All Hope Is Lost

by E. L. Todd

  “Hi.” She was bundled up again and there wasn’t a dish in her hands.

  “Hi.” I didn’t know if I should invite her in or not.

  Lexie glanced passed me and saw Roland and Heath. “You have company…I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

  “No, it’s okay.” I stepped aside and allowed her to enter my apartment.

  Lexie slowly approached Roland, her shoulders stiff with dread. “Hey, Roland.”

  He stared at the TV and blatantly ignored her.

  Lexie didn’t press him for conversation but she looked hurt.

  “Hi, Lexie,” Heath said. “How are you?”

  She turned to him with a lighter stance. “Good. You?”

  “I’m not a big fan of winter so I’ve been better.”

  “I heard about your engagement,” Lexie said. “Congratulations.”

  “Thank you,” he said. “We’re excited.” He glanced at Roland and silently commanded him to acknowledge Lexie.

  Lexie waved it off. “It’s okay. He has every right to be upset.”

  “He does,” Heath said. “But that doesn’t mean he can act like a dick.”

  Roland shot him a glare.

  I grabbed Lexie by the elbow and pulled her toward the kitchen. “What brings you here?”

  Now that she was alone with me, she was tense all over again. She looked at me the way she used to, with love in her eyes. It shined bright like the biggest star in the sky. “I wanted to ask you to dinner.”

  A one-on-one evening at a fancy restaurant was too much. The pressure broke my back, and I felt weak. “I’m gonna pass.”

  Disappointment filled her eyes. “I understand.”

  I put my hands in my pockets due to the awkwardness. Sometimes things felt right between us, and other times it was just as painful as the first time I saw her after our break up. Hopelessness filled me.

  “Well…I’ll let you get back to your evening.” She headed to the door with her head bowed. She didn’t look toward Heath and Roland as she said goodnight. “I’ll see you guys later.”

  “Good night, Lexie,” Heath said.

  Roland was silent.

  I watched the door close and felt even more confused.

  Chapter Seven

  Lexie

  I walked the streets alone that night. Patches of snow were on the sidewalk, and steam rose from the sewers. I could see the breath escape from people’s mouths as they passed.

  I never felt more alone.

  Every time I took a step forward with Conrad, we took ten back. It was my fault and I knew that, but I was beginning to lose hope we could ever be what we once were. His sister hated me, and she would always hate me. His mother despised me even more, and none of his friends gave a damn about me.

  What chance did we have?

  Conrad was the only man I wanted. He was the only person I could picture myself settling down with. If this didn’t work out, I would return to my old ways. My life would be full of meaningless one-night stands and work. That empty lifestyle didn’t bother me beforehand, but now that I knew what it was like to truly be happy I realized how hollow it was.

  But what could I do?

  I could wait for Conrad but would that get me anywhere? Would that get him anywhere? Was my presence just making life more difficult for him? If I disappeared would he be able to move on and be happy? Would he fall for Carrie?

  Would he ever take me back?

  I didn’t think so.

  Putting my heart on the line day after day wasn’t easy either. I tried not to have any expectations of what would happen between us, but I was still disappointed. Seeing Conrad but not having him was torture. And I think it tortured him too.

  Could we ever come back from this?

  The answer was hitting me right in the face. It’d been hitting me for a long time but I tried to ignore it. But now it couldn’t be pushed aside. The truth rang loudly, and even though no one could hear it but me, it stretched across the city, hitting every street and alleyway.

  Conrad and I were through.

  The acceptance hit me hard in the chest, like a slab of bricks was just dropped on me. My throat burned from constantly swallowing, and my eyes were beginning to drip.

  It didn’t matter how much I loved him. And it didn’t matter how much he loved me. It wasn’t enough.

  All hope was lost.

  ***

  Hannah stared at me with her jaw hanging. “What?”

  “You can refer my clients to Dr. Rosenbalm. He’s very good at what he does. I actually worked on a paper with him a few years ago.”

  She held the folders in her open arms but still couldn’t believe it.

  “I ended my lease a few hours ago. Applicants will start applying for the position. I kept it contained to my profession so you don’t need to worry about your job.”

  “Lexie…I don’t understand. Why are you leaving?”

  Because I couldn’t live in this city anymore. I couldn’t keep walking past the restaurant where Conrad proposed. I couldn’t walk past his building in the hope of seeing him when he got off work. I couldn’t live in a place where his presence filled every inch and crevasse. “I was offered a job in California. I think it’s time for me to move on.”

  “But…this is crazy. You didn’t even put in your two weeks. You’re just leaving?”

  It wasn’t very professional. True. “I’m sorry, Hannah. I can’t stick around.” I pushed the boxes with the files across the desk toward her. “Everything you need is in here. And you can call me if you need help with anything.”

  She stood in front of my desk, still dumbfounded.

  “It was a pleasure working with you, Hannah.” I shook her hand but her grip was weak.

  Then I walked out.

  ***

  I ended my lease with my apartment and told the landlord he could keep all the furniture since I didn’t need it. I certainly couldn’t take it with me all the way across the country. I wasn’t attached to it that much.

