Serenity

by Jesse J. Thoma

  Inside the community room, Frankie was already seated. She waved them over. They took their seats and Josh joined them a few minutes later. Kit felt her heart rate ratchet up as the minutes ticked closer to the start of the meeting.

  When she didn’t think she could stand it any longer, something sharp poked her in the kidneys. Kit whipped around to confront her poker.

  “Isn’t this cute, ace. You brought the missus, junior, and your best man. Does that mean you’re going to actually get off your ass and say something? If you want them to stick around, don’t wait forever to tell them how you feel. You understand me, sport?” Ethel crossed her arms, her legs stretched out in front her.

  “You poked me in the back to tell me that?” Kit tried to glare, but she wasn’t sure it landed.

  “Nah, that was for fun. I threw the wisdom in for free.”

  “You know, you’re even more of a pain in the ass since you relapsed.”

  “Keep it down,” Ethel said. “Someone might hear you. What if there’s someone in here who didn’t see it for themselves? I have a reputation to tarnish. Meeting’s starting.”

  Kit turned in her seat and met Thea’s quizzical stare. She shrugged. Ethel was solid, straight-up, and her dark humor made the world make sense, sometimes.

  The familiarity of the start of the meeting soothed Kit’s nerves. The routine and repetition were a comfort. Once the start of the meeting was complete, the leader opened the floor to anyone who wanted to speak. Kit sucked in a deep breath. She rolled her one-year sobriety chip in her pocket, which she’d gotten almost a year ago and meant as much to her as almost any other possession. She stood.

  She’d never spoken a word at a meeting aside from greeting those who introduced themselves and when she was saying the serenity prayer. Her legs felt wobbly as she made her way to the front of the room. The day’s leader smiled at her warmly and patted her shoulder encouragingly. When she turned to face the group she was vaguely aware of the supportive faces of her NA brethren. The only face that came fully into focus was Thea’s.

  “Hello.” Kit shifted her weight from foot to foot and gripped the podium hard enough she thought she might break off a piece. “My name is Kit. I’m a heroin addict.”

  Kit composed herself as the group greeted her. She didn’t want to screw this up. The stakes were too high.

  “Since I got clean, I’ve run far and fast away from anything that labeled me as an addict. I was at war with myself since, you know, I used heroin for a long time. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t shove my past neatly in a box along with old pictures I was embarrassed about and stow it all under the bed or on the top shelf of a closet. I knew I’d have to pack it up and haul it around wherever I moved, but surely, it never needed to be revisited.”

  There were knowing smiles and a few chuckles around the room.

  “Most dangerously, I wasn’t willing to let myself live with my past. I came to meetings but didn’t speak. I worked on my sobriety but didn’t talk about why I needed to. I never mentioned or discussed the time before sobriety with anyone outside of a very select few. And if it came up, I was ill equipped to handle it. If I was faced with my time using or the threat of returning there, I did what I have always done. I ran to avoid facing it. One of my former drug dealers used to call me Kilo and I was convinced I was fast enough to leave Kilo in my past, but that proved impossible because I am her and she is me.”

  Kit stopped for a few beats. She scrubbed her face with her hands before continuing. She was in it now, but the hard part was about to begin. She saw Josh give her a little thumbs-up.

  “When I ran, I ended up hurting people, even when my intention was just the opposite. I hurt my sponsor, Ethel. I hurt my cousin, Josh. I hurt my new friend, Frankie. And I hurt the woman that I love, Thea. I’m sorry to all of you. Especially to Thea. All of them saw what I considered the ugly parts of me, the Kilo of it all, and in different ways showed me love and support while never judging me or making me feel shame. I was the only one who did that. And because of that, I hurt each of them, Thea more than any.”

  Kit could see tears in Thea’s eyes. She hoped that was a good thing. There was no taking back what she said. She didn’t want to. She was in love with Thea.

  “But all this running eventually led me to a place of understanding. What helped me get there was something we recite every week. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. I cannot change my drug use, but I can accept it. That’s the next step in my journey. I’m still very much a work in progress, but I hope to keep learning from everyone in this room. I thank you now for all you’ve already taught me and all I still have to learn.”

