Hormotional

by K. S. Adkins

  “Our son, Lizzy,” he whispered.

  “My son!” I screamed in his face. “You had a life out there.” I pointed at the exit. “My life was here! Raising my son alone. Telling him his dad was good, and how if he’d had a choice he’d have never left us! You aren’t dead, Jon!” I shrieked. “You chose to stay out there while we were in here!”

  “To keep you safe!”

  “Everyone wants to keep me safe.” I laughed at the thought. “Fuck you and fuck them. You shouldn’t have come back. Why did you come back?”

  “Because I fucking love you!”

  Meeting his eyes, I tell him, “I don’t love you, Jon.”

  Gripping the bottle, I refused to look at his face any longer. I could not bear to see him hurt, even if it was a hurt of his own making. So I stared at my lap, I thought about my son who didn’t remember his dad but deserved one. Just not this one, this one was a coward.

  “I owe Luke,” he said sadly. “I never thought I’d see it, but he brought my Lizzy back to life.”

  Dropping my head further, the tears fell from my eyes in fat drops. “He kept you safe, kept our son safe. I know I don’t deserve forgiveness, but you have to forgive him, baby, you love him, forgive him.”

  Sobbing racked my body and through the stream of tears I watched the liquid in the bottle swishing. “Twenty-two years,” he whispered, then scooted forward to brush my hair from my face like he used to. “You shut yourself off from love, Lizzy. I never wanted that for you. Let yourself love him back.”

  “Shut up,” I wailed, then raise my head to face him. “Shut the fuck up!”

  “Lizzy.” He tried to reach for me, but I blocked him.

  “I fucking mourned you,” I said while clutching that bottle like a lifeline. “I may have been young, but I knew what love was. It was you, it was our family, it was Ram! You promised me you’d stay straight, in our bed with our son sleeping between us, you fucking promised me!”

  “Lizzy, please…”

  “The second you walk out of here you are dead to me, I need you to know that. And I also need to know, what was in the pits, Jon? What brought the fucking DEA down on my garage?”

  “The pits are empty, Lizzy, you saw for yourself.”

  “You owe me the truth,” I growled menacingly. “For once, tell me the fucking truth! Or I swear to God, I will brain you with this bottle!”

  “You hated the pits, refused to use them, so I did. It’s the only option I had to repay my debts. I used the cars Iggy sent over to ship some coke. Came up through the pits at night, stocked the cars before they left the next day.”

  “You stole the key to the pits, used the tunnels, and ran drugs through my garage with Iggy? The same Iggy I allowed near our son! How long has this been going on?”

  “Since I died,” he said, then rushes out, “I knew you were struggling, and I had to get out from my debts. I had no choice! If I refused, they would have hurt my family!”

  “You son of a bitch,” I said, lunging for him. Grabbing me easily because I was shit-faced and off-balance. He held me close and said, “You’re clean and set financially. It killed me to see you and not touch you, Lizzy.”

  “Fucking drug money!” I screamed loudly. “You used my garage, used me, to ship drugs! This wasn’t for me or Ram, this was to save your sorry ass! Let me go!” I wailed while thrashing at the same time. Jesus, when I think about what could have happened to my son.

  “Listen to me,” he said turning me to face him, still clutching me tight. “It’s over. It’s done. You’re safe. I just needed to tell you I love you, I’m sorry, and you’ll never see me again. But I had to see you just once, needed to hold you one last time before I square up with Temple. We never had our goodbye, Lizzy. We deserve that.”

  Going still in his arms, I looked up at the man who used to be my everything, and that’s when it hit me. It hit me hard. “You knew about the cameras,” I grated out. “You got caught on purpose, didn’t you?”

  “My time’s up, Lizzy,” he said, resting his forehead on mine again. “Needed you safe, and you wouldn’t be until Temple had a reason to step in. I couldn’t let anything happen to my girl. Temple’s good, I knew he’d figure it out, and when he did, I wouldn’t put up a fight. This is me not putting up a fight.”

  My entire body lit up, I was so heated I was shocked Jon didn’t burst into flames. I waited for fire to shoot from my eyes or at the very least, my hair to catch fire.

