All Hope Is Lost

by E. L. Todd

“I’m always looking for new bands to represent.”

  “I’m flattered.” And totally knocked off my feet.

  “The music industry is much different than it used to be, especially with online streaming. Bands are doing a lot more touring in order to compensate for loss of profits. It’s a whole new ball game. But you guys have the talent to make it.”

  I couldn’t believe someone actually said that to me. “I don’t know what to say…”

  “Are you free for lunch tomorrow?”

  I was free at anytime to discuss something like this. But then his earlier words hit me right in the chest. There would be a lot of touring, a lot of work. While that sounded like a dream come true, I wasn’t a single guy anymore. I had a wife, and now I had a baby on the way. I made a commitment, and I couldn’t turn my back on that.

  Before Trinity and I got married, I struggled with the boring life of monogamy. Touring the world and playing music was what I always wanted to do. It was my dream. But then Trinity became a different kind of dream, and I’ve never been so happy in my life.

  If this really went somewhere, would I be able to do that to her? To my baby? I’d be gone all the time and working late hours. I’d be surrounded by crazy fans that constantly threw their thongs at me. It would be a completely different world, not the quiet lifestyle we had now.

  Could I really do that?

  Don waited for me to respond, and when I didn’t he spoke again. “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”

  While it was a hard decision to make, I already made it. When I begged Trinity to marry me, I promised to give her the life she wanted. Being a rock star and living in fame and fortune would be amazing, but it wasn’t worth sacrificing what I had now. To Trinity, I already was a rock star. “I really appreciate the offer and I’m flattered beyond words, but that’s not what we’re looking for.”

  Don clearly wasn’t used to this response. “Sorry?”

  “Thank you, Don. But we’re happy with the way things are.”

  He still couldn’t believe it. “How about you take some time to think about it?”

  “I don’t need more time.” I shook his head even though his hand was unresponsive. “Take care.” I turned around and walked away from a different future I could have had. But it wasn’t hard to do. I’d like to have a family and be a rock star at the same time, but it simply wasn’t possible.

  I left the hallway then reached the floor in front of the stage. People had dispersed and headed to the bar and the merchandise table. Trinity stood there with Theo and Roland.

  Trinity’s eyes lit up when she saw me. “That was such a beautiful song.”

  “You liked it?”

  She jumped into my arms and wrapped her legs around my waist.

  The second she did that I was hard.

  “I loved it.” Her arms were around my neck, and her hair blanketed my face.

  “I thought you might.” I kissed her and kept my hands under her ass. She was light as air and so soft.

  “I love being married to a rock star.”

  “Yeah?” I said. “I love being married to a supermodel.”

  She gave me a hard kiss on the lips. “Let’s go home. I want to give you the hottest groupie love you’ve ever had in your life.”

  “I’ve already had the hottest groupie love—every night.”

  Chapter Eleven

  Cayson

  I couldn’t wipe the smile off my lips.

  When I took a drink of my beer, my smile faded. But once the bottle was on the coaster again, my lips stretched wide all on their own. Getting laid was the greatest feeling in the world. It fixed everything.

  Slade sat across from me, and he noticed my odd behavior. “Why the hell do you look like that?”

  “Like what?”

  “A clown without a red nose.”

  I shrugged and took another drink.

  “Skye finally put out?”

  I smiled in response.

  “About time,” Slade said. “If Trinity held out that long I’d have to hold her down.”

  “She wasn’t into it at first, but I won in the in.”

  “Does that mean women don’t like sex after childbirth?” A look of horror came over his face.

  “No, not at all. Skye was just self-conscious about her body.”

  “Are you telling me she didn’t realize she was ugly until now?”

  My eyes narrowed on his face.

  “Kidding.”

  “She’s just uncomfortable with the stretch marks and the extra weight. Nothing to be concerned about.”

  “Trinity said the same thing to me, that she would be worried I wouldn’t be attracted to her anymore.”

  “I don’t understand it,” I said. “It’s not like she looks like a different person.”

  “So…is everything all weird down there? Did it move around or anything?”

  Slade said some weird shit, but that was at the top of the list. “No, it doesn’t move.”

  “Is it…super loose? Like throwing a hotdog down a hallway?”

  “No.” If anyone else asked me that, I wouldn’t answer.

  “Really?”

  “It’s just as tight as before.”

  “Thank god.” He leaned back into the booth then kissed the sky. “Praise whatever the hell is up there.”

  My lips lifted in an involuntary smile.

  “Dude, you have no idea how much better I feel. I thought Trinity was going to have to let me fuck her in the ass for the rest of our lives.”

  I was about to drink my beer but stopped because I was disturbed. “TMI.”

  “I’m just saying. Or she would have to suck my dick.”

  “Again, I don’t need the details.”

  “It’s like a weight has been lifted off my chest.” He breathed a sigh of relief then downed the rest of his beer.

  If anyone else met Slade when he was like this, they would walk out. But since I’ve known him my whole life I was used to it. “I’m glad you feel better.”

  “Me too,” he said. “At least that’s one less thing I have to carry.”

  “What else are you carrying?” Last time I checked, he didn’t have a care in the world.

