Serenity

by Jesse J. Thoma

  When she arrived at the library Walter greeted her. He didn’t give her a pitying look like some of the other staff did.

  “You ready for today?” Walter looked like he wanted to hug her, but he didn’t.

  Thea nodded. After she’d administered the naloxone there were discussions of whether other staff should be trained to administer it as well. She’d also raised the issue of the women under the Zookeeper’s care and how best to serve them. The staff had been energized, brainstorming ideas and coming up with plans to serve this segment of the community. Thea was proud of them and motivated by their enthusiasm.

  “Let’s get the gang together,” Thea said.

  She and Walter opened the community room, which was the best space for a full staff meeting. It was a day the library didn’t open until the afternoon, but everyone had agreed to come in early.

  “How are your spirits?” Walter turned his full attention her way. It felt like an invitation.

  Thea busied herself moving chairs and tidying. “I don’t even know where to begin answering that.”

  “Why don’t you begin by telling me about what is causing you to move through the day like it pains you?”

  Thea sighed and paused her busy work. “I miss her, Walter. I wasn’t prepared to miss her this much. She wrote me a letter saying she needs time. I think I do too, but why does it hurt so much if it’s what we both need?”

  “I am confident that your story with Ms. Marsden has not yet seen its final chapter,” Walter said.

  Thea wanted to believe that. Desperately. But right now, it was hard to see happily ever after through all the hurt. “How are you so confident?”

  “Because I still firmly believe that your Ms. Marsden will get her shit together.”

  Thea was stunned into silence for a few beats.

  “Excuse my salty language.” Walter’s face was a delightful shade of pink.

  “No apology needed. That gave me more joy than anything lately, by far. Kit said you used that language in her letter to me, but I thought she was employing creative license to make a point. How are you so confident she’ll get her shit together?”

  “Because I believe she wants to. And she’s trying. And mostly, I believe she’ll do whatever it takes to get back to you.” Walter examined her closely. “Is that what you are desirous of? Her return to you?”

  If she wants me so badly, why does she keep waltzing out the door? “Yes. But it was easier to ignore the implications of her past drug use before her friend was dying in that bathroom.” Thea gestured over her shoulder. “She’ll never be able to prove to me she won’t use again. It’s not possible. I guess I have to make sure I’m okay with the uncertainty. That’s not something I’m good with, especially not uncertainty that hits so close to home. I want my life so predictable and ordered precisely because of the hurricane drug use created for me as a kid. But my biggest problem is her impulsively running and making decisions for me every time something unpleasant happens.”

  Walter looked pensive and Thea waited him out. He couldn’t be rushed even if a train was coming and he was thinking deep thoughts on the tracks.

  “I imagine it’s easy to swing wildly when you haven’t yet found your anchor point,” Walter said.

  “And if she never does?”

  “I guess you have to decide if you love her enough to accept her as she is or you have to live without her. I will support you no matter your decision in this matter. It is okay to take a leap of faith, or to step back and protect a heart which has seen too much trauma in a life so young.”

  Thea didn’t give Walter a choice about embracing her this time. She needed the comfort of a good friend. The respite was short-lived. The rest of the staff bustled in, full of energy she didn’t feel and happiness she wanted to forbid. Walter started the meeting, but it quickly dissolved into barely controlled chaos as almost all staff meetings did. Thea hated the frenetic energy, but today she was willing to embrace it for a good cause.

  Before Thea had to stand on a table or set off the fire alarm, Carrie stood up and whistled loudly. Everyone quieted.

  “All right, folks, contents of your pockets on the table in front of you.” Carrie slapped her hand on the desk. “Don’t be shy.”

  Everyone complied. Thea never knew how Carrie was able to get people to do the weird things she asked of them without any explanation.

  Carrie went around the room inspecting pocket treasure.

  “Winner.” She held up a Captain America action figure. “Only the good captain here is allowed to talk. We’ll pass him like a hot potato, but raise your hand if you want a turn with his fine ass. Since I’ve got him now—Thea, we already voted, we want the naloxone training.”

