built for yourself? And screw letting a woman who cares about you use her own damn free will to make her own decisions?” Josh jabbed her in the chest.

  Kit was confused. Why wasn’t Josh understanding her?

  “That’s not what I’m saying. I’m not going to use again. Not today, at least. But I am who I am.”

  “Jesus, you certainly are. You’re a stubborn, black-and-white thinker who drives me crazy sometimes. You don’t have to be one thing or the other, Kit. You don’t have to choose one at the expense of the other. You can be both and they can live together, peacefully. That’s what I’ve been trying to get through that thick skull of yours. You’ve swung your pendulum too far the other way. How about a little middle ground, for all our sakes?”

  Kit flopped down on a bench. She scrubbed at her face hoping she could keep the tears at bay. When she reached her swollen cheek she was reminded of Ethel’s physical reaction at being revived. She gently probed the area.

  “What happened to your face?” Josh tried to get a better look. Kit shooed him away.

  “Ethel wasn’t all that grateful Thea saved her life. The naloxone threw her into an aggressive withdrawal.” Kit resumed gently probing her cheek. “It’s not a very pleasant experience.”

  “Ever happen to you?”

  Josh asked it quietly and Kit knew it probably hurt for him to voice the question. She shook her head. But she’d seen it work enough to know. And a few times when it didn’t.

  “How do I do that?” Kit turned to Josh and didn’t shy away from eye contact this time. “How do I be both? How do I not let the fear of what could happen overwhelm me?”

  Josh shrugged. “No idea. But I’m here to help. I’m willing to bet there are a lot of people in your meetings who have had the same struggle. And Thea’s a pretty damn smart woman who, for some reason, seems to put up with you. Stop pushing her way. I’d argue you should have had this conversation with her, instead of doing whatever it was you did that had her calling me scared out of her mind.”

  Kit didn’t even need to close her eyes to see Thea’s face as she’d realized Kit was leaving after she begged her to stay.

  What did I do?

  “I screwed that up pretty bad, Josh. I did the thing she asked me to never do to her again. I really wanted to protect her. I’m still not convinced it was wrong, even though my heart really fucking hurts.”

  “Usually people don’t need protection from those they love, Kit. She doesn’t need protection from you. She needs you to be there for her like anyone else in a relationship. Everyone comes with baggage, babe. Yours is different from mine, but we all have it. You just have to be willing to set it down every once in a while.”

  Kit started to protest.

  “Nope. I know the concept of one day at a time is important. Apply that liberally. Give her the benefit of the doubt. And for God’s sake, let the woman make her own decisions.”

  The tears fell freely now. Josh wrapped his arms around Kit’s shoulders and let her cry. She appreciated his solid strength and comfort. If only she’d realized earlier she wanted a different shoulder to cry on.

  Chapter Twenty-four

  Thea didn’t feel like going to work for the first time in her life. She truly couldn’t remember a time when she considered calling in sick just because she didn’t feel like going. Today she thought about it but wasn’t sure she would go the next day either if she let herself off the hook today. Not only did her library not feel as much like the sanctuary it once had since she’d had to revive Ethel, the joy of seeing Kit was also gone. What remained were reminders of her tucked into the stacks, waiting to be found like an unwelcome jab to the heart.

  Then there was the matter of the letter. Kit had slipped it into her mail slot the day before, but she’d not yet worked up the courage to read it.

  She paced the living room, letter in hand, staring at the blank, neat, structured space. Previously, Thea would have described this room as a perfect example of what she needed in life—calm, predictable, orderly. Now when she looked around her home looked sterile and gloomy. She acutely felt the lack
of color. It was alarming and invigorating. She knew what, or more accurately, who, sparked the change.

  She flopped onto the couch and ripped open Kit’s letter.

  Thea,

  First, if you don’t read any further, please know I wasn’t running from you the night Ethel overdosed. I was running from myself. You were all I wanted. You’re all I ever want. But I owe you more than someone who runs blindly through the world. I should have been there for you and I wasn’t, and for that I’m sorry.

  What I want right now is to figure out how to be the person you deserve and believe I can be. I think the other night proved I’m still a work in progress. You should get the best of me. I’m not giving up on us. Please don’t give up on me. I need a little time to, as Walter said, “get my shit together” so I can be the stable, reliable person you need.

  I’m sorry.

  Kit

  Thea read the letter again. And again. She wanted to forgive her, tell her there was nothing to keep them apart, and fall back into her arms, but she couldn’t, not yet. She’d asked Kit not to walk out on her again, and she had. She’d needed Kit and she wasn’t there. And now her entire prior, beautifully ordered, predictable life looked bland and boring and Kit was the reason. But her childhood had been anything but bland and she knew her experiences left a deep, lasting mark. It was impossible to repair something that was shattered so thoroughly that key pieces were still missing.

  The ironic part was Kit felt like some of those missing pieces, if Thea could trust Kit wouldn’t bring everything else crashing down around her, again. How could Thea trust something neither of them could guarantee? The reality of what it would mean if Kit relapsed was more vivid today than it had been a week ago and that was hard to set aside as inconsequential to their relationship. If she was going to be all in, she needed time too, because it wasn’t fair to Kit if she bailed after six months. Knowing that and actually moving through her life without Kit were at odds, however, and her chest ached knowing she didn’t need to rush through her days because her evenings wouldn’t include Kit.