Finding Home

by K. L. Humphreys

  “Michelle, what are you still doing here?” Dr. Sands’ voice calls out.

  I turn and stare at her; she’s got folders in her arms and a smile on her face. “I’m just waiting on Trent, he’ll be here soon,” I tell her returning the smile.

  “Would you like me to wait with you?” She asks already walking toward me, she doesn’t need an answer, she’s going to wait with me no matter what. “Are you excited to see your mom?”

  I should have figured she’d ask about my mom sooner or later. We spent so long talking about that night that there wasn’t enough time to talk about anything else. “No, if I had the choice I wouldn’t ever see her again.” I can’t keep the anger I have towards her out of my voice.

  “Why is she staying in your building if you don’t want to see her?” She asks in that curious tone. The one she uses when she wants me to find something out for myself. Something that I’ll spend days or even weeks searching for. When I do eventually find it she smiles because she’s known the entire time what I was doing wrong or what I needed to realize.

  This time, I’m not getting sucked into that trap. I just shrug hoping that will get her to leave it alone. It doesn’t work, she just stares at me. It’s unnerving and causes me to shift on my feet. I sigh, folding my arms like a petulant child. “Sebastian asked me if she could stay,” I tell her reluctantly.

  She smiles, ugh, that damn smile of hers and then she begins to nod her head and I’m praying that Trent hurries, I’ve had a two hour session with her already, yet here we are having an extra one.

  “Do you believe that if you had said no, Sebastian would have left?” She asks gently and I hate that, why does she have to be a know it all? “Michelle, your brother has told you on numerous occasions that he’s missed you. That he’s happy to be living in the complex his grandmother owned and lived. TI’hat he’s closer to his family being there than he ever has, why do you believe he’d leave?”

  “Because it’s her. She’s manipulative and cold. She’d make not only my life a misery, she’d do the same to Seb. He’s the only person she truly loves. I’ve seen it, I’ve seen the love she has for him, the love I never had from her so I believe she’d do anything and everything in her power to take him away from me. Me, the person who’s made her world come crashing down around her.” I’m angry, finally getting all the shit out about my mom, it’s taken some time, but fuck, it’s so good to get it off my chest.

  “I’m the one who killed her boyfriend, because of me her husband is in prison, and because of me her lifestyle had to change. I’m the big bad wolf in her eyes, and I have no illusions about her anymore. She hates me, and that’s never going to change. So to make sure my brother is okay and I can still see him, I’m putting my emotions aside and letting her stay at my complex.”

  My eyes widen as her warm hands engulf mine, I turn away not wanting to hear whatever it is she’s about to say. “Michelle, sometimes you need to put yourself above everyone else. Your health comes before everyone and everything. You need to take a break from the stress and the hurt.” She squeezes my hand, my eyes drift toward her. Worry is written all over her. “I’ve seen the signs before Michelle. You need to take it easy.”

  It’s a warning, one that I’m heeding. I know how close to breaking point I am, it’s somewhere I don’t want to go but I’m struggling. I’m trying my hardest to let Trent and Dr. Sands in and to be as open and honest as I can be but it’s hard. It’s hard taking myself back to that time, to relive that time.

  “Remember, if you ever need to talk, I’m only a phone call away. I’m here to help you Michelle, that’s my job, that’s my focus and I need you to be totally honest. Okay?”

  “Okay,” I whisper, not sure if that’s even possible.

  “That’s all I’m asking Michelle, total honesty and openness. I’ll help you through this if you can do that.” Her eyes drift behind me, and she gives me a small smile. “That’s your ride, let him in too, I’ve seen the happiness he brings you. Let him continue to bring that happiness. I’ll see you tomorrow.” She walks away just as Trent’s truck comes to a stop at the curb.

  “Hey baby,” he says climbing out of the truck, a smile on his face. But I notice right away it doesn’t reach his eyes. I can see the anger swirling there instead. “You okay?” His arms reach for my waist as soon as he’s in touching distance.

  “I’m fine, just ready to get home,” I say as I lean up on my tiptoes and kiss his lips, as soon as our lips touch, I’m at ease, just as I am every time we kiss. It’s like the world doesn’t exist, that we’re the only two people in the world.