  Kit made her way back to her seat at ease. She had said what she wanted to say, and Thea had heard it.

  When she sat back down the nerves returned. She didn’t dare look at Thea for fear of what she’d see. Ethel poked her in the back again, but this time she ignored her. Frankie leaned over and patted her on the back. Josh bumped her shoulder with his. Thea was sitting ramrod straight next to her with her hands on her knees.

  I wish I had mind reading superpowers. She looked at Thea’s hands, pressed tightly to her legs. Or maybe I don’t. Kit wiped her own hands on her pants. The nervous sweat was back.

  After thirty seconds or two hundred years, Kit stole a glance at Thea. Tears were running down her cheeks, leaving little rivulets on her smooth skin before falling onto her collar.

  Kit couldn’t stand seeing Thea like that. She couldn’t stand seeing Thea so heartbroken. Especially since it was her fault. She didn’t know how to make it better. She reached out and gently put her hand over Thea’s. She didn’t do more than offer connection.

  Thea turned her hand over and entwined their fingers. She pulled their joined hands to her chest and held them to her heart before lowering them again to Kit’s lap. Kit squeezed Thea’s hand softly. She hoped she was conveying all she was feeling with that small gesture. Thea squeezed back.

  Everything happening in the meeting faded as Kit’s entire focus turned to Thea. She reached with her free hand and wiped the tears that still streaked her face. Thea laid her head on Kit’s shoulder. If they weren’t in the middle of a meeting and if Thea hadn’t just settled so comfortably on Kit, she might have jumped up and hollered triumphantly. Kit didn’t know what this meant for them long-term, but she was holding Thea’s hand, Thea’s head was on her shoulder, and for the first time in weeks, Kit’s heart felt at peace.

  Chapter Twenty-eight

  Thea held tightly to Kit’s hand as the meeting ended. She wasn’t sure she ever wanted to let go. She’d finally come to the conclusion that living without Kit was making her miserable and she wasn’t willing to let her parents and her shitty childhood steal the future she wanted. She wanted a life with Kit, whatever it looked like. And then today, Kit had walked in and given her even more.

  Kit didn’t let go of Thea’s hand as they left the community room. Frankie and Josh trailed behind. Kit looked unsure now that they were out of the meeting. Thea knew the next step was hers. Kit had laid her heart bare and Thea knew it was her turn to take a leap of faith. She let go of Kit’s hand to talk to Josh.

  “Josh, I’m trusting you can find your own way home?” It wasn’t subtle, but it was clear. Thea wasn’t about to let Kit leave.

  “I know the way,” Josh said.

  He had a cartoon grin on his face and Thea patted his cheek. The bond between the cousins was never more pronounced than right now, and she was glad she’d have time in the future to get to know him.

  Thea turned around and found Kit in an embrace with Frankie. She pulled away from the hug and said something to Frankie that Thea couldn’t hear. Frankie pulled her back for one more hug then threw her arm around Josh’s shoulders and walked away.

  “Josh and Frankie hit it off after she interviewed him for her project. She’s been hanging around learning a few things from him.” Kit watched them go.

  “How does tha
t kid have time for anything else?” Thea knew that, as Frankie had mentioned it a few times, but it was still nice to hear Kit’s take on it.

  “She’s remarkable.” Kit looked back at Thea and smiled. “Just like her mentor and personal hero.”

  Thea knew she was blushing. She looked away. In doing so she realized they were the only ones still outside the community room.

  “Looks like we’re the only ones left. Where to now?”

  “I’ll go wherever you lead,” Kit said.

  Thea was sure she meant more than their next physical destination. She was turning control over to Thea, and there was no question how special that was. “Walk with me.”

  Kit followed her as Thea stopped by her office to grab her things, then followed her out of the library. Thea high-fived Daisy on the way out. Kit tried to do the same, but Daisy rolled her eyes and motioned her out.

  Once they were out of the library, Kit took Thea’s bag. She really liked that Kit did that. It made her feel cared for. She slipped her hand back into Kit’s and let the words flow. “Thank you for inviting me to the meeting, Kit.”