  Hugging me for all he was worth, Jon buries his face in my neck, and I felt his tears on my skin. “I will love you until the day I die, Lizzy.”

  When I was young, loving Jon had been so easy, effortless.

  But I wasn’t a kid anymore. My adult heart and soul belonged to someone else now. It was his arms I wanted around me. His comfort, his love.

  I wanted to thank him for saving me, protecting Ram, and to beg for his forgiveness.

  Before I could make it right with Luke, I had to finish letting go of Jon.

  Funny, returning Jon’s embrace didn’t feel like it used to. His touch, like the man, was...unfamiliar to me.

  He had become a stranger.

  Here I was getting my goodbye, my closure, but it didn’t feel good at all.

  I was torn in two.

  Something was wrong, I could feel it.

  Not a day went by that I didn’t speak to Ma. She always called back, always took time out of her day to listen about mine. The fact that I was pacing and felt unsettled meant I needed to trust my gut. Kissing Destiny goodbye and promising to call her once I got home, I climbed in my truck and called Luke.

  Outside of my uncles, Luke had become the closest thing I ever had to a father.

  I talked to him as much as I talked to Ma.

  The guy had advice, never bullshitted me, and I knew he loved her.

  So, if something was wrong, he’d tell me.

  “Ram,” he said on the first ring. Luke had only said my name, but I could feel the agony behind it. I was right, something was wrong.

  “Is she okay?”

  “Listen, kid,” he tried to appease me.

  “I am not a fucking kid, Luke. Is she okay?”

  “Yeah, she’s okay.”

  “Why isn’t she answering her phone?”

  “She had a rough day,” he sighed. “Some shit went down at the garage, but I need you to trust me that I have it under control. I also need you stay where you are.”

  “A lot of shit hasn’t added up with you, Luke. Hiring me, sending me out on my own, and that’s not even including the Q&A about my Ma. I’m hauling ass home, so it’d be smart of you to let me know what I’m walking into.”

  “This ain’t a problem you can fix, Ram.”

  “Don’t care,” I growled. “It’s my Ma, tell me anyway.”

  “What’s your ETA?”

  “Ten hours or less depending on your answer.”

  “Can I trust you to handle it while you drive?”

  “Luke, goddammit!”

  “Answer me,” he demanded. “Can you handle it?”

  “Yes, I can fucking handle it!”

  When Luke paused I hold my breath, and when he said, “I love her,” I let it out. Then he said, “I love you too, happened fast, and I know you might not buy it, but it’s true.”

  “Luke,” I choked out. “My Ma…”

  “The DEA raided the garage this morning, been watching it for close to three years. I was sent in to get close, to clear her name, and I did, Ram. Your mom, she’s clean.”

  “You’re DEA?”

  “I was,” he sighed. “But I subcontract from time to time.”

  “She was a fucking job to you?”

  “She was until the night I saw her in that alley you picked her up in.”

  “You were there?”

  “I was there.”

  “What about me? Was I a job, too?”

  “Had to keep you safe, Ram
. While I figured this shit out, I could not have my focus divided. I hired you because you’re good, no bullshit. But I sent you on the road so I could focus on protecting your mom.”

  “What were they, what were you looking for?”

  “Drugs.”

  “Fuck,” I wheezed out.

  “Didn’t find shit, Ram, but I got eyes on her and plan to take his ass down when he shows.”

  “When who shows?”

  “Your dad.”

  At this, I pulled over and dropped my head on the steering wheel. And all I could think about was Ma. How she made sure I knew everything about him. How he loved us. That he was funny, affectionate, and incredibly smart. Even though I didn’t remember him, there were always the things my Ma didn’t say. His death wasn’t an accidental break in, I had figured that out early on. But that night changed my Ma’s life. I often caught my grandparents looking at her, wondering, hoping, and praying she’d meet someone. They fought about it constantly. With my Ma explaining she liked her life, that she was content. As I got older, I always asked why she never sought out love and marriage. At this, she never had an answer. She’d just say, ‘I have my boy, I have my garage, life is good, Ram.’ But I knew why. Because she’d lost it once and feared losing it again. Instead of dating, she made sure I had every fucking opportunity. My Ma went without, for me. If she took a trip, she took me with her. She wanted me to see the world and appreciate it.