  Thea looked around the room. To a person, there were nods of agreement. She felt a little choked up.

  “Are you all sure? I don’t want you to make this decision lightly. I also want to make it clear, just because you go through the training, you aren’t required to carry naloxone, or administer it. It is completely voluntary. There will be no judgment from me or anyone else if you choose not to participate.”

  “We know, Thea. We’re in.”

  “Okay. Thank you. Now let’s talk about a few other things.”

  They spent the rest of the time hashing out some rough plans to better serve the larger community around the library. Thea was nervous that the new initiatives might not be well received. She should have trusted her staff. Not only were they on board, but eager for the new changes. Many of them expressed the desire to do more for the clients they served, be it kids, teens, or adults since addiction impacted so many in their community, either directly or secondarily.

  After the meeting adjourned Carrie lingered.

  “Have you also prepared a speech?” Thea wasn’t sure she could take another pep talk.

  “Speeches are more Walter’s thing.” Carrie hopped up on the conference table and crossed her legs dramatically. “I’m more of a gossip.”

  “Barking up the wrong tree then. I’ve got nothing interesting to share.”

  “Oh, my love, you are the intrigue. But don’t worry, I collect, I don’t share.”

  “I still don’t have anything interesting.” Thea turned to leave. She really wished people would stop poking her wounds.

  “Fine. How about I ask you questions, and you can answer them?” Carrie jumped down and followed her.

  “How about we talk about the meeting we just had, or we go to work?” Thea tried to pull open the door, but Carrie zipped in front of her and blocked her exit.

  “Nah, that doesn’t sound like fun at all. Have you heard from Kit?”

  “No, not exactly. Sort of. What did you think of the proposal to limit time in the bathrooms?” Thea tried again to reach the door handle, but Carrie swatted her away.

  “Bathroom plan made sense to me. How do you sort of hear from someone? Do you want to hear from her? Do you want her back?”

  “I don’t know. She wrote me a letter. Walter told her to get her shit together and so she’s doing that. I get to decide if she’s worth the wait. Do you think it’s feasible to set up some of the other community services we talked about?”

  “Sure, why not? If anyone can do it, it’s you.” Carrie pushed away from the door and lifted Thea’s chin so they were eye to eye. “I’ll circle back to Walter’s role in all of this later. Do you want it to work with her?”

  Thea didn’t answer right away. She felt like the right answer was probably no. That seemed like the safe answer. The answer she would have given in the abstract before she met Kit. But things were different now, even if her rational brain had been putting up quite a fight since Ethel’s overdose. She thought about what Walter said about living with Kit as is or living without her. The tug on her heart was her answer. “Yes. I do.”

  “What would it take? To win you back?”

  “I’ll have to give some of the services we talked about some thought. I think there’s a way we can put them in
place without disrupting normal operations. And they would benefit more than just the Zookeeper’s women.”

  “You didn’t answer my question,” Carrie said. “Are we talking showing up naked in nothing but her tool belt or sonnets from the rooftops?”

  “You are really hung up on that tool belt.” Thea ducked around Carrie and held the door for her. Thinking of Kit naked wasn’t what Thea needed right now. It was a lot harder to remember why they wouldn’t work when she thought about how perfectly they fit together.

  “Can you think of anything sexier?”

  “Yes,” Thea said quietly.

  “Wait, you didn’t?” Carrie stopped halfway out the door. “No? You did? And you didn’t tell me? You know this means I have so many more questions.”

  “No, you don’t. You’re done.” Thea pointed Carrie down the hall. “You’ve been extremely helpful. I’m going to work. And so are you.”

  “Sarcasm, I detect sarcasm. I’m immune, of course. It’s my superpower, but I can still detect it.”

  Thea waved to Carrie and retreated to her office. She sat down heavily in her chair and pulled out her phone. Her lock screen was a picture Kit had taken of her in the giant oak.

