Could Have Been Us

by Corinne Michaels

  My hands are shaking, I keep clenching them in an effort to stop, but it doesn’t. She’s going to be home in the next hour, and her entire world will change.

  “What does she know?” Stella asks Samuel as he rocks back and forth on the couch.

  “Misty and I promised we would never lie to her. She knows she’s adopted. She knows her mother was young and her father was too. We always gave her the option to ask whatever questions she wanted, but she never did.”

  I swallow deeply as Stella’s fingers lace with mine. “We just want to help her get through this without complicating it.”

  He nods. “I think today is going to be the worst day of all our lives. Kinsley will face the fact that I’m not as infallible as she thinks I am, and she’ll have to come to grips with having to go somewhere new for a while. It will be a lot for her.”

  That’s the understatement of the year. I know what it’s like to lose your parents at the same time. When your mother is taken away and your father falls apart. I’ve been where she is, and it will fuck her life up in so many ways. The things she thought she knew will become false.

  “I’ve been where she is,” I speak for the first time in a while. “It’s going to be extremely hard for her. She’ll be taken from the life she’s known and everyone she loves. I don’t know that any of us are remotely prepared for how she will react.”

  Stella turns to me. “What if we stay here for a few days? We can help her get through the first part in the comfort of her own home, and when she’s ready, we can bring her back to Willow Creek.”

  I nod. “I think that’s a good idea.”

  It’s something, at least. Plus, it’ll give Stella and I some time before her family has to learn the truth. As much as she’s trying to pretend she’s strong, I see the cracks in her armor as she trembles.

  We fear the same things. What if Kinsley refuses? What if the answers we give make her loathe us? There is no way to know how she’ll react. She has never met us, and now we’re in charge of her life. Not a single thing regarding this is okay.

  Not one.

  And yet, we all know that this is the best option. Her going into the foster care system with a bunch of strangers for thirty days makes my stomach churn.

  Samuel’s neighbor, who is a family practice lawyer, asks, “Are you all sure you don’t want to give her the illusion that you are foster parents? It may be one less thing.”

  Samuel shakes his head. “She’s the smartest kid I know. She’ll take one look at Jack and know he’s her real father.”

  Stella wipes at her face and then turns her head. “She’s the spitting image of him.”

  “Not to mention, lying to her was never something Misty and I did. I won’t start now,” he says. “I have always prided myself on being honest, even if she may not have been old enough to understand.”

  “Jack and I don’t want to lie either.”

  We fall silent as headlights pull up to the front of the house. A car door closes, and I hear her voice. “Bye, thank you!”

  My hand grips Stella’s a little tighter, and she does the same. I can feel my chest tighten, and a tingling sensation races through my veins. She’s going to walk through this door and nothing in the world will be the same.

  I’ll be someone’s father. Her father. I’ll have to see what I gave away, look into her eyes again and know that, for so long, she’s been walking this world without us.

  Guilt like I’ve never known before settles in my gut. I’m not good enough for her. I’m not the strong man I’ve tried to be. I’m just like my father. I ran from her when things were hard and stayed away because it was easier.

  The door opens, and Samuel gets to his feet. He meets her in the foyer while Stella and I sit here.

  “Jack?” she whispers. “I . . . I don’t know what to say.”

  Her lip trembles, and the tears in her eyes break me. The look, the fear on her beautiful face, takes me back to that hospital and how powerless I felt.

  “We’ll let Samuel lead it.”

  She nods.

  After another minute, he guides Kinsley into the living room. Stella and I stand, and my hand settles on her back, steadying her and also needing to keep ahold of something for my own sanity.

  My mind races as I see Kinsley for the first time. Her dark brown hair with hints of light brown falls around her shoulders, and her hazel eyes, which are the exact same shade as mine, stare back at me.

  She has Stella’s nose, and when she smiles, it’s like a time machine.

  She’s equal parts of us. The beauty of Stella in her youth. A keen eye, measuring the room the way I did.

  Samuel’s hand rests on her shoulder. He sighs deeply and then speaks. “Kinsley, this is Stella and Jack.”

  Her eyes move between us, and then her soft voice fills the silence. “My biological parents.”

  “Yes,” Samuel says. “We need to talk.”

  She looks back to her father. “Are you giving me back?” Her voice goes high with panic.

  Samuel moves fast, his hands cupping her face. “No, not like that. I . . . I need help. Come, let’s sit so we can talk.”

  He leads her to the couch, but her eyes continue to look back at us. I can’t begin to imagine what’s going through her mind. Stella sits beside me, her hand on my thigh, and I cover it with my own. The room is filled with a million questions, emotions, and everyone is trying to hold it together.

  Samuel begins, taking Kinsley’s hands in his. “Losing your mother has been . . . difficult for me. I’m not okay, Kinsley. I need to get help before it’s too late. Do you understand?”

  “Daddy, I can help. I’m trying to do what I can around the house.”

  He shakes his head. “You’ve been the only thing that has been able to keep me together until now. You are the reason I haven’t . . .” He trails off, and I squeeze Stella’s hand. It’s far worse than I think we thought. Samuel is killing himself slowly, and if it weren’t for Kinsley, he probably would’ve done far worse than just drink. “I can’t hold it together. I’m falling apart, and if I don’t get help, I’ll never be able to survive. And I can’t lose you.”

