Could Have Been Us

by Corinne Michaels

  I’m well aware of that. I know that after the sixty-day period, I lost all rights to that girl. I’m aware that even though we had an agreement for updates, it wasn’t legally binding. I just had to trust Misty and Samuel, the same as they trusted us during my pregnancy.

  Still, the fact remains that he asked me for help and I’m not going to turn my back.

  “I didn’t forget that, Jack. She’s still our daughter regardless of the paperwork.”

  He leans toward me. “She’s not. She’s a child we had, but fuck, Stella. How don’t you see what lines you’re crossing?”

  All I see right now is that he’s willing to let her suffer. “I can’t see this your way.”

  Jack sighs, his shoulders drop, and I can see this is wearing on him. “I love you. I want nothing more than to change all of this, but our only legal option is to call child services. Is that what you want?”

  “Of course not! I want to help.”

  “And what if you being there makes it worse? What if you go there and Kinsley wants nothing to do with you? What if she rails about how you’re the worst mother because you left her with another family? What then? How the hell will you handle that?”

  I start to tremble, fear making it hard to speak, so I don’t.

  Jack places his hand on mine. “This is a mistake.”

  “Maybe it is, but it’s one I have to make. With or without your support.”

  Chapter 25

  Jack

  I can’t lose her. All night long I felt her slipping away as that argument went on.

  Stella is asleep—head on my arm and legs entangled with mine. At some point during the night, I went from holding her to having her suction cup herself to my body. I don’t complain, though, because having her beside me at night is the only way I want to sleep.

  In a few minutes, she’ll wake up and then she’ll leave.

  I understand her reasoning, and I don’t blame her for going, but I know it will change things. I’ve spent twelve years pretending that Kinsley wasn’t real in some way. I built walls to protect myself and in a matter of a few months, they’ve come crashing down. My heart is breaking for what she’s going through and there’s also a level of self-preservation screaming inside of me.

  There won’t be a way out of this that doesn’t devastate everyone. Samuel is a mess, Kinsley might be hurt, I know Stella and I will. Nothing about this is going to go in a direction that isn’t a catastrophe.

  My fingers brush her long brown hair down her bare back. She nuzzles closer and makes a mewling noise.

  The only thing I do know, is that she won’t do this alone. Even if we end up crushed, we’ll do it together.

  Slowly, she pulls herself from sleep, lashes blinking slowly as she tightens her arms. “Good morning.”

  “Good morning.”

  “I like this.”

  “Me too,” I say, not caring what part she’s referring to because I like it all.

  “Did you sleep well?”

  I didn’t sleep at all. My mind was going in circles, which led me nowhere but back to the thought that if she goes, everything would change because I would’ve done the exact opposite of what she needed—be there.

  All I would’ve had was one month.

  Not that I would trade it. It’s been the best month of my life, but still, this would be all we’d have, and that is how our story has always seemed to be.

  Not meant for forever.

  Stella’s fingertips slide against my jaw. I take her hand in mine and bring it to my lips. “I had you snoring in my ear, what do you think?”

  Her jaw drops. “I don’t snore.”

  I grin. “You do.”

  “Jack! You’re not supposed to say it.”

  “Why?”

  “Because . . . you’re supposed to pretend.” She rolls her eyes dramatically and huffs.

  “Well, you snore, and it’s adorable. I would listen to it every night if it means you were here.”

  Her lips turn into a tentative smile. “Do you think I won’t be here?”

  “I don’t know,” I answer her honestly. “What time are you leaving today?”

  She lowers her lids and shifts her body closer. “I don’t know. Soon.”

  A mix of dread and panic fills my chest, making breathing difficult. I grappled all night with what the right thing to do is. Losing Stella isn’t an option for me and I will support her no matter what, even if I don’t agree.

  There are really only two options. I let her go, stay here and hope it goes well, or I go with her. I stand beside her like I should’ve done all those years ago.

  “I want to go with you,” I tell her.

  Stella’s eyes open wide. “What?”

  “I’d like to come. I want to be there and help you get Samuel through whatever he’s dealing with.”

  “But . . . Jack.”

  “I know. I know the chance of seeing Kinsley is there, and I know what all of it means, but I love you, Stella. I love you, and while she’s not our daughter, she came from us. You and I can do this together, and we’ll figure it out. You shouldn’t have to do this alone.”

  Her lip trembles. “I don’t know what to say. I feel . . . a lot.”

  “I have been feeling it all night.”

  Stella releases a shaky breath. “Jack, are you sure? You don’t have to do this.”

  “No, I do. I thought about it all night. We may not have rights, but we have to help them. We sacrificed when we gave her up and we survived, we’ll do it again.”

  Tears fill her eyes. “You’re a good man.”

  “Only because of you.”

  And it’s true. She makes me want to be better. While I would rather not deal with any of this, we have to. Samuel is struggling, and when we were drowning, he threw us a lifeline. We entrusted Kinsley in his care and I can’t turn my back on what’s happening to her now.

  She rests her head back on my chest, and I feel the tears pool there. “Don’t cry, baby.”