  He leaned over the table and lowered his voice like someone might hear us. “You won’t believe what happened at the show the other night.”

  Some girl tried to jump his bones? “What?”

  “Don Murray from Capital Records approached me after the show and said he wanted to talk about signing me.”

  That was the last thing I expected him to say. It was such good news that I didn’t know how to react. It was a big deal, the biggest news I’ve heard in a long time. “Are you serious?”

  “He said he liked our sound and thought we could really go somewhere. He already represents Red Hot Chili Peppers and Coldplay. Isn’t that crazy?”

  “Why didn’t you tell me? Why are we talking about my sex life?”

  “Hey, that’s important too.”

  “To me, not you.”

  “Anyway,” Slade said. “I couldn’t believe it. I still can’t believe it.”

  My beer was forgotten, and so was my sex life. My best friend had finally reached his dream. Being a rock star was on his bucket list since he learned to play guitar. The fact he was actually getting a shot was a big deal. “Now what? When are you meeting him?”

  “I’m not meeting him.”

  What does that mean? “You already talked?”

  “He gave me his business card but I said I wasn’t interested.” He released the air from his lungs like a deflating balloon. “And then I walked away.”

  My jaw dropped. “You said you weren’t interested? Why the hell did you do that? Now isn’t the time to play hard to get.”

  “I’m not playing hard to get,” he said. “I knew it wouldn’t be a good idea.”

  Slade had confused me in the past, but in this instance I couldn’t figure him out—at all. “Are you crazy?”

  “Lo
ok, I’m married now. I made a commitment to Trinity. And more importantly, in just a few months I’m going to be a father. It’s pretty selfish and irresponsible for me to run off with a record deal and start touring the country like a rock star. How would that affect my marriage? How would that affect my kid?”

  The thought hadn’t crossed my mind. “Trinity said you couldn’t do it?” Trinity wore the pants in the relationship but I couldn’t picture her telling him not to do something, especially something this big. She accomplished her dream so why couldn’t he accomplish his?

  “No, she doesn’t know. And I’m not going to tell her.”

  “But that’s insane.” I couldn’t believe this was the same Slade I’ve known my whole life.

  “Not really,” he said calmly. “You gave up your dream in a heartbeat. Look where you are now. You’re doing something way better than if you stuck to the original path. You married the love of your life.”

  “Slade, it’s not the same thing. Why can’t you have both?”

  He sighed and worked his jaw like he was trying to figure out how to explain this to me. “I know you’re a nerd so you don’t understand what it’s like to be one of the cool kids.”

  I didn’t roll my eyes or tell him off because this was too important. I kept listening.

  “Being a rock star is like having a huge party every single day. Women throw themselves at you, you’re constantly on the road doing tours and appearances, and you become a public figure so people are constantly spreading rumors about you. Basically, I would never be home. And it’s not like Trinity can come with me. She’s running her own empire. Plus, I’m not putting my kid through that. He’ll have to stay in New York, and I’m not going to be one of those dads that are never around. Forget it.”

  Now it made a little more sense. “I get where you’re coming from. But you and Trinity are different than other people. The two of you could make it work. I know she would want this for you.”

  He shook his head. “I almost lost her—for good. I begged her to marry me, and I promised her I would be the best damn husband the world has ever seen. I’ve been keeping my word this far. I’m not breaking my promise to her.”

  “I admire your loyalty, but you wouldn’t be breaking any promises. Just talk to her about it. You don’t need to say no right away.”

  “I don’t want to bring it up,” he said. “I don’t want to stress her out. After everything that happened with Cedric—” He realized how painful his words were after he said them. He swallowed the lump in his throat and didn’t make eye contact with me. “I’m not going to get her worked up.”

  I let the awkwardness pass even though it took a few moments. “Just talking about it isn’t going to upset her, Slade. She knows this is what you want. She knows how talented you are. I bet she expected this to happen sometime down the road.”

  “If you were me, what would you do?”

  “We aren’t playing that game.”

  “Seriously,” he pressed. “What would perfect Cayson do?”

  “I’ve never wanted to be a rock star so I can’t answer that.”

  “You wouldn’t go.” Slade challenged me with his tone. “I know you. Family first.”

  “I would at least talk to Skye about it.”

  “You’re the one who wasn’t going to tell her about Stanford. I had to talk you into that.”

  “Not the same thing—again.”

  He held up his hand to silence me. “I know what it’s like to live without Trinity. Let me tell you, it was shit. I hated it. Never in my life have I been so miserable. To me, there’s nothing worse than that. I’m not risking my perfect life with my perfect wife for anything. Even bringing it up could put a wedge between us. I don’t want her to think I resent her later down the road because I didn’t take this opportunity. No good can come of this.

  “I know being a rock star was my dream. It’s something I’ve wanted to do since I held a guitar for the first time. But my marriage and my kid are more important than that childhood dream. I’ve changed a lot since I met Trinity. You can call me pussy-whipped or a loser but I don’t give a damn. I’m happy with the way things are.”

  Arguing would be futile at this point. I took a drink then stared out the window.

  “You better not tell Trinity or Skye.”