  A sob escapes her throat as she throws herself into his arms. “Please, Daddy, you can’t go too.”

  “I have to, baby. I have to get help so I can come back and be the daddy you need. It’s what I should’ve done before. You shouldn’t be taking care of me, Kinsley. It’s my job to take care of you.”

  “I can do it, though. I can take care of everything.”

  “You can’t, and that’s why I called Stella and Jack.”

  Stella wipes her face, and I do as well. It’s incredibly hard seeing the two of them in this much pain.

  She looks to us, tears running down her face, and then back to Samuel. He wipes them away and says, “There are two other people in this world who love you more than their own lives, and they’re here, willing to help. While I go away to get myself better, they’re going to take care of you.”

  I want to scream about how unfair it is for her to have to go through this. Her life has been upended, and now it’s becoming worse. We gave her up to avoid causing her pain, and now we’re sitting here, inflicting it.

  “I want you!” she cries out.

  “I know, and I’m sorry I’m not able to do this on my own. I wish I were—God, I wish I could do what your mother would want, but I can’t.”

  Samuel looks to us, and I’m not sure what to say, but I’m going to try. “I can’t imagine what you’re thinking. You don’t know us at all, and now you’re being told we’re your biological parents and are here to help. I’m . . . I’m not sure what to say, and I’m an adult.”

  Stella clears her throat. “Whatever questions you have, we’ll answer.”

  She looks at Stella. “I saw you. You were at Mom’s funeral.”

  “I was.”

  “So, you knew who I was?”

  Stella nods. “Yes, I talked to your mom frequently. She would
write to me and send me photos. But her funeral wasn’t the right time to talk to you. I knew you were grieving, and I came just to pay my respects to someone I loved.”

  Kinsley’s eyes turn to me. “Were you there?”

  My throat goes dry, and I answer her honestly. “No, I didn’t . . . I didn’t really talk to your parents. When I had to let you go, it was . . . well, it was the only way I could survive it.”

  “Right. And now I’m supposed to stay with you? Pretend that this is okay?”

  Samuel takes her hand again. “I’m asking you to temporarily go with two people who love you enough to be here right now. Who came, without hesitation, to do the best thing for you. I can’t do this. I have to go, and none of us want you to go into foster care.”

  Her eyes widen. “What about my friends? Why can’t I stay with them?”

  “Because this is the right choice,” Samuel tells her. “You have to trust me.”

  Kinsley gets to her feet, tears still falling down her cheeks. “I don’t! I want Mom! She would never let this happen!” she yells before running out of the room. The sound of her door slamming reverberates around the room as we all sit here in silence.

  Chapter 28

  Stella

  Watching Mickey drive Samuel away was incredibly heartbreaking. Kinsley cried continuously—hell, we all did. The next thirty days will be a testament to our fortitude. Jack is quiet, doing his best to appear strong, and I’m dying inside.

  I try to think of how I would feel at her age. She knew she was adopted but knows nothing about us. Now, she’s forced into this while the only parent she has left checks himself into rehab.

  I’d be angry, scared, and inconsolable. Which is what I imagine she is.

  She’s been in her room the last hour, crying and breaking my heart. If she were Amelia, I would be in there, holding her as she let go of all her pain, but I don’t have that right. So, I’m standing outside her door, debating the right move.

  Jack enters the hallway, jerking his head to the side as an indication that he wants me to follow him. I touch the wood panel, sighing and then moving away.

  “She needs time.”

  “I know, but I hate that she feels alone right now.”

  Jack looks around, seeming lost. “We just have to do what we can. We also have to talk to your family.”

  I step toward him, and he wraps his arms around me. “I didn’t ever want to do this.”

  “I know.”

  “I’m not ready for them to know.”

  Jack kisses the top of my head. “It’s time we deal with it. Kinsley has been a secret hanging over both our heads for a long time.”

  “Grayson . . . he’s going to be so angry.”

  I’m not ready for his ire. Not just because Jack and I lied, I can handle that part of his anger, but because I’m afraid he will see me in the same light he sees Yvonne. A woman who walked away from her child. It’s what I did. Regardless of my reasons or my age, I let her go for someone else to raise.

  Jack lifts my chin so our eyes meet. “We did what we thought we had to. If he hurts you or says anything . . .”

  “He’s your best friend.”

  “And you’re the woman I love.” The statement says more than he’ll ever know. “I won’t let anyone say something to hurt you. That much I can promise.”

  A tear falls, and my heart both hurts and is full at the same time. I know my brothers will be upset. I know they’ll make assumptions. But, when they hear that my father was part of the reason we gave her up, the anger will shift. They’ll just never understand what it was like for Jack and me.

  They can’t begin to know the guilt, heartache, and pain we’ve struggled with all these years.

  Still, Jack is right about my not being able to avoid telling them. “I’ll call them,” I say.

  “Why don’t we do it now? She’s in her room, so we can go outside to talk to them.”

  I lean on Jack, taking whatever strength he’s lending me and hoping I can make it through this.