  Despite everything that had happened since, thinking about that day still made Thea’s heart race and not just because of the sex. It had felt like she and Kit had created a world just for themselves and they were the only ones who would ever inhabit it. She wished they were still there.

  Thea opened her phone and pulled up another picture from that day. This one was of Kit. She was leaning against the tree trunk looking at Thea. Her hair was rumpled and she had a half smile. At the time, Thea had been ecstatic to have captured Kit at her suave sexiest. When she looked at it now, it felt like her heart broke all over again.

  She ran her finger over Kit’s face in the picture and let the tears fall. She didn’t answer Carrie’s question because she didn’t know what it would take to get her back. She didn’t know how to answer that question. She didn’t know how to build a solid foundation on something that felt like quicksand. Kit could provide some of the answers, but she needed to find the others herself. Or maybe she needed Kit to help her, to be the anchor Walter had mentioned Kit was also searching for.

  Damn you, Kit. Give me something I can grab on to. Get your ass back here with something we can both use to help rebuild my broken heart.

  Chapter Twenty-five

  Kit tried telling herself this was just like any other time she’d dropped by unannounced, but it sure as hell felt different.

  Everything is different this time, champ. Put on your big boy underwear and knock already.

  She knocked and waited. No one answered so she knocked again. She was about to pound on the door when it opened.

  “What do you want, ace?” Ethel didn’t look happy to see her.

  “I don’t want anything.” Kit held her hands out to the side as a show of peace. “I’m here for you.”

  Ethel’s jaw bunched and she held the door tightly. “I punched you in the face. What makes you think I want your help?”

  “You punched me twice, but who’s counting. And let’s skip the grumpy teenager. I think we’ve both earned more than that from each other, don’t you?”

  “Tough love? You know that crap doesn’t work.” Ethel opened the door a bit wider.

  “Ethel, you’ve given me more than I can repay. You helped me find my way to sobriety and gave me the tools to maintain it. I’m not playing games with you.”

  Ethel waved Kit in. They sat on the couch and Ethel pulled out an e-cigarette.

  “I gave up cigarettes twenty years ago, but fuck if the cravings for every vice I’ve ever had aren’t strong as shit now. Why are you here, Kit?”

  “I told you.” Kit shrugged. “I’m here for you.”

  “But why? I said some horrible things to you—unfortunately, I remember it—and I took a couple swings at you. So again, why are you here?”

  “Ethel, no one should be judged on their worst mistakes. I’ve made plenty since Thea revived you. But I’m trying to be better. I used to think I had to shove my past away never to be seen again. Turns out that didn’t work. Blew up rather spectacularly, actually. You kept trying to warn me, so no need to say you told me so. After you overdosed, I sort of swung the other way. I’m trying to find some middle ground.”

  “You look me in the eye right now, skip. Did you use again?” Ethel was rivaling Josh for uncomfortable eye contact.

  “No, ma’am.” Kit squirmed but she didn’t look away.

  “All right then. Let’s talk about middle ground,” Ethel said.

  “That’s not what’s important right now.” Kit shook her head. “I’m here for you, not for me.”

  Ethel put her hands over Kit’s. “That’s not your job, kiddo. You know about Star Recovery, right?”

  Kit nodded. The time she’d spent working with them could have been life altering if she’d had the balls to stick around.

  “Well, I reached out to them a couple of days ago. I’m going to start working with one of their peer recovery coaches. I’m going to get a handle on this again, Kit. My path isn’t one you’re guaranteed to walk. And if you do slip, you have as many supports as I do to find your way back.”

  “I know that now. I’m not a one trial learner.” Kit ran her fingers through her hair and let out a deep breath. “And I know service and accepting my place in the recovery community is part of my sobriety, not a hindrance to it. I’m sorry it took me so long to realize that.”

  “There’s no timeframe for any of this,” Ethel said. “Can you do me a favor? Can you tell that lady you’re keeping company with thank you for saving my life? I know I was a real asshole about the whole thing. I’m sorry I hit you, Kit. And I’m really sorry for the things I said to you. They were unforgivable.”