  “I meant what I said.” Kit squeezed her hand. “All of it.”

  Thea could see the love in Kit’s eyes. She didn’t question Kit’s love for her. It was right in front of her.

  “I can see you still have questions. That’s okay. I know you don’t trust me. I probably wouldn’t either. Ask me whatever you need to know.” Kit gently squeezed Thea’s hand.

  “It’s not that, Kit.” Thea considered whether that was true. Maybe it was. “I want you to let me in, all the way in, so the next time you get scared, it’s not so easy to shut me out. I also need you to be patient with me. I’ve never had the most exciting, bright, bold thing in my life also be where I retreat when I need shelter from the world. It’s a lot to get used to for someone like me.”

  “I’ll do whatever you want.” Kit pulled Thea’s hand to her lips and kissed it. “I miss you so much. I miss us so much.”

  “Kit,” Thea said. “It’s what we need. I’m part of us, but so are you. It can’t always be about what I want, or what you want. And for God’s sake, you have to stop assuming you know what I need or want.”

  “I do have a bad habit of doing that, don’t I?”

  “The worst. And it keeps leading you out the door, which quite honestly is unacceptable, as much as I do enjoy looking at your ass.”

  Kit looked like Thea had just thrown her a lifeline. They walked, hand in hand, in comfortable silence. Thea had missed this. She’d missed so much about Kit, but just being comfortable and safe in the presence of someone else was a unique experience. Kit was her safe space and now it was back.

  Thea hadn’t realized she was leading them to her place until they arrived on her front steps.

  “One of the best nights of my life was sitting out here with you, after our first date, just talking,” Kit said, her smile soft.

  “Have a seat.” Thea pointed to the same spot they’d shared after the baseball game. “Maybe we can have a second first date.”

  Kit laughed and sat down. She opened her arms for Thea like she had the first time. Thea wanted to sit down and let Kit wrap her up tightly, but she was also hungry.

  “Snacks first, then snuggling.”

  “I feel like I should be offended at your order of priorities.” Kit was pouting.

  “Absolutely not.” Thea opened the front door and headed inside. “Everyone knows you need snuggle snacks.”

  Thea ran into the house and hurriedly grabbed some food and drinks. The night was tilting toward chilly, so she pulled a blanket off the back of the couch, too.

  When she got back out to the porch, Kit was resting her head back, eyes closed, one leg up casually. She looked at peace and sexy as hell. Thea considered dropping the snacks and dragging Kit inside by her belt buckle. But she wanted to talk. They needed to talk. There would be time for belt buckles later.

  “You are so incredibly beautiful. How are you more beautiful every time I see you?”

  Thea knew she was blushing. “You’ve got your eyes closed, what do you know?”

  “I watched you walk out, and now I’m saving the image to memory. You have to close your eyes for that.”

  “Sweet talker. That might have just earned you a pretzel stick.”

  “What else you got? I can keep going.” Kit patted the space in front of her.

  Thea settled into Kit’s arms and leaned back against her chest, and Kit wrapped her arms around her and held her close. Thea took a deep breath, inhaling the unique scent that was all Kit. The sweet combination of sawdust and sunshine.

  “Why did you wait so long to come back to me?” Thea needed to know.

  “I was trying to only give you half of me,” Kit said. “That wasn’t going to work for either of us.”

  “But I saw all of you. And I loved all of you,” Thea said.

  She felt Kit tense when she said loved. She wondered if it was the word or the past tense.

  “I know you did.” Kit kissed her hair, then her neck. “But I didn’t. And it’s hard to make rational decisions when you’re at war with yourself. I had to figure out who I am, so I can feel like I’m giving you everything. I had this discussion with my mentee the other day. Hopefully, she’ll catch on faster than I did. And I wanted you to take the time you needed. You said yourself you needed it.”

  “Can you back up to the mentee part?

  “I told you, you can ask me anything. But I also have questions I need answers to. Like what’s up with Daisy? And who was sitting outside the bathroom at the library tonight?”