  “Let’s get you home baby,” he whispers, his stubble grazing my lips. “It’s been a long ass day and the sooner I crawl into bed beside you, the better.”

  “I second that.” I lean into his body as we begin walking to the truck. “Everything okay?” I ask, his body’s wound up tight.

  “Not really,” he sighs as he helps me into the truck. “I’ll tell you in a minute.” He says as he closes the passenger’s side door and walks toward the driver’s side. My fingers instantly begin to rub my scar; I’m worried, what could have happened now?

  It seems to take a lifetime for him to get into the truck, and as soon as he starts the engine he glances at me. “I checked that apartment.” His voice as tight as his body, he starts driving toward home.

  Oh no, what the fuck did he find?

  “His bedroom was covered with pictures,” he says sharply, he’s spitting mad.

  My mouth’s drier than the Sahara desert. “Pictures of what?” I ask, dreading what the answer is going to be.

  His knuckles are white, the grip he has on the steering wheel is so tight, it’s a wonder it hasn’t snapped under his grip. “Pictures of you.”

  “What?” I gasp, all the air has completely left my lungs, and I’m stunned; he had pictures of me? But why? “Trent?”

  He places his hand on my knee. “He’s gone baby, he can’t hurt you. The pictures are gone and so is he.” His voice is so calm, yet it’s what I need to cut through my panic. “I promise you baby, he can’t hurt you anymore. None of them can.”

  Where did he get these pictures? What did he do with them? Why did he have them? Were there pictures of me when I was younger? Did he get them from his dad? So many thoughts are running through my head, I can’t shut them out. I have no idea how to stop them. The worst thought I’m having is what did he do with the pictures. If what he did to my bedroom was anything to go by.

  “I just… Gah, why am I such a mess?” I reach for his hand, hoping that it will ground me, that his touch will stop the thoughts that are bombarding me.

  “You’re not a mess. You’ve been through a fucking hell of a lot. Guess what baby?” He asks, his thumb rubbing circles on my thigh.

  “What?” I whisper, his eyes are dark and soulful, he gets this look in his eye when he talks about me. It’s the most amazing thing I see. It’s one that I love and get shy when he does it because I’m anticipating that he’s going to say something truly sweet.

  “Baby, you think you’re weak, you believe that when you hit rock bottom it made you weak.” I nod at his words. Weak is a tame word for what I feel. “You’re not weak baby, God, you’re anything but. You may have felt it was your only way out, but you, you called out for help and you fought. Others haven’t been so lucky. They haven’t been able to fight. Baby, you’re not weak, there isn’t a weak bone in your body.”

  Tears threaten as I smile at him, this man is the most attentive, sweetest, kindest man I have ever had the honor of knowing. He doesn’t judge me. In fact, he understands me more than anyone else in this world. I owe my dad a hell of a lot. Because of him, I was able to keep my freedom but also find the man of my dreams.

  “I love you,” I whisper, a lump forming in my throat as he faces me with those deep brown eyes of his so full of love and admiration.

  “Baby, I love you to the moon and back. You were made for me, that I have no doubts
about.” Pulling my hand up toward his mouth, he gently kisses it. “Love you so fucking much Michelle.”

  “Thank you.” So much emotion behind two little words, I have so much to thank him for I wouldn’t even know where to begin. He’s been a constant through the shit storm that I’ve faced over the past few weeks.

  “You never have to thank me. Never.” He places another kiss to my hand before letting go of it as we pull into our parking lot.

  His eyes narrow at something in front of us. “Baby, that bitch says one thing out of line and she can fuck off,” he says menacingly. “I’m not having her say shit to you. If anyone should be treated like shit, it’s her.” He really does hate her, then again, he is aware of everything she’s said and done to me.

  My eyes drift to where Trent’s gaze is directed and I tense as Sebastian helps Mom out of his car. Groaning, I close my eyes, God, I already regret saying yes to her staying here.