  Though she was small, my Ma’s hands were strong and worn. Hands she used to feed me, rub my head, and cook meals with. I always loved her hands. Because even though they were strong, they were always gentle with me.

  I always had Ma’s hands. But Luke deserved them now, not him. Not ever him.

  All this time my Ma mourned him, wept for him, fucking missed him.

  And he was alive?

  He was running drugs through her fucking garage?

  That wasn’t a man.

  That sure as fuck wasn’t a father.

  I saw the way she looked at Luke, heard the way she spoke of him. Luke would never let anything happen to her.

  Because he was a real man.

  So, closing my eyes, I told Luke, “I don’t have a dad.”

  “Ram,” he said gently. “No matter what—”

  “Don’t,” I warned him. “Don’t fucking defend what he’s done.”

  “That’s not what I’m doing, son.”

  Son.

  Jesus Christ, I was twenty-four years old, and it was the first time any man had called me son. “What I’m trying to say is,” he continued on, “no matter what happens, I’ll be protecting you both.”

  “You handle Ma,” I told him while throwing my truck in gear. “I can take care of myself.”

  “I know you’re grown,” he said softly. “But I’m still protecting you, too.”

  Yeah, he would.

  Because again, he was a man.

  Why couldn’t I have had him as a father?

  Assured Ram was managing, I still wasn’t able to talk him into turning around. He was hell bent to get to Lizzy and breaking the sound barrier to do it. His presence would complicate things, but he was solid. He’d handle it, I’d make sure of it. I didn’t want Lizzy finding out about Jon, but I really didn’t want Ram finding out either. Haines eluded to it, but all it did was fuck with her head and send her into a spiral. So right now, she suspects but has no proof. Ram knows, and he was dealing. It’d be different for him, but no less hard. He didn’t remember his dad or the night he died, but now he knows he’s alive. I imagine the news wasn’t easy to take.

  I don’t have a dad…

  Fuck, if I had my way he would.

  Lizzy was dropped at the garage a couple hours ago and since then she’s been drinking whiskey straight from the bottle. My woman was lost and uncertain, and my part in this all cut deep. But she was safe, whole, and the garage could reopen whenever she was ready. Tonight, however, was not that night. It troubled me that she wasn’t moving, just sat there still as a statue, but on occasion would lift that bottle to her lips. Elizabeth Hudson was life. Wild and unpredictable like the wind, but life. Seeing her brought low set something on fire inside of me. I had to bring her back to life.

  Because when she was with me, she lived.

  When Jon walks straight in through the backdoor, moving slowly, silently, while she takes another swig the same time, I almost stroked out.

  “My girl isn’t a whiskey drinker,” he said, and I watched a thousand emotions beat at her.

  Her guard was up, way up, and she did not run to him as I had expected. Instead she merely looked up at his face and narrowed her eyes. Oh yeah, Lizzy was pissed.

  “This place is rigged with enough spy equipment to rival the NASA, Jon, what the fuck are you doing here?”

  I knew why he was there, he was done, and he fucking knew he was, but he wanted to see her one last time. When Jon looked up at the camera, and said, “I know,” I didn’t stick around to hear the rest of what was said. I had my gun holstered, keys in my hand, and was dialing Haines on the way to my truck.

  “Haines,” I yelled when he answered. “He’s at the garage with Lizzy!”

  “I’m sending the team,” he said quickly. “I’ll meet you there. And Luke? We’ll protect her.”

  “Tampered!” I roared in fury that I didn’t catch it sooner.

  “What?”

  “He tampered with the cameras!” Lizzy’s words hit me with the force of a freight train. Ram’s techy like his dad… Checking the time stamp, I see it's off by four minutes. “I don’t know how long he’s been there, Chris! I’ve got a gap!”

