All Hope Is Lost

by E. L. Todd

  Chapter Twelve

  Conrad

  My mind was in a daze.

  My thoughts were never solid. They were wisps of smoke that rose until they disappeared. Constantly sporadic and unpredictable, I wasn’t stable. All I could think about was Lexie.

  Sometimes I thought about the good times of our relationship. Then my mind would jump to the last conversation we had on my doorstep. Tears dripped down her cheeks as she said goodbye. She loved me and she knew I loved her, but she’d given up.

  Our love wasn’t enough.

  She moved to California so she could be as far away as possible. Never again would I bump into her at the deli or spot her in a restaurant. Never again would I get a phone call from her.

  Never again would I see her face.

  It was both a relief, and the worst realization in the world.

  I was constantly jumping back and forth where our relationship was concerned. There were days when I thought we could work it out. But then there were days when I couldn’t stand looking at her. That indecisiveness wasn’t good for a relationship. I was hurting her as much as she was hurting me.

  This was the best thing for both of us.

  At least that’s what I kept telling myself.

  Could I really be with someone who hurt me like that? Could I really forgive someone who left me for three months? Could I ever really look her in the eye and tell her I forgave her?

  Unlikely.

  But I couldn’t deny the feelings in my heart. I loved that girl.

  I would always love that girl.

  Now that she was gone, maybe I could move on. Maybe knowing she was somewhere far away would give me the distance to really go forward. In time, my heart would heal. Beatrice shattered it into a million pieces, but somehow Lexie put them back together. Maybe one day I would find that.

  I got nothing done at work because I moved like a snail. I was too depressed to focus on anything. Thankfully, I didn’t have any meetings. They would have gone over badly if I had.

  Dad kept asking if something was bothering me. I told him I was just under the weather and there was nothing to worry about. I wasn’t sure why I didn’t tell him the truth. Perhaps it was because it would make it real.

  That Lexie was really gone.

  When I got off work I met Roland at Roger’s for a beer. He probably wanted to start planning the wedding, which was a new experience for me. Usually the chicks did that sort of thing but since Roland was gay it was a little different. I didn’t want to infect him with my depression so I tried to act like everything was normal when I sat in the booth across from him.

  Roland talked about work and the new issue he put together. Heath had just returned to his floor so they were working together again. That resulted in inappropriate things happening in his office.

  I listened without really paying attention. Every time I saw a lock of blonde hair I thought I spotted Lexie. But then I realized it was just some random girl that looked nothing like her.

  Roland stopped talking and eyed me like a specimen under a microscope. “Everything okay, man?”

  “I’m fine.” I said it automatically because I was so used to saying it. I was used to hearing that question ten times a day.

  “You don’t look fine.”

  “Didn’t get much sleep last night.” Of all people, Roland would be happy that Lexie left. He hated her as much as my sister did. Only Heath and Skye were willing to spare her any grace.

  Roland tilted his head slightly. “You can talk to me about anything—even Lexie.”

  I guess he wasn’t buying my bullshit story.

  “Come on, I hate seeing you like this. It breaks my heart.” Roland continued watching me with sad eyes.

  I rubbed the back of my neck and cleared my throat. “Lexie left.”

  “Left…?”

  “She moved to California.” Now that I said the words out loud everything was real. Her absence was a reality. The city really lost a person. Her office was vacated and her apartment was probably rented out by somebody else.

  “She moved?” Roland practically gasped.

  “She came to my apartment a week ago and told me it would never work between us. She loves me and I love her but…I just can’t get over what happened and I never will. The constant back and forth was hurting her, and it was hurting me too. She thought it would be best for both of us. She can’t get over me when we live in the same city and neither can I.”

  Roland stared at me in disbelief. He opened his mouth to say something but then closed it.

  “I love her. I know I do. Whenever I picture my future, she’s the woman in it. But I can’t get over what she did. She stormed out of that restaurant and didn’t say a word to me for three months. Never once did she call or reach out to me. Maybe if only a month had gone by things would have been different. I went through so much when she was gone. Shit, I fucked Georgia Price for crying out loud. Three months is just too long. She claims she left a note under my door, but I never got it. She isn’t the type of person to lie, but that note was never there. So how can I believe her?” I stared at my beer and watched the bubbles rise to the top. Pouring out my soul to Roland wasn’t making me feel better. It was making me feel worse. The truth was hitting me hard in the face. There was only one girl I loved but I could never be with her.

  How is that fair?

  Roland bowed his head and released a deep sigh. He closed his eyes for a moment, like he was fighting off a migraine. His features contorted in a look of pain. It took him several moments to look me in the eye. “You think things would be different if she left a note?”

  What kind of question is that? “What do you mean?”

  “If she placed a note under your door the night she ran out of on you…do you think things would be different?”

  “I don’t like to play what if.”

  Roland kept staring at me.

  “I don’t know. It depends on what the letter said. But there is no letter so it doesn’t matter.” I returned to staring at my beer. A part of me wished I’d never proposed to her. We’d be in a dead-end relationship but at least we would still be together. At least I would be happy.

