Serenity

by Jesse J. Thoma

  Back up. Do I love her?

  “You are certainly looking contemplative,” Walter said. “I feel like I should bring in some thinking spirits for you to tuck into your bottom drawer for after-hours chats. It would liven up the mood.”

  He took up residence in the chair in front of Thea’s desk. He calmed the air in a way only Walter could.

  “Are you implying I’m morose? I certainly am contemplative and it’s all your fault,” Thea said.

  Walter cocked an eyebrow and rolled his hand, encouraging her to continue.

  “I was mulling over our conversation about Kit. I miss her, Walter. And I don’t just miss certain parts of her. I miss all of her, even the impulsive, wrong-headed bits, because that’s part of who she is.”

  “I sense a but.” Walter leaned forward, leaned his elbows on his knees, steepled his hands, and waited. He looked like Yoda.

  “But I’m still me.” Thea rocked side to side slightly in her chair. “Risk averse and careful with a whole messy history of my own to contend with. I feel like my heart is shattered and I want to blame it all on her for walking away, but it isn’t all her fault. That feels so much scarier. Trusting us both enough to take that leap of faith…How do I do that?

  “Thea, my dear, I do not believe I can provide the answers you need. I believe only you and Ms. Marsden have the answers you require.”

  Thea looked at Walter and stuck her tongue out. It felt childish and fun. She hadn’t done anything fun in quite a while. “A lot of help you are.”

  Walter smiled. “I am always available with a shoulder to cry on. But advanced notice is always appreciated. I’ll choose my outfit appropriately. It’s more difficult to get tear stains and nasal secretions out of some of my sweaters than others.”

  “I’ll keep that in mind.” She knew Walter was full of it. He’d let her snot all over any sweater he owned.

  “Did you come down here for something specific?”

  Walter nodded and pointed to the box in the corner of Thea’s office. There were shiny new naloxone kits ready for distribution. A member of the department of health had come by to train the entire staff earlier in the week.

  “The lockboxes have been installed in the common areas and we’re ready to disperse these,” Walter said.

  “What are we standing around here for?” Thea pushed away from her desk and stood.

  She grabbed a box and handed the other to Walter. Ethel’s overdose had one positive side effect. It had galvanized the staff into an overdose prevention super team. Thea was impressed at how eager her staff was to turn the library into a safe place for all. In their last staff meeting, one of the teen librarians had put it best. She said “we have to accept the community we have. There’s no point fighting the tide. Now we just have to figure out how to serve those who walk through our doors.”

  Thea and Walter walked around the library with the naloxone kits. They’d decided against only having them at the desks, although they stocked quite a few kits there so any staff member could get to them easily. They also put a few kits in the bathrooms, in lockboxes. All staff members had keys to the boxes and could access the kits easily if required. Thea didn’t want someone to have to run to a desk if they were already on the scene of an overdose.

  They put one, unlocked, in each bathroom as well. It was under the sink, but someone could easily find it if they looked. The plan was to keep an eye on if and how quickly they disappeared. They didn’t want to be a source of unlimited naloxone, but if someone needed it, it was better to get it where it was needed.

  “This is going to save lives, Walter.” Thea looked around the library, her library. For the first time in days it looked, once again, like the sanctuary it always had. “But I want everyone to know it’s voluntary. No one has to use these kits.”

  “You’ve made that clear.” Walter put his hand gently on her shoulder. “But having them throughout the library will make it easier for us to respond.”

  Thea thought about the first time she met Kit. She’d had naloxone in hand ready to revive her after Walter had shouted about a woman overdosing on the front steps. How many times had she asked people to inject a little farther away from the front door so kids wouldn’t walk by them on their way in after school? How many times had she asked clearly intoxicated folks to please go back out into the park if they couldn’t stay awake? The problem was larger than anything naloxone kits could solve. Thea sighed.

  “What about our other plans?”

  “In progress,” Walter said. “I took care of securing permission from the library higher-ups. They were rather eager to agree after your heroics. I know you were reticent, but a security guard is overdue. They will not restrict access, only ensure safety. I’ve begun interviewing for two new bathroom monitor positions. The process has drawn a colorful cast of characters. Two of our volunteers requested their duties be expanded to include collecting used syringes on our property and a reasonable perimeter in the park.”

  Thea was impressed. They had only begun talking about these changes a few weeks prior. Walter moved quickly.

  “Very good work, Walter. And what about the community outreach efforts we spoke about?”

  “I can’t take all the credit,” Walter said. “Everyone around here’s been quite motivated. You’ve provided an easy leadership to follow.”

  Thea felt the praise deeply. She coached herself not to cry. Now was not the place. But his support did, and had always, meant the world to her.

  He patted her shoulder again. “Our community outreach champion is right over there, why don’t you check in with her about our progress?”

  Thea saw Frankie sitting behind the desk huddled with one of the adult librarians. She couldn’t help but smile at Frankie’s furrowed brow and look of deep concentration. Whatever they were talking about was something new to Frankie, who always looked that intense when she was taking something in.