  I kept my gaze outside. Patches of snow were on the sidewalk. Winter in the city was unforgiving.

  “Cayson?”

  “It doesn’t hurt to tell her.”

  “It’s my decision,” he pressed. “Now promise me you won’t tell either one of them.”

  I clenched my jaw.

  “Goddammit, Cayson.” He hit his fist against the table. “Give me your word.”

  I released a sigh of defeat. “Fine. I promise I won’t tell Trinity and Skye.”

  “Thank you.” He finally backed off and leaned back.

  I wouldn’t tell Skye or Trinity because I said I wouldn’t.

  But that didn’t mean I couldn’t tell someone else.

  ***

  Ryan wasn’t at the front desk when I walked inside. He usually took care of the register and the customers, but today he was elsewhere.

  Radio recognized me. “Yo, Cayson. How’s your little runt doing?”

  “Good. He’s at home.”

  “Congratulations. He’s a pretty cute kid. Ryan has showed me more pictures than I care to admit.” He was covered in tattoos just like Slade, and he had dark hair and eyes.

  “Thanks. He gets the cuteness from my wife.”

  He laughed. “That’s the truest thing I’ve heard all day. So, what brings you in? Want some ink?”

  “No. I’m here to see Ryan. Is he off today?”

  “No, he’s working on a girl in the back.”

  “Cool,” I said. “I didn’t know he was still active.”

  “By appointment only. And he’s super picky when it comes to his clients.” He headed to the rear. “He’s in the last door on the left.”

  “I can just walk in there?”

  “Totally.” He headed back to his station.

  I headed down the hallway then entered the room. Ryan was sitting on a stool and he just turned off his needle when I walked in. “What do you think?” He held a mirror to the young girl on the table. She looked my age, and she was attractive. A purple heart was on her hip, as well as some additional color.

  She eyed it and smiled. “It’s perfect. Thank you.”

  “I’m the best for a reason.” Ryan ripped his gloves off and tossed them in the garbage.

  The girl sat up and started pulling her pants on.

  I directed my gaze elsewhere and felt awkward for being there at all.

  Ryan noticed me. “Hey, Cayson. What brings you here?”

  “I wanted to talk to you about something—if you have the time.”

  “You know I always have the time for you.” He stood up and walked with me to his office. He shut the door behind him then sat in the leather computer chair. “What’s up?”

  “It’s about Slade.”

  He rested his hands behind his head and sighed. “What’s he done now?”

  “Nothing. It’s what he hasn’t done that worries me.”

  “Hmm…this should be good.”

  I told him the story about the producer from Capital Records and Slade’s resistance to even considering it. “He thinks he’ll ruin his marriage if he even considers it. I told him he should at least tell Trinity.”

  Ryan rubbed the scruff on the side of his face. “One thing is for sure. He’s dedicated.”

  “And that’s fine but I think he should still tell Trinity. I don’t think she would want him to give up on his dream.” I wouldn’t let Skye do it. I would want the best for her.

  Ryan nodded slowly and his eyes turned distant. He was thinking deeply and considering every angle and possibility. After a few minutes he spoke. “She would encourage him to do it…and that’s probably why he doesn’t want to tell her.” His ey
es moved back to mine.

  “I’m not following.”

  “Playing in bars and restaurants has been fun for him. He’s a big fish in a small pond. There’s never anything to stress about. It’s just been a hobby up until this point. But Slade isn’t stupid. He knows how talented he is. He isn’t like the rest of those kids trying to start a band out of their garage. Slade is gifted in many ways, and music is one of them. Janice and I noticed it a long time ago. Honestly, I’m not the least bit surprised this happened.”

  I lowered myself into the other chair. “What’s your point?”

  “Slade is scared.”

  “Scared of risking his marriage?”

  “I’m sure that has something to do with it. But I think he’s afraid to leave the small pond…you know what I mean?”

  “Not really.”

  “He’s afraid to leave the bar scene and play in a stadium. He’s afraid to be on the cover of a magazine instead of a random blog. He’s afraid of leaving the life he’s always known—because he’s safe.

  “Trinity makes him feel like a rock star every single day. She gives him the attention he needs, and she coddles him unlike most of us. Why would he want to ruin something so great? He doesn’t. Even if that means losing out on something even better.”

  “So, you’re saying that Slade does want this, but he’s afraid?”

  “Exactly.”

  “I don’t know…he seemed pretty sincere about his marriage with Trinity.”

  “I’m sure that has a lot to do with it too,” Ryan said. “But it could also be an excuse.”

  For the first time in my life, I wasn’t sure what Slade was thinking. Normally, I could figure him out. But in this instance, his father bested me. “I promised I wouldn’t tell Skye or Trinity. But I never said anything about telling you. Can you talk to him?”

  “I’m surprised he didn’t come to me to begin with.”

  “Maybe he will. This just happened a few days ago.”

  He nodded. “I’ll take him out for a beer and feel him out.”

  “Good idea.”

  Ryan watched me for a moment. “You did the right thing coming to me.”

  “I know.” My hands folded together on my thighs. “I can usually talk sense into him. But when I can’t, you’re my emergency back up. And you always deliver.”