  Roland slid out of the booth without any announcement.

  “Where are you going?”

  “I have to leave.” He threw the cash down on the table.

  “Uh…why?”

  “I…I just have to.” Roland walked out without looking back.

  I sat there, completely confused.

  ***

  I walked the streets alone because I didn’t know what else to do. Apollo usually made me feel better but even he couldn’t fix this heartache. The city had seven million people but since Lexie wasn’t one of those seven million it felt like a ghost town.

  I didn’t know what time it was but it felt late. The street vendors had packed up for the night, and bums seemed to come out of their alleyways now that the traffic had cleared. My hands were deep in my pockets and I stared straight ahead without really taking anything in.

  I was a big guy so I’d be surprised if someone tried to screw with me. My muscle couldn’t stop a bullet, but my fist could stop a heart. But right now, I didn’t care about any of that.

  I didn’t care about anything.

  My phone rang so I fished it out of my pocket and answered without checking the name. “Conrad.”

  “It’s me.” Dad’s voice came out gentle, matching the sadness in my heart.

  He knew. Roland told him. I could tell without further evidence.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Walking.”

  “I’m in the city. Can I pick you up?”

  I knew what really happened. He came to my apartment and I didn’t answer. He figured out I wasn’t home, and since I wasn’t with any of my friends I had to be alone. “I’m on the corner of Rachel and 5th.”

  “I’m just down the street.”

  I had no idea where I was in relation to my apartment. I was s
urprised he knew.

  I hung up the phone and kept walking.

  A few minutes later, his new Jaguar parked at the sidewalk right beside me. He got out, wearing a thick sweater and jeans. He approached me with his hands in his pockets. “Want a ride?”

  “I don’t mind walking.” I eyed the white paint of his car. “When did you get that?”

  “A few weeks ago.”

  “I thought Mom said no more sports cars?”

  “I talked her down…” He shrugged with a forced smile on his lips. “How about we go somewhere warm and get something to eat?”

  “Not hungry.”

  “How about beer? You’re always hungry for beer.”

  “Not even that.” I started walking again.

  Dad walked beside me. He was quiet for a long time, like he was giving me a chance to speak first.

  I had nothing to say.

  “Roland told me what happened.”

  I stared at the ground and watched the cracks below my feet.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “It’s probably for the best. It just hurts, you know?”

  “Yeah, I do know,” he said quietly.

  “You know how I felt about Beatrice. I really loved her. I pictured her as my wife and everything…but with Lexie it was different. I really felt like…” I didn’t want to say it out loud because it would just hurt more. “I miss her.”

  “I know, Son.” Dad put his arm around my shoulders.

  “Why did she have to do that to me? Why did she have to do something I can’t forgive? Why did she take all my happiness away? I wish I could forgive her and move on but I just can’t.”

  “I know.”

  “Her leaving was best for both of us…but it hurts so much. I thought she was the end of the road for me. I thought we were going to get married and have a house together. I thought I was going to be stupidly happy like that for the rest of my life. I feel like such an idiot.”

  “You’ll be happy again, Conrad.”

  “No, I won’t,” I said viciously. “I had two great women in my life and both of them sent me to hell. I officially give up. I’m just not meant to have what Skye and Cayson have.”

  “Do you remember everything that happened with Skye and Cayson?” he asked. “They weren’t exactly perfect. They both hurt each other a lot but they worked it out. It wasn’t unicorns and rainbows all the time.”

  “Well, they’re soul mates.”

  “No, they aren’t,” Dad said. “They think they are but that doesn’t mean anything to you and I. They are just two people who love each other and work on their relationship because they can’t stand the alternative.”

  “What’s your point?”

  “My point is, relationships are what you make of them.”

  “Are you saying I should have taken Lexie back?”

  “Not at all,” he said. “I just don’t want you to give up on love entirely. Because even the relationships that are doomed to fail survive. Look at your sister. She and Slade are pretty happy and they’re going to last forever. Is it because they’re perfect for each other? No. It’s because they love each other.”

  “You actually think I’ll fall in love again?” I asked incredulously.

  “Of course I do.” He looked me in the eye as he said it. “When you’re ready.”

  “I’ll never be ready.” I looked at the ground again.

  “You seemed to like Carrie.”

  “She’s cool and pretty. But…I never loved her.”

  “Well, give it time. Maybe one day you will.”

  “Dad, I know you’re trying to be optimistic but it’s pointless. Lexie was the one to me. Even now I can’t picture myself ending up with anyone else. I don’t know what it is about her that makes me feel like this but there’s something.”

  “But she’s gone, right?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Then you need to stop thinking that way and move forward.”

  “Easier said than done.”

  He rubbed my back. “Just take it one day at a time. With every passing day you’ll think about her less. Then one day you won’t think about her at all. But you won’t even realize it because you never think about her. Then weeks later, you’ll notice it. And that’s when you know she’s really in the past. I know that seems so far away right now, but it’ll happen, Conrad. Just be patient.”