  Since the overdose, Frankie had asked to be involved in the new initiatives around the library. Thea was resistant at first. Frankie was still a kid, even if she was about to start her senior year of high school. But she’d quite clearly taken issue with that argument and pointed out that what had happened to Ethel was normal for the kids in the neighborhood. Seeing drug use and used syringes was common. She wanted to be part of helping her community and reminding everyone, especially the kids, that this wasn’t normal and it didn’t have to define their lives. It was hard for Thea to deny her.

  “Hello, you two. What’s causing so much consternation over here?”

  “The schedule. I can’t make it work.” Frankie looked defeated and ready to throw the computer.

  “Why don’t you tell me what the trouble is and maybe I can help?” Thea moved around the desk and looked over Frankie’s shoulder.

  The other librarian looked grateful and happily gave up his seat.

  Frankie pointed at the computer screen.

  “See. The food pantry’s not a problem. It doesn’t need anyone monitoring it. The security guard is within sight and there’s a camera in that part of the library anyway, just to make sure no one takes off with all the food at once. But we wanted to have community health outreach workers here one night a week and social services organizations here another night. The new security guard is only working late these two nights.”

  Frankie jabbed at the screen.

  “And community health can only come this night. The government benefits group can only come this night. Women’s social services can only come these two. And Star Recovery here. How do we make it all line up?”

  Frankie flopped back in her chair with the dramatic flair only teenagers seemed able to manage.

  “You reached out to all these groups to get them on board?” Thea glanced at Frankie who was still staring intently at the computer.

  “A lot of them. I had help. Walter helped me with what to say and how to ask for what we were looking for. I had an in at Star Recovery, so that one was easy.”

 
“I’m really impressed.” Thea didn’t follow up on Frankie’s cryptic Star Recovery comment. Frankie could tell her if she wanted.

  “But look, it’s not going to mean anything if it doesn’t work on the schedule.” Frankie waved her hand wildly at the computer again.

  Thea pondered the computer screen for a few minutes. She’d been putting together the staff schedules for years. There was a solution to this problem. She saw it quickly but kept staring a little longer to consider all her options.

  “What if we moved everyone to Tuesday? They’re all available then. We can just have one night of community health. They all fall under that umbrella more or less.”

  “But the security guard doesn’t work late that night.”

  “They do now.” Thea snapped her fingers. “It probably makes sense for them to work late every night, actually.”

  “You can just do that?”

  “You can when you’re the boss,” Thea gave Frankie a wink.

  Now Frankie looked impressed.

  “Since everyone’s coming on the same night, we have a free night on the schedule. Carrie told me you had an idea for something that didn’t make it to the final round for implementation. Why don’t you tell me about it now?”

  Frankie turned bright red. Thea wasn’t sure if Frankie was going to bolt or melt into the floor, but she sure didn’t look like she wanted to share her idea.

  “Frankie, it’s me. I want to hear your idea. Carrie said it was a good one.”

  “She shouldn’t have said anything.” Frankie started shoving things in her backpack. “I thought…I mean, I was thinking maybe, it could be nice. Um. Family dinner.”

  Thea didn’t follow. She waited for Frankie to elaborate, but Frankie was still packing haphazardly.

  “What’s family dinner?”

  “Uh, you know. Where people get together and eat a meal together.”

  Thea was pretty sure she shoved the library stapler in her pack. “Frankie, I’m familiar with the definition,” Thea said gently. “What does it mean to you in this situation?”

  “I was thinking maybe the library could host family dinner,” Frankie said. “You know, for the neighborhood. There are a couple of soup kitchens around, but they’re really small and don’t have a lot of room. There’s more space here. If the weather’s nice, people could eat outside.”

  Thea felt like the proudest mama bear in the forest, even if she had no claim to Frankie as her own. How this sweet child had such a giving heart after all she’d experienced was beyond her, but it reinforced everything Thea wanted to accomplish at the library. Frankie was the embodiment of all Thea wanted the library to stand for and be in the community. Strength, hope, compassion, and assistance.

  “I’m going to make some calls. Frankie, family dinner is a wonderful idea.”

  Thea rounded the desk, and her first instinct was to find Kit, to share this with her. The fact that she couldn’t hit her like a sledgehammer to the chest. How could they fix this?

  Chapter Twenty-seven

  “You nervous?” Josh poked Kit.

  “What gave it away?” Kit swatted at his hand. She could provide water for an entire town with the sweat her palms were producing.

  “The pacing, the sweating, the food you threw away instead of eating, the talking really fast and then not talking at all…”

  “Aren’t you supposed to say ‘everything’s going to be fine, Kit, nothing to be nervous about’?”

  “We promised a long time ago not to lie to each other.” Josh shrugged. “And I have no fucking clue if this is going to be fine. You dug yourself a pretty deep hole. Time to find out how good your climbing skills are.”

  “You are probably the worst motivational speaker on the face of the planet. I should throw you down a deep hole.” Kit scrubbed at her face with her hands.

  “Promises, promises,” Josh said. “Are we leaving or what? We’re going to be late.”

  Kit panicked and looked at the clock. There was still plenty of time. She punched Josh hard on the shoulder as she walked by him and out the door. He should know better than to mess with her today of all days. She was nervous enough about talking to Thea without Josh adding extra stress. Hopefully, she’d left a bruise.