  Besides, it would only remind me of the man I lost.

  The last thing I had to do was tell my family. I was dreading it to my core. I loved my mom and didn’t want to be so far away from her. But I couldn’t stay here anymore. I would never move on when Conrad was seeped into every pore of my skin.

  When I walked inside the house I couldn’t put on a fake smile. I usually could pretend everything was okay when it wasn’t. But today, I just couldn’t do it. I walked into the kitchen where Mom was drinking tea and reading a magazine.

  “Hey, honey,” she said cheerfully. “Earl Grey?”

  “Sure.” I approached the table and felt my hands go weak.

  Mom looked up at me, and when she saw my face she knew something was wrong. “What is it?”

  I sat down because I couldn’t feel my legs. “There’s something I need to tell you…”

  The tea and magazine were abandoned, and Mom gave me her full focus.

  “Conrad and I are never getting back together. I tried to fix it. I did everything I could to make it right between us. But he’s so heartbroken and hurt…he just can’t do it.”

  Mom nodded slowly. “You’re leaving.”

  I took a deep breath. How did she know that? How did Mom always know? Instead of responding, I just nodded. Then I waited for her heartbreaking reaction. I waited for her to cry and tell me how much she would miss me.

  But she didn’t.

  “I understand, Lexie. Sometimes you just need to get away.”

  My eyebrows automatically rose.

  “Where are you going?”

  “California.”

  “As far away as possible, I see.”

  I nodded.

  “If this is what you need, you have my support. There’s no antidote to a broken heart, but a change of scenery always helps.”

  “I just can’t live in the same city as him. He’s all I ever think about. I need to be somewhere where nothing reminds me of him. I’ll never move on if I don�
�t.”

  Mom nodded. “It makes sense, honey.”

  “I’m so sorry…I don’t want to leave you.”

  “I know.” Her eyes squinted in sadness then she came around the table and hugged me. “It’s okay. It doesn’t have to be forever.”

  I cried in my mother’s arms. “Why did I say no? Why did I have to throw away the greatest thing that ever happened to me? I would do anything, anything at all, to get him back.”

  “Shh…” She rubbed my back.

  “I miss him so much.”

  “He misses you too.”

  “But that’s not enough…”

  She kissed my forehead and continued to rub my back and stroke my hair. “I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but you will get through this. Jared broke your heart but you rose above it. You can do it again, Lexie.”

  No, I couldn’t. It was different with Conrad.

  He was the one.

  ***

  I stood outside his door for twenty minutes. I stared at the numbers on the door and the doorbell on the wall. The paint was deep maroon and the tile below my feet was gray. The building he lived in was nice.

  This was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, and I couldn’t force myself to do it. I was saying goodbye to Conrad. This would be the last time I ever saw him. Would I be able to keep it together? Would I be able to talk without sobbing? Maybe I should just leave without saying anything. He never called me anyway.

  But I stayed still.

  I took a deep breath then held my fist to the door. My hand shook as I held it there. Then I knocked. My knuckles rapped against the wood and echoed in the hallway. Now there was no going back. This was it.

  Conrad opened the door in sweatpants and a t-shirt. His body always looked so nice in anything he wore. He had the build of a gladiator but the heart of an angel. He stared at me with those blue eyes I’d fallen into so many times. They were bright and vibrant. I remembered staring into them when we made love on every piece of furniture in my office. I wanted to stay there forever and just look at him. Soon, this moment would be a memory, one that would pain me deeply. But I wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about it no matter how much it hurt.

  Conrad knew something was wrong. He eyed my ghostly face and my quivering lips. “Lexie, are you okay?”

  “No.”

  He continued to face me, the concern deepening. “What is it? Did someone hurt you?”

  “I did.” I did this to myself. I ruined my life. “Conrad, I came here to tell you something and it would make it much easier if you didn’t say anything at all…so I can get it out.”

  He gave me a curt nod.

  “You were right before. You said this wasn’t working, and it’s not. You’ll never trust me again, not that I blame you. There are times when you look at me like you love me, and there are other times when you stare at me like I’m the devil covered in thorns. You’re constantly going back and forth, and that’s just making it harder on yourself. I wish I never tried to get you back. I wish I hadn’t disrupted your relationship with Carrie. I wish…I wish I’d said yes.”

  His eyes fell in sadness, and his breathing became deep and rugged.

  “I made the biggest mistake of my life when I ran out on you. I was scared of my past and our future, and that made me throw away the most beautiful thing I’ve ever had. I thought leaving you a note would explain everything, even change everything, but that was a stupid idea. I should have just called you and told you how I felt instead of acting like a coward. Or better yet, I should have just had faith in us and let you put that beautiful ring on my finger.

  Conrad’s eyes filled with moisture but they didn’t bubble over.

  “I can’t keep trying to make this work when it’s just hurting us both. You can never trust me, and while you love me, it’s just not enough. And I can’t keep hoping things will change when I know they never will. We’re poison to each other. Instead of trying to get you back, I need to let you go. You need to start over with someone new, someone special. You deserve a perfect wife with a house in the country. You deserve true love. I want you to have that—even if it isn’t with me.” I was about to walk out of his life forever, and my feet didn’t want to cooperate. The future I wanted with him was slipping out of my fingers, and in just a few more seconds it would be gone forever. “I’m moving to California. I have a job offer there, and I think it’s a place where I can start over. And with me gone, you should be able to start over too.”