  “I’m not sad.” Stella lifts her head and wipes her cheeks. “I’m overwhelmed, and I was worried that this was going to break us.”

  “It won’t. I won’t let it.”

  “Me either.”

  “Then we go down there with a plan. We help Samuel and Kinsley and come back home.”

  “I agree. I’m scared,” she admits.

  “Of?” There are a million things that she could be worried about, most of which are probably the same things I spent all night agonizing over. The biggest is seeing Kinsley. I don’t know what she knows. I don’t know how I’m going to see her and then leave her again. I’m not sure I’ll be able to get through it again.

  When I gave her over, it was the worst moment of my life. Giving the sweet little girl, who I loved even though I’d just met her, to another family is a feeling I’ll never forget.

  I handed her to another person to love.

  I gave her away.

  I just don’t know that it won’t destroy me if she hates me for giving her up.

  But for Stella, I’ll find a way to do what we can to help Samuel because I would rather endure the pain of having to never know Kinsley than allow Stella or our daughter to feel even a fraction of sadness.

  “Seeing her this time. And if we do, leaving her or having to answer questions that I either can’t fully explain or I don’t want to.”

  “You didn’t see her the last time, though?”

  “No,” Stella says, looking away. “I didn’t, but she was at a friend’s house and I have no idea. I was scared when I went the last time.”

  “Well, if we do see her, and have to go down that road, hopefully she’ll understand that we were kids.”

  Stella shrugs a little. “We were, but we’re not now. We chose never to push the door open and ask for Misty to let us in further.”

  Where I didn’t even see a door. I put studs, drywall, and a fucking steel cage around that door.

  “You did what you had to.”
<
br />   “We both did,” she says with understanding.

  I push back the hair that clings to her lips. “All we know is that he needs help. We don’t know what kind of help or how bad it is. Whatever situation we walk into, we’ll handle it. Hopefully, this is like the last time.”

  She smiles softly. “Right, we’ll go down, clean him up, help him with whatever, and be back home without anyone knowing.”

  “Exactly.”

  I’m really hoping this bartender friend is overexaggerating. Maybe he had a few drinks and just needed to sleep it off.

  Her phone rings, and she reaches for it. “It’s Samuel,” she says. There’s hesitation as the ringer goes again.

  “Answer it. I’m right here.”

  Stella does, and they talk while I only hear the one side of the conversation. “I understand. Jack and I are coming down, and we can talk then.” After a second, she nods. “Okay.” He talks again. “That’s good, Samuel.” Her breath hitches, and her eyes dart to me. “We’ll figure it out. I . . . we’ll be there in a few hours. Just stay home and try to see if she can stay at her friend’s house until then.”

  “What did he say?” I ask as she hangs up.

  “He’s not doing well.”

  I push up and rest my hand on her back. “We’ll do what we can, and I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

  Her head shakes a little. “No, Jack, I don’t think you understand.”

  “Okay, tell me.”

  Stella turns to face me. “I think we’re going to have to bring Kinsley home with us.”

  And just like that, all my fears have come true. We will never be the same again.

  Chapter 26

  Stella

  Jack has barely spoken for the entire ride. I think I can count on one hand the words exchanged. I understand his silence because there’s not much I really want to say either.

  The GPS continues to direct us, and I thank God for that because I know I can’t focus on anything other than Samuel saying he might need me to take her.

  Now we’re here, turning onto his road, and I feel like I might be sick.

  Mickey’s car is parked in the driveway. I sent him a text when we left, and he said he’d wait until I got here.

  We pull up, stopping in front of his house.

  Jack looks out the window. “No going back now.”

  I take his hand, not just because he might need it but because I do as well. “We’ll find a way through it, won’t we?”

  His hazel eyes are filled with a mix of emotions. I try to piece them out, but mostly I see his worry. This is as hard for him as it is for me, but Jack has spent the last twelve years living as though this never happened.

  At least I saw photos and got letters.

  Jack’s fingers tighten a little. “We will.”

  We get out of the car, and Mickey opens the door. “Sad to see you again.”

  I smile. “Same. This is Jack.”

  Jack shakes his hand. “Thanks for helping.”

  “Are you his brother?”

  “No, I’m Stella’s boyfriend.”

  I step forward before this gets stupid. “What happened last night?”

  They eye each other, and then Mickey nods. “Samuel is bad. He’s on a bender like I haven’t seen in a while. He needs help, real help. Before I called you, he got in touch with his brother, who said he can’t come or do anything. I guess Samuel borrowed money or something from him and he’s mad. I don’t know. The daughter called and said she’d be home later.”

  “I don’t know what to do.”

  Mickey lifts one shoulder. “It’s his call. I’ve been around long enough to see this go bad. He’s . . . out of control. I think he lost his job. There are bills stacked up in the kitchen.”

  I look to Jack as he rubs the back of his neck. “We should go in and see what we’re dealing with.”

  “Thank you,” I say to Mickey.

  He gives me a sad smile. “I’m going to stick around while you talk to him in case you need anything. Whatever tipped him over was bad. I like the guy, and well, we’ve sort of become friends.”

  “Of course.”

  We head into the house, and it’s so much worse than the last time I was here.