  Josh didn’t come in right away when they got to the library. He’d come in closer to the meeting time. Kit didn’t want an audience when she talked to Thea.

  She bounded up the library steps as always. When she walked in there was a security guard posted by the door. She looked like a brick wall that swallowed a bulldozer. But she smiled, and for all that solid mass of womanhood, she looked relaxed and friendly.

  Well, the library is safe from battering rams, tanks, antiaircraft missiles, and puny humans with her at the door. Hope that brick house isn’t throwing me out on my ass in a few minutes.

  Kit walked to the desk. Walter was there, her own personal bouncer. “Hi, Walter. Is Thea here?”

  “Ms. Marsden,” Walter said. “I’m not overly inclined…”

  “Walter, please.”

  Walter considered her for what felt like the entire life cycle of a star. “She’s in her office.”

  “Thank you, you beautiful man.”

  Kit leaned over the desk and kissed the top of his head.

  “Off you go then,” Walter said, looking flustered.

  Kit walked as quickly as was polite through the library and took the stairs two at a time down to Thea’s office. Now that she had something to say, she couldn’t wait to see her. Even if Thea threw her out, or had Tonya the Tank Engine upstairs do it, at least she would get to see her again.

  It didn’t matter that the exile was self-inflicted or necessary. It had been painful and lonely. And, Kit hoped, it was coming to an end.

  Kit skidded to a halt outside Thea’s door. She was sitting in front of the computer but didn’t look to be concentrating on anything. She looked tired and sad. Kit felt an intense pang of guilt. Don’t be so arrogant. She might not be sad about you, you ass. Kit took a deep breath for courage and knocked on the doorframe to announce her presence. Thea waved her in without looking up. Kit walked to Thea’s desk and stopped in front. Thea still didn’t look up immediately. She seemed not to register Kit had entered the room.

  Kit was about to say something when Thea looked up and whispered, “Sawdust.”

  “Excuse me?” It wasn’t exactly how she expected to be greeted.

  “You smell like sawdust.” Thea’s smile was gentle and her eyes looked far away. It only lasted a moment before her expression shuttered closed. “What do you want, Kit?”

  “You,” Kit said. “All I’ve ever wanted is you.”

  Thea stood up and looked like she was going to protest.

  “Before you say it, I know I’ve got a really fucked up way of showing it. You don’t have to tell me. I’m well aware. I’m not proud of how I’ve treated you. I’d be a rich woman if everyone who told me I was an idiot threw me a little money along with their wisdom.”

  “You’re not an idiot, Kit.”

  “Oh, but I am.” Kit didn’t know what to do with her hands, so she shoved them in her back pockets. “I ran away from the best thing in my life. You are the best thing in my life. And I may have ruined that for good because I was so scared of myself. You found all the parts of me that I was trying so hard to bury and never once did you turn away. Only I did that.”

  “Kit, I’m not innocent here,” Thea said. “Maybe I didn’t turn away, but I took a few steps back. You asked for time, but the truth is, I needed it too. I couldn’t in good faith come back to you if I was too scared to be fully yours. But that meant I wasn’t there for you and I’m sorry. I was hurting after Ethel overdosed and I wanted you to take care of me. I didn’t realize how much you needed me. I begged you to stay, but maybe I should have run after you sooner.”

  Kit shook her head. “You’ll have to trust me on this, running isn’t a very good way to deal with problems.”

  Thea smiled and
Kit’s heart felt like it started beating again for the first time in weeks. That smile did things to her. The best kind of things.

  “I’ve missed your smile.”

  “I’ve missed you.” She said it almost too quietly for Kit to hear.

  Kit reached for her, but Thea didn’t reach back. The desk still stood between them.

  “Where do we go from here?” Thea asked.

  “Will you come to my meeting today?” Kit reached for Thea’s hand, and this time she took it. “It’s an open meeting and I’d really like you to be there. Josh is coming and I asked Frankie to be there too.”

  Thea looked surprised by the seeming change of subject. Kit figured she had been looking for a little less concrete answer.

  “Please? I hope it will answer your question if you come. That’s why I came down here. To ask you to the meeting. But you looked so beautiful, I got a little ahead of myself. You do that to me.”

  “I’m already going to say yes.” Thea squeezed Kit’s hand. “No need to lay it on so thick.”

  The sparkle in her eyes let Kit know she was teasing, and hope fluttered in her heart like a newly born butterfly.

  She wouldn’t tease me like that if she didn’t still care, right? Although cats tease mice before they kill them. Kit led the way to the community room. There was a chipper looking young woman, probably just out of college, sitting on a stool outside the bathroom. She was wearing a library identification badge.

  “Bathroom monitor,” Thea said in Kit’s ear.

  Kit jumped. She liked Thea whispering in her ear as a general rule, but this time it caught her off guard.

  “Since when?”

  “Start of the week. There have been a few changes around here. You probably saw Daisy at the front door.”

  “That human armored vehicle is named Daisy?”

  Thea didn’t say anything, but Kit swore she thought it was funny too.