  Conrad’s voice came out quiet. “You’re leaving?”

  Hope surged in my heart. I wanted him to ask me to stay. It was a stupid dream but I had it anyway. I wanted him to pull me into his apartment and kiss me. I wanted him to tell me I was the only one he could ever love. “Yes.”

  He stared at me with the emotion brewing in his eyes. But he was silent. He didn’t say all the things I wanted to hear. He didn’t grab my hand and squeeze it. He didn’t ask me to stay. “When?”

  “Now.” I didn’t want to waste any time getting out of there. The sooner I left, the better I would feel. Unless Conrad took me back.

  He stared at me in silence.

  He was going to let me go. I could see it in his eyes. He didn’t believe we would ever make this work. He was officially throwing in the towel and accepting a life where I didn’t exist. He wanted to move on with his life and make me a memory that he would slowly forget with every passing year. And then one day, he wouldn’t be able to picture my face. And then finally, he wouldn’t even remember my name.

  My eyes filled with unstoppable tears. This was the hardest goodbye. Despite what I did, I knew I loved him and I could be everything he needed me to be. I took the long road to get here but I finally arrived. If he just let me in I could be what he’d always wanted.

  But he wouldn’t let me.

  “Good bye, Con.” The use of the nickname sent me back to beautiful nights when we napped on the couch and had dinner together in the dining room. I remembered the way he took care of me when my parents got a divorce. When Macy threw herself at him, he pushed her aside without any temptation.

  Conrad’s eyes filled with more tears but his lips didn’t move. He just stared at me, unable to find the right words to say. He struggled to say goodbye. Saying the words would make it permanent.

  I couldn’t stand in front of his door anymore. I couldn’t look at the face I pictured every night when I went to sleep. I couldn’t stare at the love of my life and watch him let me walk away.

  And without another word or look, I left.

  Chapter Eight

  Jared

  I was still pissed at Beatrice.

  She hadn’t called me, and I sure as hell wasn’t going to call her.

  Fuck her.

  She was with Conrad behind my back, making out with him and shit. I told her I loved her, and that’s what she did to me? She lied to me right off the bat? I was paranoid I wouldn’t be good enough for her, but in the end, she was the one not good enough for me.

  Whatever.

  I spent the next few days locked up in my apartment. I didn’t go to work, to the bar or the wine bar, and since no one called me I assumed the places were still standing. Beatrice must have taken over the wine bar otherwise I would have heard something by now.

  The fact she was able to handle it annoyed me.

  When enough days had gone by, I knew I needed to get back to work. That place was half mine, and I needed to pay employees and pay other bills. Beatrice would probably figure it out on her own but there was a good chance she would mess it up.

  Just the way she messed us up.

  I walked inside fifteen minutes before the place opened. We were only opened in the evenings, so we always had the afternoon off. I tried to remain calm as I walked in, telling myself I didn’t care if Beatrice was there or not.

  But I did care.

  She stood at the register and placed the cash in the correct slots. She licked her fingers a few times as she sorted the b
ills. Not once did she look up at me. It wasn’t clear if she even knew I was in the building.

  “Long time, no see.” Frank, one of the cooks, pulled his apron over his head.

  “Yeah, I just needed a break. I came down with something.” I pointed to my nose then looked at Beatrice.

  Her eyes moved to my face when she recognized my voice. And like she saw nothing, she looked away. She continued depositing the cash like I was invisible.

  Seriously?

  “We’re getting paid today, right?” Frank asked.

  “Yep. Those checks will be ready by the time you leave.”

  “Cool.” Frank headed to the back.

  I walked past the counter where Beatrice stood.

  Her eyes were still downcast, pretending I didn’t exist.

  She was ignoring me? I was the one who should be ignoring her. She was the one who went behind my back. “You’ve got a lot of nerve, you know that?”

  Beatrice finally looked at me, and the irritation burned in her eyes like a flame. “No, you have a lot of nerve, Jared. This is a workplace. Play nice or leave.”

  “Play nice?” I asked. “You aren’t even going to say hi to me?”

  “Why should I?” she snapped. “You accused me of being a liar and a cheat. Grow the hell up.” She slammed the register closed then walked away.

  I clenched my jaw in irritation and watched her go. Then I stormed down the hall to the office. When I was there, I slammed it just to make a statement. She probably couldn’t hear me but that didn’t matter.

  I sat down and got to work, but half of my mind was elsewhere.

  ***

  When the dinner crowd came in, I manned the register and took care of the bar. My eyes constantly moved to Beatrice as she waited on the tables. She had a natural talent with people. She made them feel at home, and the happier they were the more money they spent.

  Beatrice didn’t look at me once. Whenever she had to interact with me, she tossed the tab on the table or told me what she needed under her breath. She despised me, and it was written all over her face.