  “Thea and I aren’t really keeping company right now. But I’ll let her know if I see her.”

  “What did you do?” Ethel looked disappointed.

  “Why does everyone assume it’s me who screwed up?”

  Ethel gave her an “oh, please” look.

  “Okay, it was totally me.” Kit looked up at the ceiling, hoping there were answers to be found on the blades of Ethel’s ceiling fan.

  “So win her back, tiger.” Ethel patted Kit’s knee.

  It sounds so easy when she says it. “I have to get my shit together first,” Kit said. “And then I have to convince her to trust me.”

  “Meet me tomorrow at Star Recovery.” Ethel used Kit to hoist herself off the couch.

  “Why?”

  Kit wasn’t sure she wanted to go back there after the way she’d run out the last time she was there.

  “Because it seems like we both have some shit we need to get together. Maybe we can help each other.”

  Kit left Ethel’s feeling better than she had since she dropped off the letter asking Thea not to give up on her, or them, while she worked out a few things. Kit had never had a broken heart, but some things you didn’t need flashing neon signs to recognize. It was killing her to stay away from Thea even an hour more, but she couldn’t go back to her until she knew she wouldn’t do the same thing the next time something spooked her. She needed to prove that she had things figured out. That she wasn’t scared of who she was. She had to try.

  * * *

  Luanne’s intense stare was discombobulating. Kit had been welcomed cordially, but Luanne hadn’t been nearly as open and warm as she had been on Kit’s last day of work. It probably had something to do with Kit’s panicked sprint for the door. Funny how all you left in the dust when you ran was pissed off people. It’s a wonder she had any friends left. “Luanne, I think I owe you an apology,” Kit said. “Zeke, too.”

  “I’m listening.” Luanne folded her hands on the table. “Knock my socks off.”

  Kit spoke honestly and plainly, knowing that was the only way. “I loved working here and I’m in awe of the work you do. But when I was wor
king in the office I was scared of being identified as a recovering drug user. Setting foot in this building scared me, even though I was so drawn to the work that you do. So, when Zeke started talking to me about being a peer mentor, I freaked out. It would seem I have a bit of a bad habit of running like hell when I freak out. So, I’m sorry for running like hell.”

  Kit waited anxiously for Luanne’s response. Running was much easier than waiting around to hear people out. And the stakes here were relatively low. The tough ones were still to come.

  “You aren’t the first one to get scared and scamper off, Kit,” Luanne said. “I understand the running. You back because you’re less scared?”

  “Oh, fuck no.” Kit laughed. “I’m still scared out of my mind. But I’m tired of running away from something. Maybe I’m ready to head toward something instead.”

  “That’s sort of my wheelhouse.” Luanne slapped her hand on the table. “I know you came in here to support a friend. Is there something else you had in mind when you walked back through my doors?”

  She’d only come because Ethel had asked her to, but now that it was out there, something occurred to her. “Actually, yes,” Kit swallowed and took the leap. “Do you think I could talk to Zeke?”

  Chapter Twenty-six

  In theory, Thea was reviewing orders for new books for the children’s library. In reality she was staring at her computer, not seeing a word on the screen. Her mind was flitting between the new plans for the library, some of which went into action this morning, and Kit. Always Kit.

  Kit had still been coming to meetings, which gave Thea comfort. It seemed like Kit looked for her when she walked through on the way to her meeting, but Thea no longer sat at the front desk waiting for her. It was too painful. Carrie kept her updated on Kit’s movements, as well as how hot she continued to look. Thea couldn’t decide if it was helpful or not. At least she knew she was attending meetings. Ethel was back too, which was a great relief.

  Thea thought about what Walter said. Would she be willing to accept Kit exactly as she was? Was it fair to Kit to say no? Was it fair to her to say yes? Wasn’t that part of loving someone? Accepting them for who they are? Accepting the things you cannot change?