  “Let’s get this over with. I’m really hoping she says something just so she can leave already.” He’s out of the truck before I even have my seatbelt off. God, I hope she doesn’t say anything, Trent won’t hurt her, but he’ll say something to her and she won’t like what he has to say. The passenger’s side door opens just as I’m ready to get out, Trent’s standing there with an apprehensive expression on his face. “Ready baby?” His hand is outstretched to help me down out of the truck.

  I reach out and take his warm, strong hand. “Ready as I’ll ever be. God, I’m ready for it to be tomorrow already.”

  “If I could, I’d take you to bed and bury myself inside of you and stay that way.” His words come out deep and husky. Heat rises throughout my body, no doubt my cheeks are rosy red. He has a way with words. “Come on, we’ve to go to Agnes’ apartment. She’s made us food.” He helps me down out of the truck, my feet landing on the ground with a jolt.

  My stomach growls with hunger at the word food. Agnes and Ethel are fantastic cooks, their food reminds me of Grandma, and that’s always a good thing. “Hmm, I wonder what she’s made?”

  “Well greedy guts, you’re going to have to wait and see.” He smiles at me, his eyes glancing to the side. “Shit.” He curses, and I don’t want to look, I don’t want to find out what’s happening. “Baby, seems Sebastian and your mom are waiting for you.”

  “Fuck,” I mouth and he smiles, I was hoping that they’d go inside and get her settled before descending on me. The only reason that they’re waiting is because of Sebastian, he wants everyone to get along. That isn’t going to happen.

  Walking over to them, Trent has a tight grip on my hand, it isn’t painful but there’s a bite to it, it’s enough to let me know that he’s here if I need him.

  “Shelly,” Seb calls as we get closer his arms outstretched and Trent releases my hand so I can walk into them. “Are you okay?” Seb whispers as his arms engulf me.

  “I’m fine, are you okay?” The scar he has runs deep; it starts at his eyebrow and goes down his chin. The surgeons did a good job on it and the scarring is minimal, I thought it would be a lot worse than what it is, saying that, it’s hard to miss and everyone and anyone who walks past him will see it.

  “Yes, I’m fine,” he grits out, sick of me asking the same question yet, he always asks me if I’m okay and I don’t get mad, it’s a question I’m used to hearing. “I’ve warned her, I won’t let her talk to you the way she has been. I told her she’d be out on her ear if she did. Shelly, she is no longer my priority, and she knows it. I’m only helping her until she gets the all clear from the doctors. Shouldn’t be more than a month and then she’s out of our lives.” He says it low but I’m pretty sure that both Mom and Trent can hear him.

  “You don’t need to do that.” Not for me, I wouldn’t want anyone to sever ties with anyone for me. She’s his mom and she loves him, that is clear for everyone to see.

  He’s shaking his head. “It’s not just for you. Shelly, I’ve been under her thumb for a long time. I’ve been lied to, I’ve been manipulated, and I’ve been used. It ends now. I’ve told her and if she’s not civil she’ll be recovering elsewhere.” He sounds so sure about this and I realize that something must have happened that I haven’t been told about. “Not now Shelly, I’ll tell you another time, I promise. Four weeks and she’s gone if she behaves,” he promises, and I feel a little lighter because he’s not leaving with her, and that makes me happy. But at the same time I hurt for her, she’s lost everyone.

  “Baby, we’ve to go and see Agnes,” Trent calls out and Sebastian lets go of me and walks over to Trent. I look on as they shake hands, Trent not happy at all that Mom’s here. They begin to talk low and I can’t hear a word either of them are saying, but whatever it is has seemed to cheer Trent up. “You make sure that she’s kept on a leash and there won’t be any problems from me,” Trent grinds out, his eyes boring holes into Mom.

  “She will be, she won’t cause a problem for you at all. She’ll be gone if she does,” Seb reassures him and this time both Mom and I can hear what they’re saying. Mom just stands there as though she couldn’t give a fuck.

  “Good, now that’s sorted, we’ll let you get settled,” Trent tells him as he reaches for me. “See you around,” he says in a deep voice, and I know he’s only done that to try to scare Mom.