  In the living room, the television is on low and Samuel is wrapped in a blanket. He turns when we enter.

  “Stella.”

  I walk over and sit beside him, pulling him in for a hug. “Are you okay?”

  He starts to cry. “I can’t do this. I tried. I tried for her, but I can’t. I lost it all, and I’m drowning.”

  I rub his back, trying to calm him. “Talk to us. We’re all here to help.”

  Samuel pulls himself back up and takes a good look at Jack. It takes him a second, but then he gasps. “Oh my God. Jack?”

  Jack looks to me and then to Samuel. “Hi, Samuel. It’s been a long time.”

  Samuel rises, his legs wobbling, and he extends his hand. “It has been, and I wish it wasn’t like this now.”

  Jack nods once and helps Samuel back down.

  Mickey clears his throat. “Why don’t you tell them what’s going on?”

  “I lost my job,” he starts. “I was doing fine. I wasn’t drinking, and things were getting better. It was hard because I missed her, but I was staying strong. Kinsley was happy and . . . then they let me go.”

  “So you drank?” I ask.

  Samuel’s eyes fill with tears. “It was just one drink. That was all, but . . . I don’t remember going home. The next day, it was the same.”

  The shame in his voice shatters me. “Tell us what we can do.”

  “You have to take her,” he says, tears falling down his cheeks.

  “Take Kinsley?” I ask, needing the clarification.

  He starts to shake. “I have no one, Stella. Her mother is dead. My brother is in Phoenix and wants nothing to do with me. I need to get help.” Jack stands and starts to pace. “If you don’t take her, she’ll go into foster care while I’m in rehab. You’re her parents, and . . .”

  My eyes lift to Jack, and his shoulders sag. I know he doesn’t want this, but there’s not a chance in hell I’m letting her go into foster care.

  I turn to Mickey, his eyes wide as he looks between Jack and I.

  I lick my lips and let out a deep breath. “I . . . I don’t . . .”

  Jack steps in. “Give Stella and me a minute.”

  I get up and walk over to him. His hand rests on the small of my back as we go into the kitchen area. Jack takes a step back, and his head falls before his gaze meets mine. “You want to take her.”

  “Want? No, but I’m not letting her go into foster care.”

  “I’m not saying I want that either, but you can’t just bring her into Willow Creek Valley and expect no one to notice.”

  “Of course it wouldn’t be a secret. We’d have to deal with it.”

  “Deal with the fact that you and I have a twelve-year-old daughter who we’ve never told anyone about. Are you prepared to do this?” Jack asks.

  I’m not prepared for any of this, but it’s the hand we were dealt. “We’re her parents.”

  Jack shakes his head. “We’re not her parents, Stella. Samuel and Misty are. If you do this, you’re going to be fucking crushed at the end. Do you get that? You’re going to have your heart destroyed when you have to give her back, which you’ll have to do.”

  Tears well in my eyes, and I force them back. “I know that.”

  “Do you, baby? Do you know it is going to be ten times harder this time? She’s going to know we are her biological mother and father. That we gave her up twelve years ago. That she has uncles and a cousin. She’s going to see that . . . God, Stella, this is . . .”

  Impossible.

  Everything he’s saying is right. My heart and my head hear it all, and yet, it changes nothing.

  I step forward, placing my hand on his chest. “I’m going to be devasted giving her back, but once again, I have to put my daughter’s ne
eds first. We made a choice years ago to do the best thing for her, and we’ll do it again. She needs us, Jack. This time, it’s Samuel asking for us to help him the way they did for us. Now, if you can’t or don’t want to do this, that’s your choice. I won’t . . .” I want to say that I won’t hold it against him, but I will. As much as I hate it, this is a defining moment for us. “Well, I will respect your decision. So, you can walk away, but I am going to take Kinsley home. I’m going to take care of her while Samuel gets the help he needs. We can do this together or you can walk away.”

  He turns, pushing his hair back and cursing. “Look at me, Stella. I am not going to walk away from you and let you do this on your own. I’m just as responsible as you are, and I will never be okay with her going into foster care. I just . . . I don’t know how to do this. How to act like a guardian or whatever we’ll be.”

  “Neither do I, but you’re a great man.”

  “No, you are the good one. Jesus. Don’t you see? You made the choice for her. You struggled and . . .”

  “And you didn’t?” I challenge. “I know that you’re scared, and I’m absolutely terrified, but there’s only one option here, and it’s what’s best for that little girl. We have to do the best thing for her, regardless of our own feelings.”

  His eyes close, and I can see the pain when he opens them again. “I know. The worst part of this entire thing is that there really isn’t any way either of us would abandon her. But it’s going to cost us, Stella. It’s going to break us in so many ways, and I’m not at all sure that we’re prepared for that.”

  I walk over to him and rest my hand on his cheek. “We’ve survived worse, we’ll find a way through it again, only this time, we’ll have each other.”

  His forehead rests on mine as we breathe each other in. “I hope so. I really fucking hope so.”

  Chapter 27

  Jack

  After a lot of phone calls, preparing documents, and tears, Stella and I are the legal guardians of Kinsley Rose Elkins for the next thirty days.