  “Fuck,” he yelled. “Hauling ass, Luke, secure Lizzy.”

  I flew into the lot, gun drawn. I kicked the office door open with the strength of a thousand men, and what I walked into could not be described. Iggy Rogers was nearly dead with Jon kneeling fifteen feet away, holding an unmoving Lizzy in his arms. Blood pooled around her while Jon screamed for her to wake up.

  When she didn’t wake, I knew.

  I fucking knew.

  I just refused to believe it.

  Elizabeth Hudson could not be dead on the concrete of her garage.

  Falling to my knees beside her, I shove him away taking her in my arms. Not hearing the words, he spoke, I rocked her, begging her to come back to me. When her body jolted, blood spurt from her mouth, and she began to choke on it. I quickly turned her gently to the side. With glazed, pain filled eyes she whispered, “Ram,” before taking her last breath.

  The unholy roar that filled the room belonged to me; distantly I heard Jon’s, too.

  Minutes later, the garage was filled with agents, medics, and more screaming.

  The screaming belonged to Jon, who refused to let go of Lizzy’s hand.

  Lizzy, who was mine not his. While holding her to me, I cocked back, nailing him in the jaw. From there, he was drug away, and I didn’t give a shit what they did to him.

  “Baby, don’t die,” I moaned into her neck. “Come back to me. Live, Lizzy, fucking live. We haven’t had enough time!”

  “Luke,” Haines said urgently. “She needs transport.” But I ignored him.” She needs transport, let her go.”

  “I didn’t protect her.”

  “Medics need to work on her, Luke. Let her the fuck go.”

  “I didn’t protect her!”

  Once tackled, Haines attempted to pin me, which meant my arms didn’t have Lizzy in them. Losing my fucking mind, I fought him with everything I had. I was winning when four other agents joined in. Straining against their hold, I watch the medics peel her shirt back and oh no, oh fuck no!

  “Don’t make me knock you out, Luke,” he growled. “Pulse is faint, there’s a chance, so calm the fuck down.”

  I heard him, but I didn’t hear him. However, I did hear a man release a battle cry, but I was so far gone I didn’t realize it was me. “Get him outta here,” Haines yelle
d, and I turned my head to see Iggy Rogers being hauled up. I instantly calmed down.

  “I’m good,” I lie, knowing they’ll release me. The second they did, I flipped my holster open, palmed my pistol, raised it, and put six rounds into Iggy Rogers’ body.

  But killing him didn’t bring Lizzy back.

  Moments earlier…

  My entire body lit up, I was so heated I was shocked Jon didn’t burst into flames. I waited for fire to shoot from my eyes or at the very least my hair to explode. Hugging me for all he was worth, Jon buries his face in my neck, and I felt his tears on my skin. “I will love you until the day I die.”

  When I was young, loving Jon had been so easy, effortless.

  But I wasn’t a kid anymore. My adult heart and soul belonged to someone else now. It was his arms I wanted around me. His comfort, his love.

  I wanted to thank him for saving me, protecting Ram, and to beg for his forgiveness.

  Before I could make it right with Luke I had to finish letting go of Jon.

  Funny, returning Jon’s embrace didn’t feel like it used to. His touch, like the man was...unfamiliar to me.

  He had become a stranger.

  Here I was getting my goodbye, my closure, but it didn’t feel good at all.

  I was torn in two.

  Standing inside a dimly lit garage with the man I thought forever lost to me, I told him, “I’m not a girl anymore, Jon. I’m not seventeen. What you did to me, to our son...The pain you caused...”

  “It wasn’t easy breaking your heart, Lizzy.”

  “It’s not broken anymore, not over you.”

  “Luke healed it,” he whispered, and I felt the agony saying the words caused him.

  When all I could offer was a nod, Jon accepted it, squeezed me tighter and said, “Forgive me, Elizabeth.”

  Suddenly, he was yanked from my arms, and he went down screaming in pain. Holding his stomach, he struggled to get up, but Iggy was there pushing him right back down.

  “Hey, Lizzy,” he said casually as if he hadn’t just stuck a knife in Jon’s side.