  I wake when Michelle moves, just as I do every time she moves. She begins to whimper in her sleep, fuck, not this again. Ever since she told Dr. Sands the truth about what happened with Eddie, she’s been having nightmares. Apparently, Dr. Sands has been asking her to relive it a lot and I get that she’s trying to help, but she doesn’t have to live with the aftermath of her sessions. Michelle comes home and she’s quiet and withdrawn, each and every fucking time. I leave her be for a few hours, let her try to sort her head out but a few hours is all I’ll give her. I’ll go to her and we’ll talk about anything but her session and what happened. She’s aware that I’m here if she needs to talk about it, but if she doesn’t then we’ll talk about something else.

  The nights though, the nightmares come and they take her. I’ve tried everything to pull her from them but nothing seems to work so instead I hold her and wait for them to finish. It’s painful to see and not be able to do anything. I need this shit to stop, and fucking soon. Otherwise, I’m going to lose my damn mind. She gasps and starts to buck and claw her way out of my arms and seeing her do this gives me a little insight to what happened that night with Eddie. Her body trembles beneath my fingers. “Sssh baby, I got you.”

  She doesn’t settle, her whimpers getting louder and I watch as a lone tear falls from her eye, slowly making its way down her face. “Please,” she whispers, pleading for it to stop.

  “Baby, wake up,” I tell her giving her a shake, but again it’s of no use, she’s not fucking listening, she’s deep in her nightmare and nothing’s getting through to her. I pull her flush against my body and hold her tight. “Baby, wake up,” I repeat over and over again, it doesn’t matter what I say, she’s not hearing me.

  Time moves slowly as I wait for her to come out of this. Her whimpering starts to lessen but her body keeps on trembling. I’m a fool to keep thinking that my voice will calm her, will pull her from the depths of despair. Nothing is getting through to her and I doubt there’s anything that can pull her back but I don’t stop calling her, trying to calm her. My mind starts to fucking wander, I’m musing that maybe holding her while she’s in the midst of a nightmare isn’t the best thing, that in fact it could be making her worse. I’m torn between holding her and letting her go. Fuck it, I’m going to continue holding her and praying that my girl comes out of this soon.

  Finally, fucking finally, Michelle stops whimpering. I know from the past few nights that when she stops whimpering she’ll wake within a few minutes. She’ll usually turn and stare at me. It’ll take her a few moments before she gets clarity and pulls completely out of that nightmare, when she does get that clarity, it’s like my Michelle’s back, the one who I fell head over fuc
king heels for. She’s been through so much in her short fucking life. The fact that, that asshole got to her and made her retreat inside of herself makes me fucking livid.

  Her body tenses, she’s awake. “Hey baby,” I call, letting her know that she’s not alone.

  She instantly turns in my arms, her eyes wide and the fear is clear to see. She closes her eyes as I hold her tight, waiting for her to come back to me. “Trent,” she whispers, her voice has a raspy tone to it. “I’m sorry.”

  “Baby, don’t apologize. You okay?”

  She nods as she opens her eyes, and I smile. There’s my baby.

  “I’m okay. I’m sorry for waking you.”

  I roll my eyes, she always apologizes. “It’s not your fault. You need to tell that doctor to sort this shit out. You’re hardly sleeping anymore and when you do you’re having nightmares,” I tell her softly, not wanting to add more guilt to her, because she’ll pile it on herself.

  “I know. I’ve told her that I don’t want to talk about it anymore. That it makes me have nightmares that I’m scared. But Dr. Sands believes for me to be able to put my past to rest. I have to talk about it,” she whispers, her green eyes glowing with the moonlight that beams into the room.

  “Baby, you can’t keep going on like this.” That doctor, she wants to help but fuck, she would change her mind if she were here to witness what Michelle goes through every night. She made me promise that I wouldn’t leave Michelle alone the night that she told us she thought the world would be a better place without her, like she even had to fucking ask. There was no way I was leaving her alone after she said those words. They gutted me; they’re all I fucking think of now.

  “I want it to stop, I want it to go back to how things were, how they were before Riccardo happened. I want to be able to see that love you had in your eyes instead of them being full of worry. I just want you to love me again.” Her words come out barely a whisper, but I hear them, every single fucking one of them. “Please, just love me.” Those beautiful green eyes of hers are watery.