  I wanted that to be true but doubt plagued my heart. I couldn’t picture my life without Lexie, but I couldn’t stand her being in it either. Why couldn’t I just be with the woman I loved? Why did she have to throw us away to begin with?

  Why did she have to ruin me?

  Chapter Thirteen

  Roland

  I pulled the letter out of my drawer and looked at the handwriting on the front. In feminine writing was Conrad’s name. There was no absolute proof the letter was from Lexie, but it’s unlikely to be from someone else.

  I didn’t give Conrad the letter because I thought I was helping him out. He was already off the wall when he came back to New York from Italy, and I didn’t want to make him feel worse. I thought I was making the right decision at the time, but now I wasn’t so sure.

  Heath stared at me, judgment in his eyes. “I told you we should have given it to him.”

  “It’s in the past. Let it go.” I wasn’t in the mood for his preacher attitude.

  “You better give it to him, Ro. He has the right to know.”

  The letter was folded and wrinkled from constantly bending it and handling it. Even now I was on the fence about handing it over. “I don’t know…”

  “Yes, you do know,” Heath said firmly. “Give it to him.”

  “Everyone decided we should keep it from him. It might make things worse if I hand it over now.”

  “No, not everyone agreed with you. Cayson and I didn’t. And I have a feeling we were right the entire time.”

  I rubbed my temple.

  “And it doesn’t matter anyway. This is his mail. This is his property. Who are we to decide what letters he gets and doesn’t get?” Heath raised his voice in anger. “How can you claim he’s your best friend but keep this from him?”

  I jumped to my feet and felt the vein in my forehead pulse. “Because I care about him. You think it was easy for me to see him spin out of control? What if he does it again? What if it’s worse this time?”

  “And what if that letter says whatever he needs to help him move on?” Heath asked. “Or what if it brings them back together?”

  “I don’t want them back together.”

  Heath looked like he wanted to punch me. “What you want doesn’t matter, Roland. This is Conrad’s decision. He’ll do whatever the hell he wants and we’ll support it. That’s what real friends do.”

  “She ruined his life, Heath. Actually ruined it.”

  “It’s still not our place to decide, Roland.”

  “I want him to be happy.” I really meant that. I wish I could fix all of this. “You didn’t hear him when he called that night of the engagement. You didn’t see him in Italy. You haven’t watched him fall apart like I have. He disappeared from my life and became a different person. That dumb bitch has no business in his life.”

  “She hurt him a lot. I know she did.” Heath crossed his arms over his chest. “But you hurt me too. Skye hurt Cayson. Slade hurt Trinity. Mike hurt Slade. The list goes on and on, Roland. Sometimes people get hurt in a relationship. But it’s not your place to be a puppeteer.”

  I folded the letter in my hands.

  “I think the reason you won’t give it to him is because you’re afraid. You’re afraid of how it will affect your relationship with him. You’re scared he’ll never forgive you.”

  I didn’t look at him.

  “And if that’s the reason, I despise you.”

  That hurt more than anything.

  “Own up to what you did and hand it over. If you really keep that letter, then he clearly doesn’t mean anything to you. You aren’t a true
friend and you don’t love him like you claim.”

  Easier said than done. “It wasn’t just me. I consulted the group because it wasn’t an easy decision to make.”

  “But you’re his best friend. You shouldn’t have called that meeting to begin with. You shouldn’t have taken his mail.”

  “I can’t change what I did.”

  “But you can march over there and hand that letter over.”

  “Maybe I should read it first…”

  “Don’t. You. Dare.” Heath threatened me with his eyes, and I was actually scared. “Hand over that letter or I’ll tell Conrad everything. But I’m going to give you the chance to do the right thing on your own.” He walked into the bedroom and slammed the door as loud as he could.

  The letter was still in my hand, the seal unbroken.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Arsen

  I asked Silke to meet me at the park but I wasn’t sure if she would show. She agreed after I talked her into it, but her hesitance was still prevalent. She might chicken out and not come at all, especially since Abby wasn’t with me.

  I sat at the park bench and waited for her. The snow was on the ground, and the cold felt nice on my skin. I preferred the winter over the summer any day. I wore a long-sleeved shirt with dark jeans, clothes Silke had picked out for me.

  Silke made her appearance fifteen minutes later. She walked to the bench slowly, like she was still a flight risk.

  The fact she came at all gave me hope.

  I rose to my feet and greeted her, but I was taken aback by her earth-shattering beauty. I knew she was beautiful because I used to see her every day, but not seeing her every day made me appreciate it more when I was face-to-face with her. Her brown hair was in a braid over one shoulder, and a gray beanie was on her head. She wore a red jacket with dark jeans and boots.

  She was adorable.

  She didn’t say hi to me. She just stared at me, probably thinking the same thing about me as I was about her.

  “Hi.” I wish I had something better to say but words failed me at the moment.

  “Hey.” She sounded confident, but her eyes gave her away.

  “Thanks for meeting me.”

  “Just don’t make me regret it.” She wasn’t going to change her mind about our relationship. She constantly kept me at a distance even though her eyes showed all the love that glowed from deep within her heart.