  “Me first.” Thea turned a little in Kit’s arms so she could see her face.

  “Of course.” Kit nodded. “I’m volunteering as a peer-mentor at Star Recovery. I’ve wanted to since you helped me get the part-time job there, but I was too scared. But, Kit 2.0 can do anything, including this.”

  Thea turned fully so she was kneeling facing Kit and threw her arms around Kit’s neck. This had nothing to do with them. She was just happy for Kit and the nameless person lucky enough to be matched with Kit.

  “Is it weird to say I’m proud of you?”

  “Nope.” Kit hugged Thea tightly. “I’m damn proud of me too. I decided against the flashing neon sign telling the world all my secrets, but maybe I’ve got some experience I can use to help someone else. It feels selfish not to try.”

  Thea grabbed handfuls of Kit’s shirt and pulled her forward. She paused for a second just before she dipped her head to kiss her. She wanted one more second of anticipation.

  The kiss wasn’t fiery or wanton. This one was about emotion and reconnection. It was slow. Thea took her time reacquainting herself with Kit’s lips. She didn’t deepen the kiss for fear of losing herself. She wanted to keep talking, but she’d needed to kiss her, to reestablish their connection.

  Thea pulled away and Kit tried to follow, but she let go of Kit’s shirt and gently pushed her back. Kit let out a dramatic sigh but did as Thea asked.

  “You’re going to live.” Thea patted her cheek.

  “I might not. You might have just killed me.”

  “Resuscitate yourself.” Thea trailed her finger up the inseam of Kit’s jeans. “I have plans for you later.”

  “Fit as a fiddle. Clean bill of health.” Kit flexed her muscles dramatically.

  Thea knew what those muscles looked like when she made Kit come and the image was vivid. Thea shook her head to clear it. Kit gave her a look.

  Busted.

  Thea settled back in Kit’s arms. They ate their snuggle snacks in silence for a while. Thea was working up the courage to ask Kit what she really needed to know.

  “Kit, what happens the next time you get scared?”

  She felt Kit sigh. She pulled her close and kissed the top of her head.

  “I’m never going to lie to you. My first instinct will always be to protect you and my second instinct will probably always be to run.”

>   Thea stiffened and started to pull away. Kit held on.

  “But. I’m learning when I do that, the one who hurts you most, is me. I’m not a perfect woman, and I’ll keep making mistakes. But you’re the one I want to run to, not away from. I’m sorry I took so long to see that. I said it in the meeting, but I’ll say it as many times as you need to believe me. I love you, Thea. That’s worth fighting for and figuring out new ways to deal with tough things. You’re worth whatever it takes.”

  Thea felt tears welling. She didn’t try to control them. She let them fall. For the first time it felt okay to not know what came next. She and Kit would figure it out together.

  “I love you too.”

  Kit shifted so she could see Thea’s face.

  “Really? After everything I did?”

  “Kit, you weren’t the only one who made mistakes. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you, too.”

  “But I ran. After you asked me not to.”

  “You did. And I was pissed off and hurt, but I had my own things to process. My dad’s overdose came roaring back in a way I didn’t expect after I revived Ethel. Being with you felt risky in a way it never had before. I’ve never had anyone looking out just for me. My parents, my ex-wife, everyone who signed up for the job failed. I got scared you might too, even without trying. But you are you and you are different. I knew you were scared. I knew that and I didn’t chase after you. I should’ve chased you.”

  This time when they kissed there was nothing held back. Thea scraped her fingers along the short hairs at the back of Kit’s head. She ran her tongue over Kit’s lower lip and deepened their kiss. She’s missed the feel of Kit’s tongue on hers.

  Kit’s kiss was demanding and heated Thea through. Her hands, which had been holding her, now started to wander. Thea’s skin felt exquisitely sensitive everywhere Kit’s hands moved, and then she spread her hands flat over Thea’s stomach and moved upward, brushing her breasts. Thea gasped at the electricity of it and pushed against her.

  Kit moved her hands higher and Thea felt like it was the last opportunity to get off the porch and out of public before she ripped Kit’s clothes off. She pulled away and out of her arms.