  The first person I want to tell is Oliver.

  The two of us walk outside to the covered porch, and with a shaky breath, I hit the call button.

  “Hey, Stell, we’re out of milk. Are you able to get some from Jack’s house?”

  “Ollie, we . . . we have to talk.”

  “What’s wrong?” His voice instantly shifts. “Are you okay? Are you crying?”

  My brother knows me too well. “I’m okay, and yes, I’m crying, but I need you to listen and let me get through this, can you do that?”

  Jack wraps his arm around my shoulders, holding me tight.

  “I can try,” Oliver says, which is the best I can hope for.

  I explain it all. The night with Jack when I was a kid. The day we found out I was pregnant. The pregnancy, our father’s ultimatum, going to stay with our grandmother, and the birth. I talk about Kinsley, and what that was like for us to give her up. Through it all, he’s silent. Telling Oliver first was the right move. He’s my twin. He knows my heart and how difficult this is for me.

  When I’m finished, and the tears are like rivers, Oliver finally speaks.

  “Whatever you need from me, I’ll do it,” he says, and his voice breaks at the end.

  I cry harder as Jack holds me to his chest, and I feel like maybe I’ll be okay.

  Maybe.

  I’m completely spent. There is nothing left in my heart, but we still have one call to make. I’ve spoken to three of my brothers, who all handled it much better than I thought they would and offered their unwavering support.

  Next is the call I’m dreading and still not ready to make.

  “Do you want to call Grayson now?” Jack asks.

  “No.”

  “You can’t avoid it.”

  I can’t, but I only have so much emotional bandwidth and I’d rather use the rest of it on Kinsley.

  “I want to check on Kinsley,” I tell Jack. “It’s been almost an hour, and I don’t want her to think we don’t care.”

  The disappointment is there, but he doesn’t push me. “All right, but we have to tell him tonight. If he finds out from anyone other than us, it would be unforgivable.”

  “I know. We’ll tell him.”

  Jack leans over and gives me a kiss. “I love you.”

  “I love you too.”

  I don’t know that I’ve ever loved him as much as I do in this moment.

  We head inside, and Jack motions me forward before moving to the kitchen. She’s still hidden away behind a shut door, and if anyone is going to be able to reach her emotionally, it’ll be me. I knock twice and wait for the door to open.

  Her eyes are red, wet trails go down her face, and I imagine we match more than we’d like.

  “Are you hungry?” I ask.

  She shakes her head.

  “Would you like to watch a movie or . . . anything?”

  I see her debate it a little and then she pulls her door open a bit more. I take the olive branch and head inside. Her room is the same as it was the last time I saw it with the exception of the box of letters on the ground.

  My letters.

  She sits on the edge of her bed. “My mother gave me these before she died.”

  There are photos, letters, and small gifts I sent to Kinsley through the years spread out. It’s tangible proof that I thought of her, wondered, and worried. If I told her how often I looked at babies as they passed and imagined what she was like, I’m not sure she would believe me. Each time Amelia would do something, my mind would go to Kinsley and how I wished I could’ve been there for those moments.

  It was hard at first, but eventually, I found a sense of peace when it came to her. As though the more I allowed her into my heart and mind, the more I knew what we did was right.

  “I remember sending pretty much everything that is in that box.”

  “You wrote to her, but never me.”

  I exhale deeply. “I didn’t really know what to say. Misty
was a friend, someone I loved and thought was a hero. She took care of something that was more precious to me than myself.”

  Kinsley’s eyes meet mine. “You were young when you had me?”

  “Yes, I was eighteen and Jack was twenty-two.” I move toward her bed but hesitate before asking, “May I sit?”

  She nods. “I have a lot of questions.”

  “I’m sure you do, and we’ll answer whatever you ask.”

  Kinsley grabs a tattered blanket from her bed and pulls it onto her lap. It’s the blanket we gave Misty and Samuel to bring her home in. I didn’t know if they would throw it out, but I wanted Kinsley to have one thing from us. Something that maybe told her we were wrapping her in our love. Jack and I spent hours in the store, searching for something perfect. I wouldn’t allow myself to buy anything other than this one thing.

  Jack appears in the doorway, not entering, and she looks at him and then back to me. “So you’re together?”

  “Now we are, but we weren’t when you were born and not until recently.”

  She plays with the edge of the blanket. “So you’re not married or have another kid?”

  Jack answers. “No, we’ve spent every minute apart until about two months ago.”

  “What changed?”

  I smile. “Time.”

  “Time?” Her voice squeaks.

  “Yeah, we fought it for a lot of years before we gave in. However, we were both in love with each other before that, we just stayed away.”

  “Why?”

  “Well, a lot of reasons. We both struggled with your adoption and the secrets we kept.”

  “Oh.” Kinsley releases a heavy sigh. “This is really weird, and I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do.”

  Jack enters the room and leans against the dresser. “You’re not supposed to do anything. If you want one or both of us to let you have time, just tell us. If you need to ask questions, we’ll answer. None of us know what to do right now. Stella and I are just as stunned by how this has gone as you are.”

  She looks down at her fingers. “Why don’t I see letters from you?”